MIL wants to text 24/7

[jasminesmummyttc]

My MIL and I have a very civil relationship, we invite her to our house at least once or twice month and if she's in the area more often she can always pop in, we've never said no (whether my husband is home or at work). And when they do visit we’re absolutely fine, no conflict, have polite conversation. I'm a SAHM. She’s (seemingly) happily married and seems to have a lot of friends near where she lives (about 1hr from us)

She has recently decided she wants to text me 20-25 times per day (no exaggeration) with things like 'are you enjoying the sunshine' 'do you want to see my new vase' 'i just swam, isn't swimming such a nice sport?' 'what's the baby doing' 'how is your mum' ‘are you having a nice day’ ‘how was the park’ and honestly it's a bit much for me. If I give short responses like 'yes thank you' or 'all good, thank you' or '👍🏼' or if I ignore the messages she doesn't get the message and sends more random questions and chat. If i try to call her and discuss all these pressing questions, then she will act surprised if I round off the call after 15min (nothing is said, just the same small talk) she acts surprised that I gtg and tries to fall back later with something new like ‘oh you’ll never believe what I saw in M&S! Heart shaped cookies so I bought them but they don’t taste as nice as I hoped’ . I told my husband I'm finding it annoying and I don't have time to keep pointless talk going - id rather play with my DD or cook her a meal than be glued to my phone. He subtly told her that I'm not loving the messaging (she would start with a good morning message around 7am and try to keep the conversation going all day) but I'm happy for her to join us for a day some time soon so we'd go out for a walk, playground, have lunch together etc and this apparently made my MIL very upset because she has that kind of relationship with my SIL - her daughter who doesn't have kids and has a relatively chilled job. They message from morning to the night and share every minor detail ('had salad for lunch' 'saw a cute dog'). Now my husband is upset that his mum is upset...

Simplest thing surely is to forward every single message on to your DH and see how he likes it!

Aw bless her! It can be annoying though, just maybe text her back at the end of the day with a long round up message and then say, just sorting the kids then im off for a bath speak tomorrow! X And when you have time call her for a longer chat?

Mute her, ignore the messages. Flick through once a day to see if there's anything important you need to answer. she'll soon stop.

Yep. What you do is send every single message to your DH and ask him to respond.
See how he likes it.

Now my husband is upset that his mum is upset...

Your husband is more than welcome to text her all fucking day to make it up to her then.

@ZekeZeke @Gassylady he understands it's annoying but his view is sort of I should just tolerate because it's his mum and we shouldn't upset her.

He's a bit of a mummy's boy but would never admit it. Mummy is always right and is super important, her being upset is completely unbearable to him

@mycoffeecup she then calls me and asks what's up, are we ok. Calls multiple times. Or acts hurt that im not responding so my husband gets upset that she's upset.

you need to tell her straight then that you only use whatsapp for messages that need to be sent, not for chat, ask her to stop and if she refuses you'll have to block her number. If your DH doesn't have your back on this then you have a bigger problem.........

This is one of those nobody is unreasonable scenarios (apart from your h who is unreasonable)

Yanbu to want to text less because it's intrusive annd time consuming and she inbu to want to treat you like her other DIL and get to know you better by texting.

Your h should field her questions and comments. Let's see how long he lasts listening to chit chat like the heart shaped biscuit issue.

Tell your husband that you absolutely refuse to be their emotional hostage because neither one of them are capable of acting like adults. Your husband sounds more and more unattractive every time you post.

I think follow all the advice on here.

You need to set some boundaries for yourself - how often do you want to text her?

If three times a week then mute her and reply to everything three times a week. You can say 'hi just catching up on WhatsApp's had baby in hands all day! Then reply to (some) of her comments.

I had this convo with my ex about his mother and he assured me 'nothing my mother says is ever urgent' lol. If it is she'll call you or her son.

There is not a chance in hell my sister in law would tolerate texting my mum over ten times a day. She has firm boundaries and would definitely save them up for a few days and probably even say 'dm, I'm not that good at texting can we wait till we see each other to catch on your news it's so much nicer in person'

Could she be told that husband got the wrong end of the stick/communicated badly, you're not finding her annoying, of course not. But you are ending up spending too much time on your phone generally and its annoying you that you aren't getting much done. So the phone will be put away a lot during the day, urgent calls only. Please don't be surprised if jasminesmummy only gets your pics and messages at the end of the day. I imagine she'll send fewer if she isn't getting any feedback at the time of sending.

It's not her DIL, it's her daughter. So my SIL, my husband's sister.

And in fairness I do text MY close people like my best friend and my mum with smaller updates like 'urgh having a difficult day' or 'bought a new top, here's a pic' (still not 20+ messages per day) but it's a different relationship and I don't owe MIL to fake the closeness that I have with others

She's upset that you aren't happy about all the texts she sends every day because her own DD tolerates/doesn't mind it.

Surely then it should be her son she texts all day then as he is her child, or is it because you're a woman so must like idle chatter?

Tell your DH he can text mummy all day as it isn't you job to placate her.

I would say she's clearly trying to build a loving relationship with you, so don't knock her for that. At least she's trying (very trying 😜)

I'd maybe respond to the first message of the day along the lines that you hope she has a lovely day and yours is going to be busy. Then put her on mute, or ignore for the rest of the day. A few seconds out of your day to do a final message to say it's lovely she's shared her day with you and you are now switching off for the evening, would cost nothing but will hopefully keep those lines open without anyone feeling upset.

Either way, her son is not in control of his mother nor is he responsible for her. It's not fair on him to make him piggy in the middle as he loves you both.

Can you maybe rewind with your MiL and apologise for upsetting her as you appreciate she's only coming from a place of kindness, but you need her to understand you were finding it all a bit overwhelming?

Do you know why she has recently decided to do this? How long have you been married? This would drive me insane, even if it were my own mum!

So you just say yeah, I'm fine, just busy, did you need something because I am just in the middle of ....

Would a group chat work better?
I feel there is less pressure to respond at all/right away in a group chat. It's just an ongoing conversation and your OH and SIL can take the lions share.

@Mumof2teens79 literally tried this, she says "ok when shall I call?"

We have a group chat, where I already share updates like 'she's got a new tooth' 'she learnt to say "duck" ' and send cute pictures most days. This small talk is in addition

Tell her and DH that she should text him instead.

If it's a recent development maybe it's the first sign of cognitive issues. How old is she?

OOh, I feel your pain. But I also think you're being a smidgeon harsh. In my opinion, the invention of the emoticon to tag a message is GENIUS for these situations. She texts a picture of her new trousers - heart emoticon. No chat. Asks if you're having a good day - thumbs up emoticon.

I think it's also totally fine to not respond to all the messages. It sounds like she does rather expect you to, but ignoring them for a few hours then sending a few quick words back is fine - "haha, hate it when M&S gets the biscuits wrong. Been at playgroup this morning. Looking forward to seeing you on the weekend". so bright, breezy but not as high level.

If you're lucky, she'll get the hint and back off slightly.

If not, she'll go crying to your Dh about how mean you are and then you'll have to get tougher.

Try saying "I'm not sure, what's it about?"

I mean to be honest, who cares if she's upset? You have tried to be gentle/subtle and she clearly got OH point because she got upset....so she's upset but she'll get over it, and if she hasn't taken it on board then she's probably goibg to be upset when you tell her again.

I feel your pain, MIL is only this bad in real life but she calls OH every day at work....I have no idea what they talk about or what his colleagues must think.

She's 63.

New in that it's gradually build up but REALLY intensified in the last few months. But she's always had that relationship with SIL and is big on 'girl chats' 'girl time' etc and she thinks she's just meant to talk 24/7?