MIL wants to text 24/7

[jasminesmummyttc]

My MIL and I have a very civil relationship, we invite her to our house at least once or twice month and if she's in the area more often she can always pop in, we've never said no (whether my husband is home or at work). And when they do visit we’re absolutely fine, no conflict, have polite conversation. I'm a SAHM. She’s (seemingly) happily married and seems to have a lot of friends near where she lives (about 1hr from us)

She has recently decided she wants to text me 20-25 times per day (no exaggeration) with things like 'are you enjoying the sunshine' 'do you want to see my new vase' 'i just swam, isn't swimming such a nice sport?' 'what's the baby doing' 'how is your mum' ‘are you having a nice day’ ‘how was the park’ and honestly it's a bit much for me. If I give short responses like 'yes thank you' or 'all good, thank you' or '👍🏼' or if I ignore the messages she doesn't get the message and sends more random questions and chat. If i try to call her and discuss all these pressing questions, then she will act surprised if I round off the call after 15min (nothing is said, just the same small talk) she acts surprised that I gtg and tries to fall back later with something new like ‘oh you’ll never believe what I saw in M&S! Heart shaped cookies so I bought them but they don’t taste as nice as I hoped’ . I told my husband I'm finding it annoying and I don't have time to keep pointless talk going - id rather play with my DD or cook her a meal than be glued to my phone. He subtly told her that I'm not loving the messaging (she would start with a good morning message around 7am and try to keep the conversation going all day) but I'm happy for her to join us for a day some time soon so we'd go out for a walk, playground, have lunch together etc and this apparently made my MIL very upset because she has that kind of relationship with my SIL - her daughter who doesn't have kids and has a relatively chilled job. They message from morning to the night and share every minor detail ('had salad for lunch' 'saw a cute dog'). Now my husband is upset that his mum is upset...

Could just say your having a break from your phone cos your worried about being on it too much can become an addiction. So most of the time your phone won’t be on you & if it’s an emergency then people will find away to let you know etc

My immediate thought. Make it entirely his problem.

Honestly what's the worst that could happen if you just stop replying to her messages. If she quizzes you say you're not using your phone in the daytime so you don't spent your precious time with your child staring at your phone.

Oh my....ermmm crumbs that sounds really awful and intrusive. You'll need to stop responding and just call a week

The big thing for me is saying that you don’t want to be on your phone when you are with the children. That face to face interaction and responsive parenting is hindered by parents being on their phone. So you’re not going to look at your phone more than once or twice a day. If it’s best for her grandchild she can’t complain. Then yes encourage her to come on chatty walks and shopping trips with you (during which you obviously don’t look at your phone at all). Good luck

I’d just ignore them and send one reply a day that says nothing: glad you’ve had a busy day/that’s nice/oh dear, etc
she’ll soon get the message.
if she asks why say you’re busy with the baby and don’t want to be on your phone

Sounds like she's lonely. Tell her you took WhatsApp off your phone for a bit, or a broken screen or something, and break her of the habit.

Create a group WhatsApp with you, dh, mil. Tell her dh wants to be part of the daily chat. Mute the chat. Let him deal with it.

Also say you are deliberately spending less time on social media as its so draining.

She sounds a little lonely. I'd message openly about it and say something like 'sorry for not replying all the time, I'm just trying to be on my phone less around the little one. How about you come over on X day and we can go to the park and for coffee and properly catch up' (then when she is with you you need to make an actual show of not being on your phone around the little one!)

Yanbu. You're not close to her it seems, and she's being annoying unintentionally. Just wondering how, you're not close, but she doesn't seem to have gotten that memo?

Your DH is being a prick. But you married a mummy's boy, and sadly this is the lack of support that comes bundled with it!

Oh God, she is incredibly bored, Is she generally someone who talks non stop?

Nothing obliges you to respond to each message, or even read her messages.
(My phone is presently on silent, because that's what I do at night & haven't got round to putting the sound back on )

I'd call her, & say your H must have said something clumsy? Back at him, the idiot "Don't be upset, however this texting is time consuming & I have to make more time for child"
Lets face it she didn't have ANYONE texting ad nauseam when she was a young mother !
Yes & suggest she texts your H instead with her idle chatter

I think she likely messages more as she is getting more desperate to connect with you, and when you only respond with very brief replies. It's obviously not fair to you, but also we're lucky to have MIL's that care and want to involve us. It sounds like it having a proper conversation about how you 'love to hear from her and what she is up to, but feel very overwhelmed as you're so busy. You could say maybe once a day would feel okay, and ask how she would feel about that'? I don't agree 1-2x a month is very much contact at all tbh. I also don't agree Hubby should mediate cause its his mum - you are all grown ups!

I am amazed to read the responses on here all so against the MIL.

Let me share a small story. My uncle figure (but no biological connection) used to text me many times a day. He would share photos of his dinner, text inane things and I would find it absolutely infuriating - I didn’t have time for that stuff. I tried to reply politely (so maybe at the end of the day I’d ping a similarly inane text like- Busy day here, it was really sunny. Dinner looks tasty. Have a good evening.). It just frustrated me. I couldn’t be bothered.

Then he passed away. It reframed everything for me, too late. He was reaching out for social contact - he didn’t have many friends. He was trying really hard even though it wasn’t hitting the mark. I never really appreciated that. Overall he was being kind and whilst the comments weren’t really that interesting to me it came from a place of kindness.

Politeness here could take maybe a cumulative 60 seconds out of your day? Occasionally speckled with a few clue texts “sorry I’m so busy at work at the moment” or “goodness, I’ve only just got home from work. I’m exhausted!” Or “with children today so trying not to use my phone as much, have a great day”. The group chat is a great idea and you could ask her to chat on there more instead of the separate chat “hey, I know I’m sometimes slow to respond to you, I’m just so busy at the moment, can we use the group chat instead so others can chime in too when I’m busy?”

If I could have my time again, I would play it differently and I do try to with my older in-laws. Don’t forget, as mothers of their grandchildren it’s our children who will be carrying the family history forward. If you don’t guard that history it gets lost. I get the impression some people don’t value that history any more but…personally I think it does have value and from my position as mother to two boys I absolutely dread, absolutely fear, trying to have a relationship with the boys partners. She sounds like she’s trying to make a genuine effort with you and you don’t like what she’s doing. But it sounds like it’s coming from a place of kindness and kindness should be valued.

Personally I think your being harsh. She is clearly trying to make a relationship with you, she doesn’t seem to be trying to be nosey or tell you what to do, just build a friendship. Do you have so many friends that one more is too much?
Cutting down how much you respond to her is reasonable but I’d still engage a few times a day. Even send her a little picture of the top you just bought if you are sending it to another friend. It literally takes 10 seconds.
I wouldn’t use my husband as the go between, it’s not fair. Talk to your MiL and tell her you find it a bit overwhelming but that you will respond 2-3 times a day, when you get chance as you are looking after your kid.
MiL’s can’t win on here.

Start a group WhatsApp with him in too.

1. he will then see the level of messages
2. he will also be responsible for replying to them. works for me!

Personally I think your being harsh. She is clearly trying to make a relationship with you, she doesn’t seem to be trying to be nosey or tell you what to do, just build a friendship.

Perhaps Op doesn't want to be friends with her MIL?

I find my MIL hard work.

We can get on well enough but the thought of a false/forced chatty back & forth messaging-no thanks!

Could you frame it as you are worried about using your phone too much around (child)ren and want to have less screen time? How about she visits or you meet up in a mutual location for 1/2 a day a week for girly/grandma and chat time?

I think that you should have dealt with this yourself, not asked your husband to do it.
You are blessed to have a friendly MIL but it would have been fine to say “I appreciate your messages but please don’t be offended if I don’t have time to answer very often because I am busy and feel uncomfortable if I am looking at my phone too much instead of focusing on the baby.

Harsh? There's no reason for anyone to be texting people constantly every day, all day. It's annoying AF! OP's MIL needs to a hobby, sounds like she's got too much time on her hands.

Group WhatsApp idea is an excellent one.

Maybe she's aware how some mums struggle at home and sometimes feel isolated and dont get much adult conversation so she's trying to do her upmost to include you and chat and whilst trying to be supportive it actually becomes more draining for you but I'm sure she has the best of intentions behind what she's doing.

I would reply but not straight away and when you do don't apologise that you've been busy just chat as normal and end it with something like have a nice evening speak Tomorrow.
She has a different bond with her daughter and its hard for mothers of sons to sometimes feel as involved as they are with their daughters family as daughter in laws tend to gravitate and lean on their own mothers

That's a good idea to have a group whattapp as a previous poster said

People just don't text me anymore because I'm not one for small talk, if its not important or funny it hasn't grabbed my attention. Now they just dint bother, or if they do they know not to expect a reply. Not cause I'm a bitch but cause I'm too busy to stop and read a message about how you need a book a doctors appointment, or how you bought a pumpkin spiced latte....just book the appointment and enjoy your latte, don't bug me with it...so yeah just ignore her and tell her you're sorry, you've been busy and forgot to reply. She'll get the message eventually. My MIL did

I wouldn't have said anything, bit would have muted her messages and answered them all at a certain time of the day. Emojis on numerous messages, then one simple nice message. Then wont look at them until the next day, at the same time. However your husband's already told her. I'd message her once a day, something nice. If she gets upset about it, just explain that you don't enjoy being on the phone all day as you like to be active.

Really can't believe some of the messages on here and the rudeness.
It's hard getting old and one day we all get there. Yes the messages can be a bit much but you don't need to reply to every message immediately one day those messages will stop for good and you will be the one older and lonelier. families too busy for each other no time for you it literally takes seconds to message and that can make someone's day.