To think this friendship is finished?

[DaisyDuke111]

DH and I have very long standing friends. Over 20years of friendship.

Our children went to same primary school and we did lots of things together when they were young holidays, days out, camping etc.

We have all been through tough times over the years but class each other as extended family. The lady, let's call her J doesn't have siblings and would call me her sister.

As the DC got older we didn't meet up as much but always got together for special occasions and spoke regularly on the phone, especially if either one of us had a problem. She was my go to for advice and me her.

Last year I was having a particularly bad time. One of my family members was very ill and we came close to losing them a few times. Thankfully they improved, when they did I can only describe what I had as a nervous breakdown resulting in a long hospital stay.

J did text me and sent love and seemed really happy when I was discharged. I was always careful when we spoke so it wasn't all about me, enquiring on her and her family etc.

However, contact between us became bare minimum. A week after my discharge I had a car accident which resulted in having major surgery. When I was discharged from hospital after 3 weeks I text her why I hadn't been in contact and she messaged back to say how awful and hope you recover etc.

I never got a card, visit, or any offer of help.
All the time I was in hospital J never reached out to my DH or any of my DC.

Today was our wedding anniversary and she sent a card. My DH said how lovely but I can't help feeling really upset in her lack of concern or support. If it had happened to her I would have wanted to visit and help out.

Im so upset about this and due to my mental health problems I can't stop thinking about it. My family just say "forget it and she obviously isn't a true friend." But I can't help going over and over it and wondering what I have done wrong?

It's my birthday next month and if she sends a card I don't want to phone and say thank you. I feel that it's pretty laughable to send cards and just ignore someone who has been through so much.

Half of me wants to message her and ask why and what have I done? The other half says ignore and rise above it.

Wwyd and AIBU to feel like this?

Sorry for the length of the post

See link

This with bells on.

The difficult reality OP is that lots of people only like the happy and easy aspects of friendship.
As soon as difficult life events happen for the other person they arent gaining from the friendship and move on.

Good friends are there in times of trouble

This one isn't a good friend.

She may have been once, but she isn't now.

I don't think she wants to be friends anymore.

You said that you were there for her, very supportive etc so why can’t she do the same for you. It doesn’t work like that, one good deed doesn’t guarantee another in return, you do what is right at the time.

I had a friend who has not suffered anywhere near as much as you have, but to listen to her, you’d think she had been through two world wars. She would count how many sympathy cards she had received and write a list of people who visited during hard times. I had to step away for my own self preservation, and I just couldn’t be what she wanted me to be.

I’m not comparing her to you, but your friend may feel overwhelmed and not know how to even start helping you. Friends are precious, when you feel stronger - and you will - you might really appreciate her friendship.

Friends don’t have to tick every box all the time to still be a friend.

Maybe she thought keeping in touch via text while you had your first stay in hospital was better than a card? Regular communication is surely more helpful than a few words on a bit of paper?

As to the second stay, she wasn't aware of it and may have just thought you needed space having just got out of hospital so was giving you time. She responded kindly when you told her.

Alternatively maybe she needed some space. Having supported you through the previous year, she may have reached her limit.

Few things here. First of all you're being naive to say nothing is going on with her because your DH plays football with her DH......anyone who speaks to my DH and asks about me he will say yes shes brilliant thanks. But in reality I have been having such a bad time, crying a lot, not going out, in a massive rut with likely some depression. Would ANYONE know that, even my DH, definitely not!

Second of all...3 months in a psychiatric hospital. Sorry but I think you have to realise that not everyone knows how to handle this. It doesn't mean she's not a friend, it might mean she has backed off not knowing what the hell to do for the best. 3 months in somewhere like this is not an evert day occurance, it's massive. Not everyone knows what they should be doing in this situation.

And how could she have reached out when you were in hospital after your crash, when she didn't know about your crash until you came out of hospital and told her? I've never sent a card to anyone who has had a crash, it's not an illness to get well from. I've also never received a card for being in a crash.

I think YABU and really harsh on this friend.

Nope. Get rid.

The reality is that you find out who your friends really are during a time of crisis.

It seems that people on this thread are bending over backwards to find excuses as to why this person did not bother to get in touch more often when you were struggling, the reality is usually much simpler: she chose not to.

I always think that you always find time for people and things that matter.

As for the people who suggested that it is your fault for inconveniently going through a crisis or sharing your worries: real friends are with you through good and bad times not just for the pleasant, fun, stuff.

Frankly it takes very little effort to send emails/text or to call someone. If you are struggling yourself and can't give someone else who is struggling much support again all you have to do is communicate that and state that you are thinking of the person and wish you were more present but going through some tough times yourself.

Be kind to yourself and focus on developing other friendships.

Wise advice

A slightly different perspective. I've been the bad friend in this scenario. Not exactly the same circumstances but basically over a period of years my very good friend had a series of bad events happen to her and at the same time my life was going great. I didn't know how to deal with it and withdrew from the friendship. It's hard when a friendship is unbalanced and any moans you have are absolutely minute in the face of the others' issues. We also weren't physically near each other which made that easier. Completely on me and not in any way ok but that's what happened.

Luckily for me, after a few years I came to my senses and begged her forgiveness and she did forgive me. We're closer than ever now and I have supported her through bad times again and not repeated the behaviour.

I'm not saying don't ditch her, but if you really value the friendship, I think it's worth you speaking to her to see what's going on. As others have said, she may have something going on herself, or maybe she's struggling to cope with how to deal with the inevitable changes in friendship dynamics. Maybe she's just a shit who isn't worth your time of course but I wouldn't give up on a really long term close friendship easily. They're not easy to replace!

I'm not sure being there for her when her dad died and being there for you for 12 months of trials, can be equated.

If a Happy Anniversary card wasn't enough for you, then a Get Well card wouldn't have been either. You want more. She can't supply that.

Friendships sometimes run their course.

But I can't help going over and over it and wondering what I have done wrong?

Please don't beat yourself up over this OP. You haven't done anything wrong.

Reading your post, I thought to myself that you don't actually sound like you are that close anymore, ie. only meeting up on special occasions. I know you said that you're like sisters, but the truth if that you're not sisters, and it sounds to me as if this friendship was petering out anyway.

My advice would be to either just leave it to continue as it is, with the odd meet up and cards and accept that you no longer have the relationship you had before, or, if you really can't stop thinking about it, ask to meet up and have a talk with her about how you feel.

Some friends just aren't good in a crisis.

I went through a very hard time when my son died and I was completely surprised by the friends who stepped up and the (very long term) friends who didn't.

I had a big falling out with one of my close friends because she wasn't supportive.

We are friends again now and I'm glad she is back in my life. It she is a 'fun, positive, motivating' person and not at all great at empathy or support. I know that now and get that from somewhere else.

Think of it as all your friends being Top Trumps cards. She gets a low score for this, but think about her other qualities.

Some friends, on the other hand, have literally never spoken me again.

I'm sorry you've been through a lot and hope you have other people to support you.

Some people can’t manage other people’s difficulties. She sounds like this type of person. All going fine and she’s there. You need a friend for support and she’s distancing. It’s not your fault or anything you’ve done it’s her lack of empathy that’s her problem. Focus in on taking care of you. Reply to her card. Don’t have any expectations. It’s sad when a friend can’t be there for you but now you know her better. Look out for other friends when you feel up to this.

Sorry OP but I think YABU. I know being ill can make you feel very emotional but I wouldn't expect that from my friends I have my close family for that. I generally hate the "you don't know what someone is going through" mantra but in this case I agree with it plus emotionally supporting other people can be exhausting. She may have something going on that her DH doesn't want to disclose.

I sorry you've had so many "you don't know what she's going through" replies. It's become the dismissive go to response on MN.

Of course there are situations where that may be relevant and worth considering. It really doesn't sound like this is one of them.

Vastly more likely is that she couldn't cope with your hospitalisation for MH and withdrew. A less emotionally avoidant person would have possibly managed to switch back into friend mode when you had your car accident. She didn't and that must hurt a lot.

It's not you, OP. Many people who have had serious ill health experience similar, and find unexpected people are kinder than those they thought would be supportive.

It's like they can't tolerate the level and duration to which someone close to them is suffering, so they just sweep it all under the carpet. The anniversary card is an attempt to just carry on as if nothing ever happened. 'It's all fine. Life is continuing as usual.' This is all about her need to avoid challenging and uncomfortable times.

Oh god, just realised this is on AIBU, OP, hence the number of people just waiting to blame and dismiss you rather than show any understanding. Relationships would be better. Never post in AIBU if you are hurt.

You’ve been through hell and I’m so so sorry 💐

I can completely see why you feel the way you do. I don’t think you need to do anything, it’s okay to sit with your feelings about it.

@PorridgeOnToast
I'm not trying to compare the two. I was just using that to show how close we were.

I'm also aware that some people don't know how to deal with MH problems. We are told that constantly in hospital. They say as it's not physical some people don't understand.
After my car accident I was on bed rest for 6weeks. I broke both my legs and may still have to have more surgery.

It was J that always pushed the sisters narrative. It was very much an even friendship.

When I was going through my crisis I didn't lean on her at all. Just said that things had been a bit much of late. She was also very close to my family member so asked for regular updates on their health.

However, I am aware that it may have been all a bit too much for her. I just don't feel that we can ever pick up our friendship again.
Rightly or wrongly I do feel very let down by her.

Thats why I can't speak to her, I don't want to say something I may later regret. But part of me wants her to know how upset I am.

Just to point out, I didn't start this thread so everyone would agree with poor little old me.
I did want peoples honest opinions and it has given me a lot to think about, so thanks.

I think most people would actually not have a clue what sort of help/support is appropriate for someone who is spending three months in a psychiatric hospital, and it would vary tremendously from person to person anyway. For some people, contact with friends wouldn't necessarily be the right thing for the patient. And I guess how easy/reasonable it was to offer support while you were in psychiatric care would be very dependent on your condition at the time.

Regarding your accident, she didn't hear from you for three weeks and then when she heard from you, you'd already been discharged from hospital. So she probably thought it was a bit late to start sending cards at that point. She was sympathetic and wished you well for your recovery. Also you have a husband who is there to help you, so I don't really know what extra help you were expecting from her. If I was on my own I might be grateful for a mate coming round to help me out with stuff or keep me company while I was laid up after an accident, but as I live with my DP I imagine my friends would assume he had everything covered.

If you'd said 'I'm a bit miffed that she didn't step up, but I guess not everyone thinks of doing things like that. Hey ho, I suppose our friendship's just a little different these days' that would feel like a proportionate response to this, in my opinion. I think saying it would be 'laughable' to get a birthday card from her and refusing to thank her for it, however, is quite an intense and OTT response to this situation.

I think the DH contact will be influencing things a bit, so she is still hearing about how you're getting on. Is there a chance that her DH has said "is there anything we can do," and he's said "we're fine, I'll let you know" or something that makes them feel you'll reach out when you're ready?

There's two more layers of Chinese whispers from you-DH-her DH-her that you can't make assumptions only on the direct contact with her.

I'd send a text saying how you are going stir crazy and would love to see her, if she is holding back because she is taking her lead from you, then it'll be fine. If she's still not very enthusiastic, then you know.

I wasn't expecting anything whilst I was in the psychiatric hospital. I was in no fit state to see anyone.

Even the offer of help I was ok with. But a visit would have been nice.

I know I'm coming across as this needy depressed friend but that's really not the case.

But again, after your replies I will think things over more rationally. Maybe we have just grown apart?

First you don't know what she is going or went through herself.
Why do you assume her DH would tell yours if she had an awful time?
Maybe he doesn't know, maybe he wouldn't share HER problems, maybe your DH went in length about yours, it didn't seem appropriate to tell their stories.

I would be wary of assuming someone is trouble free because they look fine, or because you haven't been told.

If you enjoy her company, I would give her the benefit of the doubt for all the reason given by posters above. Your DH saying "we're fine thanks", not knowing how to help, maybe not wanting to intrude but ready to visit if you invited...

Nothing is simple or black and white. It hurts when someone you thought as close family is only a good friend, it's completely understandable, but don't you want to at least keep the good friend?

Seconding this - any bad situation people find uncomfortable.

I lost at least three close friends and became distant from several others after being in an abusive relationship for several years.

I learnt that to keep 'friends' I had to only see them on days I could pretend to be happy and never speak about it.