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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants husband and I to care for BIL

105 replies

gg7878 · 13/09/2023 19:39

My brother in law is 21 and autistic, it's unlikely he'll be independent but he's started a foundation learning course at a college where he will learn basic life skills to try and be as independent as he can. He lives with myself and my husband and goes to MIL at weekends. I was happy with this, his mum was really struggling with him and his meltdowns became violent so my husband offered to have him here as he was often called to help her anyway.

My husband does most of the care of BIL as he works from home, he doesn't need much care but he does need his meals cooked, personal care and someone to be home with him and take him out.

We pay for everything for him, MIL transfers half of his PIP but the rest of the things he needs or wants is out of our money.

MIL wasn't happy for him to go to college and wants us to be caring for him all day everyday, her reasons are that they both doesn't know his teachers and they will be doing personal care and she doesn't trust them. When he was at school she did as he went to the same school all the way through. And thinks we were BU by sending him without her permission.

Were we unreasonable for going against MIL’s wishes?

OP posts:
GlasgowGal82 · 14/09/2023 13:18

If your BIL is an adult living with you then your MIL may be committing benefits fraud by receiving PIP and other benefits on his behalf. PIP = personal independence payment and should be used to meet additional living costs if you have a disability or long term health condition. He may also be entitled to other forms of income support and if the aim is to get him into supported living he will rely upon those benefits to cover some of the costs. You need to have a discussion with your MIL about what she is receiving on his behalf and how it can be managed in his best interest (it should not be supplementing MIL's income if he does not live with her). Then once you have established what he is already in receipt of visit Citizens Advice and as for a benefits check/income maximisation appointment to ensure that he is claiming what he is entitled to.

Original poster
gg7878 · 14/09/2023 15:00

MIL is his appointee as BIL will struggle to manage his finances, she is in charge of everything for him as he doesn't understand. She was his full time carer but she now works part-time. She says she keeps half as he's with her a few days a week and she wouldn't be able to afford it. Me and my husband do get on ok, we have 2 children of our own but we are lucky that he eats the same as our children and doesn't have a limited diet like some autistic people.

I think his mum is also annoyed that because he's at college all week she will need to take him on days out but myself and husband need to spend time with our children on our own too. They're still young so they're happy to go to things BIL likes like cbeebies land in Alton towers, our eldest enjoys bowling etc but once they're older they'll want to go to the main part of Alton towers and drayton manor and they'll be wanting to go to the cinema which BIL hates

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 14/09/2023 15:12

If she has him two days/week, she should only get 2/7 of the PIP money allocated to her. What about other benefits? Is she still claiming (full-time) carers allowance? Can't your husband take over the financial management for now, while your BIL learns to become more independent?
To be blunt, what does your MIL think would happen if she were to die? Doesn't she want her sons to have the skills and knowledge to thrive?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/09/2023 16:04

So in your care, your BIL is improving socially, behaviourly and gaining education and independence but she has a problem with that.

She is completely self serving. How horrible to want to hold her child back and from what it seems like it's purely fir monetary gain.

I think your DH should have the conversation with her about BILs life long term and why college is important especially for when after she's gone -as in she won't always have a say & given you will you are taking the best steps for him.

She sounds completely self absorbed- the exact opposite of uou and your husband. Stick with your plans.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/09/2023 16:21

Id be reporting her for benefit fraud.

This is financial abuse

yumscrummy · 14/09/2023 16:47

Can you try to get him into a support living facility as they are always really keen to support independence under guidance

Bubop · 14/09/2023 16:55

No, YANBU. Learning life skills is in your BIL’s best interests. I’d be really worried about your MIL keeping your BIL’s money though. If she only sees him two days a week, she shouldn’t be keeping half of his PIP. If she’s claiming UC for him and pocketing it, that’s frankly disgusting.

Could your husband apply to manage his finances instead?

Alleycatz · 14/09/2023 17:00

I have two autistic kids (one now an adult) and know tonnes of other parents of autistic children and adults and honestly your MIL is not at all typical. She sounds like she is very controlling and even the endless meltdowns she was experiencing sound like she is not at all a good carer for BIL compared to you and your DH. I think your MIL sounds like she has personality issues from what you have written.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/09/2023 17:22

gg7878 · 14/09/2023 15:00

MIL is his appointee as BIL will struggle to manage his finances, she is in charge of everything for him as he doesn't understand. She was his full time carer but she now works part-time. She says she keeps half as he's with her a few days a week and she wouldn't be able to afford it. Me and my husband do get on ok, we have 2 children of our own but we are lucky that he eats the same as our children and doesn't have a limited diet like some autistic people.

I think his mum is also annoyed that because he's at college all week she will need to take him on days out but myself and husband need to spend time with our children on our own too. They're still young so they're happy to go to things BIL likes like cbeebies land in Alton towers, our eldest enjoys bowling etc but once they're older they'll want to go to the main part of Alton towers and drayton manor and they'll be wanting to go to the cinema which BIL hates

Either she’s lying and she’s keeping more than half or he should be claiming UC as an income replacement benefit.

You should tell her you’re going to speak to someone as you think he should be getting an income replacement benefit like UC or ESA (he won’t get esa if he’s never worked but it’s a well known one) and see what she says.

Either there’s a missing income that could help out or she’s keeping more than she’s letting on.

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/09/2023 17:37

You’re already doing a lot. BIL is lucky to have you.

Robinni · 14/09/2023 17:39

Definitely not being unreasonable for sending him.

Autistic people shouldn’t be kept at home like animals, to do this is to hold them back.

MiL on the other hand is being unreasonable by retaining half his PIP, what for? You’re paying for all his stuff and presumably anything he needs on account of his disability.

I would have that transferred over to you to manage.

Isn’t he lucky to have such a supportive brother and sister in law to take care of him and help him progress in life.

Robinni · 14/09/2023 17:47

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 13/09/2023 19:51

You need to look into what other benefits he will be receiving and make sure that he is the one receiving them. You can be his appointee which means you manage those accounts. It's not fair that she's expecting you to support him financially whilst she keeps HIS money!

^ he’s an adult so will probably have 6-10k of additional benefits on top of the PIP. Even if no housing costs. Where is it? What is she doing with it?

YNK · 14/09/2023 17:49

I'm sorry OP, his mum is exploiting him and as his main carer you need to stand up for him.
I know you are doing the very best for him and it sounds like he is responding really well in your care.
Both you and he deserve much better and I am sure once you establish his main residence and protect his financial interests, his mum will still provide the respite you need.
If she is no longer interested in caring for him without financially exploiting him you can spend his money on buying in respite care.
She can't abdicate responsibility and still collect his cash - that is deeply dishonest and you cannot be expected to condone that abuse.

cruisebaba1 · 14/09/2023 17:54

KaySararSarar · 13/09/2023 19:45

I’d want to know what’s happening with the PIP…

Me too…….🧐🧐

cruisebaba1 · 14/09/2023 17:58

Insommmmnia · 13/09/2023 21:09

Sounds like she's worried he will be able to move into some kind of supported living if he develops some skills at college and then she will have to stop stealing his benefits

This!!👍

Anonomom12 · 14/09/2023 18:02

cruisebaba1 · 14/09/2023 17:54

Me too…….🧐🧐

Show quote history

Not just the PIP. The UC and the ESA that he is entitled to. Is she claiming carers allowance too?
You should take over his money and pay MIL a proportion. She’s exploiting him. He should have plenty of money to pay his own way you shouldn’t have to pay out pf
your pocket

UnbeatenMum · 14/09/2023 18:03

UC with the LCWRA element would be another £600ish a month so it's definitely worth looking into whether he can claim. It may be that he couldn't when he was living at home and in education but he might be able to now he's living with you.

Decideforme · 14/09/2023 18:18

MIL could claim Carer's Allowance legitimately if she is having your BIL 2 days per week, as that's 48 hours and the required amount is 35 hours. However, if you have him 5 days per week, then the largest portion of his Universal Credit should be going to you to fund his lifestyle while he's with you.

SunRainStorm · 14/09/2023 18:24

She's stealing from him and you're allowing it.

nerdandgeek · 14/09/2023 18:59

I work in this area
Has he had a Mental capacity assessment? If he hasn't and he's deemed as having capacity then he is technically being financially deprived.

PuzzledObserver · 14/09/2023 19:47

She says she keeps half as he's with her a few days a week and she wouldn't be able to afford it.

That is very telling, IMO. What are the extra costs of having an adult to stay for 2 days per week - their food, and the cost of 2 showers. Does that add up to half the value of his PIP? Doesn’t seem likely to me. Sounds like she doesn’t have enough income for her own needs/lifestyle. Since she currently works part time, she could do something about that.

OTOH, if she’s buying his clothes, tech, other things he needs, fair enough. But it doesn’t sound like it, if what she’s saying is that she couldn’t afford to have him stay without half his PIP. And as others have said - what about his UC?

What does he do during the 2 days at hers? Do they go out for trips to places he likes….. or does he sit on a screen all day? I find myself wondering whether BIL’s interests might not be best served by living permanently at yours and having MIL visit at weekends….. though I dare say you want some time with just your DC and the weekends are good for that.

How do your DC interact with him, btw?

Original poster
gg7878 · 14/09/2023 23:09

I will speak to my husband about the PIP/UC so that he'll speak to MIL.

I think MIL always planned for my husband to care for BIL as they're a decade apart and when my husband moved out at around 20 she would always tell him BIL missed him and expected him to go round to hers whenever he wasn't working or wasn't busy (but if he was busy and didn't have a good enough reason she wouldn't be happy) my husband did as she asked for a while but once he stopped husband and MIL had an argument.

At the weekends, BIL is on his devices at his mums. She says he doesn't want to go out/she doesn't want to be out alone with him but even when husband offered to go out with them both, she still said no. We would be happy to have him all the time but he won't enjoy some things our children want to do. He was getting carers for respite when at his mums but they'd constantly cancel or just not turn up which unsettled BIL so MIL cancelled them altogether.

He interacts with the DC’s well, our eldest is 5 and she's starting to understand that he's different etc. Our youngest is 3 and they don't really interact yet. He's good with their noise but if he gets overwhelmed he will go to his room

OP posts:
DivingForLove · 14/09/2023 23:16

Your MIL sounds like an awful woman.

You and your dh have been incredible - now you need to stop her stealing his ££.

Good luck 🍀

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/12/2023 13:14

BIL should also be entitled to other benefits as well as PIP like ESA, does he qualify for mobility? I presume MIL is still claiming Carers benefit but this should just be for the 2 or 3 nights a week he sleeps at her house.
It sounds as if he is very fortunate to have you guys helping him gain more life skills and experiences.

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/12/2023 13:18

Your BIL should have had a social services assessment for direct payments. This is a lot more flexible and would allow you to employ a Personal Assistants to take him places, it can work really well and put his needs at the forfrount of this

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