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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname issue

498 replies

roopertbear · 10/09/2023 21:50

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

OP posts:
movedonfromsmithy · 10/09/2023 21:54

My son has my maiden name. Not my married surname.

I'm now back to my maiden name (changed by deed poll after divorce) so we both have the same name!

FettleOfKish · 10/09/2023 21:55

Jones, no question. When he's carried and birthed the child he can have a say. If he wants the same surname as his child so badly then he can change his to Jones too.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 10/09/2023 21:56

Either of your options are good, his are wrong.

I'd also think it important that my children had linked surnames so either double barrelled or just both Jones.

WunWun · 10/09/2023 21:56

We double-barrelled DD's surname when we split up. Could you do that for your DD?

AnSolas · 10/09/2023 21:57

DS gets your and DD's last name

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/09/2023 21:57

If he doesn't believe in marriage why is he being so controlling and weird about surnames? He can't have this both ways.

I don't have a problem with him not wanting to get married: I wouldn't want to get married either. But you can't insist on applying a traditional and patriarchal approach to naming your child if you don't want a combined family unit, surely?

Also what's wrong with double-barrelling? It seems the fairest and most egalitarian approach.

I would want know why he's so hell-bent on the family having "his" name if he doesn't want to formalise this.

Tandora · 10/09/2023 21:58

Your husband is being totally unreasonable, and he is manipulating you by suggesting Green and Brown. He knows this makes no sense and wouldn’t be acceptable to you, but he’s offering them to pretend it’s not that he doesn’t want the child to have your surname. You are being very reasonable in offering him double barrelled. He doesn’t want a double barrelled name, the baby gets your name, end of. You are not married so he has no power over registering the birth so he’ll have to suck it up.

StressBless · 10/09/2023 21:58

I’d discount Brown as you (understandably) don’t want a connection to that. I agree with you, it’s either Smith-Jones or Jones.

Chestnutz · 10/09/2023 21:58

His surname as middle name. Yours as surname.

FloweryWowery · 10/09/2023 22:01

Is it not the convention that if unmarried, the mother's name is used?

SeulementUneFois · 10/09/2023 22:01

Name the baby your name, Jones.
Your partner can change his name to Jones.

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:02

Your child takes your name. If you were being generous you could double-barrelled.

Is there a risk he'll register the birth without you?

BeeHappy12 · 10/09/2023 22:03

Smith - Jones or Jones...no real other options

UnsolicitedOpinions · 10/09/2023 22:03

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:02

Your child takes your name. If you were being generous you could double-barrelled.

Is there a risk he'll register the birth without you?

A father cannot register the birth alone if they are not married.

Adreno · 10/09/2023 22:03

The baby gets the mother’s surname so it should be Jones.

JaiynDough · 10/09/2023 22:04

Jones or Jones-Smith.

No negotiation about it.

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:05

UnsolicitedOpinions · 10/09/2023 22:03

A father cannot register the birth alone if they are not married.

Show quote history

Ah sorry I read the .gov.uk site wrongly.

Good.

user1497864954 · 10/09/2023 22:05

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:02

Your child takes your name. If you were being generous you could double-barrelled.

Is there a risk he'll register the birth without you?

I thought that if the parents are unmarried that both had to be present at registration interview.? Personally I would allow the fathers surname. My nephews daughter has his surname but his daughters other two names fully represent her mother's heritage. Both parents happy.

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:07

user1497864954 · 10/09/2023 22:05

I thought that if the parents are unmarried that both had to be present at registration interview.? Personally I would allow the fathers surname. My nephews daughter has his surname but his daughters other two names fully represent her mother's heritage. Both parents happy.

Show quote history

But OP isn't happy with that?

JulesJules · 10/09/2023 22:08

Smith-Jones or Jones with or without Smith as an extra middle name.

He doesn't believe in marriage but does believe in patriarchal naming traditions?

C8H10N4O2 · 10/09/2023 22:08

Jones.

He doesn't get to dictate your choice of name for yourself. If you are not sharing a name by choice or marriage then the child takes your name.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 22:10

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:02

Your child takes your name. If you were being generous you could double-barrelled.

Is there a risk he'll register the birth without you?

He can't

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 22:11

user1497864954 · 10/09/2023 22:05

I thought that if the parents are unmarried that both had to be present at registration interview.? Personally I would allow the fathers surname. My nephews daughter has his surname but his daughters other two names fully represent her mother's heritage. Both parents happy.

Show quote history

No. Mother can go on her own if she wishes

AnneElliott · 10/09/2023 22:12

I think you should I give the baby your name. It might have been your ex DPs but it is your name now. And unless it's so unique there will be lots of other people with the name as well.

Tandora · 10/09/2023 22:12

user1497864954 · 10/09/2023 22:05

I thought that if the parents are unmarried that both had to be present at registration interview.? Personally I would allow the fathers surname. My nephews daughter has his surname but his daughters other two names fully represent her mother's heritage. Both parents happy.

Show quote history

personally I would allow the father’s surname

why?

What your nephew and his partner are happy with is of no relevance .