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Original poster

Contact time with step son

119 replies

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:06

I’m after some opinions please.

My partner of 2.5 years has a 7 year old son with his ex.

He picks him up from school on a Weds, has tea stays a few hours and then goes back to his mums.

He then picks him up from school on a Friday and he stays the weekend with us until around 7pm Sunday night. My partner works every Friday and Saturday night from 6pm - 1am whilst also working Mon - Fri 5am - 4pm ish. I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.

Recently SS has joined a football club. This means my partner now also picks him up from school on a Thursday takes him to practice has tea etc then goes back to his mums at 7pm ish. Every Saturday morning he goes to football practice and now every Sunday morning there is a football tournament until about 12pm.

I love that my partner has found something SS is passionate about and something they can bond over but I can’t help feeling that I’m now last on his list of priorities. With us both working full time and my partner working the second job on the weekend we never have quality time together. Sunday is really the only day we usually have off together. Now football dictates the day. We literally have a Monday and Tuesday night to ourselves and partner usually finishes work has a bath and falls asleep on the sofa. Every other night is dictated by SS/ football.

I want to know how do I being this up to my partner without sounding like the jealous horrible step mum stereotype? We’ve had several conversations about me not wanting to babysit every weekend whilst he is at work all of which have never really been resolved. Now football is in the picture I feel even more like I’m just a handy live in babysitter and not a partner. It feels like our relationship is last on the list of his priorities. Please help!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2023 11:10

He’s treating you like unpaid staff. It’s completely normal to not be okay with that. I’m not sure why you agreed to it in the first place? Who was looking after his son while he worked before he roped you into doing it? It’s his son, not yours. What would he do if you said no or the two of you broke up?

You’re not being jealous, you’re resisting being taken for a mug.

SeulementUneFois · 11/09/2023 11:13

Fuck that.
He's completely taking advantage of you.

In the immediate term, tell him that you'll be out each evening/ day he has SS and then do it. Let him sort it out, don't give in to emotional blackmail - go anywhere you can, ideally go to friends or family.

But in general - dump him as he's completely taking advantage of you.

Blough · 11/09/2023 11:14

He saw you coming 😄 providing childcare from the start is ridiculous, don’t date men who try to palm their kids off on to their girlfriend. The child is there for contact with his father. If the man isn’t there, the schedule should be adjusted for when he is free to parent.

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:15

@AnneLovesGilbert Before I came along he was furloughed with the weekend job so childcare wasn’t an issue. Prior to that he was still with his ex so again no issues.

He’s always said if you want to go out or have plans he will find alternative childcare but this would only be the odd night here and there never a permanent thing. The second job has to stay for financial reasons. I’ve asked for one weekend off a month but the ex has basically said no she will not have their son one weekend a month. The childcare although a problem is kinda just carrying on in the background. I’m just a bit hurt that I’ve brought it up 3 times and it’s not been resolved and now he’s started this football club we have even less time together. I don’t know how to show my partner how this affects me without sounding like a spoilt jealous brat.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 11/09/2023 11:17

make sure you "have plans" every weekend for 2 months and then revisit.

However. It isn't right for the NRP to have all the weekends and the RP doesn't get any. That needs to change, when does the child's mother get to do the fun stuff?

Pollyputhekettleon · 11/09/2023 11:19

Why does his ex not want her own son any weekend? You're not related to this child and you're not getting paid for this. You shouldn't need to be asking anyone for 'a weekend off a month'.

Blough · 11/09/2023 11:20

Stop putting yourself down, you’re not a ‘spoilt, jealous brat’, he’s refusing to parent his kid, and using you for free childcare, you should be angry. Well, you should have stopped dating him once he commenced using you.

FloweryWowery · 11/09/2023 11:20

You don't have a partner really do you. Even on your rare time together he sleeps. He gains from this relationship with free childcare. What do you get? Do you not think you're worth more than this?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/09/2023 11:21

Brefugee · 11/09/2023 11:17

make sure you "have plans" every weekend for 2 months and then revisit.

However. It isn't right for the NRP to have all the weekends and the RP doesn't get any. That needs to change, when does the child's mother get to do the fun stuff?

It doesn't sound like the mother wants her son at the weekend - I don't think the dad is dictating that he does all the "fun stuff".

OP, this man saw you coming. You aren't his partner - you are his free childcare. How soon after getting together did you move in together? Must have been pretty damn quickly.

I'm sorry, but this isn't the relationship you think it is. If I were you, I'd look at separating.

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:22

@Brefugee i think that’s all I can do now and I’ve told him 3 times and he’s asked the ex she’s said no and he’s kind of just said oh sorry it’s a no. Why should my life be dictated by his ex? I wish he had more of a backbone and told her something needs to change. She never sees their son for quality time as he is always at school or sleeping when she has him. I don’t understand how as a mother she wouldn’t want to have some quality time with him.

I don’t have much of a life outside of partner work and SS but I think I need to change that ASAP. Maybe he sees me as to available because I’ve moved away from family and friends to be with him.

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 11/09/2023 11:26

That poor kid. You're absolutely being used and you need to move back where you came from and get your own life back. What does your DP say about why the boy's mother doesn't want to see him? It sounds like there's been almost no discussion of this, as if it's some kind of normal behaviour, and it's not.

Beamur · 11/09/2023 11:27

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:22

@Brefugee i think that’s all I can do now and I’ve told him 3 times and he’s asked the ex she’s said no and he’s kind of just said oh sorry it’s a no. Why should my life be dictated by his ex? I wish he had more of a backbone and told her something needs to change. She never sees their son for quality time as he is always at school or sleeping when she has him. I don’t understand how as a mother she wouldn’t want to have some quality time with him.

I don’t have much of a life outside of partner work and SS but I think I need to change that ASAP. Maybe he sees me as to available because I’ve moved away from family and friends to be with him.

It's convenient to blame the ex. Her no isn't your problem, it's the child's Dad's issue to resolve.
I think you need to point out to him how little you are getting out of this situation - if he doesn't resolve it, that will be a whole bunch more childcare he has to sort.
Put your foot down and stop being taken advantage of.

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:28

@FloweryWowery I think I’ve probably lost a bit of myself whilst trying to be everything to everyone. I don’t know why I’ve put myself down really I used to be so independent and strong it’s quite sad really.

I think I am worth more than this but each time I’ve brought it up it seems the only way things will change is if we break up and leave. I really don’t want to, I love them both a lot but if my partner isn’t able to even try a new arrangement what others choices am I left with?

OP posts:
Blough · 11/09/2023 11:29

Just dump him, you get one life and you’re throwing yours away, prostrating yourself before your boyfriend who isn’t even into you. Come on.

Pollyputhekettleon · 11/09/2023 11:31

You may love him, but would you treat someone you loved the way he's treating you? No.

Blough · 11/09/2023 11:43

These blokes always follow the same script once they know the game is up. ‘Don’t you love my child?’ (Doesn’t he? Why does he palm him off?) ‘I love you’, might even muster a little tear or two. Talk is cheap. Believe his consistent actions and choices he’s done from the start.

Whitestickers · 11/09/2023 11:45

When you said he needs the weekend job for the money, did you as a couple decide that he needed to work all these extra hours on top of a Mon - Fri job? It doesn’t sound a lot of fun for him tbh. If you did agree was the trade off for him bringing in more money you looking after SS? If not can he just stop the weekend work?

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:48

@Whitestickers Hes done it for the last 15 years so long before me or his son. Now more than ever it is needed with the cost of living. I contribute to bills food etc just not the mortgage as my name is not on it at the moment. I’ve asked is the 2nd job necessary and he assures me it is although I’ve offered to give him more money to drop one night at least and suggested he get rid of his £400 a month finance car to save money. Then I’m torn because he works so hard he should have something nice to show for it right?

OP posts:
Testina · 11/09/2023 11:58

“This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met. “

You have been his free babysitter 2 nights a week for years, and you say he needs a backbone?! 😆

M Come on, he’s taking the piss!

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 12:03

@Testina Fair point. Maybe I’ve just become weak and don’t want to be that stereotypical selfish nasty Stepmum. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I met him. My God, was I just naieve? This is so much harder than I ever imagined.

OP posts:
FloweryWowery · 11/09/2023 12:26

It gets worse! You're a lodger in his house, you have no security. He could potentially cut down his outgoings and give up the weekend work but he won't because you're facilitating it by caring for his DC. And you're trying to give him more money!!

SillyBilly1993 · 11/09/2023 12:28

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position OP.

I think you need to explain to your partner that you need more time for you. Try to find an exercise class, book club, or some other new hobby that you could do on a Friday night. Try to reach out to friends or family so that you are out on a Saturday night. Explain that him and his partner will need to find an alternative and long term childcare arrangement for those times.

And then I would also ask him when he plans for the two of you to spend quality time together. Come up with a list of ideas for dates together - the cinema, local walks, restaurants. Ask him what dates he is available, and if he isn’t available for any then ask how he thinks that this relationship will work if you never have any quality alone time. Make it clear that if he won’t set time aside for you then he is effectively ending the relationship, which is very sad and not what you want, but obviously you can’t date someone that you barely see.

You’re not selfish for not wanting to provide free childcare to a couple who seem incapable of looking after their own child, and for wanting alone time with your partner. ‘Do not let his wants eclipse your needs’!

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 11/09/2023 12:31

Surely the point of the child having contact time with his father is so that the father and son can spend time together, not so that the child can spend time with his father’s partner?

If it’s necessary to have a second/weekend job, I’d rather work myself and let my partner spend time with his son.

Brefugee · 11/09/2023 12:32

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/09/2023 11:21

It doesn't sound like the mother wants her son at the weekend - I don't think the dad is dictating that he does all the "fun stuff".

OP, this man saw you coming. You aren't his partner - you are his free childcare. How soon after getting together did you move in together? Must have been pretty damn quickly.

I'm sorry, but this isn't the relationship you think it is. If I were you, I'd look at separating.

Show quote history

i didn't suggest the dad was insisting on it. Conversely it is the usual complaint (from mums) that if the non-resident father gets all the weekends they never get to do the fun stuff with them, just the daily grind.

My impression here is not that though (i was tying to give mum the benefit of the doubt). My impression is that neither of the child's parents CBA to look after him or make proper arrangements from him and OP is too nice to say "no".

Hence i think she should be unavailable for solo childcare and literally force the parents to get their heads out of their arses and parent their child. Poor lad

Brefugee · 11/09/2023 12:33

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:22

@Brefugee i think that’s all I can do now and I’ve told him 3 times and he’s asked the ex she’s said no and he’s kind of just said oh sorry it’s a no. Why should my life be dictated by his ex? I wish he had more of a backbone and told her something needs to change. She never sees their son for quality time as he is always at school or sleeping when she has him. I don’t understand how as a mother she wouldn’t want to have some quality time with him.

I don’t have much of a life outside of partner work and SS but I think I need to change that ASAP. Maybe he sees me as to available because I’ve moved away from family and friends to be with him.

oh dear. I did kind of wonder.

Leave now. Go back to where your friends are. Grow that backbone, for your own good. Please please don't say you're planning a family with him

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