Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

I was in your husband’s situation in almost a mirror image of this scenario.

I became a Jones and the kids have that name too. If he wants to have the same name as his child he needs to take your name. Anything else is unfair on your DD.

Please please please stick to your guns

Seems like this is unpopular opinion but I don't think names are that important.
I'm not married to my children's father but they both have his surname. With my first baby I thought I would really hate not having the same name as my daughter but it makes zero difference to our lives. We have different names, I'm still their mum, we are no less a family.

My mum gave me her surname of her ex husband as she wanted me and my db to have the same as her as she kep it because of my brother. I’ve hated it my whole life. It’s nothing to do with me. Can’t wait to get married and get rid of it. Both my sons have their dads surname.

He is being ridiculous.
Legally in the UK only the mother can register the baby if you are unmarried, the father can be present if he wants to be on the birth cert but it’s not necessary. So you are obliging him by letting him have any opinion on the matter.
But importantly ( for us when in the same situation anyway ) you need to have the same surname ( or double barrelled ) to fly internationally with your child. Otherwise it can be a hassle & require a letter from the parent with the same name.
if you wouldn’t be changing your name if you did marry, then your DP should take a step back on this one, double barrelling is the best option. It would be the only one I’d be offering him.

Smith-Jones or just Jones. No debate, those are the options. 🤷‍♀️

Why wait until you get married? Do you really just want to swap one man's name for another? If you hate it that much you should have changed it legally as soon as you were able. Or change it now. Take ownership of a name you like and keep it for you and your future children.

So can people never mature and see things clearer and make better decisions?

Same last name as the sibling or it marks them out at school for inquisitive children to ask questions.

If he wont marry you make sure you have as much legal protection as you can for home ownership, named in the Will and pension as a beneficiary.

I feel for the father here. I don't think I would want my child carrying the name of my husbands ex wife tbh.
DP and I are not married. It was always important to him that the kids had his surname. I was fine with that. Not least as my own surname only goes back 4 generations as we were immigrants and had been changed by deedpoll.

You have a surname you chose for whatever reason and have been happy with for over a decade. You want you and your two children to have the same name.
I’d bet my house and all it’s contents if your present partner could give birth he would give the baby his name and wouldn’t budge an inch.
Of COURSE children should have the name of the person who gave birth to them and I will never understand women who change their names without thought. And yes I know it’s probably their fathers name anyway, but we could make more effort to change this ridiculous tradition.

Why don't all of you choose a new name to be known by? And if he doesn't like that, Jones it is.

There is an understandable increase in double-barrel names for all good reasons. But what do the next generation do?

Already answered in the thread.

Whatever they want, just like everyone else. If you want some real world examples, including those used in a language spoken by hundreds of millions of people, read a couple of pages back.

This is exactly what I came on to say, he's manipulating you. He's 'generously and graciously' making out that he's not overly bothered about surnames by giving you an array of options. Options he knows you won't use so that you're left with just the one option - his option!

He's refusing to get married which would influence the surname, he's refusing to give the little one your name...it's all on his terms, isn't it?

I want to say Jones - this is your name and DD’s name, so clear you are a family.

Tradition is baby takes mothers name, so if he doesn’t want to do marriage and you change your name, then oh well.

I changed my name when I got married, but now I’m getting divorced I’m not changing it back. It’s my name, I didn’t borrow it.

@roopertbear could you change your surname by deed poll to your mum's maiden name (Green)? Then you could change Dd's name to Jones-Green and then your DS would be Smith-Green. Then both children have similar surnames then and they'll feel like they have a connection.

The ex boyfriend is ex-husband as well. She changed the name first and than they married. Current boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, so it is a totally different case.

It doesn't make sense to ask a woman to change her surname back after living with it most of her adult life, it's her's name now.

In the current situation the baby can have dad's name though double barreling, or the dad can change his surname to match mother of his child.

Agree.

My DD's name isn't supposed to by hypenated due to the origins of my last name, but DP insisted it was due to the issues with UK systems not understanding people who have more than one last name.

Doesn't it depend on where you live?

No one gives a shit in London.

Presumably Smith & Jones aren't your real surnames?

Smith-Jones makes me think of the comedy series Smith & Jones with Mel Smith & Griff Rhys Jones.

Haven't you heard of deed poll?

I know people, mainly men, who changed their names by deed poll to the person who actually was an involved father to them as children rather than the person who was their sperm donor.

He's refusing to get married which would influence the surname,

absolutely no reason marriage should influence anyone’s surname.

She can register the birth alone but if she isn’t married to the father, she can’t name him on the birth certificate. For him to be named, he has to be present.