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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having a bbq on a Saturday afternoon is perfectly acceptable?

355 replies

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 11/09/2023 02:51

I live on a new build estate and a group of neighbours have for,ed a nice friendship group. On Saturday afternoon one of the group hosted a small bbq , planned from 3-9. There were 10 of us to begin with but people drifted off . We were sat around a table in the garden, the Alexa speaker on the doorstep playing the radio but not loudly as we were all chatting.

At 7pm a bloke appeared at the back gate to say he was trying to get his 1 year old to bed and would we turn the music off. We did but continued to sit in the garden .

At 8 pm a post appeared on the community Facebook page saying that people having bbqs were selfish and had no regard for parents trying to put their little,ones to bed in weather we were not equipped for and with no option to close their windows .

I responded simply saying peaceful enjoyment of your own garden is not prohibited, that yes they did have an option to close the windows and this was the first bbq my friends have had in the 2 years they've lived there , that we weren't exactly having a rave , that we all have or had children, that having kids doesnt give you autonomy to tell others what to do and that if they didn't want to hear other people living on an estate wasnt a good idea.
I also said we were planning on moving inside the house at 9pm
Then the insult's started. I did respond (I know I shouldn't have) saying perhaps if anyone had an issue they could come and knock on the door and discuss it like adults instead of being keyboard warriors.someone
Posted a copy of the councils nuisance noise policy ( which ironically showed night hours to be between 11pm and 7am ! ) this was 8 pm

More insults . Gifs with popcorn . Someone said " i suggest you blah blah blah blah blah .
I lost it . I said I suggest you fuck off before I turn the music back on

Today the whinging post had been removed BlushGrin

What the fuck is wrong with people ? It was a sedate afternoon bbq consisting of 10 people aged 35 ~ 50, not an all night rave !
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Ella31 · 11/09/2023 07:57

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 11/09/2023 07:50

The cooking was all over by 5 pm . Bbq closed lid so no smoke.

The two direct neighbours at both sides came round for a drink and a bite to eat , and one of them has an 8 month old . She went home to put him to bed at about 6.30 pm

I know I should have stopped after my first comment but people were just being so childish and insulting I thought oh sod it

And I really do t care how I get on with them in future , they aren't my friend or my issue

One person did comment saying the people on there were being ridiculous and where was her invite ! and I replied saying come over you'd be more than welcome ,

It really was a sedate friendly affair , no one was being rowdy , everyone there has kids themselves so not exactly party animals

If I were you, try to resolve this with your neighbour. I know you say you don't care and fair enough but it genuinely sounds like the neighbour was frustrated. Obviously the back biting on the group social media was uncalled for, but don't go forward with this attitude. You sound like a reasonable person bar this side of you.

EvilElsa · 11/09/2023 07:58

YANBU.
my neighbours had a BBQ the other day and the smoke blew over the fence right into my freshly washed and nearly dry laundry. Really fucking annoying BUT they are absolutely entitled to use their garden to cook just as I am entitled to use it to dry clothes.
I probably wouldn't have responded on Facebook even though I agree with you. As proven, all it does is entertain the shit stirrers.

whyisitallsohard · 11/09/2023 07:58

of course it’s fine to have a bbq and have fun, but you also live in the shared estate and need to be mindful of your neighbours. Your neighbours also include children who don’t necessarily have their own voice and can complain to you directly about how much you might be affecting them. Their parents can and that’s what happened. I think you have forgotten who the actual people are you affected: the children who did nothing wrong. I have a feeling you may have p’d off more than one family . And I don’t think you should have written “dont live here then”. It could equally be said to you: don’t have bbqs on the estate when you can go to a park or pub or anywhere during the day to spend time with your friends. Under nuisance noise, you shouldn’t be playing music that can be heard by others, that is, you can play it, but it should not be a nuisance to others even during the day. The night time hours you mentioned are for quiet time - that’s when you absolutely must be respectful of others. This doesn’t mean do whatever you like during the day. What you might not have realised is how loud you were as a group and failing or refusing to see it - were you drinking? Getting louder without realising? What you may also not realise is you may have displayed anti social behaviour judging by how you reacted in the Facebook group. You should be careful because ASB will not be tolerated by councils especially if it affects children. But of course, have a bbq, enjoy yourself, but respect the space YOU live in when you are the one creating the potential nuisance.

OhmygodDont · 11/09/2023 08:00

Some neighbours are dicks. Yours outted himself pretty quickly as one of those parents who thinks the world revolves around little will be tear away kyle.

One 10 person bbq once in 2 years and inside by 9pm. The bloody idiot needs a grip and a life.

MegaSaverMumma · 11/09/2023 08:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 11/09/2023 08:02

whyisitallsohard · 11/09/2023 07:58

of course it’s fine to have a bbq and have fun, but you also live in the shared estate and need to be mindful of your neighbours. Your neighbours also include children who don’t necessarily have their own voice and can complain to you directly about how much you might be affecting them. Their parents can and that’s what happened. I think you have forgotten who the actual people are you affected: the children who did nothing wrong. I have a feeling you may have p’d off more than one family . And I don’t think you should have written “dont live here then”. It could equally be said to you: don’t have bbqs on the estate when you can go to a park or pub or anywhere during the day to spend time with your friends. Under nuisance noise, you shouldn’t be playing music that can be heard by others, that is, you can play it, but it should not be a nuisance to others even during the day. The night time hours you mentioned are for quiet time - that’s when you absolutely must be respectful of others. This doesn’t mean do whatever you like during the day. What you might not have realised is how loud you were as a group and failing or refusing to see it - were you drinking? Getting louder without realising? What you may also not realise is you may have displayed anti social behaviour judging by how you reacted in the Facebook group. You should be careful because ASB will not be tolerated by councils especially if it affects children. But of course, have a bbq, enjoy yourself, but respect the space YOU live in when you are the one creating the potential nuisance.

Well I. That case , when I am woken up as I was yesterday morning by the sound of children in their gardens playing, splashi g in paddling pools , screaming and squealing, kicking footballs and riding scooters in the street , I'll be sure to complain and let the. Know that just because quiet time is 11-7 it does t mean they ca. make noise during the day.
Thanks for that I'm sure that would seem perfectly reasonable and not at all bonkers or mean spirited.

OP posts:
ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 11/09/2023 08:04

It’s the Bluetooth speaker. The noise of people chatting is easy to tolerate but music really carries. Just keep the music inside
next time.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 11/09/2023 08:04

Some of this is madness. Do people really inform neighbours when the equivalent of two medium (according to mumsnet, 3 kids isn’t a big family) families come together for a few hours?

you invite people you don’t know and might not ever engage with, to your friends gathering in case they feel left out?

You pack up and go in at 7pm?

Thatsridiculous · 11/09/2023 08:05

YANBU.

Even if you were being loud, YANBU.

Even if you had, god forbid, had drinks and
been louder than you think, YANBU.

It was 7pm. A small BBQ in a garden.

I am a parent and have been in this situation where I’ve tried to get my kids in to bed and there is noise outside in the summer. That’s life.

I think when people become parents there is a tendency for them to think that the world revolves around them and their child. Thankfully It doesn’t and they need a reality check.

You shouldn’t have responded on Facebook but you know that, and it has been deleted now.

Thatsridiculous · 11/09/2023 08:06

And if the party is as OP described it is not necessary to tell anyone beforehand.

Come on…don’t be so ridiculous!!!!

FakeFool · 11/09/2023 08:08

I'd have found the all afternoon and most of the evening music incredibly annoying. I also suspect that you were noisier than you think.

You relies to the fab post were ott and will have made you look a bit pompous and argumentative. People who have spats on FB don't come across well in general.

In principle have a bbq on a Saturday is NBU though.

Clefable · 11/09/2023 08:10

YANBU. It's just life, and we all have to try get our kids to sleep sometimes when there's noise outside. And 7pm is early. White noise covers all manner of sins too. Both our DC have it on at bedtime and we can make all manner of noise in the house and no one wakes up.

BirdiePlantaganet · 11/09/2023 08:10

You didn’t do anything wrong. But if you’re on an estate, I imagine the gardens are very close together and noise does carry. I wouldn’t however play music that could be heard by neighbours as I do think that’s inconsiderate.

I would also not be aggressive and sweary on FB. That makes you look like a thug.

ElFupacabra · 11/09/2023 08:10

ShellySarah · 11/09/2023 07:08

Loud music, loud voices, stinky smoke from a bbq and a foul mouth on Facebook following the news that a 1 year old among others couldn't sleep because of you.

Yab so u I don't know where to start.

You were far louder than you realise.

Glad you're not my neighbour

Loud Music, Loud Voices - subjective as none of us were there.

Stinky Smoke - not at 7pm from an afternoon bbq, tends to be at its worst when started, then slight meat smoke while food is actively cooking.

Foul mouth on Facebook - no contempt for the neighbour who started the foul mouth tirade by taking it to Facebook initially, and literally started the foul mouth tirade and insults to OP who politely and eloquently explained the situation?

Glad I don’t have such dim people for neighbours too tbh.

Clefable · 11/09/2023 08:11

And those FB groups are almost exclusively frequented by pompous busybodies or dog poo fetishists

whyisitallsohard · 11/09/2023 08:12

I agree, I find shrieking children unsettling, i personally don’t mind them playing and chatting, but screaming is unbearable and I think parents need to teach their kids to not do that especially if outside. It’s normal for kids to be loud and get excited because they’re kids, but it’s not normal for parents to just think it’s okay to do that all day long. It’s an opportunity for parents to teach kids to be mindful of their neighbours too. so if they’re waking you up from these sounds of their playing and shrieking, you can also politely let the neighbours know so they get a chance to also act upon it and make it easier for you. The difference is, they had the balls to approach you at your bbq and ask you to turn the noise down. Have you ever approached them? And I also have a feeling a different family posted on Facebook. Theyre all probably talking about you now and going forward, if they make noise they won’t care for you. It’s really important to get on with your neighbours. You could have just gone inside with your friends and had the same experience but it sounds like you wanted to make a point and continue doing whatever you want and so here you are. Dont expect the future to be easy now that you’ve p’d off half the neighbourhood.

RandomButtons · 11/09/2023 08:14

YANBU about the BBQ.

In future do not engage on anything on social media. It never ends well. Why were you even checking it whilst you had friends over?

saraclara · 11/09/2023 08:15

I've just realised that the barbecue was at a friend's, so you were arguing with their neighbour, not yours.

That was a really bad idea, because it's now your friend who has to deal with the fallout of you pissing him off with your tit for tat anger.

toomuchforonewoman · 11/09/2023 08:15

I cannot bear those bloody bluetooth speakers and people playing shite loud music in their garden so they have to talk louder to be heard. Nobody should be subjected to that at any time of the day. So anti social to subject neighbours to your music when everyone is trying to enjoy their garden in this weather. However you are well within your rights to have a BBQ till 9 on a summers day! It was not late.
The FB spat was unnecessary though and the threat to turn the music back on has made you look like an arsehole. I expect the drink had a part to pay in that. You probably wouldn’t have said it sober.
That said, having friends round on a nice day for a BBQ is perfectly normal, the speaker on the step blaring music is inconsiderate and rude though.

angelinaballerinaa · 11/09/2023 08:16

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 11/09/2023 03:11

What I REALLY wanted to say is wait till your little ones are 14 with their tracksuit bottoms around their arse hanging out on the green ,and then I'll complain

But I didn't . All I could hear today was kids screaming because they were playing outside , as they should be in this nice weather! I wouldn't dream of complaining because when you live in close proximity to other people you are going to hear life !

What I REALLY wanted to say is wait till your little ones are 14 with their tracksuit bottoms around their arse hanging out on the green ,and then I'll complain

@fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft what does this part mean?

Strawberrycocktail · 11/09/2023 08:16

I had to find ways around the outdoor noise in summer for my children. These include a white noise machine to drown out parties and fans (which also double as white noise and which reduce the stuffiness when the windows are shut).

Jifmicroliquid · 11/09/2023 08:20

I’m one of those weirdos who loves hearing a garden party/bbq while I’m lying in bed. The last one was a few weeks back and they had all the 90s songs playing. I was singing along in bed! Provided it’s only occasionally, I just can’t get worked up about it.

I think this heat has caused people to be a bit grumpy. Arguing on FB probably wasn’t the best idea but easily done when people are jumping on you.

I hope you enjoyed your bbq!

Pista41 · 11/09/2023 08:22

My neighbours were having quite a loud barbecue/party last night, it did wake my 3 year old up and I may have silently cursed them but no way would I have said anything! As a PP said, it wasn’t late and people don’t have to stop living their lives because I’ve had a child. YANBU at all.

Potiphar · 11/09/2023 08:23

As numerous people have pointed out, absolutely nobody ever thinks their parties are loud (“there were only twelve of us for flip’s sake, most of us respectable school teachers and we’d only had four or five glasses of wine each. It was hardly a bacchanalian orgy!!!!”) but they always ARE.
It’s surprising how much noise even four or five people can make chatting in a garden, especially when they’ve had a drink.

The comparison with your neighbours’ children shrieking doesn’t hold water. They’re children. Children are noisy. Adults can decide whether or not to be noisy.

Oh and barbecues are absolutely the worst thing in the world and only cunts have them.

saraclara · 11/09/2023 08:23

The more I think about it, the more furious I'd be of one of my guests picked a fight with one of my neighbours on FB, about a barbecue that I hosted at MY house.

You've left her with a big neighbour relationship problem that she has to manage or resolve, not you. No wonder you didn't care what he thought about you. You're not the one who's left with the fallout.