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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just chucked partners clothes in the bin

157 replies

Timeforchange13 · 11/09/2023 20:23

Been with DP 5 years. Good as gold usually but I've had enough of picking up after him all the time. Asked him to put the new bedsheets on and he said he will in a minute. Half an hour later, he's still sat on his phone. He's also permanently got a pile of clothes on the floor next to his bed with a bunch of crap he can't be bothered to put into drawers.

Another thing, he recently came back from a golf holiday and left a whole load of washing in our spare room, some needing washing, some ironing. Been repeatedly asking him for 3 days to do something with it, and today I've just got so fed up, I got all the clothes from the floor and spare bedroom and put them in a bin bag and chucked them in the bin. He went absolutely crazy but I am at my wits end of having to tell him to clean up after himself!

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 12/09/2023 03:27

Yanbu

Mble · 12/09/2023 03:55

You are acting like his mother by describing him as ‘good as gold’ and giving him warnings for not dealing with his clothes. If you both like being in a relationship like this then I guess it is fine to bin his clothes. It seems to have got the response you wanted.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/09/2023 04:05

The OP put his clothes into a clean and dry bin bag, and then put them in the bin.

Whether he saw her do that, or she told him she had done it shouldn't matter. I am sure that she would not have let the refuse people take it away!

She had told him numerous times that she couldn't live like that, so that is what she was going to do. She eventually went through with that promise.

I am sure that they already have at least one basket or whatever for their dirty clothes, and I assume that they have wardrobes and drawers (or hanging rails and shelves, for their clean clothes), so in this case (with no-one being disabled) it was down to sheer laziness that made her partner behave so slovenly.

Our society (and I expect most other societies around the world are the same) live and thrive survive by having social mores that we grow up learning and adhering to. For those, and I expect there will always be some, who do not want to be stifled/sufficated/suppressed by their societies social mores, but don't want to break any of their society's actual laws, then maybe they need to leave the society they were probably born into, and belong to, and hopefully find other people who think and feel similarly to them, and create a new society that they feel comfortable with.

I wonder how many people would enjoy living in a society where things are always dropped on the floor or wherever, whenever one of it's members has finished with it - whether temporarily or all together? From some of the previous replys to the OP here, it certainly sounds like some Mumsnetters would like to live in that 'alternative' community, which is fine, but I expect that most of us prefer at least some modicum of tidiness (and cleanliness if that is appropriate in any given situation).

I am a married female, and if I behaved like her husband, and he behaved like the OP did, then I would be a bit angry and actually quite a lot secretly amused and impressed. But I do realise that my reaction to certain things might not generally be the norm. I am sure that the vast majority of us Mumsnetters, and probably us humans, are very complex beings, which may very well go at least someway to explaining all the disagreements, sarcasm, put downs, etc that seem to be rife on Mumsnet.

But it may also explain how generous with their time, how lovely and supporting with their words, and simply how helpful and understanding some Mumsnetters are. I suspect that some of our wonderful Mumsnetters can come from either/both camps depending on both the subject matter, and whatever is happening in that particular Mumsnetter's life at the time. I also expect that it might take a lot to change any of the few trolls that we sadly come across, from being a troll. If we knew their life story we might actually feel sorry for them.

Anyway, if an otherwise happy marriage or partnership reaches a stalemate over something that is very frustrating/upsetting to one of them, and just happens due to sheer laziness on the side of the other one, then a well warned, non aggressive act on the upset partners side - remember the OP did not damage the clothes in any way. I am sure there was no chance of them being taken away unless her partner couldn't even be bothered to retrieve them from the bin - and one that was not abusive in any dictionary defined way that I know of, may have possibly been the best way in their relationship to reach a mutually beneficial understanding.

It wouldn't matter to me whether it was a man or a woman who had used this technique to try to get the other partner to know how frustrated and upset they were.

@Timeforchange13 obviously knows her partner well, and her actions worked at least this time, he apologised to her, and actually washed and hung up the said clothes. Whether her actions will have a long term affect is still to be discovered.

However, one sentence of the OP's does dismay me a little, and it is possible that the OP did not actually mean it like that, and just used a poor choice of words (something that I am frequently guilty of, and could kick myself about when and if I realise later what I said) is:
"Sometimes you just have to put them in their place"
That sentence made me cringe. Imo not only should it never - or at least hardly ever - be said (who are any of us to put another person in their place - whatever that actually means) - but in my eyes it made the OP sound very smug, and smugness is one of my big dislikes, along with arrogance. I think that they probably go hand in hand together, and I don't know why I have such a visceral dislike to both characteristics, but I do, which of course is my problem, and probably shouldn't be (and isn't?) of any concern to Timeforchange.

I expect I will get the usual eye rolls, FFSs, or even a biscuit, for this once again far too long indulgence in writing down my own thoughts, but then I think that many Mumsnetters take one look at my username, and/or the length of my musings and give my comments a miss anyway. I can't say I blame them if they do! I sometimes wish that I could climb out of my head and have a rest 🙄🤭

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/09/2023 04:11

Oops, I forgot something!

At face value I don't consider either OP's or her partner's behaviour to warrant the break up of their relationship, imo that really would be going OTT.

oakleaffy · 12/09/2023 04:15

Xrays · 11/09/2023 20:33

You’ll get a ton of replies telling you how unreasonable you are but I have to admire you. 😆🙈

Brave move, OP!
Well done!😂

mathanxiety · 12/09/2023 04:27

TawnyLarue · 11/09/2023 21:19

🫤 I mean I get the impatience but it seems a total overreaction to me. Imagine he had done that to your clothes. People would be calling him abusive and all sorts.

Because to be honest it is a bit. He’s an adult he’s not one of your children.

Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

He's disrespectful and lazy and he got what he deserved.

mathanxiety · 12/09/2023 04:31

TawnyLarue · 11/09/2023 23:42

So if she was the messy one and he chucked her clothes in the bin - that would be ok, would it?

Why do you think it wouldn't be?

Nobody has the right to turn a home into a pigstye.

TeeBee · 12/09/2023 04:51

Good on ya. I've previously done the same.

exclusion · 12/09/2023 04:59

LusaBatoosa · 11/09/2023 20:39

Why not just leave it?

Why should she have to look at his piles of washing everywhere?

rwalker · 12/09/2023 05:08

Different people live to different standards
as long as he’s not expecting you to move them or do anything with them then that just part of sharing a home no doubt you being tidy equally pisses him off

I think it was a bad move if you did that to me next time you leave anything of yours out it’s be straight in the bin

umeboshionigiri · 12/09/2023 05:15

Sometimes you just have to put them in their place

What a disgusting thing to say OP

GuinnessBird · 12/09/2023 05:15

Well done.

It's not exactly unreasonable to have some expectations to not live in a shit hole.

This thread is obviously triggering the lazy people.

pictoosh · 12/09/2023 05:33

I'm not lazy...but I still leave my clothes in a pile at the side of my bed. I can do that because they're my clothes, it's my house and I'm a grown up and can leave them there if I like. They don't turn the place into a hell hole...it's just a pile at the side of the bed, harmless and nothing to do with anyone else. It's certainly not for my husband to be issuing warnings like he's my dad and then throwing my stuff in the bin, not that he would. In turn my dh leaves crap all over his desk in the sitting room. It's visible to visitors <gasp> but I don't care. It's his stuff, his desk, his problem. We live here and that's life.

You say you're not going to be his mother OP - but that's exactly what you're behaving like.

JugularBugular · 12/09/2023 05:41

I usually hate knee jerk “end it” responses but it clearly needs to happen in this case. They’re fundamentally incompatible in terms of lifestyle. Also, the tone of the original post - “good as gold”. He’s her partner not a Labrador. Probably best for both to go their separate ways.

user1492757084 · 12/09/2023 05:44

I would never bin them.
I might pretend to bin children's clothing but my partner has the right to be lazy if it just affects himself.
It is his house too and he can be slovenly if he chooses.

I think you need to discuss how slovenly and what can be seen by you (who also lives there and shouldn't have to see crap)

Can you have him feel comfortable to leave clothes only on his side of the room (1/4 of room, a strip) but also agree that he will pick up clothes and wash or store and vaccum once per fortnight?
Never do his washing.

Make sure he has access to a laundry basket.
Never unpack for him.
If clothes become plentiful keep placing them back onto his strip.
He might take a week or two to unpack - discuss a fair finish date when you can have access to the spare room again.

SunRainStorm · 12/09/2023 05:48

Incredibly wasteful and bad for the environment to bin perfectly good clothing.

You could have donated it and made the same point.

Sally2791 · 12/09/2023 05:51

I would be livid if someone binned my clothes. You sound a bit controlling

RFO · 12/09/2023 06:02

The smell though 🤢

LittleBrownJug · 12/09/2023 06:06

That’s actually very thoughtful @TheLadyofShalott1.

& also what I was getting at @DontMakeMeShushYou . I am sure OP’s partner wants to live free of societal norms & throw his clothes all over the floor because he’s a lazy bugger who is used to someone cleaning up after him. But when you live with others, part of the unwritten social contract is not to be overly messy in a way that affects them detrimentally. So if he really wants his right to do that, that’s obviously fine, but he should go & live with other likeminded people who don’t mind this, or he could live alone. I don’t think there’s a compromise - like he can throw his dirty clothes on the floor every other day or only on one half of the room? No. Why should OP have to go to the trouble of getting a special linen basket for him like he’s a child? More labour for women. He’s a grown man, he knows where dirty laundry and clothes go.

I do think it’s A. Horrible to have to live in a mess not of your own making as it can deeply impact your mental health. I can’t work, & certainly can’t relax in my own home if it’s overly messy or dirty. I appreciate that’s my issue and DH’s brain doesn’t work that way, so I clean up after myself, pay for a cleaner myself and am teaching DD to clear up after herself. But I do not do my DH’s washing & I don’t clean up after him. I expect him to respect me enough & understand the societal contract and so tidy up after himself , even if he doesn’t clean much (so there’s a compromise there you see as he’s not paying for the cleaner!) and B. Yes it is disgusting to have unwashed sports clothes & socks lying around, as they do smell & are sweaty. My DH leaves his used socks on the dining room table we eat off! His big size 11 sweaty socks. That’s pretty disgusting.

Anyway, I can’t really get worked up about this, as the MN saying goes - I wish this was my biggest problem! It could be solved in numerous ways and indeed the OP has solved it in one very effective way.

Viviennemary · 12/09/2023 06:44

If somebody did that to me it would be the end of the relationship. I thought you were going to say he had had an affair.

ememem84 · 12/09/2023 06:57

ZadocPDederick · 12/09/2023 00:30

As people have suggested, institute a washing basket and tell him that nothing will get washed unless it is in there.

We have a washing basket and the rule that nothing gets washed unless it’s in said basket.

DH still cannot seem to fathom how the basket works. All of his clean clothes are folded and on the floor. His dirty ones at the top of the stairs or by his side of the bed.

it’s infuriating. He “doesn’t have time”

funnily enough I have time to put my stuff away. And the kids stuff (4 and 5 - too little to do most of it themselves although they do their socks and pants)

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 12/09/2023 06:59

Maybe he has adhd or maybe he's depressed, you should talk to him and help support him, not bin his clothes, this was abusive behaviour. You should be looking to get him some help, not berate him.

I am of course joking but this would be the answer if it was anyone else other than an adult male. Someone posted about a teen recently like this and everyone shouted adhd and mental health, they all suggested he needed to go to the gps. It's amazing how different answers are when it's a man.

I would dump you if you did that to my stuff though, do you always treat your boyfriend like a child? There's no way your relationship will last anyway.

Viviennemary · 12/09/2023 07:04

TawnyLarue · 11/09/2023 23:42

So if she was the messy one and he chucked her clothes in the bin - that would be ok, would it?

Of course not. This is MN. He would be an abuser and controller.

Muu · 12/09/2023 07:04

Throwing his stuff in the bin sounds like a tantrum to me but I have sympathy for you- I would be upset if my husband suddenly started leaving dirty clothes on the floor like a slobby teenager.

A couple living together should have roughly the same levels of hygiene and tidiness imo or it’s a recipe for disaster.

madeinmanc · 12/09/2023 07:05

I can't imagine micromanaging a grown adult like this. YABU because he's his own person with autonomy and by binning his clothes you've put yourself squarely in the role of MOTHER and him as badly-behaved teenage son. He can leave his clothes where he chooses and do what he wants with them.