Contact time with step son

[Chloe442]

I’m after some opinions please.

My partner of 2.5 years has a 7 year old son with his ex.

He picks him up from school on a Weds, has tea stays a few hours and then goes back to his mums.

He then picks him up from school on a Friday and he stays the weekend with us until around 7pm Sunday night. My partner works every Friday and Saturday night from 6pm - 1am whilst also working Mon - Fri 5am - 4pm ish. I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.

Recently SS has joined a football club. This means my partner now also picks him up from school on a Thursday takes him to practice has tea etc then goes back to his mums at 7pm ish. Every Saturday morning he goes to football practice and now every Sunday morning there is a football tournament until about 12pm.

I love that my partner has found something SS is passionate about and something they can bond over but I can’t help feeling that I’m now last on his list of priorities. With us both working full time and my partner working the second job on the weekend we never have quality time together. Sunday is really the only day we usually have off together. Now football dictates the day. We literally have a Monday and Tuesday night to ourselves and partner usually finishes work has a bath and falls asleep on the sofa. Every other night is dictated by SS/ football.

I want to know how do I being this up to my partner without sounding like the jealous horrible step mum stereotype? We’ve had several conversations about me not wanting to babysit every weekend whilst he is at work all of which have never really been resolved. Now football is in the picture I feel even more like I’m just a handy live in babysitter and not a partner. It feels like our relationship is last on the list of his priorities. Please help!

Op you also have the option to move back or go stay in your area for a bit to spend time with family- you don't have to break up - showing that you mean business might make him respect your views as Much as or more than the ex

I think every other weekend is much more sensible

Or dss could do daytimes at weekends with you then goes to his mums to sleep

Another option could be that ex collects child on Saturday morning and drops to school on Monday morning so that you have Friday night off and your DH still gets the weekend days with his son

The more I read the sadder it gets. You've changed your whole life for him to be an unpaid babysitter with no fiancial security. He really does have the best of both worlds, he is free to do what he wants at weekends, absolutely get the most out of his earning potential, leaving you tied up with his child and contributing to the household expenses. He's taking the piss. I think you need to be going back home.

Football... thats life with a child really as they get older.

The weekend babysitting... it does seem bonkers that his contact evenings are when he's at work!

Going forward... you will have to accept that he needs to prioritise his child over you, even without the babysitting. So... do you want to have a step child or not?

This isn't fair on you. If you weren't there then what would he do? At this rate you have him more than his own mother and father? Could he even stay with you some school nights so you and dp even get a weekend to yourselves? I think that's very unfair you have to do every weekend. Why doesn't his mum do some of the after school pick ups for football. What clubs and classes does she take him to? You need to sit down with your partner and explain all this its not fair on you or your relationship you are not his free childcare. How long have you been doing this for as I see only together 2.5 years?

No absolutely not but the issue isn’t the son, it’s his working hours which he won’t change.

So OP needs to decide whether she wants to stay or not.

Have you posted about this before, OP? I feel like I've read this exact same scenario here recently (babysitting your partner's child while he works a second weekend job). You're being taken for a mug here.

Yeah I have a few weeks ago.

We had a discussion and he said he’d try a few things but he never did. Here we are again only now with the addition of this new football club meaning we now have even less time to ourselves.

This free babysitting lark has two benefits for your partner, whether deliberate or not. The second benefit is that you totally isolated and, in your loneliness are much less likely to leave him.

OP, you will have plenty of staying in at night when you have children of your own and the fact is, much as you may love the little boy, he is not yours

Who made this law? Parents looking for free childcare? No woman owes a man 2 nights free babysitting every week because HE decided to have kids, don’t be so bloody entitled.

OK so you gave him an opportunity to change and he hasn't. Cut your losses and leave him.

Who signed him up for the football club? Knowing it would be you committed to taking him?
Tell him it's not your place to ferry him to clubs.

I’ve spoken to him today. He said we need a serious chat tonight when we’re both home.

I think this will probably be it for us. I really don’t want it to be I love him so much but I’m not willing to back down again. I will let you know how it goes.

So your partner works at weekends so that he can have a flashy £400pm car rather than spend time with his own son.

He can only facilitate this by using your time to cover his own responsibilities.

So essentially you are losing your Friday and Saturday nights to give your DP a flashy car.

I hope you don’t have children with this wanker.

Hakuna Matilda makes a good point. He works to pay for a flashy car and would rather do that than see his son.

Fuck that, you're basically his au pair.

I'd be planning to move out.

wow you have been a free au pair. He will definitely be very lovely now as he won’t want to lose his set up.

Who is it exactly who’s saying ‘no’ to you? Surely you’re telling HIM you cannot take care of his son every weekend, not his ex? How is you telling him you will no longer be willing to do unpaid childcare every weekend turning into his ex saying no, Chloe has to do it?? They’re a pair of cheeky fuckers and they’ve seen you coming a mile away

You are a service provider to him, that's why he's not fussed about having less time together, because that's not why he keeps you around.

However you leaving creates a vacancy, which will be difficult to fill, so he's going to fight to keep you. Not because he wants you but needs you in the short term. He'll say and do everything he can to keep you sweet, while looking elsewhere for your replacement.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he’s not your step son, and you aren’t his step mum. You are just his dad’s girlfriend.

I wouldn’t put up with this, the expectation that you will look after him for absolutely no security or benefit. What do you love about him? He doesn’t put you first, second, or even third - you come after his son (fair enough), his ex and his second job. He’s not bothered about spending time with you. Think about whether you actually get anything out of this relationship, and if not, or if nothing significant, just leave.

You've now taken up a new hobby which falls on a Saturday and Sunday. It can be anything you wish but unfortunately means alternative childcare for HIS contact time with HIS child will have to be arranged and it WILL be a permanent thing. I have a stepson of the same age and would not facilitate this nor would I be expected to.

If you choose to father a child then must take on responsibility for that child, make sacrifices, accommodate your child.
He knew that he had a child when he chose to start a relationship with a person who was not his child's mother.
If he knows that being in an adult relationship is not for him, he should do the decent thing and end things.

There, fixed that for you.
I've been with DH for 9 years and never been treated like the unpaid help. He also manages to be around for his child and also present in our marriage. He's not Superman, but he's certainly not a piss taking loser either.
How dare you suggest OP is the one who needs fixed in this sorry mess.

Good luck OP. Let's hope he values you enough as a person and as his partner and not just the live in childminder to listen properly and actually make some changes. If not you have your answer.

Be very clear about what you want to get from this talk tonight. He will, of course, say pretty much anything to maintain the current situation where he has you as his resource to keep house, share bills and be his very involved carer for his son. Including saying, possibly, that you can't love either him or his son if you don't want to keep going with this arrangement you are currently trapped in. He's making no effort to improve things for you as the situation currently works for him.

I know you are in love with him and love his son but that really isn't enough. Where is your sense of self-respect and self-presentation?

This man legally owes you nothing, whilst he pays off his mortgage, funds his expensive car and you save him £hundreds providing him with childcare. What are you getting from this for the here and now or for your future?

I would strongly urge you to see if you can move back to the area where you have family (and hopefully there's accommodation available for you) and see how feasible it is for you to work remotely if possible or look for another job, whilst you receive emotional support from family and friends.

If possible, speak to your family and employer so you can get a sense of what could work for you in the immediate future.

Do please reread this thread in full at least once before you have your talk so you are properly grounded in what your next steps need to be. Good luck - it will be hard but worthwhile to build a better future for YOU. 🌹