Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

@ChildrenOfTheQuorn I was mostly being light-hearted imagining everyone steadfastly hanging on to their double-barrelled name and coupling it up to their partners double-barrelled name to make a quadruple barrel and so on but thanks for the feedback.

I'm familiar with how Spanish naming conventions work, FWIW, and it's eminently sensible. It's Portuguese naming traditions that come across as chaotic, to the uninitiated at least.

His aren't wrong. They're different.

My eldest got his dad’s surname when he was born. I never really even gave it a thought.

so many women, potentially writing themselves out of their child’s identity “without a thought”. It’s scary.

We did eventually get married though.

and presumably you left the brain cells sleep while you gave yourself your DH’s name to make a matching set.

Jones.

Surely it's best if both your children have the same surname? Which is also the same as yours - even better! Go with Jones. If he doesn't like it, tough. He can pick the surname when he's grown a baby.

So his child is to have the surname of your ex? I doubt many ppl would agree to that.

Thank you, I really appreciate all the replies. Sorry for my own late one- been at work! I will insist on double-barrelled.

We did get married later, and I was willing to change my name/give that name to my DD because 1) I was young and a bit stupid and 2) I hated my original surname and was feeling very angry at my dad at the time and wanted rid of the name. I don't want to change my name again now without him marrying me because why should I? It's a lot of hassle changing my name on everything. If we married, I'd double barrell my name and his and give the new DC his surname only. But he doesn't want to, so that's just tough. He doesn't get it both ways.

if you double barrel don’t hyphenate, and make sure Jones goes last

Wrong, space is even worse than a hyphen. People, and computers will forever be getting it wrong. It's no fun spending 6 months trying to sort things out with various government agencies.
Also...as bad as a hyphen is at least it is accepted in online forms. Many simply do not accept a space forcing you to cut the name short.
My name was originally with a space (in the original spelling) I hyphenate it in the U.K.

Please please as much as you place importance on your name and feelings of ownership over the child, have some consideration for the practicalities.

Someone mentioned the Spanish... in the U.K. many default to using only the last name for the reasons I mentioned. I cannot do that, my name is a patronym and looks silly split in half so I chose to hyphenate but the amount of admin problems is a pain.

No to Smith-Jones but Smith Jones ok as most places eg school will assume Smith is a middle name. Dad can be a Jones too if he wants.

I guess it depends whether OP prefers to

1. leave a space on forms or, on occasion, just use Jones
2. always fill in forms for her child using a different surname to hers (and her first child’s) name.

My point here is that leaving out the hyphen gives OP multiple options now and in future.

She may in future use Jones as her child’s surname if she so wishes, without seeking her partner’s permission later or inflaming the situation further now. It is the most protective and flexible option for OP and her children, now and in future, while still giving her partner a connection which he clearly feels is important.

This is not “wrong”. I have a non hyphenate surname child and it has worked well for us. I also have an older child with a different surname to me, so I learnt about all this the hard way.

Sadly relationships sometimes do break down and OP seems keen to make sure her name is linked to her children’s names. In my experience the above is the best way.

It has posed us no administrative difficulties, but if it did I’d consider these a price well worth paying.

Some of us aren’t interested in trying to be “right” - or, in your opinion, “wrong”, instead we are just trying to be helpful (and don’t feel the need to put others down while we are at it).

Fair enough.

Personally though, I wouldn’t have a baby with somebody who wasn’t happy to marry me.

If you think that was a put-down you must be very sensitive.
You were just stating what OP should do and I disagreed with you - that's all.
Also you are assuming that only OP's opinion matters, yes her DP is being a bit of a twat in not wanting her ex's name or double barrelled but it's still his child. Why do you think one parent being able to erase the other's name, without consultation, is an important consideration? What 'protection' does this give the OP and her children, exactly? What if the kid decides that they want Dad's name instead of Mum's? If he is named on the birth certificate he can also change their name back to his, it's not a privilege reserved for the mother.
The process for changing the surname, whether it's double barrelled or space is the same, the latter doesn't make anything 'easier'. Anything legal will have to go through deed poll. anything not, you can call yourself whatever you like.

Btw a lot of people are hating on the DP for not believing in marriage and ordinary I'd agree that men who won't commit themselves legally and financially aren't to be trusted. But as a higher earning woman I can certainly see why it's not always beneficial. If the OP knows all the pros and cons, and still chooses to procreate with this man it's up to her - not for other people to say 'he won't marry her so he gets less of a say'. She never said that it's what she wants either. she 'doesn't mind'.

Different if he was stringing her along. Who knows, OP might have more assets and earning potential than him anyway.

I'd go with Smith personally! Me and DP (not married) have 3 children and they all have his surname. I'm completely fine with this

OP isn’t.

Maybe double barrel without the dash? Perhaps he’d be ok with that?? Looks nicer imo.

Both of my children have my surname as another middle name. They have their fathers surnames but they both have two middle names, one of which is my surname.

Could you do that as a middle ground?

Similar situation over here, DP has already said he wouldn't be offended if I kept my surname (should we marry) but I'd change it by deed poll so I had two middle names too.

Do not double barrel without out the -

It will cause your child no end of problems with computerised systems

I have gone equivalent of Jones Smith. I wanted my surname first. No admin problems. I insisted and said either we marry or we use this name.

Traditionally children have their mother’s name. It’s just traditionally women were married. In the past, children couldn’t or at least didn’t take their father’s name. Go with tradition op.

We are double barrelled. Dh said me taking his name didn’t make sense and this was the solution we reached. Don’t go Jones-Smith some have suggested as some people just refer to us as the second name, which in our case is mine. I chortle when dh is called Mr (my maiden name), but it will irritate you.

I think the best bet if you’re open to any compromise and as previously suggested is to use Smith as a 3rd middle name.

So your first child has her dads name but new baby can't have their dads name?

You should have never changed your name to your ex-boyfriends. You weren't even married and now your new partner has to deal with not only his GF but also his child having an ex-boyfriend's surname. Insane.

Either change your name back or just give baby dads name like you did with your previous child.

Wow. What a dick. Just give him yours then if your partner is so against double barrelled.

I’m just going to throw this out there, but clearly the OP was happy for her first child DD to take her exP surname, so I can see why current DP is a little disgruntled. Double barrelling is a sensible option in this case.

Double barrelled definitely. My son was registered with his dads surname and we broke up when he was 1 year old. I really wanted to have it changed to include my surname but he made it impossible and would have meant going through the courts etc. I’ve accepted that is his name but if I had the choice again I would have done it differently. Put your foot down.

What does it mean ‘he doesn’t believe in marriage’? I often hear this and wonder why, especially as you seem happy to? Why would it change things. That would put me off being with someone, knowing they didn’t want to marry me but happy to have children together. I know that’s not what you asked but I wouldn’t have kids with a man who wasn’t keen on marrying me.