MIL wants to text 24/7

[jasminesmummyttc]

My MIL and I have a very civil relationship, we invite her to our house at least once or twice month and if she's in the area more often she can always pop in, we've never said no (whether my husband is home or at work). And when they do visit we’re absolutely fine, no conflict, have polite conversation. I'm a SAHM. She’s (seemingly) happily married and seems to have a lot of friends near where she lives (about 1hr from us)

She has recently decided she wants to text me 20-25 times per day (no exaggeration) with things like 'are you enjoying the sunshine' 'do you want to see my new vase' 'i just swam, isn't swimming such a nice sport?' 'what's the baby doing' 'how is your mum' ‘are you having a nice day’ ‘how was the park’ and honestly it's a bit much for me. If I give short responses like 'yes thank you' or 'all good, thank you' or '👍🏼' or if I ignore the messages she doesn't get the message and sends more random questions and chat. If i try to call her and discuss all these pressing questions, then she will act surprised if I round off the call after 15min (nothing is said, just the same small talk) she acts surprised that I gtg and tries to fall back later with something new like ‘oh you’ll never believe what I saw in M&S! Heart shaped cookies so I bought them but they don’t taste as nice as I hoped’ . I told my husband I'm finding it annoying and I don't have time to keep pointless talk going - id rather play with my DD or cook her a meal than be glued to my phone. He subtly told her that I'm not loving the messaging (she would start with a good morning message around 7am and try to keep the conversation going all day) but I'm happy for her to join us for a day some time soon so we'd go out for a walk, playground, have lunch together etc and this apparently made my MIL very upset because she has that kind of relationship with my SIL - her daughter who doesn't have kids and has a relatively chilled job. They message from morning to the night and share every minor detail ('had salad for lunch' 'saw a cute dog'). Now my husband is upset that his mum is upset...

and this is why I only get my phone out maybe once or twice a day, do a quick check and reply if its urgent but otherwise it might be a day or two before I reply - my friends and family have got used to me picking up a convo 2 days later lol! My point though is that if you don't constantly look and and feel obligated to reply to the messages, just summarise them maybe once at the end of the day and if she comments do what I do - 'oh gosh, my phones usually buried at the bottom of my bag on silent so it doesn't interrupt (insert more important task her) - if its urgent ring me on the landline!'

@jasminesmummyttc

You could try seeing if you could auto forward her text messages to your husband's phone. I just had a quick google and saw this. ⬇️

Can I auto forward text messages to another phone?

Use an App

The simplest way to forward text messages on Android is to use an app. There are many apps available on Google Play that offer this feature. One of the most popular is SMS Forwarder Pro. This app enables you to forward your text messages to another phone or email address automatically.
18 May 2023

I bet there's something similar for iPhones too.

If you manage to do this it would give your DH a real-time picture of what you're having to deal with. Obviously he'd not mind being bombarded by his mother's many daily messages would he...? 🌹

@jasminesmummyttc tell MIL that you want to use your phone less so your child doesn't grow up seeing you glued to it all day. Modelling good behaviour.

She should understand

I had a friend who are as a bit like that. Lovely lady but struggled with her own MH, and was lonely. She is in a much better place now, as I am, but the way I dealt with the texts was to explain once or twice that I liked hearing from her but couldn't always respond to every text. And I would maybe do just a couple of texts a day. She would often moan a lot, fair enough, about the same things and same people and I would get outraged that people were taking advantage of her and using her all the time . I knew why she did it and knew she didn't value herself enough to stop them but hearing it made me so angry at them and so tired of it all. So when she sends a moan text I might just say something to help remind her she is worth more than that, and then stop texting for a few hours.

Sorry, pressed too soon. I meant to say that the outcome of this was that my friend now texts a lot less and when we do text we tend to be more positive with one another. When she is complaining about those people I tryto send one symathy text to remind her of her worth, then change subject or think of something practical to say that would help her. E.g. "Can you do something nice for yourself today maybe, you need to go for a walk to distract yourself ?".

I know it probably sounds patronising AF, but when I'm going off on one too, due to my own trauma and MH stuff, sometimes it helps to distract myself and then talk to someone professional.

and it's worked . Things are better between us because now we know where the boundaries lie and she knows I get overwhelmed with a lot of texts and I'm a friend not her counsellor.

No matter how lovely or friendly a MIL is, sending someone more than 20 messages a day is unreasonable. Not many people have got time to be replying to that many messages in one day, especially if they have kids!

OP, I've been in this situation. My MIL is a lovely person, but has always had a problem accepting the fact that I don't need constant contact with her. She would message me several times a day (not as often as your MIL, but still a lot) and would often call round. If I was busy working and didn't answer the door or her texts, she would resort to phoning me. The situation caused quite a few disagreements because it got to the point where I desperately needed some space.

I said exactly the same to my DH as you said to yours - what if my parents did that to him? How would he feel if his phone constantly buzzed with messages from my mum? My DH admitted that he wouldn't be happy with it though and has been very understanding about the situation. Your DH needs to show more consideration for your feelings rather than just being upset about his mum!

It's a difficult situation, because we don't want to cause any hurt, but honesty is the best way forward and despite your MIL being upset, it's for the best that she's aware of how you feel. It's unfair of her to expect the same level of contact from you that she has with her DD. Everyone is different and some people don't enjoy receiving constant messages throughout the day!

Have you considered divorce? The incessant nonesense is fair grounds imo.

Forward every. single. message. to your husband.

When he gets exasperated and complains, say see? Now do you understand?

Just don't answer. Grey rock the texts - ignore them.

Every so often, maybe a few times a week give her a ring and a proper conversation and catch up. That's nice. I do this with my mum; your MIL is only 3 years older than me.

It's about keeping family together.

OP has tried forwarding the messages.

20 odd texts a day is ridiculous. Has she recently retired? She sounds lonely and bored, but brutally, that is not your issue. If your Dh is being rubbish about it, forward him every single text and see how he copes. I don’t understand why some mils think they need such a close relationship with their dil, I can’t remember hearing about mils wanting this with their son in law.

I'd answer once at the end of the day, if that 🤷‍♀️

If your husband wants to answer instead then great.

You're looking after your child.

I've read all of the OP's messages and I can't see where she has said that she has forwarded every single message to her husband.
Can you show me where the OP has said that she does forward every message to her husband to deal with?

@jasminesmummyttc - what I would do is the following:
Set up a new WhatsApp group with you (as the administrator of the group), your DH and your MiL.
Leave all of the other WhatsApp groups that you're currently in with your MiL (unless there are other family members in them and they discuss lots of other things in the group or they are on the whole, quiet groups)
Send a message to this new group saying that any texts/messages are to be sent in to this group only.
Mute that group on your phone so you can check it at the end of each day and put emojis on the messages you want to and ignore the others. Your DH can deal with everything throughout the day if he has no issues with the volumes of messages she is sending.

Don't mention that this is what you're going to do but you should get your day time back if you try it.

That would drive me nuts. That amount of messaging is purely husband territory for me, and then only on days were both pretty quiet or planning something. Let herbe upset.

I had a family member do something similar just before they were diagnosed with dementia.

This. It isn’t your job to entertain his mum.
Funny how so many of these mummy’s boys leave the emotional care of their demanding mums to their wives.

I think you should forward every message to your DH in real time until he gets it.

You should text your husband about things that has happen in you day even if they are pointless all day for a few day and see how he likes it .

Create a WhatsApp group with yourself your MIL and your husband so that he can deal with the messages too!

Did you nip this sh!t in the bum?

You should forward the messages so he really sees how intrusive it is constantly throughout the day. Never mind him being upset about his mum, I’D be upset he wasn’t upset about his wife’s feelings too. You are not the unreasonable one here, I appreciate she’s being friendly but anyone can see 20+ messages throughout the day is a LOT for someone you’re aren’t close with. It’s not the same as texting a close friend or relative where conversation flows naturally and easily and is entertaining, this is more a chore, it’s irritating and it’s not even helping you feel close, quite the opposite.

Maybe remind him you’re not sat on your arse you’re actually looking after a baby (presumably who wants to see mummy not the back of a phone all day too) and that actually if it’s now causing arguments between you then it really does need a resolution that doesn’t end in “MIL gets what she wants and wife treads round her forever more”.

She is texting 20-25 times a day and the MIL is the one you feel sorry for? Not the poor OP?