Am I just as bad?

[Optomystic]

Guys I need your help. STBXH and me are splitting up - we want different things. I totally accept this from our perspective, but we have a teenage son and this will devastate him.

STBXH is keen to move out asap and get on with his new life (he has dates lined up apparently). I can't really criticise although wish he could have gone about it better and waited until we had at least divorced, but I don't want to make a fuss as I don't want to do any patching up.

The thing I do take issue with, however, is that he is not willing to wait a couple of years until DS is of adult age. I'm being pretty critical about this and so are some of the people I'm confiding in too. I am claiming he is abandoning his child. However really he isn't he's just leaving me.

Withouth speaking to me he has gone ahead and assumed that we would sell the house and both stay local. From there he would obviously be able to see DS. But, due to my circumstances (I don't have family here and I don't really like the town where we are), I am planning on leaving the area and moving a couple of hours' drive away.

So, am I being a bit of a hipocrite? I am not instigating the divorce or separation as it seems his need to be free is greater than mine although I can't really hold that against him. This means he is responsible for breaking up our family whist DS is still at home.

However, I feel like my decision is the biggest thing that will really separate us, to the point where DS will hardly ever see his dad. I can't really take the moral high ground and claim that H is the one breaking up the family, can I?

I could stay around and live a lesser quality life for the couple of years left and be financially worse off and keep DS and H within visiting distance. But, I will not be happy.

Please help me sort out this moral dilemma as don't want to be seen as reeking revenge on H and making him feel bad for putting himself first now when under different circumstances I am prepared to put my feelings first when it suits me.

Let me know please.

YABU - and are as bad as H
YANBU - your reasons are not on the same scale of selfish - or something like that

How old is your child?

Have you checked whether your soon to be ex would even agree to you moving? He could put a court order in place to prevent it? If he has "dates lined up" I would be suspicious that he hasn't been having at least an emotional affair all along!

DS is 15. Oh I am aware and think that he may have been a philanderer and a bit of a perve all the time we've been together. But I don't want to go there as would probs be too horrific. He hasn't the back bone and is far too lazy to take action against me. He'll be too distracted anyway with his 'new life'.

If he has decided he's leaving you, then I think you are entitled to rebuild your life how it best suits you.

Your husband wants to move down the road, you want to move two hours away. Will your ds have to move schools / college or is he working? Perhaps your ds would rather stay and live with his dad. Lots to think about.

Yeah sorry you’re being a hypocrite

I don’t blame your STBXH for wanting to get on with his life now

Living separately doesn’t mean anyone is abandoning DS. Unless STHXH has some super low contact plan for DS? Otherwise
he isn’t the one planning to move away. You’re the one planning to move away and make contact more difficult.

I’m not convinced this is going to be any better for your DS for waiting a couple of years. He’ll still be pretty young, and he’s got to live with you and STBXH being miserable for next two years. Then discover his parents have been staying together for his sake which is never nice.

I get why you want to move, but if you are really putting DS first you won’t do it right now. If your DS’s interests come first here, you either stay living together and not being happy, or you split up and you stay local-ish not being happy, but DS can still have a full relationship with his Dad.

The main difference seems to financially funding two households rather than one. Maybe that’s the conversation you and H need to have ?

I think at this crucial time in your DS life and exams, to uproot him from where he lives would be awful.

You may actually find that he chooses to remain with his dad rather than come and live with you!

A couple of hours isn't that far, if XH wants to keep in touch and DS is old enough to take a train by himself if necessary for visits

Yeah, but as you say he is leaving me and not our son. I am not sure I can claim he's abandoning his DS and that that will ruin him and then take him far away on my account. If my priority was truely with DS then I'd stay local in order to keep them within distance. Moving away is for me.

I think moving your 15yo 2hrs from his friends and school during the first year of gcse's is beyond shitty. You say its not OK for his father to move out, but what you're proposing has the potential to really fuck him over.

I'd be surprised if a court allowed you to move two hours away if your ex objected. However, your dc is old enough to spend every other w/e with his father even if it means 2hours either way. So there may be the possibility of a negotiation which allows you to move and your ex to keep a relationship with his son. But if he wants 50/50 then I think you'll have to stay.

Your marriage is over. There is no reason why it means that his relationship with his dc has to be over.

I'm not leaving until after his exams. Then I'll get him into a new Sixth Form in the place we're moving to over the summer. He'll stay with me in marital home for the remainder of year 11.

You say your son will be ‘adult age in two years’ - so 14/16 now? Unless there is a drip feed of SEN then DS is capable of travelling on a bus or train unaccompanied? Or you can agree to meet your STBXH half way for contact between parents. Maybe your son to be adult son will prefer to stay most of the time with his father anyway - have you considered that at all as you seem to assume DS is coming with you?
I sympathise that you do not want this parting (I think that’s what you aren’t really saying in you Op) but as your H appears definite about the end of your marriage, you need to be pragmatic. You can still move away, without it being at the expense of either parents ongoing relationship.

Sorry OP you can't move a 15 year old! Can you rent somewhere until he's 18 and then buy in your chosen area?

Or can DH be resident parent?

I would never do this. Please see previous response. I am planning it so he can finish up here and then start a new life with new friends in a new town nearer other family.

Again, that's a good idea in principle, but he may want to go to sixth form with his friends, and unfortunately, you wouldn't be able to prevent him from remaining with his dad at that age.

That's a risk I personally wouldn't want to take with my child. I like that I live 20mins from my ex, despite the fact that if I moved away I could buy something instead of being stuck renting!

Oh no, I left out an important part and now the entire focus is on me ripping him out of school when that's not what I'm going to do at all. I will move him when he's 16 and left school.

In my opinion:

YABU and unrealistic to think that your STBXH should wait till DS is 18 before dating anyone.

YANBU to want to move away but you need to tread carefully here. When? Ideally not now as DS is presumably in his GCSE year, and not mid A levels either (although you have a window of opportunity next summer). Will DS mind? I imagine he'll be pretty upset?

For a bit more context - there's no way H will want any custody as his new life involves lots of socialising and doing the exact opposite of any parenting. In fact, he doesn't seem bothered at all about the kids and just wants to go. However, he'd love to be a part time parent and drop in when it suits him. There's also no way DS would choose him over me although I'd give him the choice and if he really wanted to stay with his current school then I'd have to accommodate.

I do not think you are being a hypocrite in many ways you are being hard on yourself

However, moving so far away when he is in his GCSE years, new school new friends - you could put your kid in a position where he ends up choosing to live with his dad

You've both decided to split up but he’s wanting to go sooner than you’d like, he’s not really breaking your family up he just wants to get gone sooner rather than later.

In fairness it’s usually worse to stay together until any DC reach 18. He may already have an inkling as to what’s going on. Have either of you spoken to him about it yet?

What’s the plan regarding your son’s schooling if you’re moving a few hours drive away?

I will leave after his GCSEs next summer so he can start a new sixth form

Sorry x post OP

I think the most important thing here is try and move away from words like "abandoning his child" and "responsible for breaking up the family". It's less about blame here, and more about accepting that this is the situation and communicating with DS and STBXH to find a way forward that works for all of you.

I think you need to consider what your DS future plans are, you say moving away would make you happy, but at 16 you DS could choose to live with his dad to stay near his friends, would YOU then be happy still? And happy travelling 2 hours to visit him?

He may be perfectly happy to move with you, but it’s not a guarantee and you should be focusing on his happiness as much as your own.

I think you should stay in the area, transition through through the separation then decide in a few years

OK this isn't quite going the way I was hoping as there is too much fixation on the school. The issue is not really about DS's school. He doesn't go to a great school and he doesn't like it and we would only go after GCSEs are finished anyway. He'd love going to a new college in a new town with new people in a smaller community. We live in the M25 corridor where there are gangs and stuff and I'm pretty sure he'd love to get away from it. The break between GCSE and A-level would be a great opportunity and he'd also get to know kids where his mum ends up living. It's a sensible plan.

Obvioulsy, however, the status quo is status quo and he won't miss what doesn't change if we stayed around.

The issue is with H and if by moving him I'm as culpible as H is for severing the relationship between them and DS having an absent father.

That's it. Not the school, or the place. Just the dad.