MIL - unplanned stay!

[Lalaland1112]

I have been really upset about this the last couple of days so want to get some opinions.

I (32f) live with my husband (36m) with our 14 month old DD. We have recently moved into a beautiful new home this year in a rural area, near to my family. DH family live 2-3 hours away.

I am the main breadwinner, earning probably about 2-3 times that of my DH who is self-employed. He travels a lot for work and works unsociable hours (weekends mainly). I work more regular hours during the week but long days, around 40 hours during the week over 4 days. While at work it's a very high stress job, very full on, but I enjoy it for the most part.

Last weekend I went away on a girls trip for the first time since DD was born. DH picked up work last minute so invited my BIL and his wife to come down and help mind DD during day. BIL and MIL (75) came down instead - no problem.

The problem arises when I return after the trip on Sunday - BIL has gone back, MIL still remains. My DH returns from work later and we enjoy a nice dinner together. Monday I go to work, busy day as per usual while DH and MIL stay at home (DD in childcare Tues, Thurs, Friday). When I get home, we are all sitting around when DH says to MIL "no need to rush home" and that she can "stay until Christmas if she wants"!

This was never discussed. DH is going away this week from Wed-Fri for work and working during the day on Sat and Sun so wont be around. My MIL is lovely but cannot drive and has mild vision loss. She lives in an urban area and is used to having lots of resources in walking/public transport distance.

AIBU that this is too much to put on me around this unplanned stay during a working week? DH says I am being mean and rude to his elderly mother - I have never said anything directly to her as I don't feel she is the issue, rather DH expectations of my role!

Sorry for the lengthy post/rant 😮‍💨

Was it meant as a joke? Like a ‘you can come again!’ Type thing?

I will be expected to drive, entertain etc as well as work and be primary caregiver to DD.

Well, don’t.

‘DH-I work 40 hour weeks. I won’t be driving your mum anywhere or entertaining her, because…I’ll be at work.’

Where is your DC whilst you work?

Mybae your DH thought it would be helpful for you to have her around whilst he's away. I just saw the Christmas thing as a joke.
I do think YABU for expecting her to leave the minute you got back, surely if she's made the effort to come and help out a few extra days is reasonable? Do you really believe she's staying for lots longer? If really she is then YANBU as 14 weeks is def too much

Wow.

This seems to be one of these things where there are very different norms in different families.

It would never cross my mind that it was a big deal to have a family member or close friend stay. The only ‘checking’ would be that husband doesn’t also have someone potentially coming. I don’t see People in that category as guests, they’re part of the household while they’re there.

If there’s an expectation of hostess with the mostess the whole time then it’s a bit different but someone who’s independent is fine.

If the topic has never been discussed either way (guests must be pre agreed with relevant notice Vs friends and family welcome anytime) then it’s something you both need to talk about, and the issue is both assuming that the other took your same approach.

“There’s no rush to go home….you could stay Christmas” said to her without talking to you first?!

Jesus wept. What a knobbish thing to do.

I’m assuming you work out of the house so when you are out all day, your dc is at childcare and most of those days your dh is at work all day too.
Your visually impaired MIL will be on her own for a very long day in an unfamiliar house. There will be limited opportunities in the evening for quality time with your dc as she will need to have tea and get to bed. I can’t see her enjoying that as she is going to feel lonely and isolated. I cant see her wanting to stay a long period of time unless you /dh change you working patterns to accomodate. Your dh has shown no sign of that has he?

If your DH is working away at the weekend then there might be an expectation you will entertain her or she may be expecting to spend an extended amount of time with dc but you will still have to be around. After a couple of days hosting her as a guest you will need to get back into your routine and I know it sounds mean but I would do that to show her how your lives are.

I suspect that BIL rushed back as soon as he could and dh offered his mum to spend some time with you all promising he would drive her back in a few days, but in reality just assumed you would entertain her and it would have no impact on him.

Can you carry in until after the weekend and then speak to her to say this is how we live - we are both out of the house for long days and dc is in childcare, its no fun for you and this is not going to change. It would be better if we arrange for you to come to us when we both have time off work so that we can spend some quality time together. Hopefully she she will ask one of you to drive her home.

It was wrong of DH to make this comment without telling you. If she is to stay, she's part of the family so you don't make any special arrangements like when you have a guest, ie extra nice meals, taking someone out for the day. If she stays and wants to go out, just tell her you're tired and need a rest, or something like Saturday is my day for catching up and I stay at home. If she needs to go out for essential things, ie glasses break (something similar) DH will have to step up.

Im a cynical Susie, but how much will she be 'helping' and how much will be you looking after her? Agree with pp re it'll be 'she can't go home to an empty house after Christmas...' do you trust dh and bil that this isn't a planned stealth move in of her?

Only a husband with absolutely no respect nor regard for you would do something so rude and disrespectful of you.

To then call you mean is completely unacceptable.

Personally I would be having a long hard think about your marriage because what he has done is deal breaker stuff.

I certainly wouldn't want to remain married to someone so selfish and dismissive of me and my right to enjoy my home.

This is not just about your MIL, this is about him inviting anyone to stay for months, expecting you to care and drive them about, without any discussion.

Unbelievably disrespectful.

I wouldn't want to be near someone with so little regard and respect for me.

HIS behaviour is not normal.

So she is only OK if useful? Does the rule work with your parents also?

And if I wanted my parents to help me with our child why would it be different for dh's?

If children are being cared for why the drama?

Is he moving her in by stealth? A 3 month stay is unusual and what’s going to happen after Christmas? Surely she has friends to see at home etc. Is BIL trying to offload her onto you? I’d ask her when she wants to go home and set a date.

I agree with this. The OP's DD is in childcare while she works.

Ask your DH why he thought it was OK to make this decision unilaterally. Ask him what he thinks is going to happen if you're working on one of your long, full-on weeks and MIL asks for a lift/entertaining.

Sounds planned.

BIL drops her off and leaves promptly.

I doubt she is going to return mid winter to her home.

You are being lined up to be her carer without so much as a conversation.

Har to believe you have a healthy marriage and your husband would do this.

Such profound disrespect of you.

You need to tackle this immediately and tell him she needs to go home.

If he refuses, then you know it was deliberate.

You can then decide if this is the life you want going forward.

Did she help with looking after Dd on Monday and Wednesday? Will she help over the w/e while DH is working?

Yes, ideally he should not be issuing invitations without talking to you, but she is family, in our family family members aren’t ‘guests’ requiring hosting but just household members doing their own thing etc.

I would find ways to make the best of whatever she is able to do, while checking arrangements for her return. Good question, how will she get home?

I am taking it as obvious that the OP’s DH was joking about Christmas? And that MIL has no intentions of staying until Christmas. She presumably arrived with a small hold-all of stuff, and at 76 will have a life back home. Also seems to live close to BIL. Why would she move in ‘by stealth’ to the OP’s?

I would have a massive issue with this too. I would not be doing it. She needs to go when he does, as he will not be there to look after her.

Fuck that.

MIL leaves the day before your H disappears for work. If he has to do a long drive to drop her back that day, so be it.

I wouldn't be working a 40 hour week solo doing all childcare and housework etc myself and then have a dependent adult living with me too that I didn't agree to.

Your DH is taking the piss. When he's home he can have his mother to stay, when he's not, she is not your responsibility to look after.

Yes, the 'invited' was a hilarious touch. Perhaps one of those parents who thinks that grandparents are 'privileged' to be allowed to provide free childcare for their ungrateful offspring's offspring?

Indeed. It all sounds like much drama about nothing.

Would you be happy with your dh inviting someone to stay for an unending period of time whom you had to care for while you worked full time? But its all OK as dc are in childcare so op has all the time to run around after the mil...

Why all the furore at the op and stating she's happy enough to accept the help and support from the MIL then ditching her when not needed when op clearly stated She is a doting grandmother but because of her sight issues wouldn't be able for extended periods of time alone with DD (which I wouldn't expect).
So doesn't sound like MIL provides any 'care' for dc

I was ready for yet another MIL rant, but i am totally with you on this one, stay until Christmas! Surely she wouldn't want too, wrong clothes, colder weather on on its way soon.
Your husband is at fault here saying that without discussion with you first.

No he didn't.

It should have been brother and his wife. His mother was an unmentioned substitution

SHE wasn't invited!
She was substituted for her DIL and no-one knew till she turned up!