Am I just as bad?

[Optomystic]

Guys I need your help. STBXH and me are splitting up - we want different things. I totally accept this from our perspective, but we have a teenage son and this will devastate him.

STBXH is keen to move out asap and get on with his new life (he has dates lined up apparently). I can't really criticise although wish he could have gone about it better and waited until we had at least divorced, but I don't want to make a fuss as I don't want to do any patching up.

The thing I do take issue with, however, is that he is not willing to wait a couple of years until DS is of adult age. I'm being pretty critical about this and so are some of the people I'm confiding in too. I am claiming he is abandoning his child. However really he isn't he's just leaving me.

Withouth speaking to me he has gone ahead and assumed that we would sell the house and both stay local. From there he would obviously be able to see DS. But, due to my circumstances (I don't have family here and I don't really like the town where we are), I am planning on leaving the area and moving a couple of hours' drive away.

So, am I being a bit of a hipocrite? I am not instigating the divorce or separation as it seems his need to be free is greater than mine although I can't really hold that against him. This means he is responsible for breaking up our family whist DS is still at home.

However, I feel like my decision is the biggest thing that will really separate us, to the point where DS will hardly ever see his dad. I can't really take the moral high ground and claim that H is the one breaking up the family, can I?

I could stay around and live a lesser quality life for the couple of years left and be financially worse off and keep DS and H within visiting distance. But, I will not be happy.

Please help me sort out this moral dilemma as don't want to be seen as reeking revenge on H and making him feel bad for putting himself first now when under different circumstances I am prepared to put my feelings first when it suits me.

Let me know please.

YABU - and are as bad as H
YANBU - your reasons are not on the same scale of selfish - or something like that

You need to get legal advice before you're railroaded into anything.

Just because he wants the equity doesn't mean he'll get it right this minute

Having read this post and as you have said - completely disregarding any school stuff, I think yes, you would be just as culpable if not more so than exH for severing the relationship if you move away - KNOWING that if you did so, he wouldn’t have a relationship with his dad. Stick around for a couple of years, then move.

I agree with the PP that you need to reframe your thinking on this, however, I can see you feel conflicted. You blame your STBXH for ending the status quo whilst your DS is still at school but you are worried that you will ultimately feel / look like the 'bad guy' if you move away (as a consequence of STBXH ending the marriage) and that feels unfair to you.

I think you need to really try to not think about things in terms of who is 'at fault'. Can you discuss your feelings with your STBXH about wanting to move away for a better lifestyle? Would he consider letting you stay in the house until your DS is 18? I don't know anything about your broader situation but that is often settled upon in divorce hearings - might you be entitled to that as part of a settlement? I would suggest speaking to a solicitor to get a feel for what might be deemed reasonable.

I agree with most.
If you are splitting up, then it is right to do it now.
You've both agreed, so get on with the practicalities.

But I also agree with everyone else in terms of you seemingly dismissing your ds in all of this, and what his feeling are.
Yes, if he were 6, I would expect him to have to suck it up and move away from all his friends, but at 16 that is a very different story. Like most, I think you'd have to be prepared for him to choose to stay with his Dad, if you move after his GCSEs.

I haven't voted, as the vote / question doesn't really make sense to me.

If my priority was truely with DS then I'd stay local in order to keep them within distance. Moving away is for me

Well, that's your answer. If your priority is DS, then you won't move.

Divorce is shit. The best way you can get through this (and I sympathise, as mine is still rumbling on 8 years after the event) is to stop blaming and start working out a way to help your son to navigate his new reality with as little other upheaval as possible. Your STBX needs to work with you on this. If he is such a dick that he won't do it, I'm afraid you're going to have to do the donkey work because someone has to be advocating for your son. He will thank you for it in the longer term.

I sat my O levels when I was still 15 (31st August birthday)...

I think you should focus on your son and how you can support him during his important GCSE year, before you make any definitive decisions.

It was your ex’s decision to separate and yours to consider moving away, so there is an element of hypocrisy. Presumably, you can stay where you are for at least this academic year, so your son can finish year 11. Things may be clearer after that.

Who broke up with who?

I can’t help thinking that there is some tit for tat going on.

He’s already saying that’s he going to go and shag a load of women that are lining up for him and now you want to move away.

I think YABU to want him to wait years before he can move on with his life.

If you’ve separated then what’s the point in dragging it out.

But YANBU to move on with your life and if that means moving to your support system then that’s fine but it would be your responsibility to be the one who takes your son back to this area to see his dad if needed, although he’s old enough to get a train anyway.

I would just take it one day at a time though.
There’s no need to tell your DS or exDH about moving in a years time as you may get a job opportunity elsewhere or start a new relationship etc.

It doesn't matter what's best for you, it's about what's best for your son. You need to reframe your entire thinking.

Personally I’d wait. Wait till he’s uni age and then move. Wait till he can drive himself between the two homes.

It’s his fault. You deserve so much better.

I don't think your ex is doing anything wrong by wanting to separate if he is unhappy and I don't think it's reasonable to ask anyone to stay in a relationship that makes them miserable for another two or three years because their teenager isn't an adult yet. I wouldn't expect that of a woman and I wouldn't expect that of a man either.

Equally, I don't think it's unreasonable that you'd like to move to a different town a couple of hours away, if you hate where you currently live and moving would put you closer to your own family. Your ex shouldn't be 'expecting' you to remain local - he could, if he was worried about not seeing enough of DS, ultimately move to the same town as you to be near him.

Presumably, though, a move to somewhere 2 hours away will also mean uprooting DS from school and his friends, which is quite a big deal for a 15-year-old at any time, let alone when he's already dealing with his parents' divorce. Will he have completed his GCSEs by the time you move?

I think that in terms of the impact on your DS, you're probably about equal. But I also think that trying to assess who is the most at fault and who is going to cause the most damage is futile.

You sound punch drunk OP. That is totally understandable given the circumstances, but it's probably not the best time to make any life changing decisions. Hang on for the minute, until you can wrap your head around everything.

I’m sorry OP but yes you are just as bad if you move yourself & DS away.

It’s one of those situations where you need to pick a side, if you’re on the side of prioritising your DS hence your criticising DH for not waiting until he is 18, then you cannot also be selfish yourself and move 2 hours away. You either want your DS put first or not, so you can’t criticise his dad for not doing it and then do arguably worse yourself. The separation itself wouldn’t really impact your DS half as much as you putting 2 hours in the middle of his family.

I get why you want to move. But I actually think it's a bit of a shitty thing to do. If your h cheated on you then of course that's rubbish, but it doesn't mean he doesn't serves the chance to continue a decent relationship with his kid. And your DS might well think the same.
As you've said to him, it's not fair to do disrupt DS at this age. But there's a big difference between two people who are divorcing not living together anymore (but living nearish for the sake and ease of the kid) and one of them taking the kid and moving 2 hours away disturbing him and his relationship with his dad.

When I split up with my exh I had two under 10 and was in a similar position to you. No family, Living in an expensive area where I didn't really need to stay. But I never would have moved my DD's away from their Dad. I couldn't stand him at the time, but they could-he's there dad and they deserved to still be near him and see him as much as possible.

Op I hear what you see saying and you sound so distressed I am sorry this is so difficult.

Dh needs to agree to hold off on selling the family home until your son has completed his A levels.

YANBU for wanting to move, YABU for expecting your STBXDH not to date for another two years.

This is dh being very difficult and insisting on selling the house that is causing the issue. He can still live there in another room, with ground rules around guests, that would be putting your son first. They finish in May 2025 so the house could go on the market at the end of next year, giving you time to relocate. DS goes to uni and dh then can buy his mid life crisis party pad and crack on.

I think I would ignore his socialising or dating. I doubt very much he has gallantly waited anyway!

You can negotiate this.
Dh can date outside the family house and sleep elsewhere.
You can plan to relocate
DS has stability across key exams
House is sold when ds finishes his exams

This. And I don't think that looking for one or the other of you to be 'better' or 'worse' than the other is helpful. All you can do is work out how to be good (co-parents). If you can provide better for your son, and be a more supported human being by moving house then that may well be the right thing.

Op, no advice, but I just wanted to say I've been where you are (without children though).... and I completely sympathise with you

Your soon to be ex-husband sounds like a selfish prick, and you sound like you're still in shock.

It's taken me a couple of years to get over the end of my marriage, so I would only advise that you give yourself plenty of time, be kind to yourself and make sure you put you and your child first..... Don't do anything hasty for now...

Best of luck x

Your brain is in overdrive which is understandable. Let your husband move out now. Your son will finish his GCSEs next may/June so you have plenty of time to see how contact between your DS and his father pans out. You and DS can look at colleges both where you live now and where you want to move too and then make a joint decision nearer the time. At 16 your son is going to start becoming more independent in any case.

@Optomystic

Forgive me if I've got this wrong, but you seem to be saying a lot about what DS 'would/would not want'. I think the best thing to do would be to sit him down and ask him. Not in a 'Who do you want to live with, who do you love more, me or Daddy?" way but a calm even casual "Now that you know Dad and I are splitting up, I've had thoughts of moving near Gran/the beach/Bali. What would you think of that? It would be a big change for both of us and we'd need to give it some thought. I wouldn't do it if both of us don't think it's a good move".

The other thing is that if DH wants to go, he needs to move on his own timetable. As far as the house sale, you need to see a solicitor. Only a solicitor can give you the real scoop on how that might work (and how long) in your case.