Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

Presumably Smith and Jones are not the real names. The other names were Brown and Green. So I think OP just plucked some common surnames out of the air to use as examples. She's not going to put something identifiable like her surname is McQuillan and her partner's is Rowbotham is she??

Jones or Jones-Smith are the only options
Baby should definitely share yours and older sibling's name.

i don’t blame partner for not wanting another man’s name for his child.

why can’t he just see it as his partner’s name? Presumably it isn’t unique and there are hundreds of not thousands of other people in the world with it.

Are people not reading this right?

So you want your new baby, with your new partner to have your ex partners surname? This to me is WEIRD!

I can see why he has an issue with this. Instead of changing your surname to match your first partner’s and first child, you should have given your child your own surname.

If the shoe was on the other foot… would you name your child after your current partners ex? I think not!

It’s not HER surname. It’s her ex partners surname. They were never married but she changed her name by deed poll. She’s effectively naming her new baby (with new partner) after her ex!

You may hope...

However some of us do have unique names and everyone with the name is related to us.

I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if my surname was the same as my mum's but only because she'd changed it before I was born to match the surname of my older half siblings dad.

I think I'd like having the same name as my sibling as that would make the most difference to me in school and be visible to teachers, friends etc in a way that would give me an obvious family tie with my sister and not have anyone wondering or asking for an explanation.

So I think Jones is probably the best option. But there is a doubt in my mind that maybe I would feel unhappy when looking at family trees came up, to know that my surname came originally from my half sisters family ancestors and not mine, regardless of the patriarchy.

I'm not sure which concern would affect me more as this is completely hypothetical for me and difficult to really understand if it's not your situation. Names and identity are so strongly linked to how people feel about themselves that I would worry about the stronger connection to my sisters family than my own.

I mean I would worry about whether the origins of the name Jones would make me feel uncomfortable or missing some connection to my family if I was the baby that got the name Jones that is my mothers because she had previously dated a man named Jones.

I've now convinced myself that Jones is not the best choice as the baby once older might feel "less of" a Jones than their sister and so have lasting feelings of inadequacy.

I think Smith-Jones is the safest option. A strong sense of identity, self and belonging, which can be strongly impacted by name, is really important to someone's lifelong self esteem.

If he doesn’t believe in the tradition of marriage, he has no need to follow the tradition of the child having the father’s surname. Your children should have the same surname as you and as each other.

Unless I've missed it no-one has answered my question about when a surname becomes a woman's. So I'm posting it again.

Of course it influences it. It doesn't force a change but it influences whether or not you take your husbands name or keep your own.

I agree with everyone else. Jones or Jones - smith.

Not a decision expected of men though. Which is double standard no woman should accept.

I agree with him, Your DD has no association with your ex

They were married. The OP clarified. But even if they weren’t of course it’s her bloody name!

She does have an association with her mother and sister @sparkleshin .

What is her name if not Jones? 😡

Just pointing out that if you double-barrel then some will wilfully ignore it and use your husband’s surname anyway. Our kids are double-barrelled, everyone knows they’re double-barrelled, one particular in-law “forgets” they’re double-barrelled every birthday…

I would like to know the answer to this too.

Really gets my goat when people say “why are you so bothered about keeping your surname? It’s just a man’s name after all” - I don’t agree anyway (it’s the name my mother chose, and the name both parents gave to me and my siblings), but if you want to take that line then it’s either my father’s surname or my father-in-law’s and I know which one I’m closer to.

Also waiting for the answer to this...

The name she shares with her other dc too.

He can't...they aren't married.

Jones. If he cares that much, he should get married.

Personally I think it would be strange to give a new baby with a current partner the surname of an ex partner.

Clearly I’m in the minority though!

He is a cheeky bastard

Your name is your choice. The baby gets your surname . Probably safer that way for when you split