Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

Even if it's literally the mother of the baby's name too?

Let's be honest here - if he doesn't want to get married then legally he doesn't actually have a say in what you call the child. Try reminding him of that 😅 bit of a hypocritical cheek to have issue with what your surname is (and would therefore be passed on to your child if you choose). Not married? None of his business. I'm sounding like one of those raging feminists aren't I? 😅 I totally get it - you want to feel like a family with the same surname. It just happens to not be your current partner's

Sorry, should have mentioned but the age gap will be so big that they won't be at school together at any point.

To those saying I shouldn't have a baby with someone who doesn't want to get married, it's unfortunately a little late for that! I have made peace with not marrying and am financially secure on my own. I won't give up work etc. That being said, it is a reason I am much less willing to give the child his name. If we were engaged I may feel differently.

I like this idea but 1) I don't know if DD's dad would allow, 2) DD is very much old enough for her name to be hers and a part of her identity- I don't just want to go changing it and 3) The surnames in the OP are fake and my mum's surname is actually double barrelled already so that wouldn't work unfortunately.

He would NOT go for this, I guarantee it. Plus I am known by my surname at work and changing it everywhere for a second time would be hassle. And I like my name!

Agree he's out of order. Mine and DP's DD has a double barrelled combination of our surnames (mine first, his second) as we aren't married. The order of our surnames was determined by what flowed better as opposed to me wanting my name first, but he agreed that it flowed better that way anyway. He was happy for her to have both our names. Your DP is unreasonable for not wanting that imo.

Yes, like I say I know it’s wrong to think that way but to me it’s the exP surname.

The same way I’m Mrs X married to Mr X, it’s his family name though not mine. If I were to have another child with someone else I wouldn’t want it to have DH surname because that’s a married name I took with DH. Not sure that makes sense.

I understand most people don’t think this way though.

Neither my name nor his name are in any way unique. Mine is more handsome as a name IMO but neither are awful.

Either double barrel or just your name.
Renember you can register without him, remind him of this. He cannot register without you though.

Your 1st child took their fathers surname, your 2nd child should therefore also take their fathers surname.

Whatever you want to call yourself is up to you. If you don’t mind double barrelled I’d go go ‘Smith-Jones’ so you have a connection with both your children.

Yes your children will have different names but that’s what happens if you have children with multiple partners.

I do know what you mean actually, and I think whether your married name becomes “your” name or not depends on how you feel about it. I can’t imagine DH’s surname ever feeling like my name so it never would be however long I had it for. My Mum on the other hand was very happy to change her name so to me that’s her name, not just my Dad’s. This is just speculation but @Shadowchaser did you become Mrs X for tradition’s sake or for a quiet life rather than because you were really happy about it?

The British tradition until very recently was always that the baby of a unmarried mother has the mother's maiden name. For some reason the demise of marriage and the rise of feminism has coincided with women thinking they have to give the child its Dad's surname. They don't. Give your child your surname. Your partner can lump it. I wouldn't bother double barrelling it, but you can add the partner's surname as a final middle name if you want. Either that or he starts believing in marriage and gets a ring on your finger pronto. There is nothing to 'believe in' in marriage. It is just formal legal recognition that you are next of kin and comes with some tax benefits (such as inheritance tax free transfer of assets if one oof you dies).

I may be reading this wrong but it felt a little judgemental. Two children, over a decade apart, to two people I have been in long-term committed relationships with is hardly 10 children by different one-night stands.

Anyway I don't mind my children having different surnames to each other. I mind them not having a connection to my name.

Also, I named my first as a naive teen who was very angry at her own parents (and before you say anything no it wasn't an ideal situation and in hindsight it wasn't sensible but I was a very troubled teen and once pregnant I worked damn hard at raising her and myself and made a brilliant life for us) and very lost. I chose a name that felt, to me at the time, like family. In hindsight I should have taken my mother's name and given my DD that but, as I can't go back in time 13 years, there's not much to be done about that now.

No, her first child took her surname!

@GabriellaMontez her name is her ex-partners name which she changed by deed poll to match her first child, it’s not her maiden name. I can understand why her current partner wouldn’t want to name his child after her ex-partner!

@roopertbear wasn’t meant to be judgemental, just stating the facts. To me this seems the most logical approach. She still has a connection to both her children’s names, whilst treating both men equally (i.e. they both have their children take their family names). The only downside (although not necessarily a bad thing) is that the 2 siblings would have different names but that’s just what happens sometimes if you have children with different partners.

It's the OPs name. Has been for over a decade. The baby is taking its mother's name.

OPs ex doesn't own the name.

The OPs partner obviously isn't bothered about tradition - he doesn't believe in marriage...

@carduelisI was very happy to become mrs X. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I couldn’t want to get shot of any connection to him.

However, if we were divorced I’m not sure I could remain Mrs X…maybe I would make a name up 😄 Like I say it feels like our name together as family X which includes DH as a part of it… so naming a child of a new partner after that original unit would be strange to me?

Sorry OP probably not helpful, I was just suggesting I could see your current partners perspective.

I would never want my child to have my husband's ex wife's name, you are totally unreasonable

@GabriellaMontez I can understand that the OP feels like this is her name now as she’s used it for so long but I can also understand why the current partner doesn’t want to use it for his child.

As you say though, the partner isn’t bothered about tradition so maybe he only has himself to blame! Doing things untraditionally is obviously causing problems!

Totally agree with this! I’d love to hear what the opinions would be if a man wanted to use his ex-wife’s name for their baby! 😂 I think the responses would be a little different!

This happens all the time!

Man remarries. Has new dc. They have his name. His first wife keeps 'his' name. His first children have his name.

Voila, your children have your husbands ex wife's name!

No one bats an eyelid!

He doesn't get to decree that your surname is not your "real" surname. That's the surname you have!

It seems obvious to me that your dd would have Jones so she shares a surname with her sister. Surely your dp can understand that she will be connected to her sister for more years that either parent?

Take ownership of your own name. If Jones is your name and has been the majority of your adult life then push to for the double barrel. I can see where your partner is coming from as surnames indicate family connection and the double barrel is a nice compromise. I don't, however, think you are doing yourself any favours by referring to 'father's name', 'ex DP's name' / they are all men's names. You may have come to them.that way, but they are yours now.

It's lucky op's name isn't Smith as well, dp's head would probably explode. Will the baby have my name or the ex's name???!