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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having a bbq on a Saturday afternoon is perfectly acceptable?

355 replies

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 11/09/2023 02:51

I live on a new build estate and a group of neighbours have for,ed a nice friendship group. On Saturday afternoon one of the group hosted a small bbq , planned from 3-9. There were 10 of us to begin with but people drifted off . We were sat around a table in the garden, the Alexa speaker on the doorstep playing the radio but not loudly as we were all chatting.

At 7pm a bloke appeared at the back gate to say he was trying to get his 1 year old to bed and would we turn the music off. We did but continued to sit in the garden .

At 8 pm a post appeared on the community Facebook page saying that people having bbqs were selfish and had no regard for parents trying to put their little,ones to bed in weather we were not equipped for and with no option to close their windows .

I responded simply saying peaceful enjoyment of your own garden is not prohibited, that yes they did have an option to close the windows and this was the first bbq my friends have had in the 2 years they've lived there , that we weren't exactly having a rave , that we all have or had children, that having kids doesnt give you autonomy to tell others what to do and that if they didn't want to hear other people living on an estate wasnt a good idea.
I also said we were planning on moving inside the house at 9pm
Then the insult's started. I did respond (I know I shouldn't have) saying perhaps if anyone had an issue they could come and knock on the door and discuss it like adults instead of being keyboard warriors.someone
Posted a copy of the councils nuisance noise policy ( which ironically showed night hours to be between 11pm and 7am ! ) this was 8 pm

More insults . Gifs with popcorn . Someone said " i suggest you blah blah blah blah blah .
I lost it . I said I suggest you fuck off before I turn the music back on

Today the whinging post had been removed BlushGrin

What the fuck is wrong with people ? It was a sedate afternoon bbq consisting of 10 people aged 35 ~ 50, not an all night rave !
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Original poster
fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 12/09/2023 23:45

capermum · 12/09/2023 23:32

Argh I hate it when people play this radios outside even if I love the music it drives me nuts

but that’s just me don’t mind the chatter I actually quite like voices of people enjoying themselves… but if you were my neighbour I’d want to jump on your speaker and drop kick the bits into a skip

Fair enough but we really didn't have it loud cos we were all chatting ,
They turned it up,for some weird jack black parody song that bizarrely only,the men knew the words to 😂.

But we did turn it off completely at 7 when asked to turn it down
and true to our word we went in at 9

We aren't an Antisocial bunch .

OP posts:
MrsKnows · 12/09/2023 23:52

Not unreasonable! Some people don’t understand to live and let live.
My sister always put her child to sleep in absolute silence - if she made a single noise (tv/radio/flushed the toilet/spoke above a whisper) they woke up crying!

I warned her this was a bad move and impractical but, as I didn’t have children, at the time, she ignored the advice to only keep his room quiet (not the whole house) and suffered for years - no friends could come in!

With her second child, she was absolutely realistic - life had to go on and the child learned to settle through routine - not through life ending for everyone else.

Your neighbour is being unreasonable and excessive! THEY no longer wanted to party, so decided everybody else should stop too! Selfish people!

I hope you enjoyed the bbq! 😍

Original poster
fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 13/09/2023 00:02

Thanks ! It was lovely I'm really I'll at the moment so it was just nice to do something normal tho I have suffered terribly for it for 4 days since but was totally worth it as I've been a complete hermit for months

I wasn't drunk due to said illness , took a bottle of fizzy water which I had between any wine

No one drank much really . Which is why I doubt we were being loud or lairy

OP posts:
HobbiddoH · 13/09/2023 00:14

They turned it up for some weird jack black parody song that bizarrely only the men knew the words to

Jack Black is in a band called Tenacious D - the song wasn’t Fuck Her Gently was it? That might explain the neighbours displeasure -lol-

Original poster
fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 13/09/2023 00:36

HobbiddoH · 13/09/2023 00:14

They turned it up for some weird jack black parody song that bizarrely only the men knew the words to

Jack Black is in a band called Tenacious D - the song wasn’t Fuck Her Gently was it? That might explain the neighbours displeasure -lol-

No it wasn't that one !!!! We banned thy one !

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 13/09/2023 03:55

It was unwise to respond and engage on Facebook.

Otherwise you did nothing wrong.

RecklessGoddess · 13/09/2023 06:59

I'm kind of on the fence here, it's not unreasonable to have a BBQ on a Saturday, but when it goes on into the evening, the people who are still there should be quieter so that kids can get to sleep, especially in this hot weather with unbearable nights.

Weezypopsy · 13/09/2023 07:39

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 11/09/2023 09:12

Snobbery at its finest

Show quote history

Indeed! Some of the responses on here are bizarre at best but this one really got me! I am imagining going to Mikimoto’s house for dinner and being kicked out half an hour after dinner is served!

OP, you did nothing wrong at all and I would even go as far as to say that had you been a bit louder, drunk, later, you still wouldn’t have been wrong. It’s a one off, on a nice day, at a reasonable time. Anyone who expects the world to be silent to fit their schedule is deluded and selfish.

MariePaperRoses · 13/09/2023 07:54

How did you know about the Facebook post?

Can't have been much of an evening if you were on your phones!

Johnnybegood2 · 13/09/2023 08:29

I think people already had a tendency to moan but I honestly think since people experienced lockdowns it's like all manners or ability to get on with others went out the window. People always so angry and ready to complain.

ladeluge · 13/09/2023 08:35

Devilsmommy · 11/09/2023 02:57

No you're not bu. My little one goes to bed at 6ish and for the past month or so there have been quite a few parties where the music was actually loud. I would never dream of complaining about it at that time because it's just one of those things, loud music is allowed until 10/11pm so just because I've had a baby, doesn't mean everyone else has to stop having fun. I also live opposite a pub so not sure complaining is reasonable 🤣 you weren't in the wrong at all

Bed at 6pm? That's too late.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/09/2023 09:57

RecklessGoddess · 13/09/2023 06:59

I'm kind of on the fence here, it's not unreasonable to have a BBQ on a Saturday, but when it goes on into the evening, the people who are still there should be quieter so that kids can get to sleep, especially in this hot weather with unbearable nights.

Whether or not neighbour children sleep is not my problem.

They certainly aren't concerning themselves with my desire to lie in or otherwise enjoy quiet time, let me tell you.

Their parents can sort out a fan, white noise machine or other solution.

WhisperingHi · 13/09/2023 10:01

Your sentiment was right, but you handled it appallingly.

If a parent is struggling to get their hot baby down for bed (windows do have to be open in this heat!), then why wouldn't a small group of adults move inside at least until the baby is asleep? That's the kind and normal thing to do.

And telling people to fuck off on Facebook is 😳 no wonder people had the popcorn out!

WhisperingHi · 13/09/2023 10:06

I've just read your responses OP.

You sound ridiculous. How old are you? Sounds like the cool kid at school trying to sound hard. I'm sure if he did come round to complain, you'd piss your pants.

Grow up.

RedPony1 · 13/09/2023 10:17

RecklessGoddess · 13/09/2023 06:59

I'm kind of on the fence here, it's not unreasonable to have a BBQ on a Saturday, but when it goes on into the evening, the people who are still there should be quieter so that kids can get to sleep, especially in this hot weather with unbearable nights.

It's not my problem that people have to get children to sleep, that's just something you have to deal with as a parent. I'm not going to move my gathering and chatting inside until much later than 9pm on a nice eve! Winter is long, i'm not wasting summer.

She wasn't having a rave, they were out, on a sunny evening, having fun with their friends.
I live on an estate, people have garden parties and music goes off at 11 but talking continues. they are entitled to enjoy their garden. Wouldn't dream of moaning, and one house does it weekly in nice weather.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/09/2023 10:22

WhisperingHi · 13/09/2023 10:01

Your sentiment was right, but you handled it appallingly.

If a parent is struggling to get their hot baby down for bed (windows do have to be open in this heat!), then why wouldn't a small group of adults move inside at least until the baby is asleep? That's the kind and normal thing to do.

And telling people to fuck off on Facebook is 😳 no wonder people had the popcorn out!

Oh, come on. Umpteen people shouldn't have to change their plans because one baby isn't sleeping. Let the parents take it out in the pram or car, or give a cool bath, or otherwise find a way to soothe it.

The rest of the world isn't required to revolve around one child's sleep schedule. Especially on a lovely summer Saturday.

PollyPeep · 13/09/2023 10:37

YANBU for having a BBQ on a sunny Saturday evening. YABU for engaging in a full-blown argument on the internet with your neighbours 😅 Best not to alienate your neighbours, especially in a public community group forum. Embarrassing!

I think maybe both you and your neighbour might have handled it better. Your neighbour was very passive aggressive by posting in the first place, but you should have maintained the upper hand by ignoring it, then politely bringing it up in person when you saw them. Maybe empathising with them about their toddlers poor sleeping? What's the point of alienating your neighbours with hostile behaviour when in a couple of weeks we'll be back into cold weather with no chance of a BBQ anyway. Now you're in for years of drama 😆

Mummyof32023 · 13/09/2023 11:21

It's annoying for parents but you don't have to turn it off until 11pm. So we suck it up.

Cornettoninja · 13/09/2023 11:25

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/09/2023 10:22

Oh, come on. Umpteen people shouldn't have to change their plans because one baby isn't sleeping. Let the parents take it out in the pram or car, or give a cool bath, or otherwise find a way to soothe it.

The rest of the world isn't required to revolve around one child's sleep schedule. Especially on a lovely summer Saturday.

Show quote history

A post on Facebook has no power, someone venting their frustrations means fuck all. There was no need to engage with it let alone action it.

People get irritated by others, even when their behaviour is within legal and most social boundaries. The behaviour is fine and so is others irritations with it - both are valid.

The only really notable thing about this thread four days after the (non)event is the OP’s inability to sit with the fact that someone possibly couldn’t like her or her behaviour.

Original poster
fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 13/09/2023 11:37

WhisperingHi · 13/09/2023 10:06

I've just read your responses OP.

You sound ridiculous. How old are you? Sounds like the cool kid at school trying to sound hard. I'm sure if he did come round to complain, you'd piss your pants.

Grow up.

He did come round - we turned the music off
Guess what - I didn't piss my
Pants
And an hour later his girlfriend was posting about selfish people using their gardens ! AFTER the music was off

And that got my back up we'd done what they asked . An hour before .

OP posts:
PenLidsOnTheFloor · 13/09/2023 11:53

YANU at all.

I say this as someone who has a small child with a sleep condition AND I have insomnia AND ADHD and struggle with noise.

I think you were polite to turn your music off when you didn’t have to. We all make noise every now and then and nothing about what you did was antisocial.
However, try not to engage on the Facebook groups, they are the devil.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 13/09/2023 13:06

you would have been the bigger person and come out better if you just ignored

my neighbour complains to me all the time about noise - i have just blocked his number and i don't answer the door to him and have said if he has further complaints to contact the council and they can decide if it's unreasonable or not.

he's now gone away and left me alone.

Harry12345 · 13/09/2023 14:00

YANBU

capermum · 13/09/2023 16:04

Seems like you were being very considerate

WhisperingHi · 13/09/2023 16:05

No, he came round to request you turn the music off, which you said you did. So no conflict at all.

Then, as a "keyboard warrior" yourself, you kicked off swearing at neighbours when they wanted you to be more quiet. Goading them to come round. Which self respecting adult does that, and to a family with a baby?! Well, there's a few around here too and it's cringy to seeing their spats on social media...

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