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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL - unplanned stay!

103 replies

Lalaland1112 · 13/09/2023 08:29

I have been really upset about this the last couple of days so want to get some opinions.

I (32f) live with my husband (36m) with our 14 month old DD. We have recently moved into a beautiful new home this year in a rural area, near to my family. DH family live 2-3 hours away.

I am the main breadwinner, earning probably about 2-3 times that of my DH who is self-employed. He travels a lot for work and works unsociable hours (weekends mainly). I work more regular hours during the week but long days, around 40 hours during the week over 4 days. While at work it's a very high stress job, very full on, but I enjoy it for the most part.

Last weekend I went away on a girls trip for the first time since DD was born. DH picked up work last minute so invited my BIL and his wife to come down and help mind DD during day. BIL and MIL (75) came down instead - no problem.

The problem arises when I return after the trip on Sunday - BIL has gone back, MIL still remains. My DH returns from work later and we enjoy a nice dinner together. Monday I go to work, busy day as per usual while DH and MIL stay at home (DD in childcare Tues, Thurs, Friday). When I get home, we are all sitting around when DH says to MIL "no need to rush home" and that she can "stay until Christmas if she wants"!

This was never discussed. DH is going away this week from Wed-Fri for work and working during the day on Sat and Sun so wont be around. My MIL is lovely but cannot drive and has mild vision loss. She lives in an urban area and is used to having lots of resources in walking/public transport distance.

AIBU that this is too much to put on me around this unplanned stay during a working week? DH says I am being mean and rude to his elderly mother - I have never said anything directly to her as I don't feel she is the issue, rather DH expectations of my role!

Sorry for the lengthy post/rant 😮‍💨

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 13/09/2023 08:33

I would simply be telling him he is wrong to invite her to stay without consulting you first, and that you won’t be entertaining her, or looking after her, that’s his job and what’s she going to do when he works?

ok I would feed her when you eat, but everything else is up to him

Wakeywake · 13/09/2023 08:34

To be fair, you haven't been asked to drive your mil around or put yourself out in any way, or have you? You just carry on with your work. If she's not used to living rurally, I doubt she'll stay for long.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 13/09/2023 08:35

I would have assumed stay until Christmas if you like was a joke. If it was a serious offer of course he should have had a proper discussion with you about it though.

StopStartStop · 13/09/2023 08:36

It's the presence though, of someone else in the house. Even if you don't have to entertain her, the fact that she's there means you can never relax.

Pottedpalm · 13/09/2023 08:39

She was good enough to come and help out last minute ( like the use of ‘invited’ there), so why not have her a while longer. 75 is not ‘elderly’ for most these days.

AnIndianWoman · 13/09/2023 08:43

You haven’t been asked to do anything and have a rural property that I assume is large enough for her to potter about in? I’d be using this to my advantage - ask if she can mind DD Mon / Fri & help with meals etc.

autienotnaughty · 13/09/2023 08:47

I'd assume joke and have a conversation about when she's leaving. Be clear you would not put him in this position with your own family and it's unreasonable for him to do that. Agree a leaving day then let dh manage it

Baystar · 13/09/2023 08:47

@Pottedpalm helping out was certainly good of her, staying a further 14 weeks surely a bit much!
I'd lose my head if my Dh put this on me unexpectedly. Hopefully your mil will want to get back to her own home/friends/surroundings, what was her response Op?

SilverTotoro · 13/09/2023 08:50

Until Christmas! I’d be fuming, your Dh needs to peddle back on this. If he’d like to invite her to have a longer stay, which isn’t unreasonable in itself, then he should arrange it around when he will be there to spend time with her.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 08:50

Me thinks mil is cunning and conniving.. Bil was the prime carer of dd and she knew she could hitch a free trip.... Cf has no age boundaries..

SlipSlidinAway · 13/09/2023 08:52

I think you're overreacting and sound quite controlling. You live close to your family. Your MIL quite understandably saw an opportunity to spend some time with her grandchild so came with BIL. Not sure why she should have to rush back and not stay on for a few days. She's family after all. And of course your DH's comment about Xmas was a joke!

As others have said, if DD is in childcare and your MIL can't drive she'll soon get bored - and soon get the message from you that she's not welcome - and go home. Or you could lighten up and help her enjoy some more time with her grandchild?

parietal · 13/09/2023 08:55

if MIL can't drive, someone will have to drive her home. Is that BIL or DH? plan with them who will drive her home and when, and then she will have to go when a lift is available.

frazzledasarock · 13/09/2023 08:58

Don’t let it disrupt your work. Any time your MIL needs anything hand her over to her son.

why is a pp saying till Christmas was a joke OP has not indicated it was?

I’d be completely reading the riot act to H if he ever did such a thing, I’d not hesitate to tell MIL that you don’t have time or bandwidth to entertain and look after her needs, and she needs to go home now.

Seriously where are posters finding these losers, who are using them and unable to function on a basic level?

phoenixrosehere · 13/09/2023 08:58

Pottedpalm · 13/09/2023 08:39

She was good enough to come and help out last minute ( like the use of ‘invited’ there), so why not have her a while longer. 75 is not ‘elderly’ for most these days.

It doesn’t read to me like OP invited her though, her DH did. Her DH knew about the girls’ weekend before he chose to pick up work and decided to invite his brother and mother down and OP was ok with it (guessing this was discussed).

What he is doing now was not discussed and that changes things? He is now trying to make OP out to being mean to his mother when really the length of a longer stay should have been discussed together with OP not just him and his mother.

frazzledasarock · 13/09/2023 09:03

Is your H using this as a way of punishing you for going on a girls trip?

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 13/09/2023 09:04

Staying till Christmas means she is living with you. I'm willing to bet he won't send her back to a cold house after Christmas. He needs to take time off work to look after her, if she doesn't drive and he is working away, of course you'll be expected to drive her about, get extra shopping in etc. Is he going to do her washing and cooking, or will he expect you to do that too?
@AnIndianWoman's comment that you live rurally so must have a big enough house made me chuckle - we don't all live in a Downton Abbey out in the sticks, you know. 😉

AgnesX · 13/09/2023 09:05

Not a MIL problem but a DH problem, using his mother to pitch in and carry his load. I'd be giving him a flea in his ear about the lack of consultation!

ZadocPDederick · 13/09/2023 09:11

I wonder whether she wants to stay anyway. Apart from anything else, she's presumably only packed enough for a few days away, does she really want to be recycling the same few clothes for over three months? And does she have anyone to keep an eye on her own house if she is away for that long? What about post, bills etc?

SallyWD · 13/09/2023 09:14

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 13/09/2023 08:35

I would have assumed stay until Christmas if you like was a joke. If it was a serious offer of course he should have had a proper discussion with you about it though.

Me too. I think she'll stay a few days and go home.

dearanon · 13/09/2023 09:18

Tell your husband it's time for your mil to go home when he works away so is he dropping her off or is bil collecting her.

Original poster

Lalaland1112 · 13/09/2023 09:57

I'm more than happy for our DD and her grandmother to spend time together. During my maternity leave I instigated a few trips up to her so that she could spend time with her. She is a doting grandmother but because of her sight issues wouldn't be able for extended periods of time alone with DD (which I wouldn't expect). I'm happy to have planned visits or stays with my in-laws.

My big issue here was the non-communication between my DH and I about this free-ending stay, most especially when he's away for work and I will be expected to drive, entertain etc as well as work and be primary caregiver to DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lalaland1112 · 13/09/2023 10:00

SlipSlidinAway · 13/09/2023 08:52

Sorry above response was to this quote!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lalaland1112 · 13/09/2023 10:03

StopStartStop · 13/09/2023 08:36

It's the presence though, of someone else in the house. Even if you don't have to entertain her, the fact that she's there means you can never relax.

I think this is the crux of my issue with it all. And that feeling is exaggerated more so because it was an completely unplanned and unexpected extended visit!

OP posts:

coconutpie · 13/09/2023 10:04

OP, YANBU. Tell DH that his mother needs to go home as he will be away and you are unable to entertain her. If he wants her to visit, then he needs to be here when she is. You have a DH problem here.

NancyJoan · 13/09/2023 21:47

He is the rude one. You cannot invite someone to stay, then go away for several days.

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