Contact time with step son

[Chloe442]

I’m after some opinions please.

My partner of 2.5 years has a 7 year old son with his ex.

He picks him up from school on a Weds, has tea stays a few hours and then goes back to his mums.

He then picks him up from school on a Friday and he stays the weekend with us until around 7pm Sunday night. My partner works every Friday and Saturday night from 6pm - 1am whilst also working Mon - Fri 5am - 4pm ish. I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.

Recently SS has joined a football club. This means my partner now also picks him up from school on a Thursday takes him to practice has tea etc then goes back to his mums at 7pm ish. Every Saturday morning he goes to football practice and now every Sunday morning there is a football tournament until about 12pm.

I love that my partner has found something SS is passionate about and something they can bond over but I can’t help feeling that I’m now last on his list of priorities. With us both working full time and my partner working the second job on the weekend we never have quality time together. Sunday is really the only day we usually have off together. Now football dictates the day. We literally have a Monday and Tuesday night to ourselves and partner usually finishes work has a bath and falls asleep on the sofa. Every other night is dictated by SS/ football.

I want to know how do I being this up to my partner without sounding like the jealous horrible step mum stereotype? We’ve had several conversations about me not wanting to babysit every weekend whilst he is at work all of which have never really been resolved. Now football is in the picture I feel even more like I’m just a handy live in babysitter and not a partner. It feels like our relationship is last on the list of his priorities. Please help!

Wait a second. You're babysitting his child for free but you're not on the mortgage. For all this free work you're doing "for the relationship" you have NO SAVINGS and NO HOUSING SECURITY. He, on the other hand, has no childcare costs cuz you're there to do it, which enables him to do extra work hours which is allowing him to finance a nice car and build equity in the home he owns.

His equity in the house is his savings. He may also be building other savings you don't know about, such as in his bank account.

He also has quite a nice life as he always has you to help with childcare which enables him to spend all his effort on... taking a nap after work instead of addressing something important to you.

I wonder what would happen if you said you wanted to be paid for all the childcare you do for his son.

I think a lot of the time, men (and women do it too) think of a woman's unpaid work in the home, whether cleaning, laundry, cooking, caring (even for children that aren't hers) as something she is doing "for us" which he sees as equivalent to the money he earns "for us" or "for our future." The thing is, as soon as the relationship ends, the idea that the money is "ours" evaporates and it goes back to being just his money. It's as if you were a housekeeper for someone, for zero wages, for 20 years with the promise that at the end of 20 years you'd get a lot of money. But if you stop working for the person before 20 years has passed, you get zero. Would you do that job? Would you think that was fair? Or would you think you were being used and strung along with big promises that were in reality meaningless? That is what is happening when a man uses the unpaid work of a woman to free up his own time for paid work, and then justifies it by reasoning that since they are in a relationship it's "for both of us".

In this case, it's a problem because you don't feel loved or appreciated and you are starting to think you want to extricate yourself from this relationship. But you can't afford to because you have no savings and no housing security and you've recently changed jobs to something that will make it a lot harder to make your own finances work if you leave. So it's only now that you've realized how things have been set up to his advantage and your disadvantage.

By the way this also is an example of why it's not fair to divide up costs so that one person pays the mortgage (and gets the equity) and the other person pays bills. The amount that is going to equity in the home is actually just going back into that person's pocket. The amount going to bills is totally expenditures.

Wait for the "you don't care about my son" guilt trip OP. And how this is "for us" - it isn't.

@aloris

Sadly true summation. 🌹

It’s odd his mother doesn’t want any weekend time with him, that doesn’t sound good for the child. I mean what mother sacrifices time with her child so her ex’s girlfriend can spend time with the child. That would be a big no from me.

i wonder how much of his extra job pays for that £400 finance? He literally is working and getting someone else to care for his child so he can drive a flash car. You’re not on the mortgage, you’re an unpaid babysitter and he will try every trick in the book to get you to stay once he realises you’re serious about ending this. Stay strong OP, you’ve got years ahead of you of staying in at weekend if you want your own children, you don’t need to do it now.

Exactly. This is to stave off you pointing out that he is using you as free childcare and stringing you along when his actions show that he does not care about your welfare or your future.

He wouldn't need a second job if he didn't have £400/month car loan.

It's sad that neither parent want to spend weekends with DS. The footie is positive.

I don't know if he has to pay maintenance as he seems to be with you 50/50. He seems to work crazy hours. Regardless of your situation, when does he relax?

You're just a convenient nanny. You're not a parent, you should have Friday and Saturday nights free every week. If ex wife won't have him, he needs to hire childcare every week, regardless of whether you want to go out or not. Je's not your responsibility.

Cut your losses and end it now.

I knew deep down you were all right but there was a bit of me still that wanted to believe he was going to come home and have a genuine and open discussion about it. I think I thought I know him deep down and he does care about us and this relationship. The fact that he hasn’t said a word and is now sleeping on the sofa I think proves just how wrong I was. I’m going to leave him to sleep. I’m off to sleep myself ready for my first day back at work after two weeks off sick and a few days in hospital last week. It’s been one hell of a week for me without all of this so just want to say thank you to you all really for your opinions and confirming to me that I’m not out of line here. You’ve reminded me that I am still strong and can be independent. Here’s to a new day tomorrow and hopefully I can speak to my boss and get the ball rolling with finding a new role closer to home. This hurts so much but thank you all.

@converseandjeans he gets about £800 a month from the second job. So if he took the car and expensive fishing trips out it’s possible we could survive without the second job. I’ve offered to give him more money to stop the weekend work but now I’m second guessing myself. He pays the ex £100 a month because technically their son only sleeps 2 nights a week so I think CM would actually work out about £200-£300 a month as they base it on nights as far as I know.

He goes fishing with his friends sometimes to relax and watches a lot of football at home.

Just get out

Can you visit anyone this weekend?

Let him sort out HIS childcare.

Stress to your boss that you need to move asap.

Do not allow them to use you any longer.

When you do go, make sure to explain it to the boy in some nice way. He's got a tough life ahead of him with parents like that, especially the mother who doesn't want to see him at weekends and is happy for him to be fobbed off on his dad's girlfriend. You're not responsible for that and you can't fix it, but make sure he understands that you leaving is nothing to do with him.

@billy1966 Im working until 11pm on Friday as a one off but Saturday I may try to visit family.

@Pollyputhekettleon The thought of having to say bye to him is breaking my heart. He really is innocent in all this and when I do leave I can’t imagine how confused his little head will be. I will make sure I put it in a way that hopefully doesn’t damage him.

@Chloe442 Give him a card or something when you're going that says what you want to get across. He can keep that and reread it, and he'll understand some day. Don't tell him the warts and all truth of course. What you want to get across is that he's a person that people love to spend time with, because that's what he may grow up doubting.

Whatever he feels isn't your fault, remember that. His father and mother handed him over to you, an almost complete stranger, from day one. They showed no concern about making sure it would be a permanent, sustainable arrangement before letting the boy get attached to you. This is on them.

@Chloe442

He goes fishing with his friends sometimes to relax and watches a lot of football at home.

He seems to do exactly what he wants. He's not paying much maintenance. What's his extra job? I can't see where you fit into his life, except to look after his DS.

I'm glad you've seen the light @Chloe442 and are starting to plan a new future. It's very telling that he's avoided you completely to swerve the childcare talk. Return the favour Op, make your plans and make yourself unavailable as much as possible at home. I'd put off telling him anything until close to leaving or he'll use his son as blackmail, not faumir to you or his poor child

Fair, don't know where faumir came from!

I agree, be unavailable and tell him nothing until it suits you.

So glad that you are seeing how used you have been by them both.

Poor boy has shit parents, but that is not for you to solve nor sacrifice your future for.

The cheek of this man.

He needs to hire a babysitter- not expect the women in his life to work for him for free.

Tell him you will be going out on those nights, and he's needs to arrange childcare. And then go out.