Am I just as bad?

[Optomystic]

Guys I need your help. STBXH and me are splitting up - we want different things. I totally accept this from our perspective, but we have a teenage son and this will devastate him.

STBXH is keen to move out asap and get on with his new life (he has dates lined up apparently). I can't really criticise although wish he could have gone about it better and waited until we had at least divorced, but I don't want to make a fuss as I don't want to do any patching up.

The thing I do take issue with, however, is that he is not willing to wait a couple of years until DS is of adult age. I'm being pretty critical about this and so are some of the people I'm confiding in too. I am claiming he is abandoning his child. However really he isn't he's just leaving me.

Withouth speaking to me he has gone ahead and assumed that we would sell the house and both stay local. From there he would obviously be able to see DS. But, due to my circumstances (I don't have family here and I don't really like the town where we are), I am planning on leaving the area and moving a couple of hours' drive away.

So, am I being a bit of a hipocrite? I am not instigating the divorce or separation as it seems his need to be free is greater than mine although I can't really hold that against him. This means he is responsible for breaking up our family whist DS is still at home.

However, I feel like my decision is the biggest thing that will really separate us, to the point where DS will hardly ever see his dad. I can't really take the moral high ground and claim that H is the one breaking up the family, can I?

I could stay around and live a lesser quality life for the couple of years left and be financially worse off and keep DS and H within visiting distance. But, I will not be happy.

Please help me sort out this moral dilemma as don't want to be seen as reeking revenge on H and making him feel bad for putting himself first now when under different circumstances I am prepared to put my feelings first when it suits me.

Let me know please.

YABU - and are as bad as H
YANBU - your reasons are not on the same scale of selfish - or something like that

I agree op. He either agrees for you to stay in the family home. He can make alternative accommodation arrangements if he wishes you to stay close by.

However if he is pushing for a house sale, fine, you are well within your rights to move to an area you can afford.

Just watch out that ds doesn’t have a change of heart and decide to stay with his father/ friends. He might be supportive now but teens are notoriously fickle.

i don’t think you can tell him not to date for 2yrs, I mean I’m sure you could date where you live now if you want? At the end of the day, even if your DH is dating etc, I’d just focus on getting my kid through their GCSE and A levels and let the father get on with it. You don’t have to both make sacrifices so things are even. I think that’s totally unreasonable for you to suggest he puts his life on hold because you are. I’m holding out another 3yrs and wouldn’t date, as I don’t want my kids being around a step dad at this age (various reasons based on past experience) whereas my ex got married to someone he barely knew and moved her and her son (same age as our DD) into the home my kids go to half the week. All I can do is focus on being that stability and I know they will appreciate it in the future. Just focus on your son and what’s right for him, that’s all you can control. Sounds like your ex is going to move on very quickly but that doesn’t mean the right thing to do is up and leave so you can also have fun back home.

I'm not sympathising with your husband, I'm thinking about what would be best for your son. You said your husband plans to stay local to where you are currently. But you are wanting to move a couple of hours away with your son. I would have thought a big change for a teen like divorcing parents would be best if they were still able to stay in the same area and see both parents regularly (and friends too).
You've asked the question 'is it double standards' so my answer is yes, it is a bit. You are angry your stbxh won't do what you think is best for your son, but if he won't, you won't either.

I have said he can stay here and date so long as it’s away from the house. Where have I said I am stopping him from dating??? I’m not stopping him.

i don’t know why there is an undercurrent of animosity towards me. I’m not thinking moving DS away to be spiteful. Or to punish anyone. Why would anyone think I am? Obviously I’m not going to be able to force a 16 year old who is a foot taller than me into a car and drive him off or do anything he doesn’t want to do. But I acknowledge he may end up losing out on the DS/H bond and that is not what I want. Which is why I’m here and scoping it out before I pitch it as a serious option.

honestly. people are accusing me of blackmailing. Now I’m being ‘terribly controlling’ I haven’t said a peep to H or my DS so how am I being controlling for thinking things through thoroughly.

All your posts say the same thing: that this is about the equitable result between you and your DH. Yes you’re worried about DS and no you don’t want to mess him up - but if you really meant that you wouldn’t be saying things like “why should I put my life on hold when H gets to do whatever he wants”.

The same applies to your H, equally.

You’re both being extremely selfish.

Just because he is, doesn’t mean you should be in order to have equal rights to him (and vice versa).

You’re just messed up right now. Slow down. Both of you. To a large extent you DO have to take responsibility if your H is being a dick: YOU chose to marry him, YOU chose to have DC with this loser who’s more interested in his dick than his DC. That’s on you.

I agree with you. And this is why I posted this AIBU. Because I was also thinking what you have said and I wanted validation. Thank you.

Yes ad your dh himself needs to take some damn responsibility for his part in this terrible choice you are presented with, I can’t see him prioritising his son. At all. If he wants to compromise great, but otherwise it’s your choice.

Unfortunately, it isn't about you or your STBEx. It's about what's best for your son. Ideally you would both put him first - but if his father isn't able or willing to do this, he needs you to do it all the more.

Ffs we are NOT being selfish. We can’t be being selfish because nothing has happened! H is downstairs watching TV, I’m in my room and DS is in his room OBLIVIOUS. We are not selfish because I am on here talking through moral dilemmas so as to avoid any unnecessary pain when the time comes to act!

the only selfish behaviour so far has been H not waiting for a separation before kicking off his love life.

right this is triggering me and I just don’t need it tonight.

im off to do something else.

I know you have not specifically said this about DH but there is a consensus that H should be able to be happy whilst I am not.

Not one single person has said that.

And this is why I posted this AIBU. Because I was also thinking what you have said and I wanted validation. Thank you.

......... and yet you are getting upset because most people are pointing out that YABU. I mean, that is the thing about AIBU - people will be honest.

You want him to stay until your DC is adult and not shake up their life too much but at the same time plan to move 2 hours away and shake up your DCs life

Make it make sense!

But your H moving out isn't your H moving away from DS is it? He will still be close enough for DS to see him as often as he wants. You moving a few hours away will severely restrict how much time DS can spend with his Dad. And whilst DS may prefer you to his DF I imagine like most 16 year olds he prefers his mates to both of you. Which just might be enough for him to say I want to stay with Dad not move.

Sorry OP but you have had some really harsh comments on here tonight with people missing the point about what you were asking/saying.
Your stbx clearly isn't putting your DS' interests first if he is already planning his next shag. Whatever people tell you about being entitled to move on, parents happiness etc, it messes kids up when their parents don't wait before jumping into new relationships.
As I said before, I don't see that you need to compromise your future to facilitate your ex's relationship with his child when he isn't prioritising it himself.
If your DS is happy to move with you for sixth form then I think you should consider it and let his Dad date his way around the local area without his child having to witness it. It's only two hours away, it's not Outer Mongolia!

I wasn't trying to be nasty, just answer the question. It sounds like an all round crap situation for you. I can't begin to imagine how awful I would feel it DH just turned around and said to me that he wants a divorce and hurry up about it because he's got dates to be on! Your husband is being really shitty about it all. But I don't agree staying together till your son is an adult is a good solution either. I know I couldn't do that.
I can understand you wanting to move away, especially if you have connections somewhere else. I just really can't see that being what your son would want. But it's all theoretical at the moment so maybe you just need to wait until you've told him.