Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

IT IS HER NAME.

Could you change your name to Smith-Jones (or Jones-Smith!) now? A bit of a pain but it might be a solution.

But it's your name too, surely?

What an ignorant comment. Do a little bit of research into Spanish culture for a start.

@monsteramunch but only by marriage, it is no connection to our child, and not fair to my partner to give it another man's name

But your maiden name is also another man's name

Well then he can change his.

So another one who thinks women don’t own their names, why is that? Why do only men get to own names in your view?

This is why I'd not be faffing around giving a child of mine any name other than my own. What a mess.
If you're sticking with Jones then that's what the baby should be called. It was your exs name but now it's yours and that's that.
Men who "don't believe in marriage" need to realise that they don't really get a say in what their children are named.
"It's just a piece of paper"... Well, yes, and so is a birth certificate.

Definitely your last name. No question. I would point blank refuse to have a different t surname from my child. If your partner refuses to marry you then you get the same in naming your child. End of story. Only you can register its birth.

THIS!!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum my maiden name is my father's name therefore connected by blood.
@Naunet not sure that's what I said! I wouldn't have had the surname I do without marrying the man that had it.

Jones…it’ll be ‘baby Jones’ in the hospital anyway.

And he wouldn’t have had it without the WOMAN who gave him life. So what? It’s your name now. Why is it so important that the father is connected by name, but not the mother?

This

It just boggles my mind that a baby being named after the mother, is one of the very few traditions that benefit/prioritises women after they’ve risked their health bringing this new life into the world, yet so many women bend over for men on demand and hand it right back over to them.

@Naunet or actually his father's name! Who also contributes 50% towards conception! Having a child in most cases and certainly ours is a joint decision, not one or the others name, so all decisions in our relationship are joint decisions, we're a partnership not a him or I!
Not sure why you're getting so worked up over something that doesn't even affect you.
I also never at any point said I wanted a different name from my child, it's a discussion DP and I are having.
My main point which you clearly missed was I would not want to give our child a different man's name, because in my opinion, of which everyone is entitled to one, it is not fair to DP.
People need to remember just because something is their opinion does not make it right!

Jones is the default option.

What would he say if you called his bluff & agreed to Green for the baby & told him you would double-barrel your own name to Green-Jones. Then you would share a name with each of your DC. You would also be in the egalitarian position that no one in the family had the same surname!

No mate, men have an orgasm and contribute one ‘ingredient’, it’s women’s bodies that create and birth the child, their health that is risked, minimise your biology as much as you like, but don’t do it to other women. But anyway, I ask again, if it’s 50/50, why is it so important the man has his named tied to the child, but not the woman? And stop being so misogynistic as to refer to all last names as men’s names, women own names too.

Good idea!

You can’t name a child the name of your ex partner, that’s just weird, I can see why your partner doesn’t want Jones. If people are gonna have multiple kids by multiple men, which seems to be the norm nowadays, use your maiden name not some bloke who you got you pregnant then buggered of. I can’t understand why you changed your name to suit an ex partner so that you had the same name as your daughter, you should have called her by your maiden name. Change it back or be extra weird and change it to the baby’s dads name, and add his name on the end of your daughters. My sisters kids all have double barrelled names with hers and whichever bloke impregnated her at the time. They are ‘those kids’ at their school where she rocks up covered in tattoos of her kids names that look ridiculous.

My eldest got his dad’s surname when he was born. I never really even gave it a thought. We did eventually get married though. He has an older sister from DH’s previous partner who has her mums name. I dint know what the answer is but seems like the double barrled one is the obvious answer and if he’s not happy with that then yours and your daughters surname. Or choose a new one and all change your names 😁

It's amazing the number of men who believe it's vital they have the same surname as their child but are completely unwilling to change their own last name to make this happen...

I have male acquaintances who are married to women and the children have the mother's last name. This is to stop the name dying out and due to the fact their last name is as common as mud in the UK.

In my case my DP wasn't bothered. However as his last name is one of the most common as muck names in the UK we double barrelled.

The child's name in this case isn't after the mother but a random bloke who is their older sister's father.

So I can see why the OP's partner is upset.

If she isn't going to use his last name then it needs to be her mum's name.