MIL - unplanned stay!

[Lalaland1112]

I have been really upset about this the last couple of days so want to get some opinions.

I (32f) live with my husband (36m) with our 14 month old DD. We have recently moved into a beautiful new home this year in a rural area, near to my family. DH family live 2-3 hours away.

I am the main breadwinner, earning probably about 2-3 times that of my DH who is self-employed. He travels a lot for work and works unsociable hours (weekends mainly). I work more regular hours during the week but long days, around 40 hours during the week over 4 days. While at work it's a very high stress job, very full on, but I enjoy it for the most part.

Last weekend I went away on a girls trip for the first time since DD was born. DH picked up work last minute so invited my BIL and his wife to come down and help mind DD during day. BIL and MIL (75) came down instead - no problem.

The problem arises when I return after the trip on Sunday - BIL has gone back, MIL still remains. My DH returns from work later and we enjoy a nice dinner together. Monday I go to work, busy day as per usual while DH and MIL stay at home (DD in childcare Tues, Thurs, Friday). When I get home, we are all sitting around when DH says to MIL "no need to rush home" and that she can "stay until Christmas if she wants"!

This was never discussed. DH is going away this week from Wed-Fri for work and working during the day on Sat and Sun so wont be around. My MIL is lovely but cannot drive and has mild vision loss. She lives in an urban area and is used to having lots of resources in walking/public transport distance.

AIBU that this is too much to put on me around this unplanned stay during a working week? DH says I am being mean and rude to his elderly mother - I have never said anything directly to her as I don't feel she is the issue, rather DH expectations of my role!

Sorry for the lengthy post/rant 😮‍💨

I would assume he’d realised how much easier his life was with his mum there looking after his kids and told her to stay!

Then DH is home to ferry her about since he saw fit to invite her to stay without discussing it with you first.

not on.

Yeah I’d absolutely hate this. Nothing wrong with my MIL but a few days living together is just always enough and I want my space back. Especially when work is full on. Not unreasonable at all to feel upset by this , and your DH should not be so presumptuous.

OP you seem to think this is a communication problem yet you also seem to have not talked to your DH about it so it looks like you are as bad as each other.

So she came over to help out your family.
Then she’s stayed an extra couple of days?
Then your DH has made, what I would assume to be a joke, comment about her staying longer?
Can’t quite work out the huge issue.
He can’t be serious about her staying for the next 3 months?? Why would she want to?

“ DH picked up work last minute so invited my BIL and his wife to come down and help mind DD during day”

🤣He ‘Invited’ them to come and look after his child - how magnanimous of him. And now the job is done MIL is no longer ‘invited’ and can fuck off until needed again. 🤣 Couldn’t make it up.

Obviously the stay until Christmas was just a kind jokey comment and you all know that she won’t.

You DH needs family to look after his children as he can’t manage on his own, but it’s fine for you?
Fuck no would I have family stay that long.

I think there's a certain type of men (& I'm married to one) who go along with the idea of taking turns and holding the fort while their wives have a weekend away but then possibly unconsciously and secretly resent it. There's then often some kind of repercussions to deal with because you weren't there at the time. Not saying this is the case here but wanted to throw in the possibility. My kids are much older and I have observed this by now as a pattern of behaviour. Hopefully not the case here because this type of behaviour sucks.

Yanbu. Stay overs are a joint decision. Your dh is being a petulant child. Who t f wants an extra guest in routine life? I love my family, but unless it was planned and there be a reason for long term stay (my mum stayed at my sisters when her first child was born to support her), I would absolutely be livid if someone visited for an hour unannounced, nevermind stay and that too for moths, while I need to adult and parent?! 😳 absolutely the f not!

Your husband is disrespectful. I would tell him that since he invited her he will have to take time off work to entertain her. Period. And stick to it! You're not the help.

I'd be more annoyed by the fact you earn way more than DH but he's the one who gets to swan off travelling all the time! So while he's away you do night wakes, nursery drops and everything else!

Your DH is at fault for inviting her without consulting you.

this

Bloody hell, even as the main breadwinner your husband treats you as the skivvy who entertains his mother.

If he is not around then his family can’t stay, simple as. MIL needs to go back the day before he goes away.

I also think he needs to get a job that doesn’t involve working weekends. Does he pull his weight during the week?

Is your MIL still with you? I think most people would be keen to go back to their own homes. I would be annoyed at DH for the comment too, but he may have genuinely meant it as a joke (i.e. it's fine to stay a few more hours, another night, no rush etc), if he really did not think she'd stay for an extended period. It depends what your MIL is like. There should be no expectation that you'd drive her around etc though, so if your DH does expect that, it's worth pointing out to him that he's responsible for her, and he will need to sort out all her needs. Feed her the meals you're making anyway, but when she stays, whether he's working or not, he sorts everything else as you don't have the time for extra jobs during the week.

Why are there still posts saying how much the mil is helping care for dc? She isn't!

MIL is sight imported her ability to help with childcare is limited.

OP puts her children in childcare, there is no childcare element involved for MIL when OP Is home. It is OP’s husband who needed childcare, he ‘picked up’ work when OP was due to go away for work. Conveniently the H couldn’t look after his own children for a couple of days.

OP has indicated this is not a joke regarding the stay till Xmas and is wondering how the hell she’s going to manage with MIL’s needs, her full time job which is paying for the household, and her children.

not sure why pp’s are insisting Xmas is a joke of OP is saying it’s not.

Which of OPs posts indicates it wasn't possibly a joke? I can't find it.

That’s because there isn’t one . I bet she’s gone home already .

Yep @Tourmalines , the OP has probably immediately started a thread when her OP made the comment, presuming he was serious and her MIL was going to stay for months. OP certainly hasn't confirmed that it wasn't a joke, and that her DH was indeed being serious. She also hasn't indicated if, 3 days later MIL is still there. I'd also bet my house that MIL is now at home and is no longer there, and OP has made a storm out of a teacup. If she was still there, OP would probably be back on here complaining about it, but she's not, so that says a lot.

When her DH made the comment even, not OP!

OP I should just address this factually, there's no need to be rude because the facts alone will make this stay unattractive to her:
'MIL of course you're welcome to stay with us a bit longer. Unfortunately I am working during the week so I won't be able to drive you around or even spend any time with you. Also I work long days, up to 10 hours a day, so when DH isn't here I don't bother to cook meals in the evening or eat at a set time, I just cobble something quick together as and when.'
Job done, I would think.

The any moaning from MIL or DH about her being bored etc can be met with a simple 'I'm sorry but I did say up front that I wouldn't have time to ferry you/her around or to spend time entertaining you/her.'

Wow, this has really divided people. It's been good to read different opinions from both sides to self-reflect. I suppose it's very hard to portray all the nuances on our personal situation in a written online post.

I note a lot of people commenting on me mentioning being the breadwinner and how that has any relevance to the situation. I suppose we are in a very lucky position that in theory we would be able to live off my income alone. However, DH does not want to be a SAHP. He works in a niche area with a very erratic work pattern, which can often be >40 hours/week. Despite his unsociable hours, there is very little in his side of monthly financial contributions once childcare costs are taken out, so there is a certain amount of underlying resentment building up there. I think I am jealous that I will never get the opportunity to be a SAHP as the bills need to be paid and I feel the pressure of this responsibility. Again this is probably something that exacerbated the whole situation rather than a specific issue with my MIL.

I don't expect either set of grandparents to be our childminders or our housecleaners when they stay. For a number of years prior to DD's arrival we lived in close proximity to DH's family so I know what it is like to be further away from my family. I don't want my in-laws to feel unwelcome when they come, I just want prior notice for extended visits and a bit of consideration from DH of how their visit is going to impact our day to day lives.

Anyways, a final date has been set for MIL to return home so I feel a bit clearer on things. This post and the subsequent replies have really prompted me to dig deeper into our own relationship issues as I think there is a lot more at play here than meets the eye. Thanks for all the answers.

Nearly 4 months!

Completely unreasonable. 1 week max. 10 days, maybe over Christmas. DH is taking the mick. And, though not her fault, MIL realise that's ridiculous

I have to say I would never be able to accept being the main earner and also doing most of the parenting and stuff at home. And he just picks up work on a weekend you’re away- I’d be looking at my Dh and thinking what is the fucking point of you? So I can understand there’s some resentment. In yoru position I’d say of course you don’t have to be a sahd, but you have to pull your weight at home. You’re not and I’m falling steadily out of love with you, as we are not a team.