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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants to text 24/7

147 replies

jasminesmummyttc · 12/09/2023 15:23

My MIL and I have a very civil relationship, we invite her to our house at least once or twice month and if she's in the area more often she can always pop in, we've never said no (whether my husband is home or at work). And when they do visit we’re absolutely fine, no conflict, have polite conversation. I'm a SAHM. She’s (seemingly) happily married and seems to have a lot of friends near where she lives (about 1hr from us)

She has recently decided she wants to text me 20-25 times per day (no exaggeration) with things like 'are you enjoying the sunshine' 'do you want to see my new vase' 'i just swam, isn't swimming such a nice sport?' 'what's the baby doing' 'how is your mum' ‘are you having a nice day’ ‘how was the park’ and honestly it's a bit much for me. If I give short responses like 'yes thank you' or 'all good, thank you' or '👍🏼' or if I ignore the messages she doesn't get the message and sends more random questions and chat. If i try to call her and discuss all these pressing questions, then she will act surprised if I round off the call after 15min (nothing is said, just the same small talk) she acts surprised that I gtg and tries to fall back later with something new like ‘oh you’ll never believe what I saw in M&S! Heart shaped cookies so I bought them but they don’t taste as nice as I hoped’ . I told my husband I'm finding it annoying and I don't have time to keep pointless talk going - id rather play with my DD or cook her a meal than be glued to my phone. He subtly told her that I'm not loving the messaging (she would start with a good morning message around 7am and try to keep the conversation going all day) but I'm happy for her to join us for a day some time soon so we'd go out for a walk, playground, have lunch together etc and this apparently made my MIL very upset because she has that kind of relationship with my SIL - her daughter who doesn't have kids and has a relatively chilled job. They message from morning to the night and share every minor detail ('had salad for lunch' 'saw a cute dog'). Now my husband is upset that his mum is upset...

OP posts:
Inkanta · 12/09/2023 17:40

Yes I thought that 😉

ShyMaryEllen · 12/09/2023 17:40

I feel for both of you. Is she new at being a MIL? I am, and it's not easy to know how to navigate showing an interest without overstepping. My son and DIL live too far away to see them often, and I know that a lot of people hate phone conversations, so I text now and then to keep in touch - once a week or so though, not several times a day. She probably wants to show you that she is interested in you, not just the baby, as MILs are often accused of not doing that. It might just be that she is trying too hard.

OTOH, I would be driven mad by 20 texts a day from anyone. I agree that you could answer them all at the end of the day in a sort of summary. 'Finally got round to answering today's texts! This happened, then we did that. Good to hear about X, and I love your new top. Busy again tomorrow - it never stops with a baby, does it? BFN x'

ZekeZeke · 12/09/2023 17:43

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 15:48

Tell your husband that you absolutely refuse to be their emotional hostage because neither one of them are capable of acting like adults. Your husband sounds more and more unattractive every time you post.

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Exactly this

wordler · 12/09/2023 17:58

I tend to like to keep the peace so would probably try the following:

Assign MIL her own ring and text tone - it instantly means you know whether you need to bother looking when a text comes in.

Mute her during a few set hours - 10am -1pm and 2pm-5pm

Tell her that you are not answering any texts between those times as you are trying to use your phone less during the day. Make it general so it’s not just about her.

(I’m a bit passive aggressive so for DH I’d ask your Mum and Dad to each text him ten times a day for three days - inane non sense with lots of follow up - are you ok you didn’t reply texts and see how he feels after a few days of that. )

Inkpotlover · 12/09/2023 18:07

a) Reroute every single message to your DH and ask him to answer.
b) Tell her a little white lie that flatters her. Say your DM is upset because she thinks you're too busy texting MIL all the time to bother with her and she wants the same close relationship MIL has with her own daughter. So, to keep the peace, you'll just be texting your mum from now on and SIL can text MIL because, you know, MIL isn't actually your mum. If your DH doesn't like it, tough. He can text her himself if he's that upset.

Bemoreatticus · 12/09/2023 18:11

This amount of messaging is extreme. However, it's probably best to try and find a peaceful resolution.

Set up a group chat with you, your mil and dh. Let Mil know to use that from now on so you can all keep up to date. Let him experience the delight of receiving over 20 message a day. Only respond when you want to.

Chamomileteaplease · 12/09/2023 18:57

OK sounds like you need another chat with DH.

It's rubbish that he would cope with your parents texting him 20 times a day and expecting answers. Make him admit it. That is outrageous for him to lie like that.

And yes I would be tempted to get my parents in on it and ask them to do it!

ParentingSolo · 12/09/2023 19:20

LuluBlakey1 · 12/09/2023 16:19

My aunt does this to me. I have just told her nicely, but bluntly, 'There is no point in you ringing/texting all the time. I don't like it and don't do it with anyone. Just give me a ring once a week.'

Now she rings and we speak for about 10 minutes once a week and that's that. She often says 'I was going to ring you/text you yesterday but you don't like all that do you' and I reply breezily 'No, you're right there- hate it, it's pointless. Nothing more irritating.'

If you said that to me like that, I'd not contact you again. Ever. Family or not Hmm

ParentingSolo · 12/09/2023 19:23

The first part about ringing once a week Confused

LuluBlakey1 · 14/09/2023 07:21

ParentingSolo · 12/09/2023 19:20

If you said that to me like that, I'd not contact you again. Ever. Family or not Hmm

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She is incredibly thick-skinned and takes no offence. I just repeat messages to her until she gets them. If I let her get to me she would have me round the twist. Sometimes there is a blance between your sanity and what someone else wants. At that point you have to deal with it or luve with the madness. If she chose to not speak to me and be offended, I'd cope with that.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 14/09/2023 07:30

Gassylady · 12/09/2023 15:25

Simplest thing surely is to forward every single message on to your DH and see how he likes it!

That's a great idea!

anuschka · 14/09/2023 07:39

@Gassylady did this for the whole of yesterday and he just came home, laughed and said she's being friendly, would I really rather a MIL who didn't take an interest? And honestly... I probs would? Not talk unless there's something to talk about

itsgettingweird · 14/09/2023 07:58

Mute the chat!

Then reply one long message when you have time answering or responding. Then don't respond again for hours.

That way you are responding. But she'll get the message eventually you aren't glued to your phone!

But yanbu.

cimena · 14/09/2023 08:27

I have this with various people including my own mum. I actually do do quite a lot of texting but if I texted everyone as much as they text me I’d never get anything done, I’m at text capacity! I ignore messages and don’t apologise - chuck an occasional reply in to whatever their last message was or have a wee text chat when I feel like it and if they ever bring it up I say oh yeah I’m busy a lot and sometimes don’t get a chance to look at my phone sorry!

texts are not conversations is my position. If someone gets upset then I think it’s good to kind of gently throw a light on the idea that expecting someone to be looking at their phone 24/7 is a bit weird - you wouldn’t expect them to be on the phone to you all the time, would you!

also group chats. Group chats are the way.

Snugglemonkey · 14/09/2023 08:33

AnIndianWoman · 12/09/2023 17:28

And then when her sil has kids Op will be coming back demanding to know why her kids are no longer the fav. Some form of communication is essential in building close family relationships with in laws - if Op isn’t prepared for her to call her she needs to accept the texts.

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Some form of communication, yes. Constant wittering is a pain in the ass. I refuse to engagecoutwith the family group chat, that is quite enough!

Takeitonthechin · 14/09/2023 08:34

Gassylady · 12/09/2023 15:25

Simplest thing surely is to forward every single message on to your DH and see how he likes it!

This.... brilliant idea!

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 14/09/2023 08:41

My aunt started doing that but with actual phone calls. Eventually it was used as part of her dementia diagnosis. It might not be the case with your MIL but it is worth keeping in mind and mentioning to your DH.

billy1966 · 14/09/2023 08:42

Your husband sounds selfish.

Happy for you to be upset but not his mother.

In your place I would start spamming HIS phone with every single message she sends and see how he likes it.

His mother has been told, put her on mute.

I couldn't bear anyone texting me like that, not even very close friends and family, its simply too much.

diddl · 14/09/2023 09:32

anuschka · 14/09/2023 07:39

@Gassylady did this for the whole of yesterday and he just came home, laughed and said she's being friendly, would I really rather a MIL who didn't take an interest? And honestly... I probs would? Not talk unless there's something to talk about

Just keep forwarding them then if it's no problem!

If only there was a middle way between 20+ messages & taking no interest!

He's determined that she's not in the wrong isn't he?

readingmakesmehappy · 14/09/2023 09:35

Just mute the messages and only check in every once in a while?

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 14/09/2023 09:42

This is precisely why my ils never had my mobile number... The house phone only ever rang with them on the other end so I let the dc answer! You must be a Saint you have managed so far op.

caringcarer · 14/09/2023 10:29

Mumof2teens79 · 12/09/2023 16:02

Would a group chat work better?
I feel there is less pressure to respond at all/right away in a group chat. It's just an ongoing conversation and your OH and SIL can take the lions share.

Yep, this is the way forward. Suggest SiL, MiL, DH and you are all in group chat. Then DH will see it's very annoying but he can respond to some. You can reply to one message early in morning. Switch notifications off. Then a quick message mid afternoon. Then switch off again.

FlemCandango · 14/09/2023 10:44

Oh I sympathise op! I have been a constant disappointment to my mil as I am so different to her. Not interested in a relationship really outside her v important role as grandmother and mother of my DH. I am not into the things she is, we haven't gone on shopping trips and spa days or whatever. I am cool with that and I think I was oblivious to the fact she had hoped for a closer relationship until years into knowing her (literally decades), when her discomfort with who and how I was came out! 😅

It was an awkward time when I just didn't know how to respond to her. But throughout DH has been clear, she is his mother, his problem. As long as I am friendly, polite and respectful and give her all the access to the kids she wants (which I do). Then he is fully understanding and supportive of me having the level of relationship with her that I am comfortable with

Do not feel it is up to you to placate here. You are not obliged to be friends just friendly and supportive. Your DH should be supporting you 100% yes he may feel caught in the middle but he is not a child. His mum is not going to send him to bed or take his phone away he can talk to her as an adult. Respect and boundaries is the key!

Btw I like my mil fine - she is a good person but I feel no need to be her friend. The mil feels about me is a her problem.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/09/2023 10:48

Can’t you say “I’m not a phone person. I don’t want to be attached to it all the time.”

Ellie1015 · 14/09/2023 10:57

I think you should speak to MIL and explain what you have said here. You appreciate spending time with her and like her very much, but you dont enjoy messaging so regularly because you are busy and trying to play with dd rather than be on phone. You love that she wants to treat you like her dd but different people connect differently. It is in no way an indication you don't like her

Dh was fine to talk to her so agreed at that point but now doesnt agree it is annoying because she is upset?!?! I would be more annoyed about his behaviour.

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