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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this friendship is finished?

111 replies

DaisyDuke111 · 12/09/2023 23:22

DH and I have very long standing friends. Over 20years of friendship.

Our children went to same primary school and we did lots of things together when they were young holidays, days out, camping etc.

We have all been through tough times over the years but class each other as extended family. The lady, let's call her J doesn't have siblings and would call me her sister.

As the DC got older we didn't meet up as much but always got together for special occasions and spoke regularly on the phone, especially if either one of us had a problem. She was my go to for advice and me her.

Last year I was having a particularly bad time. One of my family members was very ill and we came close to losing them a few times. Thankfully they improved, when they did I can only describe what I had as a nervous breakdown resulting in a long hospital stay.

J did text me and sent love and seemed really happy when I was discharged. I was always careful when we spoke so it wasn't all about me, enquiring on her and her family etc.

However, contact between us became bare minimum. A week after my discharge I had a car accident which resulted in having major surgery. When I was discharged from hospital after 3 weeks I text her why I hadn't been in contact and she messaged back to say how awful and hope you recover etc.

I never got a card, visit, or any offer of help.
All the time I was in hospital J never reached out to my DH or any of my DC.

Today was our wedding anniversary and she sent a card. My DH said how lovely but I can't help feeling really upset in her lack of concern or support. If it had happened to her I would have wanted to visit and help out.

Im so upset about this and due to my mental health problems I can't stop thinking about it. My family just say "forget it and she obviously isn't a true friend." But I can't help going over and over it and wondering what I have done wrong?

It's my birthday next month and if she sends a card I don't want to phone and say thank you. I feel that it's pretty laughable to send cards and just ignore someone who has been through so much.

Half of me wants to message her and ask why and what have I done? The other half says ignore and rise above it.

Wwyd and AIBU to feel like this?

Sorry for the length of the post

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDuke111 · 13/09/2023 20:03

Sorry it didn't quote your post @Vijia but that was aimed at you

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDuke111 · 13/09/2023 20:09

I really am a bit shocked at some of these replies.

A visit would have been nice.

As I said before I did not offload on her. I sent her a birthday card and anniversary card last month.

I have also sent a number of messages regarding her daughter taking exams and sympathising what a terrible time it is.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra that has happened to me. Someone I knew very casually has turned into a god send for me and gone above and beyond. So I have made a lovely friend and I don't offload to her either. I leave that for my pyschiatrist.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 13/09/2023 20:13

Honestly, some people are just pretty rubbish at dealing with others tragedies. They don't know what to say, they feel awkward, they back away. It doesn't make them bad people, but it does mean they're not going to be much support when you're having a shit time. You had a prolonged period of suffering and difficulty and maybe she just didn't know what else to say. Maybe she was uncomfortable, some people are.
I've had two really difficult periods in my life. Once when I had a nervous breakdown and once when I had cancer, whilst my children were toddlers. Some of my friends were useless. I could see and sense their discomfort, they very obviously backed away from me, kept their distance from my suffering. I don't actually believe they're bad friends. I just think they couldn't cope with it. These people are still in my life as my friends but I remember that they're not the ones I can turn to in a crisis.

Original poster
DaisyDuke111 · 13/09/2023 20:13

@fruitstick so sorry for your loss x

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDuke111 · 13/09/2023 20:16

@Createausername1970 I definitely didn't miss any messages. Lost in cyberspace, really?

OP posts:
Banana1979 · 13/09/2023 20:22

Sounds like she found it all too much to deal with remember before it was all about happy friendly stuff. However the shit hit the fan for you in terms of your mental health and physical health and she didn’t know how to deal with it. That’s how it sounds
her reaction isnt that uncommon
it’s also possible, she wanted to give you space to deal with your mental health
If She’s been such a good friend up until now I wouldn’t say that this was coming from a bad place
if you are as close, as you say, you are, then you would have no problem asking her why she didn’t come to see you. you can ask our opinions on here all you like however, no one is gonna know what’s in her head. Talk to her

Original poster
DaisyDuke111 · 13/09/2023 20:23

@SallyWD sorry that you have been through all that.

OP posts:
MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 13/09/2023 20:26

In all those messages about her daughter she never once asked how you were?

MariaLuna · 13/09/2023 20:27

We're all burnt out OP.

Covid changed everything.

Sorry you're hurting.

Stifado · 13/09/2023 20:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/09/2023 20:37

I see people saying she may be having a hard time but over and above that, I think people get into rhythms and if something happens that interrupts this, contact levels can really change.

Bogbrushhair · 13/09/2023 20:38

Highdaysandholidays1 · 12/09/2023 23:39

Not everyone has the time, energy or ability to step up exactly when you need them. This is a harsh truth and often only revealed when you get ill or have a crisis. My approach, having had a lot of disasters over the years, is to have a few friends rather than one or two friends, and so at any one time, there is someone with a bit of spare capacity, but not everyone at the same time. I also had a tough time with my MH at one point and one friend just didn't know what to say at all, and I was too depressed to reach out, it got quite awkward but she told me she didn't want to pester me and since then has been a good friend.

I guess I'm trying to say a lot of people on here will say ditch a friend if they don't respond effusively in your time of crisis, but my own experience is to try to leave room for friends to come in and out of your life- it may be at one time they are super-worried about work, or their own lives, or depressed or in the menopause, and can't be the brilliant friend you want but at another time they can step forward- the same is true for me, sometimes I'm a great friend, sometimes not so much. I have friends I speak to weekly, some once a month, some once a year, it's not all the same.

If they are never there for you, and you don't ever have fun with them, obviously don't continue the friendship, but I might give your friend a chance on this one.

I think this is a helpful way to think about it.

Freddiefox · 13/09/2023 20:41

It was J that always pushed the sisters narrative. It was very much an even friendship.

she’s sounds like a fair weather friend, and you were her sisters so to speak, someone to support her but not her supporting you. You were the support act - you just have to decide if you are ok with that.

itsmylife7 · 13/09/2023 20:43

All those friends who do the " you're like a sister to me " crap soon forget
"the sister " when the shit hits the fan !

A decent "sister" would be there to help and support you.

She doesn't deserve your friendship OP as far as she's concerned you're " no use to her "

I had the same thing with a "sister " friendship of 40 years.
As soon as I needed real support...no where to be seen.

Move on OP don't give her any brain space.
Concentrate on your recovery.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 13/09/2023 21:14

Even sisters do not behave well in all circumstances. The fact you were there for her 10 years ago is a bit irrelevant to how the friendship is now.

I'm middle-aged now, and pretty much all my friends have problems, most of them have experienced the death of a parent, in Covid-19 my relatives were dropping like flies, there isn't one of us with teens that hasn't had difficulties including really serious stuff (overdose, eating disorders) or just school problems, neurodivergence, trans issues, and of course we are now getting serious health problems, including cancer and sadly one has died.

What I'm trying to say is that if you put a lot of weight on one friendship, it invariably struggles, because no-one I know with elderly parents, kids, husband, menopause, work issues, has time to be a fab friend for decades on end. The reason your neighbour was so fab is partly as they are lovely but partly because it's really easy if you live next door to someone to pop over some chocolates or say do you fancy a cuppa? It's proximity friendship and if you moved away, they might visit you once a year and not be there for future crises. Who knows?

It's ok to be disappointed in your friend, and wish she'd done a bit more, although she did actually text, send cards and keep in touch so I don't think she did nothing. I wouldn't ditch the friendship though, but if that feels like the solution, so be it.

BluebellsForest · 14/09/2023 00:32

OP, truly, look at the Relationships board. A lot of the feedback you get on AIBU is slanted towards criticism. It is so often harsh and undermining to anyone showing vulnerability.

Cola2023 · 14/09/2023 08:16

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 13/09/2023 15:04

I would (and did) feel the same as you. Those friends who walked away from me when I needed them most I refused to have in my life when things got better. This who distanced themselves (but didn't walk away completely) I kept that distance, I was politely friendly and saw them at social functions, kept them as acquaintances, but the "friendship" was gone. I don't need friends who won't support me when I need them the most.

All those saying that there may be reasons that they couldn't cope with what was going on in my life, well too fucking bad. It wasn't like I was leaning in them heavily. But an occasional listening ear or joining me for a cuppa to get away from everything really shouldn't have been that much of an ask.

The silver lining for me was finding that some casual friends were actually amazing and I became closer to them as a result.

This has been my experience, also encouraged by therapy.

I stopped being such a people pleaser and stopped listening to their problems too.

I noticed that I had several friends who would talk about themselves and their relationship problems etc. 95% of our time together. I could ask them a lot of questions and they'd ask me none. My designated role was to listen to them, not have my own issues.

So I have superficial friends now (some I've known for 30+ years) where I keep chat very light and see them as people to do activities with. Anything meaningful I save for a therapy appointment every few weeks.

Also, it might be worth joining a support group where people actually understand what you've experienced.

Anewnamea · 14/09/2023 13:00

readbooksdrinktea · 13/09/2023 19:49

Anewnamea

However, what eventually made me stop doing it was her pointless comments about how she would “treat” me if she came into money.

That's some weird version of future faking!

I’d never thought of it like that but yeah I guess it kind of is future faking - I always feel people are insulting my intelligence when they future fake!

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 13:04

Anewnamea · 14/09/2023 13:00

I’d never thought of it like that but yeah I guess it kind of is future faking - I always feel people are insulting my intelligence when they future fake!

Show quote history

I agree with that.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 14/09/2023 13:40

All those saying that there may be reasons that they couldn't cope with what was going on in my life, well too fucking bad.

So your attitude to your friend also having a difficult time is "too fucking bad, all that matters is me me me?"

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 14/09/2023 13:45

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 14/09/2023 13:40

All those saying that there may be reasons that they couldn't cope with what was going on in my life, well too fucking bad.

So your attitude to your friend also having a difficult time is "too fucking bad, all that matters is me me me?"

you just summarised the thread really well, sadly. That would explain why people back away

PeppermintPatty10 · 14/09/2023 13:48

I think this is brilliant advice.

PeppermintPatty10 · 14/09/2023 13:49

Sorry that was meant to be a reply to @Highdaysandholidays1 post above.

frumpalertt · 14/09/2023 13:49

I am just struck by what a difficult time you have had, OP. That is a lot to deal with. And in dark times I think we learn what kinds of friends we have. It sounds like someone you thought of as family has not been treating you in the same way. I understand how upsetting that is, it's an awful revelation at such a hard time. But all you can do going forward is to take your cue from it. Don't ring her and thank her for cards. Don't be in touch until she gets in touch. Calibrate your emotional and practical involvement to be exactly what she does for you. And spend the energy you save finding better friends!

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 14/09/2023 14:49

Calibrate your emotional and practical involvement to be exactly what she does for you. And spend the energy you save finding better friends!
Am confused as to what the friend has done wrong, other than not do exactly what the op wants (without knowing what it is).
I wouldn't be saddened by the loss of a 'friend' who had the attitude of -I don't care what's going on for you and am not interested in even finding out if there is something, you need to focus on me or our friendship is done.-