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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just chucked partners clothes in the bin

157 replies

Timeforchange13 · 11/09/2023 20:23

Been with DP 5 years. Good as gold usually but I've had enough of picking up after him all the time. Asked him to put the new bedsheets on and he said he will in a minute. Half an hour later, he's still sat on his phone. He's also permanently got a pile of clothes on the floor next to his bed with a bunch of crap he can't be bothered to put into drawers.

Another thing, he recently came back from a golf holiday and left a whole load of washing in our spare room, some needing washing, some ironing. Been repeatedly asking him for 3 days to do something with it, and today I've just got so fed up, I got all the clothes from the floor and spare bedroom and put them in a bin bag and chucked them in the bin. He went absolutely crazy but I am at my wits end of having to tell him to clean up after himself!

OP posts:
Humidititties · 12/09/2023 08:16

Oh fuck off with the abuse shit, she threw his clothes in the bin because she'd repeatedly asked him to tidy up and he didn't. I wouldn't be living in a shithole either and I'd have done the same if he didn't clear up his mess. And no, it would be no different if it had been a man chucking a woman's stuff in the bin!

AngelinaFibres · 12/09/2023 08:20

I am married to the tidiest man in the world. It is a wonderfully fabulous thing. I could not live with abandoned stuff anywhere. I could not find a man child attractive in any way. Leaving stuff on the floor is a pain when teenagers do it . A grown man with a job and a life leaving stuff everywhere is just pathetic.

Themoonandtwopence · 12/09/2023 08:21

TacCat49 · 12/09/2023 03:13

You need another bin bag to get rid of him. He wants a mother not a partner.

👏👏

mirax · 12/09/2023 08:21

Timeforchange13 · 11/09/2023 23:00

Thanks everyone. I took some time out as needed a breather and he came and apologised. Washed all his clothes and ironed them. They are now nicely washed and hanging up in the airing cupboard.
Sometimes you just have to put them in their place. I do not tolerate being treated like I'm his mother Grin

If only mothers taught their sons and daughters as well as you just taught your partner, OP! Admire the follow through from the ultimatum.

AbbeyGailsParty · 12/09/2023 08:28

You gave him the warning, he ignored it. Why should you live in a messy house just because he’s lazy.
You have a spare room, so acquire a large cardboard box. Everything he leaves lying around lob into the box ( clothes, shoes, crap, everything) When he runs out of clean clothes he can wash and iron his own. Don’t explain, just do it. Works on teenage boys too.

Middleagedmeangirls · 12/09/2023 08:35

@Lentilweaver

lol! Yes I go away quite often and he generally fends pretty well for himself in my absence but amnesia always seems to set in on my return. As he works FT and I no longer work at all this doesn't bother me. But when he retires I will expect a more even division of labour.

Middleagedmeangirls · 12/09/2023 08:35

@AbbeyGailsParty
and teenage girls.

Octosaurus · 12/09/2023 08:40

Timeforchange13 · 11/09/2023 23:06

@wandawonder Ah just realised my comment looks as though I washed his clothes and ironed them. I most definitely did not, he ended up doing it almost immediately

You are a legend for this!

HikingforScenery · 12/09/2023 08:42

I’m afraid you’ve treated him like you’re his mother in ‘teaching him a lesson this way’

Naunet · 12/09/2023 08:47

Defiantjazz · 12/09/2023 07:19

if my partner did this to me, I would leave them.

You’d have to pick your all clothes up off the floor to do that.

Edited

😂

WhatWouldHopperDo · 12/09/2023 08:48

The thing is, you both have different levels of what is acceptable and you have to find a better way to manage it than you just going on at him until he does what you want.

Just because you don't want stuff on the floor by his side of the bed, why does that mean he must comply?

As others have said, you don't want to be his Mother picking up after him but you are treating him like a child.

You need to sit down and agree a compromise. If you do all the laundry, absolutely fair enough not to wash stuff that is left lying around but if it's not in your way and it's not festering rubbish and food, I'd let it go.

itsmyp4rty · 12/09/2023 08:51

You're treating him like a child which is never going to work in a relationship, not to mention it's a complete waste to bin perfectly good clothes. If you had to bag them up anyway why not just put them in a laundry bag/basket?

Being tidy is important to you but not to him. You need to accept that or split as it's not going to change. Binning his clothes is just childish. I'm not a tidy person and do things in my own time, not when I'm told. If someone binned my clothes the relationship would be over.

BirdiePlantaganet · 12/09/2023 09:00

Our bedroom is covered in clothes on the floor. All mine. My tidy husband occasionally refers to it as my ‘floordrobe’, but would he ever dream of doing anything other than let me get on with it? No.

He’s not a weird control freak.

You’re both adults. Leave him alone.

billy1966 · 12/09/2023 09:08

My with 4 teens took to gathering their stuff that was left laying about in a black bag and put it in her garage.

After denying all knowledge for 24 hours, told them where the bag was.

She had to do it once more, again left it a full 24 hours before saying it was in the boot of her car.

They got the message.

hot2trotter · 12/09/2023 09:08

Well done you, now send him back to his mother 🤣

Appleofmyeye2023 · 12/09/2023 09:17

its like scent marking when people do this. “THIS IS MY TERRITORY AND ILL DO WHAT I WANT WITH MY SPACE” just to make a point and sod any reality that, actually, it is a shared space and not somewhere to piss all over (metaphorically)

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/09/2023 09:25

madeinmanc · 12/09/2023 07:05

I can't imagine micromanaging a grown adult like this. YABU because he's his own person with autonomy and by binning his clothes you've put yourself squarely in the role of MOTHER and him as badly-behaved teenage son. He can leave his clothes where he chooses and do what he wants with them.

On the contrary, I can't imagine living in a house with a person who claims to love me but acting like housemates who don't give a shit.

Seriously who just lives with a 'leave it where you want I don't care' sort of attitude?!

Comtesse · 12/09/2023 09:33

Good for you OP. Dirty clothes lying around would be really annoying.

SoftSheen · 12/09/2023 09:38

YANBU to put his clothes in a bin bag.

But YABVVU to actually put the bag in the bin. This is incredibly wasteful and sets a dangerous precedent.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 12/09/2023 10:42

LittleBrownJug · 12/09/2023 06:06

That’s actually very thoughtful @TheLadyofShalott1.

& also what I was getting at @DontMakeMeShushYou . I am sure OP’s partner wants to live free of societal norms & throw his clothes all over the floor because he’s a lazy bugger who is used to someone cleaning up after him. But when you live with others, part of the unwritten social contract is not to be overly messy in a way that affects them detrimentally. So if he really wants his right to do that, that’s obviously fine, but he should go & live with other likeminded people who don’t mind this, or he could live alone. I don’t think there’s a compromise - like he can throw his dirty clothes on the floor every other day or only on one half of the room? No. Why should OP have to go to the trouble of getting a special linen basket for him like he’s a child? More labour for women. He’s a grown man, he knows where dirty laundry and clothes go.

I do think it’s A. Horrible to have to live in a mess not of your own making as it can deeply impact your mental health. I can’t work, & certainly can’t relax in my own home if it’s overly messy or dirty. I appreciate that’s my issue and DH’s brain doesn’t work that way, so I clean up after myself, pay for a cleaner myself and am teaching DD to clear up after herself. But I do not do my DH’s washing & I don’t clean up after him. I expect him to respect me enough & understand the societal contract and so tidy up after himself , even if he doesn’t clean much (so there’s a compromise there you see as he’s not paying for the cleaner!) and B. Yes it is disgusting to have unwashed sports clothes & socks lying around, as they do smell & are sweaty. My DH leaves his used socks on the dining room table we eat off! His big size 11 sweaty socks. That’s pretty disgusting.

Anyway, I can’t really get worked up about this, as the MN saying goes - I wish this was my biggest problem! It could be solved in numerous ways and indeed the OP has solved it in one very effective way.

Unfortunately, I don't think we are agreeing because I think the compromise needs to be on both sides and you think only one person needs to compromise. Yes, whilst no-one should be overly messy in a way that affects those they live with detrimentally, equally no-one should be so fussy about maintaining show-home standards that their partner can't just relax in their own home as that is just as detrimental. There is no need for anyone to be so uptight about a few things left next to someone's side of the bed, or some clothes which have been left unpacked for a few days in an unused room, that they behave in such a controlling and childish manner.

My DH leaves his used socks on the dining room table we eat off! His big size 11 sweaty socks. That’s pretty disgusting.
Yeah, that is disgusting. Luckily for the OP it sounds as though her partner isn't quite so grim.

rosepetall · 12/09/2023 12:00

Oh OP how many times I have said I will do this and never do it. Well done! There is no reason a grown adult can't do it themselves and so unfair to put the pressure on you. My DH is the same, and it just purely out of them knowing we will end up doing it anyway.

LuluBlakey1 · 12/09/2023 12:06

DH used to leave stuff about. I started to pick it up and put it on the floor at his side of the bed- books, clothes, shoes, sports kit, text books (teacher), coats.I never said anything. He stopped when his side of the bed looked like shit and he had to sort through it to find anything.

Leaving all your crap around is disrespectful to the person/people you live with.

CruCru · 12/09/2023 12:16

In fairness, it depends a bit on how much room you have. Perhaps a “floordrobe” isn’t so awful if you have a really massive house and huge rooms. The OP described a pile of clothes and crap by the bed and a load of unwashed golf clothes lying around the spare room. If she only has a small two bedroom flat, that is a lot of space taken up with unwashed clothes.

Every summer there are at least a couple of threads along the lines of “Why do some people on the tube / bus / train smell so awful?!?”. The people who smell are often the floordrobe people. They don’t think they do because they shower and use deodorant. They are used to the smell of the trousers that have been left lying on the floor. But other people can still smell them.

RubiRage · 12/09/2023 12:25

Respect! 👏

Scarlettpixie · 12/09/2023 12:33

Not sure what makes you the boss OP. You are acting like his mother, be this by picking up after him or punishing him for misbehaving. Also the language you use about him is really patronising. You really have no right to throw away someone else’s stuff even if just to make a point.

i agree he sounds like a slob and you shouldn’t have to put up with it but the answer should telling him how it makes you feel and if he doesn’t care enough to change then you really don’t have to stay with him.