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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contact time with step son

119 replies

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:06

I’m after some opinions please.

My partner of 2.5 years has a 7 year old son with his ex.

He picks him up from school on a Weds, has tea stays a few hours and then goes back to his mums.

He then picks him up from school on a Friday and he stays the weekend with us until around 7pm Sunday night. My partner works every Friday and Saturday night from 6pm - 1am whilst also working Mon - Fri 5am - 4pm ish. I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.

Recently SS has joined a football club. This means my partner now also picks him up from school on a Thursday takes him to practice has tea etc then goes back to his mums at 7pm ish. Every Saturday morning he goes to football practice and now every Sunday morning there is a football tournament until about 12pm.

I love that my partner has found something SS is passionate about and something they can bond over but I can’t help feeling that I’m now last on his list of priorities. With us both working full time and my partner working the second job on the weekend we never have quality time together. Sunday is really the only day we usually have off together. Now football dictates the day. We literally have a Monday and Tuesday night to ourselves and partner usually finishes work has a bath and falls asleep on the sofa. Every other night is dictated by SS/ football.

I want to know how do I being this up to my partner without sounding like the jealous horrible step mum stereotype? We’ve had several conversations about me not wanting to babysit every weekend whilst he is at work all of which have never really been resolved. Now football is in the picture I feel even more like I’m just a handy live in babysitter and not a partner. It feels like our relationship is last on the list of his priorities. Please help!

OP posts:
TaigaSno · 11/09/2023 15:44

You should be alternating weekends. I do think it's important for his dad to go to football every Sunday morning to support him, as should his mum. Because that's what you do when you have kids and your kids have hobbies and interests.
But why should his mum miss out on having weekend time with her son? If I've understood correctly, she gets him three week nights when he's tired and grumpy after school, and you and your husband get him every weekend when he wants to have fun, plus another week night.
He could even alternate weeks at each house, still having dinner with the opposite parent on a Wednesday night to break up the week, and both parents turning up to football games on a Sunday morning.
That way everyone gets to enjoy some weekend time with the child and everyone has alternate weekends to themselves too.

Beamur · 11/09/2023 16:02

TaigaSno
That's a reasonable idea but Mum has already rejected it. She's happy with the kid being at his Dad's, being looked after by the OP every single weekend.

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 16:04

Thanks @Newestname002 @Beamur I have re read the thread over and over. I agree with most but have this feeling that my partner wouldn’t.

I feel like a naughty child about to be told off when my parents get home from work. I know what I have to say and will make sure I get it all out. It’s just hard logistically as I have work tomorrow morning and if I leave I’ve got a 1.5 hour commute. I’ve literally just changed jobs closer to home and now I think I’m going to have to change jobs again and find somewhere to live. I have no real option of staying with family or friends and no savings. I don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get into this mess. Nobody tells you how hard adulting is do they?!

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 11/09/2023 16:14

You're the babysitter he gets to shag and you're ok with that? This is not a relationship.

Wannabesingle · 11/09/2023 16:19

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 16:04

Thanks @Newestname002 @Beamur I have re read the thread over and over. I agree with most but have this feeling that my partner wouldn’t.

I feel like a naughty child about to be told off when my parents get home from work. I know what I have to say and will make sure I get it all out. It’s just hard logistically as I have work tomorrow morning and if I leave I’ve got a 1.5 hour commute. I’ve literally just changed jobs closer to home and now I think I’m going to have to change jobs again and find somewhere to live. I have no real option of staying with family or friends and no savings. I don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get into this mess. Nobody tells you how hard adulting is do they?!

There’s no reason you have it leave today even if you end the relationship, though maybe it’s best for you. But do what’s best for YOU. You are allowed to be selfish, it’s your life. Either way this will be a step towards the life you want and deserve whereas if you stay as you are you are just stagnant and prolonging the issue. Good luck, stay strong

yogasaurus · 11/09/2023 16:23

I had a similar situation, I was being expected to do pick ups and hours of after school childcare when it was my days off after going back from maternity leave. If I said no, everyone asked why, what else was I doing? Any thanks dropped off very quickly from all sides (‘yoga should be honoured she gets to pick up the SDC’).

I said to DH he needs to do the pickups or they need to go back to ex after school… guess what, they got childcare sorted.

He’s taking you for a mug, OP

Newestname002 · 11/09/2023 17:37

@Chloe442

I’ve literally just changed jobs closer to home and now I think I’m going to have to change jobs again and find somewhere to live. I have no real option of staying with family or friends and no savings. I don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get into this mess.

Maybe have a look at Spareroom.com for a house share for the short/medium term whilst do save as much as you can for something else. If possible see if you can get a second, weekend job and put all that income into savings. I did that myself many years ago.

Nobody tells you how hard adulting is do they?!

That's so very true! 🌹

Skybluecoat · 11/09/2023 17:40

You are being treated like a domestic appliance - very convenient.

He will talk you round tonight with promises of changes to come much further down the line. These promises will never materialise.

You can do much better than this OP.

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2023 17:42

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:15

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

Lol. Funny how no-one ever says that to men.

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2023 17:48

Op why did you move in with him, was it his idea?

amiold · 11/09/2023 17:52

My partner has a little one and I just haven't started this for this reason. A few hours here and there becomes more and more and then you're unreasonable if you say no.

My opinion is if he wants to see his son (and he fought to get a cao) then the only person who should have him is him. He shouldn't be palmed off on family.

They're actually going back to court and I've made it very clear, if he wants more access he is the one to provide childcare. I don't feel bad at all. I don't interfere so I don't expect to put my life on hold. I make my own plans when they have contact a lot or the time and then they get 1-1 too. If I'm free and they invite me along I'll go. If there's something being planned I should attend he lets me know and I keep the date free.

thiswasabadone · 11/09/2023 17:53

Can't your partner have his son overnight Wednesday and Thursday every week - obviously school pick up/after school clubs may be needed like most families

And

Daytime Saturday and Sunday every weekend

And your partner could decide to go and watch his sons footy match every Sunday but then you would have the afternoon and evening to yourselves every week

monsteramunch · 11/09/2023 17:59

He sounds selfish and irresponsible.

How soon after starting to date did he introduce you to his son? And how soon after that did you start looking after his son solo sometimes?

GrumpyPanda · 11/09/2023 18:04

I’ve literally just changed jobs closer to home and now I think I’m going to have to change jobs again and find somewhere to live. I have no real option of staying with family or friends and no savings. I don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get into this mess.

Agree with pp on roomshares. In the meantime and while you're still looking, stop paying into the bills - that should help with replenishing your savings. If your STBX kicks off, hand him a bill for all your unpaid childcare.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you.

AhNowTed · 11/09/2023 18:26

If the relationship is 2.5 years, and before you were the babysitter he was home during the pandemic, sounds like he moved you in straight away OP.

Sorry but you are being used.

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 19:55

He’s come home had a bath and fallen asleep on the sofa. Somehow I don’t think we’ll be having that chat tonight.

OP posts:
PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 11/09/2023 20:00

Yeah, he doesn’t want to have that chat

IndiKid2015 · 11/09/2023 20:13

Me and my DH are currently separating and his expectations of what duties I should be taking on as a step parent is one of the main issues. He’s left his child with me nearly every weekend for 10 years while he’s worked and more recently undertaken hobbies. It’s caused festering resentment which is impacting on everyone including the child which I know is wrong. He says it’s because I don’t care about his child which isn’t the case, I just feel totally used and reading these replies it seems I’m not being unreasonable in feeling that. Don’t be me OP, either set your stall out or leave.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/09/2023 20:17

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 19:55

He’s come home had a bath and fallen asleep on the sofa. Somehow I don’t think we’ll be having that chat tonight.

He's showing you again that your feelings aren't a priority to him.

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 20:21

@FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee It certainly feels that way. I’ve gone to bed, I’m not waiting around or begging him for attention.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/09/2023 20:22

I'm really sorry.

I hope you find the strength to leave him.

StoneWitch · 11/09/2023 20:22

Get yourself out OP. Don't be someone's free nanny/wife with no benefits.

I was there age 27, it was shit. I'm now 39 with a husband and a 50% share in a mortgage, and im nobody's free babysitter.

Get out, and get yourself to some social stuff. I joined a gym and some yoga classes, a few years later I have an amazing community. Let me know if you want any recommendations.

Wannabesingle · 11/09/2023 20:27

Do you think he’s playing with you op? Trying to make you anxious so you fall in line

billy1966 · 11/09/2023 20:28

OP, god love you, but he and his ex have made some mug out of you for free childcare.

Completely unbelievable that YOU are responsible for their child every weekend.

They are both scum.

He's using you so he isn't paying CM.

He's a user, as is his Ex and really shit parents.

See if you can rent a room anywhere, just get the hell out and stop being used.

ItsJustNotHappening · 11/09/2023 20:31

Move out. This is not going to change. Don’t wait for permission from him to live your life. Make the decision for yourself. Good luck OP.

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