Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

Traditionally babies get their mum's last name (whatever that is and no matter where is originated). Often it's the same name as dad because mum and dad are married and mum has changed her name to the dad's one. If not, historically babies were given their mother's maiden name.

If your dp 'doesn't believe in marriage', fair enough. But he shouldn't then get the perks of it!

There's no way in hell my baby would be given a different last name to me. And when you changed your name it became yours, and it doesn't matter at all where you got it from . That it's now your name is good enough!

I agree that it's double standards however it doesn't change the fact that marriage does influence the choice of surname for many women.

There are a lot of inaccuracies about the history of naming babies in the UK. It has always been more common for a baby to have the father's name unless he is denying the baby. This was for inheritance purposes because women didn't have assets to pass down like men did.

From the deed poll office:

https://deedpolloffice.com/change-name/law/birth-registration

"Parents have can give their child whatever name or surname they want.

"Although it’s traditional to give a child the father’s surname, or, less commonly, the mother’s surname, the child’s surname could be a combination of both (for example) — or something completely different. In fact there’s nothing in the regulations (or in the statute) which restricts the parents’ choice of name (or surname), and the registrar doesn’t have the right to refuse a name, except insofar as he might think it were something illegal (e.g. something racist)."

You could change your name without getting married to smith-jones and then call the baby smith

Inheritance is linked to legitimacy (historically speaking). It didn't matter how many illegitimate sons existed, estates and titles went to the first born legitimate one.
It was only relatively recently that a non married father, who was on the birth certificate, had automatic parental rights.

But why should I make all the compromises? I'd change it if he married me. Otherwise no.

In the end though, you are with a man who doesn't want to marry you and it's sensible to give your baby your name because you don't know what the future holds.

You don't actually have to reach an agreement because as a man who isn't married to the mother, all the legal choices re registration rest with you. You don't have to give any part of his name to your baby, if you don't want to.
Now, I'm not saying to be combative about it if you can avoid it, but the fact is he wants the benefit of being married without the commitment to the mother of his child.

because he can't, many men (and women) wouldn't either. Unfortunately that's just how life is.

Don't agree to give baby his name on a promise that he'll marry you down the line - it won't happen. A lot of women have been caught out with that one.

It's just a name!! Is it really that important?! So what if you don't have the same name as your child, they could decide to change it by deed poll when they're 18. I really don't understand all the fuss over a surname. Call them Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. That's just as good.

"Unfortunately that's just how life is."

OP isn't obliged to indulge this backward, misogynistic attitude though.

Except I'd rather not have all the hassle trying to take them abroad if my surname is Jones and his is Smith and their's is Hammock. I would've thought that was obvious. And if surnames don't matter then he's making as much 'fuss over nothing' as I am, surely?

Don't change your name even if you get married. You know what a hassle that's been.

DP and I gave our DS both our surnames, not hyphenated. So "Jones Smith" and that's what's on his birth cert and passport . But he is just known (at nursery, by everyone) as DS Smith, which is DP's name. I felt strongly about DS having my name legally but wasn't bothered about him being called it or not - I'm not a fan of my surname - so this was an easy decision for us. And DS can always decide he wants to be known by both names, or indeed just mine, in future.

FWIW DP would have also been okay if he went by DS Jones. Or says he would have been at least.

Is it important to you that your DC be known by your name too?

Baby gets your name. Statistically there's a decent chance you'll be left holding the baby anyway (to borrow the phrase) and it'll be less infuriating if the baby has your name not that of a potentially uninvolved ex.

100% give baby your name. DP can't have it both ways! Why is he so against marriage out of interest? Would be consider civil partnering?

If you're upset that he won't marry you, you need to deal with that as an adult relationship issue. You're seriously sounding like you're using the child's name (and therefore, the child) as a weapon because he won't give you what you want out of your relationship.

Think carefully before you take that kind of venomous approach to co-parenting.

You changed your name because you didn't want your first child to seem illegitimate due to your own archaic views. You're fine walking around with some exes surname as a result. You now have a child with THIS man. He doesn't want the name of a man you changed to. That's ridiculous!

There is no way the child should be solely registered in this name alone.

Keep your relationship woes out of your co-parenting relationship.

There's no hassle. My parents were not married. Never had any hassle as a child. My own children aren't in my surname. Never had an issue. I've taken a step child abroad without any of their parents..Never had an issue.

You're reaching. This is about punishing him for not marrying you. Get over it for your child's sake because this won't be the end of it. See a therapist. Break up with him. But stop weaponising the child. Please.

stand by your guns OP = baby gets your name!

you are not married, baby should have your name anyhow - thats all there is to it!

once he births a baby then give him the sirname

royally pisses me off when women just bow to their partners and give the children the mans name!

She wants to give it her ex's surname. That's creepy. It was creepy changing it to the exes to begin with.

Exactly this.
The bloody cheek of so many men who automatically think their child gets their name when they won't marry the mother.

The naivety of so many women who walk into the situation eyes wide open and end up in the shit. Loads of MNetters on here over the years who regret that decision!

I always wonder with threads like this whether the "poor ickle menz" posters are men - or if a lot of women just really hate women?

Given that women undertake ALL the physical labour of pregnancy and childbirth and (a lot of the time) the lion's share of the child rearing, of course they get to choose the surname!

@Appleontherocks

You're reaching. This is about punishing him for not marrying you. Get over it for your child's sake because this won't be the end of it. See a therapist. Break up with him. But stop weaponising the child. Please.

Saying all this and accusing someone else of reaching is... interesting!

🤣