To think my son and his partner were very rude here?

[JaneY1970]

I'll start by giving you the background details.
I have 2 sons, the oldest is 26 and the youngest 24.
My oldest son has been in a long distance relationship with a woman from Norway for the past 3 years and will be moving there to live with her at the end of the month. He has aspergers and has been adamant his entire life that he doesn't want children, he had the snip 5 years ago (which he proudly told me about). His partner also feels the same way (and is also 8 years older than him so time would be ticking for her if she did want children) that's how they connected when they met online. I am sad about this but I have to accept it because I love my son. My other son and his partner have my 4 year old grandson who has severe autism and is nonverbal. I invited both of my sons and their partners over for dinner just to spend some time with them before my oldest moves abroad, his partner is also visiting and joined us. A few hours go by and we're just having a nice chat when my grandson starts having a meltdown and screaming. My oldest turned to his partner and loudly said "I'm so glad we'll never have to deal with this shit" and his partner laughed and said "I'd probably shoot myself if I had to deal with that" and they both thought that was hilarious. My other son heard that and stormed off in tears. My oldest son and his partner left shortly after and I've spent the past hour consoling my son with his partner. They really struggle with my grandson and his needs and that comment tipped my son over the edge. I'm disappointed in my other son and his partner but I don't want to sour our relationship just before he moves away. I don't know what to do.

Yes, and? There’s also sterilisation, and if that’s the preferred contraceptive method of an individual then they should be able to access it as an adult.

Thankfully there are doctors that will provide it.

Well women have more options , condoms, other forms of contraception in addition and as an extra measure make them pull out before

Obviously men only have condoms and pulling out before incase the condom splits

I don't think anyone who had sterilisation would get a reversal or ivf on the NHS anyway

In that they’re surgeries an individual is able to electively undergo? Sure.

There will always be Dr's who provide anything if you pay privately

Is that opposed to the NHS, that are struggling to provide anything? Thank fuck for the private sector, clearly.

No it really isn’t. It’s not remotely similar.

What do you say to someone with a genetic condition who doesn’t want to pass it on to their children? “Sorry, but you don’t know you don’t want to pass on huntingtons to your children, so let’s wait until you’re in your 30’s and see if you feel differently then”?

Even if you look at the more simplistic approach of someone who is just adamant that they don’t want children, it’s bloody insulting to suggest that someone not wanting children is somehow wrong and that someone else knows best. Because that’s what you’re doing when you compare not wanting children to wanting surgery because you’ve come out as trans.

I think a 16 year old wanting a baby is bloody stupid and doesn’t have a clue what she’s letting herself in for. But we don’t tell 16 year olds that they can’t have children and if they fall pregnant the baby will be taken and given up for adoption, in fact they tried that in the 60’s and 70’s and institutions are still apologising for it.

Erm , the same thing . No one is being forced to become pregnant or have a child Huntington or not

No one is suggesting not wanting children is wrong, plenty of people don't and take responsibility themselves not to have them

And the way people can prevent those pregnancies is by being sterilised.

To suggest that someone who has a high chance of passing a degenerative illness to their children shouldn’t be allowed to choose to be sterilised in order to definitively prevent that from happen is despicable.

You think that people should rather have a termination in the event they become accidentally pregnant, or perhaps that they have the baby and, depending on the condition, become full time carers to a severely disabled child, or have a child who they know may gradually deteriorate as they grow up.

If it was as simple as “if you don’t want to get pregnant then don’t” then we wouldn’t have unplanned pregnancies. And while I agree that most unplanned pregnancies are down to wrong use of contraception, many most definitely are not.

Nobody is asking you to be sterilised. So why do you have such an issue with people wanting that for themselves?

I have an ASD son yet 100% couldn't cope with my sisters son who hasn't got ASD. Mine never did major meltdowns. My sister joked how I'd never cope with her son, I agreed and we laughed then drank wine. I suppose it's all how it was said. Older brother was too honest and should have used better words.

That's fair enough but I don't get why people say 'I couldn't cope' well you'd have no choice. What happens when these people find themselves carers due to unforeseen circumstances. They can't just decide not to cope

But there is a choice, even in unforeseen circumstances. Disabled children are relinquished, as are disabled adults. It not being a ‘nice’ option that some don’t like to consider, doesn’t mean that it isn’t an option.

There’s always the option to walk away. That’s why I have utmost respect and admiration for the parents of children with disabilities who care for them. In the shoes of some of them I’d have run away as fast as my cowardly little legs would take me.

I think you need to have a word with your son and explain that what he did was unacceptable and he needs to apologise. My son is ND and so is my friend, but I wouldn't except rudeness from either. ND is not an excuse

I agree with this one. Barely even rude in fact.

If someone has a well paid, rewarding but demanding job and took a tough call at a family meal, they would be expected to laugh along with a comment like that about their job.

Your younger DS sounds over tired and your elder DS didn’t appreciate that. Tell him how his younger DB was upset and let him make up. Also point out to younger DS that elder DS didn’t appreciate how exhausting and depressing it is to cope with that permanently.

Maybe it was the noise? My ASD son hated it when his nieces were little because they made so much noise. He would shut himself in his room and get very distressed about it, sometimes texting me to ask when they were going. He also says he never wants children but I have taught him over the years that there are things you avoid saying that might hurt people’s feelings. Having said that, if he was sitting with all of us and the kids were having a meltdown he might not say anything but he would definitely pull a face and leave the room.

Your son might, but myself and my son (both ASD - Aspergers isn’t used any more due to the do the doctor it was named after was found to have had Nazi connections) are actually over empathetic.

That was rude of them