Page 2 | Contact time with step son

Chloe442 · 2023-09-11T10:06:04+00:00

I’m after some opinions please. My partner of 2.5 years has a 7 year old son with his ex. He picks him up from school on a Weds, has tea stays a few hours and then goes back to his mums. He then picks him up from school on a Friday and he stays the weekend with us until around 7pm Sunday night. My partner works every Friday and Saturday night from 6pm - 1am whilst also working Mon - Fri 5am - 4pm ish. I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work. This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met. Recently SS has joined a football club. This means my partner now also picks him up from school on a Thursday takes him to practice has tea etc then goes back to his mums at 7pm ish. Every Saturday morning he goes to football practice and now every Sunday morning there is a football tournament until about 12pm. I love that my partner has found something SS is passionate about and something they can bond over but I can’t help feeling that I’m now last on his list of priorities. With us both working full time and my partner working the second job on the weekend we never have quality time together. Sunday is really the only day we usually have off together. Now football dictates the day. We literally have a Monday and Tuesday night to ourselves and partner usually finishes work has a bath and falls asleep on the sofa. Every other night is dictated by SS/ football. I want to know how do I being this up to my partner without sounding like the jealous horrible step mum stereotype? We’ve had several conversations about me not wanting to babysit every weekend whilst he is at work all of which have never really been resolved. Now football is in the picture I feel even more like I’m just a handy live in babysitter and not a partner. It feels like our relationship is last on the list of his priorities. Please help!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2023 12:33

Maybe I’ve just become weak and don’t want to be that stereotypical selfish nasty Stepmum

Can you please stop saying this? It’s very offensive and it’s not a choice between being horrible and being a doormat.

I’ve been a step mum for a long time, I wouldn’t tolerate DH expecting me to have his kids on my own every weekend so he can behave like he has no responsibilities - am I s stereotypical selfish nasty stepmum?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 11/09/2023 12:36

Love I’m sorry but he’s using you. You shouldn’t be looking after your ss every weekend. He’s earning extra money while taking advantage of you. I honestly think you should leave and go back to your friends and family. He doesn’t deserve you.

itsmylife7 · 11/09/2023 12:36

You moved to be with him.
You spend ever weekend looking after ss.
He works ever weekend until 1am.
He falls asleep after work.
And you're not on the mortgage !

What exactly are you getting from this relationship OP ?

I hope you're not planning kids with this guy ?

caringcarer · 11/09/2023 12:47

If he is seeing his son 2 evenings a week anyway why not have his son sleep over those nights and every other weekend? You have no security at all if the house in your partner's name. On one of the 2 evenings his son is there, go out for a walk. Let your partner get his son's dinner. Also go out for the whole day Sunday. You could go to a National Trust or English Heritage building. They have some lovely stately homes and castles. You could travel on the train and have yourself a little adventure. Leave your partner to sort out his son. He is not your responsibility. He has said just tell him if you want to go out so he can sort some childcare. Take him up on it. I'd also be telling him you want to be taken out on Monday evenings for a meal, cinema visit, Xmas shopping or whatever but you're not prepared to stay home babysitting or watching him sleep all the time. Life is passing you by.

jeaux90 · 11/09/2023 12:48

You are being taken the piss out of.

The contact arrangements are batshit.

Week on week off would be a better compromise.

And just stop doing it, you are acting like his support human!

I'd be moving out and moving on.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2023 13:08

This isn’t something that can carry on!

The football thing sounds positive to me - your P and son spending quality time together.

However, you having to do all that childcare is ridiculous. What does he mean “sorry it’s a no”? It’s not your job to do, for him or his ex to kindly cover if they fancy it. You’re not his parent!

Your partner needs to arrange proper childcare if he wants to work this second job. Or not do it and take the financial hit. Or rearrange how the contact works with his ex - it does seem odd for one parent to have no weekend time. When does she get to enjoy her son’s company? He could always still do the football stuff picking your SS up from his ex/ SS’s Mum on the day.

** just edited a small typo

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 11/09/2023 13:11

Why not arrange to go and visit your family/ friends at the weekend?
It sounds like you always work Mon-Fri, so why not make some plans to meet up with your friends on some Friday evenings? Then your SS's parents will have to arrange childcare for him - either one of them looks after him or they hire in a babysitter - instead of relying on you. You can come home on Sunday am if you want to spend time with your partner and SS together, or Sunday night otherwise.

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:15

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

velvetstars · 11/09/2023 13:22

This sounds like a nightmare. I'd be out of there like a shot.

The time you waste on this guy, is time wasted finding someone who is ready to commit to you as a partner rather than using you as an au pair.

He must think he's got it made - "he deserves nice things as he works so hard", the hell he does! Sounds like you're doing the donkey work raising someone else's child whilst the actual parents continue their lives without a care - both can and do make weekend plans (every week!) whilst you're at home looking after their child.

Madness. Time to leave OP. I couldn't respect a man who does this - he will never change, you will always be the bottom of his list. If you stay with him, know that you're choosing this.

Wannabesingle · 11/09/2023 13:26

He is taking advantage of you. Him, not his ex. You need to say no to childcare. If his ex says no that’s his issue, he doesn’t get to make it your issue. He doesn’t get to just say sorry, she said no. You don’t owe him childcare, it’s not your child and not your responsibility.
Do you pay for yourself? I hope it’s not a case of him paying the mortgage and you the bills as you have no security in the house. If he’s financially supporting you in exchange for some childcare that’s a bit different but still doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility.
You may be called the mean selfish stepmother, that’s often thrown around if women try to assert their boundaries. It’s a way of guilting them into taking on responsibilities that aren’t theirs to take on. It doesn’t mean it’s true. And I would rather be that than a doormat anyway.

Blough · 11/09/2023 13:26

Nah. OP is not a stepmother, she’s a live in maid service and free childcare, with less rights than a lodger. The child has two parents whose responsibility it is to provide parenting. Sadly, I suspect she’ll still be pandering to her disinterested boyfriend years from now.

Blough · 11/09/2023 13:30

@RocketIceLollie how is OP ‘facilitating the father son relationship’ by allowing the man to barely ever see his kid? The boyfriend is making a complete fool of her, and she’s allowing it.

Wannabesingle · 11/09/2023 13:32

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:15

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

No there’s no you must in it. She found a boyfriend who happens to have a child, that doesn’t mean she’s responsible for that child. Unless you created them or adopted them they aren’t your responsibility. She literally and legally doesn’t have parental responsibility.
She may choose to help out or she may choose not to, neither are wrong. As long as she is kind to the child and doesn’t get between the father’s relationship with the child or make things more difficult for the child then she’s doing fine.

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 11/09/2023 13:33

You are actually paying him to look after his child. If you split you will have nothing . So get out now and start building a life for yourself.

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2023 13:35

*I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.*

How the hell did this come about? You have up your wknds for his kids as soon as you met?! 🤔

Your boyfriend needs to give up his wknd job.

HarpieDuJour · 11/09/2023 13:35

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:15

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

This is nonsense. OP shouldn't even have been introduced to the child for months, but she was looking after him almost from the start of the relationship. There are no "duties" that she is failing to perform.

Once they were living together, she had a responsibility to be kind and welcoming to the child, but being a stepmother (or the unmarried partner of a man with a child) carries no responsibility beyond basic human decency. This boy has parents, who have legal and moral obligations to him. His parents are letting him down by using OP as a free babysitter.

Currently, only the parents are benefitting. They are getting to pick and choose when they want to parent their joint child. The child is being palmed off to an unrelated and unwilling babysitter, and the OP is resentful because she is being taken advantage of.

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2023 13:37

I’ve asked for one weekend off a month but the ex has basically said no she will not have their son one weekend a month

The pair of them are taking the piss. Honestly I'd move out.

Pinkdelight3 · 11/09/2023 13:40

*I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.*

Wow, he saw you coming! You can't make him have a backbone with her, but you can certainly have more of a backbone with him. One of this boy's parents needs to look after him at the w/e not you. It's easy for him to say he'll get alt childcare, will be interesting to see him actually sort that out and not rely on you. His mum should obviously have her own DC for more weekends (than none) but you've got no control over her. This isn't your problem to sort out, just withdraw from the arrangements and let them sort it out between them.

Naunet · 11/09/2023 13:47

Oh for god sake, this is ridiculous, you’re letting yourself being completely used by this man all through fear of being labelled A Bad Woman 🙄. You’re just the free nanny for him, he doesn’t want to give up things to spend time with his staff. Tell him you’re not babysitting this weekend, you’re busy. If he says ‘mum said no’, tell him it’s not your problem, he’ll have to find someone else or he can’t work.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 13:54

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:22

@Brefugee i think that’s all I can do now and I’ve told him 3 times and he’s asked the ex she’s said no and he’s kind of just said oh sorry it’s a no. Why should my life be dictated by his ex? I wish he had more of a backbone and told her something needs to change. She never sees their son for quality time as he is always at school or sleeping when she has him. I don’t understand how as a mother she wouldn’t want to have some quality time with him.

I don’t have much of a life outside of partner work and SS but I think I need to change that ASAP. Maybe he sees me as to available because I’ve moved away from family and friends to be with him.

I think why does the ex feel comfortable to assert her needs about weekends and you don't?

I would say to him I'll do two nights babysitting a month. The rest of the month you and your ex need to decide on child care as I'm not doing it.

What will he do- dump you? If so then lucky escape

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 13:55

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:22

@Brefugee i think that’s all I can do now and I’ve told him 3 times and he’s asked the ex she’s said no and he’s kind of just said oh sorry it’s a no. Why should my life be dictated by his ex? I wish he had more of a backbone and told her something needs to change. She never sees their son for quality time as he is always at school or sleeping when she has him. I don’t understand how as a mother she wouldn’t want to have some quality time with him.

I don’t have much of a life outside of partner work and SS but I think I need to change that ASAP. Maybe he sees me as to available because I’ve moved away from family and friends to be with him.

You should go to visit your family and friends and the weekend. Put some dates in the diary

Naunet · 11/09/2023 13:56

Does he pay you for doing all of this for him, or repay you in some other way? Or do you just happily save him thousands of pounds and expect nothing in return except to be treated like an employee?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:00

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:15

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

I totally disagree, there is not a chance I would expect a new partner to move in with me , to a new area for them, and spend every single Friday and Saturday evening alone babysitting my child while I was out. I could never do that to someone- they would be too lonely - especially in a new town.

Yes partners should help each other out- her dp might do some favours for her so she could babysit as a favour sometimes too- but both nights, every weekend, forever? What a piss take

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 14:00

So are you just looking after DSS from 6pm onwards Friday and Saturday nights?

Tbh I don’t think that’s that big of a deal unless you are stopped from having plans yourself.

I understand you don’t get to spend much quality time with your DP but as a parent your life does tend to revolve around your child and you can’t blame him for being an involved dad.

I’m a single parent and it is difficult finding time because you’re either working or doing stuff with your children.

I would be really annoyed and have ended a relationship before, over someone asking me to not spend as much time with my child.

The only thing that can make a difference is him working less but that’s a pretty ask and if he’s said no then you need to decide whether this relationship is for you or not.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:02

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 14:00

So are you just looking after DSS from 6pm onwards Friday and Saturday nights?

Tbh I don’t think that’s that big of a deal unless you are stopped from having plans yourself.

I understand you don’t get to spend much quality time with your DP but as a parent your life does tend to revolve around your child and you can’t blame him for being an involved dad.

I’m a single parent and it is difficult finding time because you’re either working or doing stuff with your children.

I would be really annoyed and have ended a relationship before, over someone asking me to not spend as much time with my child.

The only thing that can make a difference is him working less but that’s a pretty ask and if he’s said no then you need to decide whether this relationship is for you or not.

But would you expect a partner to give up all their weekend evenings for ever every weekend to babysit for you, alone, while you're out?