Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

Well, I’ll not get into that here having already been piled on tonight for not supporting “a woman’s right to choose” <head->wall>

But I agree. Everyone just keeping their names, and babies getting the name (chosen or given) of the person that grew them sounds pretty good to me.

I sort of see his point with Jones though. He is step-dad to your DD Jones and likely to be thought of or mistaken for also being step-dad to new baby Jones. It could complicate things with school, travel, medical decisions if authorities assume that baby Jones is the biological child of your ex Jones just like baby’s elder sister Jones.

So I don’t think just Jones is a very good idea.

I think Jones-Smith is the best idea.

Agreed. It would solve a lot of this shit

I do see his point about his child having your Ex's surname, but I also don't think the baby should have just his surname of Smith

There's no point in the child having your maiden name as you don't use it.

The biggest mistake IMO was changing your surname by deed poll to match a man who didn’t/ wouldn't marry you... but you were okay giving your child his surname.

It's like pretending your married when you're not. Comes over as a bit desperate. If a man doesn't wavt marriage... then he doesn't get to have a child have his surname alone.

I remember a news story of a woman who did this (changed her surname by deed poll to match the kids) and when she won the lottery her partner was suddenly very keen to get married. I would have told him.. there is a plus side to not being married and that money would be MINE not OURS.

I hadn't thought of that but that's a reasonable point.

We had this situation too because DP won't get married. I was happy with Smith-Jones or Jones. I categorically said no to just Smith on the basis I was carrying the baby for 9 months and then going through labour. Baby was going to be Smith-Jones but when DP witnessed how graphic labour actually is he decided he was happy with just Jones!

How is all that made easier by baby not having its mother’s name though?

No, she made a conscious decision and chose it. No one can steal a name. Why is it less her name than any other name than her father's or maternal grandfather's would be.
OP the decision on what to name your child is yours.

Jones. That's what your DD is called and I would want my children to have the same surname.

He doesn't want to get married, fine, but he can't have it both ways!

I double barrelled MY name, so I had my ex surname that I share with two daughters and new daughters surname

Agree with @SandyY2K

I just find it odd to give a baby a name they have no biological connection to (unless they are adopted) but I accept I'm in the minority here

But the first partner did. The first partner got his child named after him and the unmarried mum changed her name too.

Jones

Your DP is acting like a petulant child.

Why is he dictating his surname when he won't even marry you? Is he growing the baby for 9 months? Is he birthing the baby? No? Oh ok, then let your new baby have the same surname as it's sibling and mother who has done all the hard bloody work.

This is just an ego thing, my friend had the same issue with her ex BF insisting their baby had his surname when they'd already split up at the start of the pregnancy after he cheated on her. They ended up double-barrelling which he didn't like either. He was lucky to get that, in my view.

So in your care iy would he me that became Smith-Jones

They have different dads why can't they have different surnames?

It’s also her older child’s too!

Also unless the surname is terribly unique, her ex husband doesn’t exclusively own the name and I’m sure plenty of unrelated people use it too.

Before learning her lesson. Why repeat history?!

I see his point of view. However, he needs to accept the child will be Jones as you are. It can be Smith as well.

But it would be exactly the same if OP had kept her maiden name and given first child her surname only.

Jones is OPs chosen name, it matches her ex but he doesn't own it. There will be a large number of other 'jones'' around the world.

If OP wanted she could approach her ex about changing her DDs name to 'Jones-Green', changing her own name to 'Green' then new baby could be 'Green' or 'Smith -Green'. But why should 2 people that are perfectly happy with their names have to change them to appease her new partner that 'doesn't agree with marriage' yet wants to insist baby has only their name lest it hurt their ego because the name would match not only his partners name but her ex's too.

It is? Because doubled barrelled Jones-Smith means the baby has both mum and dads names.

Mum’s surname. Let the big man change his name if it’s so important they match.

I can see why if feels unfair to him and I can see why he might feel "less than" the ex. But then he can't be arsed to get married either so yeah . No say.

But that wouldn't be changing his name to match his partner name, it would be 'another mans name' 😱😱 because clearly names belong to men still 🙄

If he won’t accept the perfectly reasonable compromise of the double barrel, then your name.

Jones, or if you're feeling generous Smith Jones.

Your name is your name OP, regardless of who o/s of yourself and your daughter has it.

Doesn't 'believe' in marriage? Have you told him that it definitely exists? Not being married also means that he has no parental responsibility to your joint child until you bame him as the father.