Am I just as bad?

[Optomystic]

Guys I need your help. STBXH and me are splitting up - we want different things. I totally accept this from our perspective, but we have a teenage son and this will devastate him.

STBXH is keen to move out asap and get on with his new life (he has dates lined up apparently). I can't really criticise although wish he could have gone about it better and waited until we had at least divorced, but I don't want to make a fuss as I don't want to do any patching up.

The thing I do take issue with, however, is that he is not willing to wait a couple of years until DS is of adult age. I'm being pretty critical about this and so are some of the people I'm confiding in too. I am claiming he is abandoning his child. However really he isn't he's just leaving me.

Withouth speaking to me he has gone ahead and assumed that we would sell the house and both stay local. From there he would obviously be able to see DS. But, due to my circumstances (I don't have family here and I don't really like the town where we are), I am planning on leaving the area and moving a couple of hours' drive away.

So, am I being a bit of a hipocrite? I am not instigating the divorce or separation as it seems his need to be free is greater than mine although I can't really hold that against him. This means he is responsible for breaking up our family whist DS is still at home.

However, I feel like my decision is the biggest thing that will really separate us, to the point where DS will hardly ever see his dad. I can't really take the moral high ground and claim that H is the one breaking up the family, can I?

I could stay around and live a lesser quality life for the couple of years left and be financially worse off and keep DS and H within visiting distance. But, I will not be happy.

Please help me sort out this moral dilemma as don't want to be seen as reeking revenge on H and making him feel bad for putting himself first now when under different circumstances I am prepared to put my feelings first when it suits me.

Let me know please.

YABU - and are as bad as H
YANBU - your reasons are not on the same scale of selfish - or something like that

You can move away.

Your ex can stop you taking ds and ds May choose not to go. It also appears he's in an important school year so that needs consideration.

i am not blackmailing him. How the heck do you get to that?

The thing is at the age of your DS it isn't so much about whether he can travel by train or not because unless he has extra needs then yes he can. I would assume that at his age it will be more a case of popping around when he feels like it rather than set weekends. And that won't be possible. No spontaneous cinema trips or anything like that, no dropping in for an hour before going out with mates. So yes moving will have a huge impact on their relationship

You have totally got it wrong. This is the exact opposite of the sentiment behind my post.

What does STBXH stand for ?

Soon to be ex husband as far as i understand it.

You really can't insist your STBXH stays married/in the same house until it suits you to split.

You are free to move, but you might find your DS doesn't want to move when push comes to shove (despite his school not being great)

I stayed in the same area for the sake of my kids and I am only moving now that the youngest has finished uni (I couldn't afford it when they were both at uni)

Good luck.

🤣. LOL. I won't say some of the possibilities I was thinking of 🙈

Unfortunately this is true. I stuck with living where we were, even though it was 200 miles from my family, because I thought the DC needed this kind of contact. They were teenagers when we split up, so a set contact schedule wasn't appropriate. They needed to come and go between us, and be able to call in and have supper with the fuckwit when they felt like it, not because there was a set arrangement. We're a long walk or short car journey from one another.

Thank you, most of you have helped me sort my head out a lot. I have eaten something which really helps me feel calmer too. I am redirecting my thinking and have asked H to tell me what his parenting expectations are. I will them apply mine and then we will consult DS who can help conclude the decision. First thing is to get H out of the house and let that sink in. I am going to hope that I can stay in the house for 2.5 years as that has to be the best thing for DS, and maybe present moving as an alternative. It’ll be up to him what we do. I think that is putting DS first.

If your ex truly has little to no interest in parenting even if you're living in the area, and moving away really is best for your children (having additional family support and more affordable living circumstances ultimately does benefit them) then I don't think you should agonise too much over moving away once the house is sold.

However you should probably check in with your kids about this and see how much it's going to bother them to only be able to see their dad at holidays or weekends. You've talked about your son but you've also mentioned 'kids' so presumably it's not just your DS?

I think you are overly focused on blame. You have talked about telling your ex that he's 'abandoning his child' and not wanting to be held 'equally responsible' for the breakup. Do you mean by your children? Society in general?

The breakup is a reality, one that you don't seem to dispute the need for. Forget about allocating blame for it occurring and focus on making choices for the future that will get the best results for you and your children together.

I just like to do the right thing so look at stuff from every angle. It’s a strategy that works quite well I find. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself and not have regrets and mitigate hurt for everyone.

there is another uni dc. Moving would bring me and DS closer to her by about 3 hours and I think she may find it a comfort.

but of course idk what anyone will think. I just want to explore all the pros and cons of possibilities and then be able to lay it out to all involved.

You sound as though your head is all over the place. You don't need to make a decision about this today or even this month. Take your time to adjust to what is happening and then you'll be in a better position to think clearly. DS deserves a relationship with both parents and for you both to facilitate that as much as you are able. He'll be grown up and independent soon enough. Having both his homes close to each other will keep him with what is familiar, and help him adjust - even the practicalities can be tricky till you get used to it, remembering sports kit or school books at which house and being able to swing by and grab them if forgotten.

I think my ex is a knob but making decisions based on the needs of my DS rather than what I think exh or I deserve generally gives results I don't regret/resent/feel guilty over. You may be the same when the initial shock subsides.

I do think your DS schooling and friends at this stage is more important than your DD at Uni as she's already decided and moved.

It's really easy to disrupt your DS life at this age

Have you spoken to your STBXH about how often he is planning to see your DS when he is living his 'new life'?

My exH moved out nearby but also did the dating thing straight away and got into a relationship very quickly. He then didn't want to/have time to see the kids that much, plus he works away quite often too.
Add in the fact that they don't really like his new partner and sometimes they only see him once a week at weekends. They message a lot though and I keep him well informed on what's going on with them etc so they do still have a relationship with him.

I think you could move for sixth form if your DS is up for it and it possibly won't bother your ex that much if he's planning on dating and having a new relationship - a visit once every other weekend and facetime/messaging regularly etc might be enough?

Be wary of making your life plans around your ex especially if he is prioritising his love life which is what it sounds like.

Definitely prioritise your DS but I would just be conscious of the fact that if your ex is planning to move on with another relationship, you might do all of this compromising for nothing because he won't have the time to see his DS that much.
Also his DS might struggle with the idea of his dating and new relationships, my own kids have struggled with their Dad doing this way more than I thought they would.

Thank you for your useful post. I asked STBX about his expectations earlier and said we should talk about it soon. I think your post sums up what I’m going over in my head. So far DH has expressed little interest over seeing the kids. He has said some things which suggest he doesn’t intend to accommodate them at all. But I have to hear it direct. From what my H is acting like I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up wanting to distance themselves from him anyway. I have a feeling in my gut he might be losing the plot a bit and, knowing what he’s like, I have to say I have moments of being a little bit worried about him when I’m not being worried for me and DCs. But I am probably not the best person to judge on anyone’s mental well being ATM!

If your child has 2 years until he’s an adult then surely you stay local and suck it up for 2yrs? It’s nothing. I’ve been sucking it up for 12yrs and have less than 3 to go. I live in the South east so have had to keep renting for years when I could buy when I move back up north. I did it so my kids could he close to their dad and also because schooling is better. For the sake of 2yrs (assume child is education somehow) then I’d just do it. My kids happiness trumps mine, even though that’s hard sometimes.

I have to say I have moments of being a little bit worried about him when I’m not being worried for me and DCs

Don't bother.

So if things went the way you'd planned, you'd both stay out til DE has finished school then split up and you'd move home.

The ex wanting to split now forces you to move two years early?

So it's the ex's fault he isn't letting you stay, surely.

Does he know that's the consequence of his choice?

So you are upset your husband won't live a lie till your child is an adult. But you are prepared to drag him away from his father and friends and upend iis life completely? Yeah, to be honest, I think that is worse. If you are worried about how your son will take it all, that is going to have much more impact than the divorce!

Well yes, but my H isn’t is he? I am prepped to stay in family setting till the end for sake of DS. I think personally both of us should. However, according to this thread, I’m being unreasonable expecting H to put off his dating for two years but I should be prepared to live a lonely existence and put off my move to be close to my family for two years. I am prepared to do anything for DS. Only thing is I need to start building a life too. It’s a bit unfair to expect me to put up whilst not expecting the same from H.

sorry, I know you have not specifically said this about DH but there is a consensus that H should be able to be happy whilst I am not.

I can see both sides of it.

My ex moved 40 minutes away and with primary-aged kids, it's a massive pain in the ass even though he has them less than 30 percent of the time. I don't understand why he couldn't have stayed in the same area until they were old enough to catch public transport to see him by themselves (high school age) but he loves to put himself first. He doesn't seem bothered by the fact he doesn't have equal parenting time (never did, to be honest).

I think its your DS who needs to have ultimate say. Two years isn't long for you to suck it up for if he feels he'd rather stay in one place for schooling and close to his friends.

But if his dad isn't terribly bothered about having much contact, and DS is happy to move, it's not up to you to stay close to your ex so he can have contact whenever he spontaneously feels like fulfilling his responsibility to be a dad and maintain a good relationship with his kids.

I do think you are being terribly controlling expecting your ex to not date. I can't understand at all what that has to do with parenting.

Nothing is stopping you from dating or making friends in your local area if you want to so I think you are being a bit of a martyr by saying you have to "live a lonely existence".

You're trying to make your sacrifice "fair" in your mind by trying to force him to make a sacrifice too, but you don't have any right to control an ex-partner in that way, just as he has no right to demand that you don't date.

so why should H get to move on with his life? If I am expected to compromise and stay put for two years why isn’t he? You are sympathising with him and his dilemma whilst using mine against me. That’s double standards.

This.
Don't worry about the house for now. Divorce takes a while, and STBXH will just have to wait to get his equity.
See a solicitor. It may need to go to mediation or even court. By that time DS may be 18 anyway.
Don't let STBXH rush you into putting the house on the market - take your time and get a good solicitor.

Even if the house is sold when DS is doing his A' level / equivalent course in your current area, that will only be a year or 18 months of renting before you go to the new area.

Slow down, take your time, don't let anyone rush you, and make plans to move after DS has finished his 16-18 Education.