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Original poster

To think my son and his partner were very rude here?

142 replies

JaneY1970 · 12/09/2023 21:54

I'll start by giving you the background details.
I have 2 sons, the oldest is 26 and the youngest 24.
My oldest son has been in a long distance relationship with a woman from Norway for the past 3 years and will be moving there to live with her at the end of the month. He has aspergers and has been adamant his entire life that he doesn't want children, he had the snip 5 years ago (which he proudly told me about). His partner also feels the same way (and is also 8 years older than him so time would be ticking for her if she did want children) that's how they connected when they met online. I am sad about this but I have to accept it because I love my son. My other son and his partner have my 4 year old grandson who has severe autism and is nonverbal. I invited both of my sons and their partners over for dinner just to spend some time with them before my oldest moves abroad, his partner is also visiting and joined us. A few hours go by and we're just having a nice chat when my grandson starts having a meltdown and screaming. My oldest turned to his partner and loudly said "I'm so glad we'll never have to deal with this shit" and his partner laughed and said "I'd probably shoot myself if I had to deal with that" and they both thought that was hilarious. My other son heard that and stormed off in tears. My oldest son and his partner left shortly after and I've spent the past hour consoling my son with his partner. They really struggle with my grandson and his needs and that comment tipped my son over the edge. I'm disappointed in my other son and his partner but I don't want to sour our relationship just before he moves away. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Dramatic · 12/09/2023 21:56

You don't need to do anything, your oldest son needs to try and rectify this with his brother although I think it's going to be extremely difficult. What an awful thing to say.

zurala · 12/09/2023 21:58

Yes, incredibly rude. I'm autistic and I know not to say stuff like that BUT does your son? His partner is likely ND as well, so does she? Some ND people would see it as just telling the truth and wouldn't understand why it's rude. I've taught my ND children that some things you just don't say, no matter whether they are true, but mastering the subtle NT "art" of basically lying to be socially acceptable is not easy and lots of ND people struggle with it.

Ponoka7 · 12/09/2023 22:02

I don't think that they meant they were glad because of the autism, just a screaming child. Your youngest has obviously took "that" to mean a disabled child. It was a bad joke between them. I'd say to the eldest how the youngest has took it and then leave it to them. I don't think that it's a reason to be disappointed.

RunningUpThatBuilding · 12/09/2023 22:04

Well those two seem well matched - rude, socially incompetent and lacking in any type of compassion or ability to think before they speak.

I think you should speak to your eldest son and make him aware of the consequences of his thoughtlessness. Encourage him to see life from his brothers point of view. Explain that such behaviour can put serious stress on family relationships and, moving forwards, you do not wish that to happen.

continentallentil · 12/09/2023 22:08

Yes it’s very rude.

But let it go - it isn’t worth a fall out, when your son is moving away. If your younger son wants to raise it he can. They are adults and you don’t have to mediate.

continentallentil · 12/09/2023 22:10

zurala · 12/09/2023 21:58

Yes, incredibly rude. I'm autistic and I know not to say stuff like that BUT does your son? His partner is likely ND as well, so does she? Some ND people would see it as just telling the truth and wouldn't understand why it's rude. I've taught my ND children that some things you just don't say, no matter whether they are true, but mastering the subtle NT "art" of basically lying to be socially acceptable is not easy and lots of ND people struggle with it.

Not lying has nothing to do with this though.

They were both actively unkind rather than thoughtlessly honest.

SnorkeMor · 12/09/2023 22:13

Well those two seem well matched - rude, socially incompetent and lacking in any type of compassion or ability to think before they speak.

Well he is autistic, and possibly so is she, so socially incompetent and lack of filter kind of goes with the territory.

OP I’m really sorry this has happened. I can see my autistic son doing something similar.

StorminanDcup · 12/09/2023 22:13

Nah I’d be calling that out.

Absolutely your son is old enough to tell his brother how upset he was by the comments but that doesn’t mean that you also can’t say anything.

You don’t have to go in guns blazing and cause a big fall out but I wouldn’t just be ignoring such horrible behaviour. Moving or no moving. He needs to understand how unnecessary and hurtful their behaviour was.

DixonD · 12/09/2023 22:15

Your poor son. What a dreadful thing to say.

BellaAndDave · 12/09/2023 22:23

My oldest turned to his partner and loudly said "I'm so glad we'll never have to deal with this shit" and his partner laughed and said "I'd probably shoot myself if I had to deal with that" and they both thought that was hilarious.

I’d have called that behaviour out there and then, no way would I have allowed any comments like that to be made about my DGC. I wonder what would happen if they made these comments about unrelated child in a different setting?

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2023 22:26

That was rude. I'd be pretty hurt by that too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 22:27

It wasn’t purely factual. It was cruel and deliberate and they were literally laughing at a very distressed disabled young child and his parents who were having a rough enough time already.

OP, did you say anything at the time? It’s not for you to fix but if your younger son is done with his brother for a while you need to support him.

Quitelikeit · 12/09/2023 22:27

I’d absolutely be calling this type of remark out - it was downright rude, insensitive and low.

Aspergers or not - is no excuse for such behaviour!

And others saying let them deal with it well if it happened in my house with my kids I’d also be having my say on the matter! I mean you don’t stop being a mother do you?

Takacupokindnessyet · 12/09/2023 22:30

It depends if this is typical of your son, but you probably know him best so if you think he should have known better, then yes it was rude.

PimpMyFridge · 12/09/2023 22:33

I would be telling older son that his comment was incredibly hurtful and cruel and suggesting he thinks about how what he said was hugely insensitive to his brother and he should think about whether an apology is due.

I wouldn't blast him, but I would be clear and make sure that he knew just because something is true you don't have to state it, and certainly not when the very person who is having to deal with it (and has a lifetime ahead of doing just that and ask the worries that entails) is listening.

If he let that spoil our relationship then I'd take it because I wouldn't be letting that slide by - so cruel and shocking.

TeenLifeMum · 12/09/2023 22:35

Let them move to Norway and focus your attention on supporting ds and his wife and your grandchild.

ThereIbledit · 12/09/2023 22:35

I think either you or your son need to say something to him. I'd be led by what your son wants. He needs to know that his and his partner's comments were extremely hurtful.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/09/2023 22:36

Sounds like the pair of insensitive shits were made for each other.

Amwondering69 · 12/09/2023 22:37

Quitelikeit · 12/09/2023 22:27

I’d absolutely be calling this type of remark out - it was downright rude, insensitive and low.

Aspergers or not - is no excuse for such behaviour!

And others saying let them deal with it well if it happened in my house with my kids I’d also be having my say on the matter! I mean you don’t stop being a mother do you?

This 100% !

Ihaveaskedyouthrice · 12/09/2023 22:41

Wow!! I have an autistic, non verbal son and I would find it devastating if one of my siblings spoke about us that way.

Katbum · 12/09/2023 22:42

Don’t make this your problem. Support hurt som. Tell autistic son he was out of line. Move on.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 12/09/2023 22:42

What is it with ‘some’ child free people, they have so much vitriol towards parents and children. Quite often they can’t just get on with not having kids, they have to be utterly smug about it Confused

I don’t go around smugly congratulating myself about having a child to my child free friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

billy1966 · 12/09/2023 22:46

Absolutely dreadfully rude and unkind.

I think you should have said something there and then.

He needs to be told very firmly how rude and unkind we.

If he wants to fall out with you over HIS rudeness, then so be it.

momonpurpose · 12/09/2023 22:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 22:27

It wasn’t purely factual. It was cruel and deliberate and they were literally laughing at a very distressed disabled young child and his parents who were having a rough enough time already.

OP, did you say anything at the time? It’s not for you to fix but if your younger son is done with his brother for a while you need to support him.

I feel so sorry for your son because it's bad enough dealing with comments like that from strangers you certainly don't expect it at a family meal.

HateMyselfToo · 12/09/2023 22:48

Your 24yr old burst into tears over something his brother said? Presumably he has known his entire life his brother has Aspergers. Surprised he didn't say something there and then about that being socially unacceptable.