MIL - unplanned stay!

[Lalaland1112]

I have been really upset about this the last couple of days so want to get some opinions.

I (32f) live with my husband (36m) with our 14 month old DD. We have recently moved into a beautiful new home this year in a rural area, near to my family. DH family live 2-3 hours away.

I am the main breadwinner, earning probably about 2-3 times that of my DH who is self-employed. He travels a lot for work and works unsociable hours (weekends mainly). I work more regular hours during the week but long days, around 40 hours during the week over 4 days. While at work it's a very high stress job, very full on, but I enjoy it for the most part.

Last weekend I went away on a girls trip for the first time since DD was born. DH picked up work last minute so invited my BIL and his wife to come down and help mind DD during day. BIL and MIL (75) came down instead - no problem.

The problem arises when I return after the trip on Sunday - BIL has gone back, MIL still remains. My DH returns from work later and we enjoy a nice dinner together. Monday I go to work, busy day as per usual while DH and MIL stay at home (DD in childcare Tues, Thurs, Friday). When I get home, we are all sitting around when DH says to MIL "no need to rush home" and that she can "stay until Christmas if she wants"!

This was never discussed. DH is going away this week from Wed-Fri for work and working during the day on Sat and Sun so wont be around. My MIL is lovely but cannot drive and has mild vision loss. She lives in an urban area and is used to having lots of resources in walking/public transport distance.

AIBU that this is too much to put on me around this unplanned stay during a working week? DH says I am being mean and rude to his elderly mother - I have never said anything directly to her as I don't feel she is the issue, rather DH expectations of my role!

Sorry for the lengthy post/rant 😮‍💨

She WASN'T invited if you read the OP

Also, if you read her posts, she points out that MiL has sight issues so isn't able to help look after her DGD on her own anyway.

So the OP isn't showing any 'privilege' at all.

I wonder if OP was the only one who didn't know!

You'd ask her to help with meals and childcare again. Some people take the piss! She came to help, poor vision notwithstanding. She helped. She was invited to stay longer. Now it's been suggested that, in which case, she puts up more labour! Some people can't tell the difference between relatives and employees.

Not you, OP.

Did MIL help? Can't see where it said, yes op has said she values the importance of building a bond, but not how it would be beneficial to her.
There's really only so long I could tolerate another person in my house!

And I bet it will be the OP cooking for her, possibly doing her washing and entertaining her too

Gawd, yes! Even the people I love spending time with most need to leave after a week.

I'm 27 and my grandparents are the same age as your MIL. They adore my daughter (their first great grandchild) but I doubt they'd want to babysit, especially if she was a toddler. I bet your BIL did all the childcare when your husband asked him to help out whilst you were away. You need to ask your husband why he's invited his mum to stay, especially as he is going away for a few days. If he wants her to stay then he needs to stay and do all the hosting, extra laundry, extra cooking etc.

My DM lives with us but DH and I discussed this as a possibility for years before it happened and agreed it all. You don't just do it unilaterally.

I don't think you're being U. Because she wasn't invited and stayed without consultation. I wouldn't want an open-ended visit when I'm juggling work, a young child and an absent husband.

Does your DH know why she wants to stay? Is she lonely? How would she get home? Presumably not driving if she has eyesight problems. Is she waiting for your DH to offer to drive her home?

The problem is the husband.

YANBU. I have just come to the end of a 3month MIL stay that I really didn’t get much say it. It was extremely extremely tough, especially around work etc as well

Just explain to you husband that "as the main breadwinner" its up to you who stays in the family home.

So if a husband was the main breadwinner and said that it would be OK if it was the wife's parents?

Sounds like the BIL has pulled a fast one

Not driving and having a mild visual impairment both lead to somebody being more dependent, especially in a rural area where they are far from friends and public transport.

A houseguest - and even if they are relatives, they are also houseguests - are easier company, when they are going off and seeing friends and local beauty spots. Also if they can drive to the supermarket and do a load of shopping then cook the dinner.

I think clarity and agreement about length of stays means that everyone can enjoy themselves. Open-ended arrangements that haven't been planned in advance seem like a recipe for trouble.

It will also mean no other house guests for what the next 3 months unless there's 2 spare rooms?

She cant be serious about staying until Christmas? Er, can she?

Interesting point raised by PP though - perhaps BIL has been giving MIL a lot of support and wants a break.

But I assume she ISN'T actually staying until Christmas?! Just that that's what your DH said off the cuff? I'm assuming she'll want to go home.

My husband did this to me once. Was an absolute nightmare. My situation was different but I know the stress you feel. I’m glad you’ve said something.

YANBU - I would feel (and have felt) exactly the same… I feel I work so hard in a high pressure job and have to deal with so many people and carry most of the mental load of running our lives - when I am home, I just want to be with my DC and DH (and then maybe only JUST :) )… I don’t like unannounced or unplanned visits and just need down time…when it’s arranged I work hard to make everyone feels welcome and looked after… it was and still remains our main trigger of disagreements and it been 10 years!

It’s obvious from your saying your earn SO MUCH MORE than your husband that you have marriage issues - what’s your salary got to do with this?! I feel sorry for your poor MIL, I expect she’ll soon pick up on the atmosphere between you and your DH and will quickly leave.

So was the ulterior motive of your husband to move to the big rural home to have his mom come live with you?

more communication between yourself and DH … 👍 Be honest .. nicely of course .. but let it be known you feel disrespected and hurt

Christ, the Christmas thing is clearly a figure of speech or a joke. Nobody expects her to stay more than a few more days. Just have a rational conversation with your partner and his mum about how long she'll actually stay. And remember that one day you'll likely be 75 and an MIL, and pray for better luck than this lady.

Why is it relevant that you make more money than your DH? Does that give you more say?

It was good of MiL to help out, you shouldn’t begrudge her staying on for a bit, she probably doesn’t see DGC all that often. Christmas was a joke surely!