To think this friendship is finished?

[DaisyDuke111]

DH and I have very long standing friends. Over 20years of friendship.

Our children went to same primary school and we did lots of things together when they were young holidays, days out, camping etc.

We have all been through tough times over the years but class each other as extended family. The lady, let's call her J doesn't have siblings and would call me her sister.

As the DC got older we didn't meet up as much but always got together for special occasions and spoke regularly on the phone, especially if either one of us had a problem. She was my go to for advice and me her.

Last year I was having a particularly bad time. One of my family members was very ill and we came close to losing them a few times. Thankfully they improved, when they did I can only describe what I had as a nervous breakdown resulting in a long hospital stay.

J did text me and sent love and seemed really happy when I was discharged. I was always careful when we spoke so it wasn't all about me, enquiring on her and her family etc.

However, contact between us became bare minimum. A week after my discharge I had a car accident which resulted in having major surgery. When I was discharged from hospital after 3 weeks I text her why I hadn't been in contact and she messaged back to say how awful and hope you recover etc.

I never got a card, visit, or any offer of help.
All the time I was in hospital J never reached out to my DH or any of my DC.

Today was our wedding anniversary and she sent a card. My DH said how lovely but I can't help feeling really upset in her lack of concern or support. If it had happened to her I would have wanted to visit and help out.

Im so upset about this and due to my mental health problems I can't stop thinking about it. My family just say "forget it and she obviously isn't a true friend." But I can't help going over and over it and wondering what I have done wrong?

It's my birthday next month and if she sends a card I don't want to phone and say thank you. I feel that it's pretty laughable to send cards and just ignore someone who has been through so much.

Half of me wants to message her and ask why and what have I done? The other half says ignore and rise above it.

Wwyd and AIBU to feel like this?

Sorry for the length of the post

Gosh that's so hard op.

I don't blame you for not wanting to respond anymore.
All the best

I'd be hurt too but it's possible she was going through something difficult herself? Maybe that's why she didn't contact you and offer to help. You probably haven't done anything wrong at all - maybe she's just thoughtless and self-centred, or maybe something was going on with her at the time that you weren't aware of.

Maybe it's not about you? She could be going through some hard times and didn't want to burden you?

Unfortunately it is very common and very tough that people with disabilities, serious health issues and mental illness lose friends because the friend can't cope, doesn't want to or has prejudices. It's wrong but a lot of people face it

My best to you it's not a great club to be in

Perhaps your friend has something equally awful going on in their life but doesn’t want to burden you with it when you’ve a lot on your plate. So they’re trying to stay in contact but keep it light until everyone is back on the same page?

It might not be all about you.

Maybe she is going through hell herself and doesn’t want to burden you with it as you have had a terrible time yourself. Call her

Not everyone has the time, energy or ability to step up exactly when you need them. This is a harsh truth and often only revealed when you get ill or have a crisis. My approach, having had a lot of disasters over the years, is to have a few friends rather than one or two friends, and so at any one time, there is someone with a bit of spare capacity, but not everyone at the same time. I also had a tough time with my MH at one point and one friend just didn't know what to say at all, and I was too depressed to reach out, it got quite awkward but she told me she didn't want to pester me and since then has been a good friend.

I guess I'm trying to say a lot of people on here will say ditch a friend if they don't respond effusively in your time of crisis, but my own experience is to try to leave room for friends to come in and out of your life- it may be at one time they are super-worried about work, or their own lives, or depressed or in the menopause, and can't be the brilliant friend you want but at another time they can step forward- the same is true for me, sometimes I'm a great friend, sometimes not so much. I have friends I speak to weekly, some once a month, some once a year, it's not all the same.

If they are never there for you, and you don't ever have fun with them, obviously don't continue the friendship, but I might give your friend a chance on this one.

You are being completely unreasonable. Has it not occurred to you that she is also a person with her own issues, some you may have absolutely no knowledge of due to her not wanting to burden you with. She is not indebted to be your therapist or emotional punching bag. Friendship has limits.

All I see is you, you, you.

I know there isn't anything going on as my DH sees her partner regularly. They play football together.

When I have spoken to her I have always asked if everything is ok. My next door neighbour showed more concern, she bought me flowers, chocolates and a beautiful card and offered help and I hardly know her.
My DH asked her partner if I had upset her and he said " no but I think J has messaged her and she hasn't replied" which isn't true.
Im really trying to think what could be wrong but surely a get well card wouldn't have been too hard?
I'm not sure if I should phone her and risk an argument or just accept the friendship is gone?

An excellent, measured response 👏

oh OP, you’ve been through so much. I can see why you feel deserted, but I don’t think this sounds like a friendship to throw away lightly.
your friend may have a lot going on. They may be struggling.

just take care of yourself, focus on healing, and give them the benefit of the doubt. I know it’s hard when you are in recovery, but from an outside perspective, this is one of the difficult spells that friendships can weather.

I am not usually one to say this at all- I’m the first to say “LTB,” but breathe and put this one on the back burner for now - give it a chance.

Why do you think there'll be an argument, why would there be?

This! Well said

I didn't expect her to be my therapist or emotional punchbag. I expected her to my friend.
When she lost her DF 10years go I went above and beyond for her. Dropping/ picking the DC from school, feeding them and just being there for her.
She regarded me as the "sister she never had."

@DaisyDuke111 her partner isn't going to tell you anything on a football pitch about her emotional state, is he?

It's easy when you see someone daily to get invested for a short time in their lives, pick up a box of chocs in the supermarket, but if you moved away, you might not stay friends. People who stay in your life long-term are valuable.

I would not bother calling if you feel angry and resentful, just leave it for a bit or send a neutral text (perhaps checking how she is too?)

Wait and see what happens, she wasn't there for you that much (although she did text and respond it seems) during that time, only you know if you want to ditch her, perhaps in a while you might welcome someone who has known you a long time.

So you just wanted to vent and share your hurt in this thread. Which is fine.

But you should have said as much.

I'm agreeing with PPs...it's probable she just didn't have the emotional bandwidth to keep supporting you in your 12 months of horrible time. And you know what, that's not her being nasty or suchlike. It's her being human.

She's extended an olive branch.

I can totally see why you feel let down and it must be really tough after everything you've been through.

I am sorry to say this all very wor is me and if you are not feeling great yourself, having so much negativity in one person can be too much for some person especially if they have friends to boost them like radiators rather than drains.

I am very sorry for the awful things you have gone through op, but please remember this sounds like a fair weather friend who wants to have fun and doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with so much tragedy.

Itt actually very common so if you want her back in your life, it's probably best to fake it until you make it, in this case joviality and light-heartedness and fun I'm afraid.

Woe*

OP your friend may have been triggered, perhaps a close family member of her went through an accident and it reminded her of a difficult time and she felt she couldn’t cope.

Or perhaps you’ve had quite a few tough times she’s been there for and as a result the friendship had become one-sided without you knowing it and she had to take a step back?

Also you say she wasn’t dealing with anything, but you don’t actually know that. There are battles people face that not even their own partner knows about.

I had to step back from a friend who constantly used me as their therapist. I tried to keep it light with her and put boundaries in place with our conversation, as there was only so much I could listen to her tales of trauma. However she kept trauma dumping and pushing against my boundaries to the extent it was affecting my mental health.
If they never want to be friends again that suits me because I feel lighter already not having to deal with her problems anymore.

Perhaps send your friend a text thanking her for the card and suggesting you should meet up for coffee as you’d love to hear what’s been going on in her life or something like that. Make it clear you want a fun, light hearted catch up rather than wanting to lay anything heavy on her.

Sometimes people just don’t know what to say when it comes to mental health problems, or they fear saying the wrong thing, so they keep putting it off until it becomes awkward. The fact that she’s sending cards shows she still cares I think. I would maybe gently point out that you have noticed a distance between you in a non accusatory way. If it’s affected you so deeply, it must mean that you care.

Thank you for your replies, it has given me a lot to think about.

@Highdaysandholidays1 just wanted to say it isn't just a football match. They go for a drink after and have met up several times for meals.

Maybe I am being a bit "woe is me" but I guess spending 3 months in a psychiatric hospital and being seriously hurt I'm entitled to feel a little like that?

Maybe though she is fed up of my drama and can't cope with it. It's just very upsetting

Maybe she’s giving you what she thinks you would need ( space).
Is a card really necessary? She messaged to give her best wishes, why do you need a card? Are your kids at a stage where you need childcare?
If she’s been a good friend for 20 years, you’re being massively ott to dump her for not reacting perfectly in this situation.

I think you may have trauma dumped one time too often and she is avoiding you

The people I know with MH problems are quite self centered and are not very good at listening...

Perhaps you are unaware of how you come across and how much you actually offload.

Of course it would be lovely if if our friends don't have compassion fatigue but it is a real thing and puts people off instead of stepping up.

Again thanks, your replies have given me a lot to think about.

Im not abandoning this thread but I have work tomorrow so need to sleep.