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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I just as bad?

114 replies

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 15:35

Guys I need your help. STBXH and me are splitting up - we want different things. I totally accept this from our perspective, but we have a teenage son and this will devastate him.

STBXH is keen to move out asap and get on with his new life (he has dates lined up apparently). I can't really criticise although wish he could have gone about it better and waited until we had at least divorced, but I don't want to make a fuss as I don't want to do any patching up.

The thing I do take issue with, however, is that he is not willing to wait a couple of years until DS is of adult age. I'm being pretty critical about this and so are some of the people I'm confiding in too. I am claiming he is abandoning his child. However really he isn't he's just leaving me.

Withouth speaking to me he has gone ahead and assumed that we would sell the house and both stay local. From there he would obviously be able to see DS. But, due to my circumstances (I don't have family here and I don't really like the town where we are), I am planning on leaving the area and moving a couple of hours' drive away.

So, am I being a bit of a hipocrite? I am not instigating the divorce or separation as it seems his need to be free is greater than mine although I can't really hold that against him. This means he is responsible for breaking up our family whist DS is still at home.

However, I feel like my decision is the biggest thing that will really separate us, to the point where DS will hardly ever see his dad. I can't really take the moral high ground and claim that H is the one breaking up the family, can I?

I could stay around and live a lesser quality life for the couple of years left and be financially worse off and keep DS and H within visiting distance. But, I will not be happy.

Please help me sort out this moral dilemma as don't want to be seen as reeking revenge on H and making him feel bad for putting himself first now when under different circumstances I am prepared to put my feelings first when it suits me.

Let me know please.

YABU - and are as bad as H
YANBU - your reasons are not on the same scale of selfish - or something like that

OP posts:

Original poster

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 16:07

sandyhappypeople · 11/09/2023 16:04

I think you need to consider what your DS future plans are, you say moving away would make you happy, but at 16 you DS could choose to live with his dad to stay near his friends, would YOU then be happy still? And happy travelling 2 hours to visit him?

He may be perfectly happy to move with you, but it’s not a guarantee and you should be focusing on his happiness as much as your own.

I think you should stay in the area, transition through through the separation then decide in a few years

No I wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't leave him.

OP posts:

CalistoNoSolo · 11/09/2023 16:12

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 15:55

I would never do this. Please see previous response. I am planning it so he can finish up here and then start a new life with new friends in a new town nearer other family.

Show quote history

So you wouldn't dream of making him move 2hrs away at 15, but at 16 it will be fine and make no difference to him? You're delusional. If you really wanted to do the right thing for your child you would stay put until he goes to university.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 11/09/2023 16:19

The issue is with H and if by moving him I'm as culpible as H is for severing the relationship between them and DS having an absent father.

Surely that goes without saying? The main thing preventing your son from having a physically close relationship with his dad will be the distance between them. Now obviously people have very successful relationships despite large distances between them, but being 2 hours apart will limit how active his dad can be in his life.

My parents divorced when I was young, and by 16 I didn’t often sleep over at my dad’s anymore. But I would quite often pop round for tea after college, or he’d meet me on my lunch break from my weekend job. That wouldn’t have been possible with a 4 hour round trip.

ButterflyOil · 11/09/2023 16:21

Your son is almost 16, it’s only a couple of hours, surely they can keep in touch electronically and have regular visits?! It’s not like he’s a toddler. And as for socialising - well you can both do that, your son will be in sixth form before you know it.

Im honestly not sure what you want from this thread - it’s not about blame and who is worse surely, it’s about attempting to co-parent and support your son as life changes post divorce.

PerfectMatch · 11/09/2023 16:21

The reason that posters are fixating on the school is that they're thinking of it from your DS's point of view which is the really important thing here. If he's really happy to move schools and leave his friends and not see his dad as often, then that's fine and I don't think you should worry too much about your STBXH's opinion on whether or not you're doing the right thing. But are you sure DS won't mind?

cruffinsmuffin · 11/09/2023 16:22

I think when your DS is older, if this move doesn't go as swimmingly as you're imagining it (it'll be hard potentially to break into established friendship groups in college, and he'll never have the history they have with older friends) he might resent you for it.

If my mum had moved me away for college, several hours away from my friends + where I grew up, I'd probably be quite miffed - especially if I was able to make new friends / continue on with life as normal.

It would potentially be an easy blame situation too if he doesn't see much of his dad or end up with a good relationship with him - it's easy to focus on you being the one to move him away and potentially isolating him from the life he has now, especially if him or his father are bad at LDR.

If it's 2+ hours each way it's not an easy day trip to spend time together, you're creating a situation where it will always have to be planned visits / cost a fair bit of money in transport and it removed that opportunity for them to have an easier relationship, if you're local there's the chance to just grab tea together or go do something together on the spur of the moment, even pop round for a chat about things. All of a sudden that's not a possibility due to a decision you would be making now. So yes putting a several hour journey between your son and his dad could be seen to be to blame for their lack of relationship. I know I feel that way about my mum sometimes when she made a similar decision with my dad!

3luckystars · 11/09/2023 16:26

You think your husband leaving is disruptive, well moving hours away at age 15 will be even more disruptive! I know you are upset but I don’t think you are thinking straight.

Do you think children are happier when their parents are married? If so then that’s only when the parents were HAPPY and not the way you describe it. It sounds awful.

if you think your husband should be able to wait a few years then so should you.

I don’t think you should move, no. I think you should stay in the house you are in until your son is 18.

financialcareerstuff · 11/09/2023 16:27

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 15:53

Yeah, but as you say he is leaving me and not our son. I am not sure I can claim he's abandoning his DS and that that will ruin him and then take him far away on my account. If my priority was truely with DS then I'd stay local in order to keep them within distance. Moving away is for me.

Why would you want to claim he's abandoning DS?

You seem to have a strong need to be the victim/ for your husband to be the bad guy... yet you don't seem bothered that he's leaving- and don't want to patch it up.... sounds like it was a pretty mutually bad relationship?

How would it feel for you to reframe - accept it mutually hasn't worked, and that the two of you now will work together to give your son Consistency and make sure his relationship to both his parents is maintained?

Nottodaty · 11/09/2023 16:28

Have you properly had a conversation with your son. I think it’s such an important age even post GCSE’s he will be quite isolated.

My friends moved away when their son was 16 post GCSE. Thinking he’d make friends with new people at college. He lasted just under a year,dropped out of college, moved back to his older sister house (living in her shed basically) and just re-started a year behind but at the same college as his friends. He was very unhappy :( He has seen his parents twice since June. They only live 2 hours away.

itsmyp4rty · 11/09/2023 16:33

You say splitting up will devastate your son - but moving him 2 hours away from his dad to somewhere where he knows no one and has to start a new school will be fine by him?

GingerIsBest · 11/09/2023 16:34

Why are you so fixated on blame? You're blaming your H for splitting up your family and you really really want to be able to do that. And so you're concerned that if you're also to blame, then you can't blame him for leaving?

Stop thinking about blame. start thinking about what is definitely going to happen and what might happen. On the might happen list, consider what is best for you and your DS.

So, moving to be closer to his extended maternal family, a new (better?) school and an area he will like more (if that's truly how he'll feel) does not necessarily mean a destroyed relationship with his dad, especially at this age. An additional factor to consider is whether or not his dad will be that interested or involved even if you stay close - it is implied that in fact, that would NOT be the case in which case moving away is arguably a better choice.

In many cases, as lots of PP have pointed out, moving away WOULD be a bad idea and would limit the child's relationships with dad, other family, friends etc. But the way you describe it, that seems less likely.

Original poster

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 16:40

i think i'm a bit fucked up mentally tbh - this has only just happened and I'm getting really mixed up and focusing on all the wrong things. i don't know what i'm doing.

OP posts:

Vinrouge4 · 11/09/2023 16:42

I think if your son is happy to move after his exams then go for it. He will be 16 and will be old enough to get a train by himself to visit his dad. Your stbx is already mapping out his life without you and you deserve some happiness too.

Disloyal · 11/09/2023 16:48

Your tone is really odd.

i think you need to process the split and then think about future options.

My kids would have hated to lose their ‘history’ and start sixth form somewhere completely new. Does your son have mo roots or friends at all?

Original poster

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 16:50

Vinrouge4 · 11/09/2023 16:42

thank you - this is so messed up. H is moving on coz he wants to get on with his life. Fair enough. But I surely deserve to as well I don't know why I think I have to carry all the responsibility and put my needs on hold and be the sole carer of our son. I keep forgetting that H needs to do his bit. It's like, oh okay then go and shag other people whilst I am at home keeping the status quo going for everyone's benefit by my own.

If I stay then H will need to do his share of childcare responsbility - and arrangement needs to be made. If he forces me to sell family home which he wants to do asap, then I don't have any choice but to move after DS exams as won't be able to afford to live here, unless H pays maintenance. H wants to sell the house asap so he can get the equity. When I think about it this is soooooo complicated - if we are to part it everything is fair.
1.

OP posts:

BrokenBonesStixStones · 11/09/2023 16:51

In this whole process DS must be puts first and above both you & your STBXH’s wants. As parents we someday have to sacrifice

that said I do understand how hard it must be for you in this situation, (I would feel the exact same as you in this situation) you have my sympathies and best wishes for the future

Original poster

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 16:53

Disloyal · 11/09/2023 16:48

Your tone is really odd.

i think you need to process the split and then think about future options.

My kids would have hated to lose their ‘history’ and start sixth form somewhere completely new. Does your son have mo roots or friends at all?

Please don't be mean. I have had no sleep for days and no one to talk to so I am relying on MN to help me sort through issues. I just need some guidance as to what decisions need to be made and when. I don't want to look back in a few years and see that I got things wrong, like moving DS away when it's only for my benefit and not his.

OP posts:

PerfectMatch · 11/09/2023 16:54

OP it's early days for you - it's not surprising that your head is all over the place. Before you finalise anything with your ex, maybe you should go to counselling for yourself to talk all this through with someone.

RedHelenB · 11/09/2023 17:01

CalistoNoSolo · 11/09/2023 15:53

I think moving your 15yo 2hrs from his friends and school during the first year of gcse's is beyond shitty. You say its not OK for his father to move out, but what you're proposing has the potential to really fuck him over.

This. You need to stay local at least until the end of gcses.

Hufflepods · 11/09/2023 17:04

It’s selfish to threaten him with ‘barely seeing his son’ if he separates with you because you will move several hours away. It’s not only selfish but blackmail.

StressBless · 11/09/2023 17:10

I don’t think apportioning culpability is helpful to anyone, there are 2 separate issues:

You and your DH separating
Where you live after you separate

I think you also need to accept your DS will have an opinion on where he wants to live and you can’t necessary assume it’ll be with you. He’s almost an adult, you need to include him in the discussions so he’s not just presented with a decision on his future with no say on it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 11/09/2023 17:10

I wouldn't tell your husband about moving away as he could apply for a prohibited steps order to stop you.

CrackedChina · 11/09/2023 17:13

I think after telling the children about the split, I would ask them if they want to stay local and finish their schooling there or if they like the idea of moving to your home place. I would respect their decision and if they wanted to stay and postpone moving away until the youngest was in college. Your ex's views wouldn't concern me. Your children and yourself are a family unit now and need to make a decision together on where you live. They may well like the idea of a new start elsewhere. Or not.

CaroleSinger · 11/09/2023 17:18

He isn't abandoning his son. Why the fixation on that? You're just splitting up and your son will still have 2 parents. Moving hours away is of course going to be a challenge with contact. But I think you know that already and moving that distance isn't just for a better life. I think you also want to put distance between you and your ex, that's understandable but don't use your son for leverage here it isn't fair. Stop telling your friends he is abandoning his son.

Nanny0gg · 11/09/2023 17:21

Optomystic · 11/09/2023 15:47

DS is 15. Oh I am aware and think that he may have been a philanderer and a bit of a perve all the time we've been together. But I don't want to go there as would probs be too horrific. He hasn't the back bone and is far too lazy to take action against me. He'll be too distracted anyway with his 'new life'.

Surely your DS has just started his GCSE years?

Why move schools and him away from his friends?

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