To think my son and his partner were very rude here?

[JaneY1970]

I'll start by giving you the background details.
I have 2 sons, the oldest is 26 and the youngest 24.
My oldest son has been in a long distance relationship with a woman from Norway for the past 3 years and will be moving there to live with her at the end of the month. He has aspergers and has been adamant his entire life that he doesn't want children, he had the snip 5 years ago (which he proudly told me about). His partner also feels the same way (and is also 8 years older than him so time would be ticking for her if she did want children) that's how they connected when they met online. I am sad about this but I have to accept it because I love my son. My other son and his partner have my 4 year old grandson who has severe autism and is nonverbal. I invited both of my sons and their partners over for dinner just to spend some time with them before my oldest moves abroad, his partner is also visiting and joined us. A few hours go by and we're just having a nice chat when my grandson starts having a meltdown and screaming. My oldest turned to his partner and loudly said "I'm so glad we'll never have to deal with this shit" and his partner laughed and said "I'd probably shoot myself if I had to deal with that" and they both thought that was hilarious. My other son heard that and stormed off in tears. My oldest son and his partner left shortly after and I've spent the past hour consoling my son with his partner. They really struggle with my grandson and his needs and that comment tipped my son over the edge. I'm disappointed in my other son and his partner but I don't want to sour our relationship just before he moves away. I don't know what to do.

I would also call them out on it.
If he's able enough to be moving to Norway then he is able enough to be polite.
I have a 26 yr son with Autism. No where near able enough to ever leave home but he would never be so appallingly unkind and rude. Sometimes he has to be helped to say the 'right' thing in social situations but he understands that being unkind or saying mean things is wrong and is never unkind.
Ditto the girlfriend.. she may well be similar herself but it's still totally out of order.

Support your other son!

It an awful thing to hear for your younger son and if it came as a surprise or a shock to you and his brother then it implies that he is, or at least has been in the past, more capable of filtering comments so not to purposely offend others.
If on the other hand it seems like something he would say, then he possibly isn't as capable of filtering, but nonetheless it's a really hurtful comment and even though he's an adult I'd still pull him up on it. Learning is lifelong and this is often more so when SEN is involved.

That's awful and should have been called out. So rude.

Let them move. I'm actually appalled. If that was my brother, there would be very low contact from now on.

They behaved like arseholes. They were extremely cruel and should be told so.

Sorry OP, you obviously love them all but you've got to stick up for your younger son and you should have done it there and then, regardless of spoiling things before older son moves away.
Your younger son, assuming he's NT, has probably had to put up with all sorts growing up and now has had this massive smack in the face. Disgraceful.
Maybe it's a good thing that the older son doesn't want children but I'm appalled at his lack of awareness, of his own condition.

@OP Didn't you say anything at the time? I'm baffled why you would have let that slide and just kept quiet at such a nasty and thoughtless comment thrown at your vulnerable grandson and his family. All this walking on eggs shells because you don't want to fall out with DS1 is nonsense. You should have spoken up.

Your son had a vasectomy at 21??? What doctor would perform such a life changing op on such a young person 😲 shocking

I'm primed to be understanding of neurodiversity, as my entire career has been working with autistic children. But there's bluntness and truth telling and there's pure spitefulness, and I've never come across an autistic person who would be so cruel, let alone two.

I also understand the huge emotional pressure that parents of severely affected autistic children are under, and my heart breaks for your younger son.
Please, please don't make excuses for your older son, to the younger. The latter needs your full empathy and sympathy, with no hint of 'he couldn't help it'.

I'm disappointed in my other son and his partner but I don't want to sour our relationship just before he moves away.

I'm sorry, but they don't get a pass because they're moving away. You need to make it very clear that their behaviour was completely unacceptable and that it must neer happen again. Not that I think younger son will ever want to see his brother again, so...

Absolutely because if I were your younger son I would be so hurt you didn't sY something then. I feel so sad for him

I was wondering exactly the same thing.

It's safe to say the relationship between your sons is pretty much over.

Your eldest son and his girlfriend were absolute pricks and it's ridiculous that you didn't give them a bollocking. What a couple of twats.

I'm not convinced

Then report it

I disagree, it’s was a very horrible joke and then laughing. I could understand a stranger who doesn’t know the kid’s situation but to his own nephew…

You and your younger DS should absolutely have said something at the time.

But as PPs have said - your older DS (and his presumably also ND partner) may not have realised how offensive they were being. You could certainly let him know now, and suggest he apologise - you are still his Mum.

You might also say "DGS's behaviour reminded me so much of how you were at that age, it can be very difficult for the parents". Or something? Might help him reflect somewhat?

(Assuming your older DS was difficult at that age, obviously. My DS has aspergers and although verbal, was extremely challenging when younger. He's now mid teens and a delight - so I am making assumptions. Hope your DGS will get easier too 🙏).

You don't want to sour the relationship, so don't.

They're adults, it's between them. Don't baby them by trying to sort it out for them. They can do this for themselves, or not.

You need to focus on staying close to both.

Yeah, it's a thing in some childfree forums etc. It's horrid.

They acted like dicks. Completely inappropriate and heartless comments. I would tell them.

No, not an acceptable comment.

But I am amazed at people who are parents of ND adults seeing this as spiteful. It was self-centred and self-absorbed by the couple making the comments, but this sort of insensitivity is typical of autism and should not provoke a moral judgement. And of course not all autistic people would fall into this particular pitfall.

Younger son and partner have obviously discussed the children issue a LOT, and this triggered them into - well, it was almost sharing a joke. And they were insensitive to the feelings of others and how this little celebration of their own decision to remain childless would hurt other people. Insensitivity is not spite.

I think that you should grasp the parental role and explain to younger son and partner how much they have upset older son and partner - and possibly even nephew - by their comment. Say that you do understand they have thought hard about their decision, but this is a situation where they have hurt someone unintentionally, and ask them to discuss the matter with older son and family, and reassure them that it their comments were not meant nastily and that they will try to be a loving uncle and aunt in future.

21 year olds are allowed to make the life changing decision to have children, so why shouldn't they be allowed to make the life changing decision not to? He was an adult.

There's autistic and there's pointing out poor behaviour and why it's not acceptable. Especially when it's to the detriment of someone else. One son might not be aware of social cues, maybe his partner isn't either, but when it's openly stated and hurtful to someone else, especially family members then it must be pointed out very clearly to both of them. That behaviour is unacceptable and an apology is owed. No one should be stating something so horrible thinking they're being funny. They might not understand and that is exactly why it needs to be made clear. Once it is very clearly addressed then they need to take it on board and act accordingly to address the issue.
There's no get out of jail free card. If they can't work through some understanding here then it should be as clear cut to them as their comments were to family members that they will be cut out from future closeness, as a direct result of their behaviour.

@Clamppppp My best friend is female and autistic. She made the decision that she never wants to have children at the age of 21 and has been refused sterilisation at every turn since. She is now in her 30s and no doctor will agree because they state that's she's too young to decide yet. So it's okay for a man but not a woman?

Where have I said that? It's fine for either sex. You just need to find the right doctor or go private, there are resources online to find a doctor if you can't go private.

You might not but a lot of parents do as well as expecting special considerations. So let's not make this thread a bunfight between parents and child free people, ok? The OP needs support on her issue.

What an upsetting comment.

Do you think your son was aware of how much he upset his brother?

In your shoes I would probably raise it with him. Not to “tell him off” or argue with him, but just to make him aware that his comment hurt his brother. Maybe to talk through why that comment might be hurtful if he doesn’t understand that.

Yes very rude. Probably something in fairness that I and my DH would say, but when we got home out of earshot!