MIL wants to text 24/7

[jasminesmummyttc]

My MIL and I have a very civil relationship, we invite her to our house at least once or twice month and if she's in the area more often she can always pop in, we've never said no (whether my husband is home or at work). And when they do visit we’re absolutely fine, no conflict, have polite conversation. I'm a SAHM. She’s (seemingly) happily married and seems to have a lot of friends near where she lives (about 1hr from us)

She has recently decided she wants to text me 20-25 times per day (no exaggeration) with things like 'are you enjoying the sunshine' 'do you want to see my new vase' 'i just swam, isn't swimming such a nice sport?' 'what's the baby doing' 'how is your mum' ‘are you having a nice day’ ‘how was the park’ and honestly it's a bit much for me. If I give short responses like 'yes thank you' or 'all good, thank you' or '👍🏼' or if I ignore the messages she doesn't get the message and sends more random questions and chat. If i try to call her and discuss all these pressing questions, then she will act surprised if I round off the call after 15min (nothing is said, just the same small talk) she acts surprised that I gtg and tries to fall back later with something new like ‘oh you’ll never believe what I saw in M&S! Heart shaped cookies so I bought them but they don’t taste as nice as I hoped’ . I told my husband I'm finding it annoying and I don't have time to keep pointless talk going - id rather play with my DD or cook her a meal than be glued to my phone. He subtly told her that I'm not loving the messaging (she would start with a good morning message around 7am and try to keep the conversation going all day) but I'm happy for her to join us for a day some time soon so we'd go out for a walk, playground, have lunch together etc and this apparently made my MIL very upset because she has that kind of relationship with my SIL - her daughter who doesn't have kids and has a relatively chilled job. They message from morning to the night and share every minor detail ('had salad for lunch' 'saw a cute dog'). Now my husband is upset that his mum is upset...

Just start leaving it longer and longer between your replies and she'll eventually calm it down - if you reply immediately to every message it will just keep it going.
I had similar with my MIL and she rarely messages me any more. I also left 'their' family Whatsapp I was added to because the constant stream of messages was just unbearable (for me - they obviously enjoy it). I think the trick is not to actually make it into a big issue, so don't speak to her about it and don't get your DH to speak to her about it (any more), just gradually withdraw from it.

She seems to think that she needs to have the same kind of relationship with you as she has with her daughter. But it is strange that it has happened all of a sudden!

Personally I would not cope with this at all! I think another very clear chat with your dh is due. Ask him how he would feel if your mum/dad did this to him all day! Really make him think about it.

Then it's either up to him to sort out presumably by explaining to his mum that she is bound to have a different relationship with her own daughter than with you.

If she doesn't get it then honestly I would just block because I would not be able to handle it. Then hopefully she will come to her senses and you can start again.

This is ridiculous. I’m sure she wouldn’t text your DH this much because she probably thinks his time is more valuable, and you are “available” to chit chat all day.

I’m not sure you’re doing yourself any favours by calling her though.

I’d just not reply throughout the day, maybe just reply once in the evening or something. If she questions it just say you don’t look at your phone much in the day.

my husband gets upset that she's upset.

But it doesn't matter that you are?

It's perhaps nice that she's trying to be as close(?) to you as she is her own daughter.

But you're not the same & don't want that relationship & she should realise that that is no reflection on her.

It would make me back right off & not bother to see her without her son there.

She's obviously not thinking about you Op.

My aunt does this to me. I have just told her nicely, but bluntly, 'There is no point in you ringing/texting all the time. I don't like it and don't do it with anyone. Just give me a ring once a week.'

Now she rings and we speak for about 10 minutes once a week and that's that. She often says 'I was going to ring you/text you yesterday but you don't like all that do you' and I reply breezily 'No, you're right there- hate it, it's pointless. Nothing more irritating.'

Agree it requires a boundary but it's quite an awkward situation. You are probably too available and need to stop reading and responding to messages as soon as they come through. Be 'busy' and unavailable.

Maybe your DH could speak to his dad to see if there's been any other change in her behaviour. Tot up the number of texts sent in any 24 hr period to see if they find it excessive.

MIL's can never do anything right on mumsnet .Someone is always complaining about them : they're mostly not friendly enough ,now they're too friendly.

If this is a sudden change, might there be an issue?We noticed a change in my mum during lock down ,she has since been diagnosed with dementia and there's nothing we can do about it and is a similar age to your MIL.

Start a family chat to take the heat off you.

I'm Team "Forward them all to your DH" and don't reply.
Don't otherwise engage, don't answer when she calls unless you really want to speak.

25 messages a day is too many! How many does your husband get from her? Has she bot got anything else to do??

It’s kind of crappy of him to expect you to just be ok with this, then to try a guilt trip on you when you’re not interested.

Anyone sending 20+ text messages a day when they're not wanted is unreasonable.

If <insert name of rich and hot celebrity of choice> was doing it you'd quickly get fed up of it.

A million percent this!

He clearly doesn't get the volume of messages.

Also, you are her daughter in law not her offspring so you don't have to accept any of these messages going forwards. You could use the "Focus" option if you have an iPhone and that will allow notifications from specific people during specific times. All other messages from the people not on your 'allow' list will be silenced. Not sure if that will mean that outside of the "Do Not Disturb" timeframe, whether you'll get a mad crazy glut of messages all at once. Try it and have the schedule to run until your DH gets home from work. Leave your phone on the side and have a loud enough notification sound going for every message that comes through.

Time to make you being upset unbearable to him.

Say that you're so tired, you're getting distracted during meetings and your team/manager are noticing now because you're not focused on your work due to the volumes of messages coming from his mother. Say that you're worried for your job and your upset.

You need to be the super important one in his life. Why aren't you?

I’m dreading being a MIL, everyone seems to hate them on MN.

Does she text your DH 25 times a day as well?! This would drive me mad!

There was a thread quite recently that everyone was posting on that was #TeamMiL all the way.

Not everyone hates their MiL.
Not everyone has to have the same relationship they have with their own mother with their MiL.

MiL who overstep and are nosy as hell and who don't know when to stop (this being a prime example) are not looked on as being the types of MiL that people should emulate. MiL who are supportive and kind and know where to draw the line (both for themselves and for their child(ren)/grandchild(ren)) are generally very much appreciated and fly under the radar as they are the ones that don't rock the boat and even if they do rock it, it's generally for a valid reason.

This situation doesn't seem to fit that description.

Ignore her until a time of your choosing.

My BIL does the same thing to me, randomly. But it's always something fairly open ended like "I had a dream about you last night" or "Have you see X at the theatre?"
I've taken to leaving him on "read" for at least an hour, and often overnight, as he seems to most like doing it just as I'm chilling for the evening and thinking about bed!

But you already send these inane messages but to your friends. I don’t see the big deal in sending them to mil too. She’s 63 you’re the mother of her gc, she’s trying to be nice and build a closer relationship to you. I don’t see any issues on her side here.

Just put your phone on Do not disturb.😗

I've had this for a couple of years but not from MIL from someone else. 20+ messages every single day starting with a good morning text and ending with a good night text. Same messages as you "I just got such and such from town/online heres ten photos of it" or "I'm watching this thing on Netflix, I really don't like the main character (uhh okay ...). It got to the point where I was so emotionally drained I ended up crying to my sister about it. There were reasons I couldn't be rude/blunt, the person has is unwell, but I'd basically ended up as their entire emotional support system. No amount of "I'm busy" would work, I could tell them "I'm just about to go to lunch with a friend" and they'd still message non-stop. Anyway I've managed, last week, to finally knock it on the head and haven't heard a peep for days, it's bliss.

YANBU at all. I think unless you've experienced this level of constant messaging and phone calls about inane shit then you don't understand how draining it can be. I couldn't shop in peace, couldn't sleep in peace, couldn't have a bath or a shit in peace and I couldn't just switch off my phone because my DS my need me. If I ignored then I'd get messages asking "if I'm okay" and feared they would then turn up at my door to check on me.

And then when her sil has kids Op will be coming back demanding to know why her kids are no longer the fav. Some form of communication is essential in building close family relationships with in laws - if Op isn’t prepared for her to call her she needs to accept the texts.

if Op isn’t prepared for her to call her she needs to accept the texts.

OP doesn't NEED to do anything she doesn't want to and that includes being forced to communicate with someone all day over unnecessary nonsense. She is under no obligation to respond at all. The volume of messages is completely unreasonable to the majority of people who have far better things to be getting on with.

zingally

It sounds like your brother in law fancies you ?

I've said to him the point about 'what if my parents acted like that to you' and he said he'd be fine... I know he doesn't mean it though.

My parents and him have a good relationship but they're not super intrusive people. They will obviously contact him to say congratulations on a promotion, happy birthday, hope you're feeling better if he's unwell etc but don't bother him with the daily 'what's the weather where you are' 'tell me about your day'. So it's easy to say it wouldn't bother him if it'll never happen!