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Original poster

To think my son and his partner were very rude here?

142 replies

JaneY1970 · 12/09/2023 21:54

I'll start by giving you the background details.
I have 2 sons, the oldest is 26 and the youngest 24.
My oldest son has been in a long distance relationship with a woman from Norway for the past 3 years and will be moving there to live with her at the end of the month. He has aspergers and has been adamant his entire life that he doesn't want children, he had the snip 5 years ago (which he proudly told me about). His partner also feels the same way (and is also 8 years older than him so time would be ticking for her if she did want children) that's how they connected when they met online. I am sad about this but I have to accept it because I love my son. My other son and his partner have my 4 year old grandson who has severe autism and is nonverbal. I invited both of my sons and their partners over for dinner just to spend some time with them before my oldest moves abroad, his partner is also visiting and joined us. A few hours go by and we're just having a nice chat when my grandson starts having a meltdown and screaming. My oldest turned to his partner and loudly said "I'm so glad we'll never have to deal with this shit" and his partner laughed and said "I'd probably shoot myself if I had to deal with that" and they both thought that was hilarious. My other son heard that and stormed off in tears. My oldest son and his partner left shortly after and I've spent the past hour consoling my son with his partner. They really struggle with my grandson and his needs and that comment tipped my son over the edge. I'm disappointed in my other son and his partner but I don't want to sour our relationship just before he moves away. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
LordSalem · 13/09/2023 00:18

@Clamppppp would be interesting to hear if OP's son went private. My friend suffers so badly that she is struggling to cope on a single persons benefit claim. No way could she afford to go private.

JMSA · 13/09/2023 00:28

Your poor younger son Sad

saraclara · 13/09/2023 01:12

What was your older son and his partner's reaction when the younger one cried @JaneY1970 ?

Waffle78 · 13/09/2023 01:33

Exactly this ^^

BackToOklahoma · 13/09/2023 01:48

First post or name changer. 🤔

Aren't those autistic people awful. And I can’t be being nasty/goady about autistic people because I’m defending my grandson who is also autistic.

Yeah right. Same shit, different way of doing the goady shite about ND.

MCOut · 13/09/2023 01:56

You definitely need to have the conversation with him OP. I imagine your disappointed because you know your eldest son and you know that at best it was thoughtless.

My nephew is non verbal and it does take its toll sometimes on my sister. If someone said this to her she’d cry too. Even if he didn’t mean to be rude why it was unacceptable should be explained.

CheekyHobson · 13/09/2023 02:03

“Jason, perhaps you and Melissa didn’t realise this but your remarks last night were terribly insensitive towards your brother. Nobody becomes a parent expecting to have a child with extreme special needs and your brother and his partner have had to grieve the loss of the typical experience of parenting while caring for little Jack, who they love dearly, as best they know how.

Even parenting neurotypical children takes support from family and friends, so to hear his child’s own uncle laughing at his struggles instead of offering a little backup during a tough episode must have been deeply painful.

You’re an adult so it’s up to you how you want your relationship with your brother to be, and I won’t interfere any further than this, but I think you owe him an apology at the very least.”

Riverlee · 13/09/2023 03:11

PorridgeOnToast · 12/09/2023 23:26

Your son had a vasectomy at 21??? What doctor would perform such a life changing op on such a young person 😲 shocking

Must admit, that was my first thought. Highly unusual for a vasectomy to be done at that age.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/09/2023 03:19

"That is one of those things you may think, but you don't say out loud, I think you should apologise for your lack of tact there!"

And then move on, because really, it's between brothers to sort out, not you. You've made your feelings clear, move on.

Dibbydoos · 13/09/2023 05:04

On a completely different tack....

How can you help your GS reduce the amount of stimulation he gets which then results in meltdowns?

Can you research that?

I bought my DD some earphones - she is verbal but struggles with anxiety.

Forget your older son and his GD comments, they just saw the episode as reaffirming why they didn't want children. Focus on your GC.

Vegetus · 13/09/2023 05:05

It wasn't a comment about your grandsons autism. I have kids and when I'm around my friends with younger kids I'll say thing like this...

"Thank fuck I haven't got to deal with that anymore"

None of them have yet burst into tears.

stayathomer · 13/09/2023 05:30

I’ve had loads of child free friends say similar stuff, just in a more diplomatic way- stuff like ‘I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t handle that full time’ on nights they know I’ve been woken, or after mad days at the park. It’s similar but just really undiplomatic and stupid and of course a hundred times worse because of the child’s issues and how difficult things are for them. But we all come out with the wrong things at the wrong time, especially at the dinner table with family and that’s before you acknowledge your son has Asperger’s as does my brother who would totally say something similar if he got the chance! Just leave them to it and don’t let it become too much of a drama

CheekyHobson · 13/09/2023 05:42

Vegetus · 13/09/2023 05:05

It wasn't a comment about your grandsons autism. I have kids and when I'm around my friends with younger kids I'll say thing like this...

"Thank fuck I haven't got to deal with that anymore"

None of them have yet burst into tears.

The comment was almost certainly in reference to the autism in this case, which is why it landed so much more heavily on the brother than your own (still somewhat rude) comments land on your fellow-parent friends.

Your friends know, at least, that you’ve been through the mill they’re going through and have done your time. You are a veteran expressing relief that your tour of duty is over.

The older brother has no common ground with the younger one, so his comment comes across as both smug and judgemental, as well as totally lacking in empathy.

PimpMyFridge · 13/09/2023 05:48

@CheekyHobson 👌

user1492757084 · 13/09/2023 05:52

It was very mean.
They were reflecting upon their own capacities though.
They were being honest and knew they could never be good parents.

Your younger son has it tough but it is not up to you to fix the relationship between him and his brother.
You could express to your oldest son that he was most insensitive and it was disappointing to see how sad his brother was.
It is up to your sons to work out their relationship.
You can only be your helpful self with grandchild.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 13/09/2023 05:53

PorridgeOnToast · 12/09/2023 23:26

Your son had a vasectomy at 21??? What doctor would perform such a life changing op on such a young person 😲 shocking

My thoughts exactly, but I didn't want to be accused of not sticking to the point of the thread - but now that I can share that honour with you @PorridgeOnToast I am feeling a little braver 😂

Actually, OP saying that did make me wonder about the authenticity of the whole thread, as I find it very hard to believe that an NHS Dr (or even a private one) would allow a 21 year old to have such a drastic - although simple - operation.
But then why would the OP make something like that up, there again maybe she didn't, but maybe her son did?

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 13/09/2023 05:57

Riverlee · 13/09/2023 03:11

Must admit, that was my first thought. Highly unusual for a vasectomy to be done at that age.

Show quote history

IME disability makes a lot of difference to what will and won’t be permitted.

Many doctors will gladly support a disabled person’s wish to not have children. It depends on how you frame it, but I know more than one person who has a disability who has been able to be sterilised young.

If he has AS and his nephew has severe autism and is non verbal, he could very easily have said that he is afraid of a genetic link and not wanting to risk having a child with autism, and that may in fact be true.

We don’t know that’s why he had a vasectomy, but I can guarantee that it would have been a reason why it would be agreed at such a young age.

I know at least tow people who have been sterilised in their early twenties because of genetic conditions in their family they never wanted to risk passing to any children. And there was never ay issue with getting medical professionals to agree to it.

KimberleyClark · 13/09/2023 06:14

Edited to delete comment.

Twiglets1 · 13/09/2023 06:24

I would talk to the son who made the comment and explain to him if he can't see it, why the comment was rude and how much it has upset his brother.

He ought to apologise to his brother before moving to Norway. And learn from the fallout why it isn't a good idea to be so "honest" about other people's children.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 13/09/2023 06:31

I agree that in certain circumstances @BeenThereDoneThat101 it probably is the right decision for medics to agree to perform such an operation at a very young age.

I believe that in some cases young adults who have Downs Syndrome have been sterilised against their wishes if they are having sex with someone of the opposite sex - but that sounds rather worrying to me, even though I can understand the very serious implications on both sides of the argument, but that would need it's own thread, I don't want to hijack this one any more than I have already done.

However, returning to this thread, the OP's DGS was born 4 years ago, and her eldest DS apparently had his operation 5 years ago, so he couldn't have used his nephew's apparently more severe Autism as a reason why he wanted to be sterilised at such a young age. Maybe the medic he saw did think that the OP's eldest son's Autism also warranted him having that operation, but I hope he was at least asked to attend a genetic counselling session before making that decision.

I do wonder if he had been female, and therefore needing a much riskier operation, with very little chance of reversal (I know the male snip is supposed to be considered irreversible also) if a medic would have still agreed to perform the operation at such a young age?

Sherlockspearls · 13/09/2023 06:35

@TarquinOliverNimrod the OP is asking for advice regarding the situation between her sons. There's is absolutely no point or need to try and turn the thread into a child free v parent thread as that is not what OP has posted about.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2023 06:36

It probably is worth a chat with your older son to say his comment was unkind - some things you save until the journey home with your partner to say - I know he may find it hard to realise that but it’s fairly basic to not try to upset someone else - then leave it; they’re moving anyway and not likely to see much of each other

Soontobe60 · 13/09/2023 06:42

Another way of looking at this is that it’s two brothers sniping. The elder brother made a sarky comment about being glad he didn’t have children, not that he’s glad he didn’t have a disabled child.

autienotnaughty · 13/09/2023 06:44

It's none of your business. Absolutely console your son but leave them to manage their relationship. You say elder has Asperger's, is he typically a black and white thinker? It's a common trait to speak literally,although his partner didn't help. All they did tho was acknowledge the reality, that your grandchild is challenging which I imagine he is. And they are right, they wouldn't cope in that situation which is probably in part what informs their choice to not have children.

Pancakeorcrepe · 13/09/2023 06:45

Can you take the comment at face value? It’s not a personal insult. Your older son is relieved he doesn’t have to care for a young child, and same for his girlfriend. It might not even be related to the disability, all young children are hard work. They just seem to feel quite strongly about it which is absolutely fine.
Both your sons are young and having grown up together I would imagine this type of direct comments are normal enough for siblings. Don’t make it into a bigger thing that it is. Just focus on supporting your younger son and grandchild.