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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this friendship is finished?

111 replies

DaisyDuke111 · 12/09/2023 23:22

DH and I have very long standing friends. Over 20years of friendship.

Our children went to same primary school and we did lots of things together when they were young holidays, days out, camping etc.

We have all been through tough times over the years but class each other as extended family. The lady, let's call her J doesn't have siblings and would call me her sister.

As the DC got older we didn't meet up as much but always got together for special occasions and spoke regularly on the phone, especially if either one of us had a problem. She was my go to for advice and me her.

Last year I was having a particularly bad time. One of my family members was very ill and we came close to losing them a few times. Thankfully they improved, when they did I can only describe what I had as a nervous breakdown resulting in a long hospital stay.

J did text me and sent love and seemed really happy when I was discharged. I was always careful when we spoke so it wasn't all about me, enquiring on her and her family etc.

However, contact between us became bare minimum. A week after my discharge I had a car accident which resulted in having major surgery. When I was discharged from hospital after 3 weeks I text her why I hadn't been in contact and she messaged back to say how awful and hope you recover etc.

I never got a card, visit, or any offer of help.
All the time I was in hospital J never reached out to my DH or any of my DC.

Today was our wedding anniversary and she sent a card. My DH said how lovely but I can't help feeling really upset in her lack of concern or support. If it had happened to her I would have wanted to visit and help out.

Im so upset about this and due to my mental health problems I can't stop thinking about it. My family just say "forget it and she obviously isn't a true friend." But I can't help going over and over it and wondering what I have done wrong?

It's my birthday next month and if she sends a card I don't want to phone and say thank you. I feel that it's pretty laughable to send cards and just ignore someone who has been through so much.

Half of me wants to message her and ask why and what have I done? The other half says ignore and rise above it.

Wwyd and AIBU to feel like this?

Sorry for the length of the post

OP posts:

BluebellsForest · 14/09/2023 14:55

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 14/09/2023 13:40

All those saying that there may be reasons that they couldn't cope with what was going on in my life, well too fucking bad.

So your attitude to your friend also having a difficult time is "too fucking bad, all that matters is me me me?"

I think that is more of a reaction to being piled on by a bunch of MNers who think buying a bunch of supermarket flowers and sending the odd text is just way too much effort.

Vistada · 14/09/2023 14:56

OP - you've been through a horrendous time, for that I'm truly sorry and hope you're ok

But - you're being harsh to your friend. As the saying goes, you can't pour from an empty cup. You're assuming (and requiring) hers to be consistently full for you and (correct me if I'm wrong) - have never checked in to see if this is actually the case.

She's sent you a wedding anniversary card, this friendship isn't over - you're just holding her to too high of a standard.

Newgirls · 14/09/2023 15:05

Sorry for all that you’ve been through.

not sure what age you are but I’m mid 50s. Right now it seems like all my friends have a lot on with teen issues, health, work issues and it wears me out. I want to be a good friend but if it can get too much. No fault of yours of course. Do you ever just get to go out and have a few drinks and a laugh? Has it become a very serious friendship? I wouldn’t give up on it just yet

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 14/09/2023 15:22

BluebellsForest · 14/09/2023 14:55

I think that is more of a reaction to being piled on by a bunch of MNers who think buying a bunch of supermarket flowers and sending the odd text is just way too much effort.

Show quote history

But that's not the case with this friend? She's been in touch, sent cards she just hasn't performed to the level the op had hoped
?

BluebellsForest · 14/09/2023 16:06

An anniversary card to a woman who has been hospitalised with mental illness and then broken both legs in a car accident, @MyHornCanPierceTheSky.

That doesn't add up to friendship or even the most basic support.

Original poster

DaisyDuke111 · 14/09/2023 17:18

I feel this is really harsh, it's not because she didn't do exactly what I wanted her to do.

It's because she didn't do anything at all. Apart from a couple of text messages. I broke both of my legs!

OP posts:

Original poster

DaisyDuke111 · 14/09/2023 17:21

That was meant for @MyGooseisTotallyLoose

For some reason it won't let me quote people?

OP posts:

TWOTWT · 14/09/2023 19:07

You have been through a lot and I think it’s that classic thing that when you have a serious problem you really do find out who your friends are. Friendship should feel reciprocal and when it feels unbalanced like yours feels to you it can feel very unfair.
I was always the supportive friend. I went through something life changing and bad and I certainly realised who cared about me and who didn’t.
Ive distanced myself from the people who behaved like your friend. I felt a low priority to them and realised they were not part of my support network. They behave more like acquaintances. I think friends support you in good times and bad (and you do the same in return), acquaintances are just there for the laughs and the superficial stuff.

Original poster

DaisyDuke111 · 14/09/2023 20:32

@TWOTWT
So sorry you have been through this. This is exactly how I feel.

I don't think I can save this friendship now, for my own mental health I feel like I need to distance myself from people that make me feel bad.

OP posts:

TammyJones · 15/09/2023 20:46

I agree with @TWOTWT
I found that it's not always the people who you think will stick by you who truly do.
And on the flip side of that / others can surprise you.

Janiie · 15/09/2023 20:55

TammyJones · 15/09/2023 20:46

I agree with @TWOTWT
I found that it's not always the people who you think will stick by you who truly do.
And on the flip side of that / others can surprise you.

This.

Just let it go op. Some friends are just crap at support, it's disappointing but it is what it is. Focus on those you can rely on and who get it. Sorry for everything you've been through .

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