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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to install antenna to use Internet from my property

164 replies

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 13:50

My ex reluctantly left a few months ago as he was emotionally abusive and controlling, and hurt the children more than once. He rents a shared property around the corner and over the road (bit too close for comfort, but at least he's not in the house).

I was concerned he had access to my phone somehow, he knew things I'd talked about in private etc and he's extremely tech savvy (part of his job). So I bought a new phone and haven't connected it to the house WiFi, which he still pays for. Now he wants to install an antenna on the outside of my house so he can access the WiFi at his new place. He needs a good connection for wfh, and says the Internet at his new place is rubbish (we have the fastest you can get here). He won't ask his landlord about upgrading or moving his contract over there, claiming it would require the house to be rewired.

AIBU to think he wants access to spy on me somehow or am I being paranoid? When I asked him who the internet was with the other month he claimed he couldn't remember, and I don't have the password to access it (my laptop and the TV etc are already connected so I only ever ask for it if I have a guest who wants to connect, and he never tells me).

OP posts:
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7
Hawkins0009 · 10/09/2023 18:09

@Wifispy

ihadamarveloustime · 10/09/2023 18:10

Sounds like he was definitely spying on you via your phone and the attempt with the alexa/echo device.

Glad you're getting a new broadband provider. Don't give the kids the passwords; enter it on their devices yourself and tell them they're not allowed to share it or show it to anyone, including their dad.

change it regularly to be sure.

Thatladdo · 10/09/2023 18:12

Name99 · 10/09/2023 18:07

Why has he done this in your opinion, what's the benefit?

Show quote history

  1. Could be innocent, just changed the resistor for a brighter/dimmer light, ive never bothered to take one to peices but its possible theres a little disc of opaque material between the inner side of the lense and the leds, he didnt put this back in and thats why you can now see the black IC's

  2. Could be malevilent and theres something else inside allowing him to snoop.

Given he has "inside" information he couldnt have had genuinely, gives a little weight to the second theory.

ThereIbledit · 10/09/2023 18:14

I agree with those urging you to move house. But yes big yes also to asking the police to check for gadgets

Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 18:16

Thanks for your words of support, it means a lot! It is not a nice feeling and I switch between feeling paranoid and really annoyed!

To answer a previous poster, I was allowed no input into the broadband provider, power suppliers, tv packages or many other decisions around the house, including a ban on doing any DIY, such was his control over my life. This was despite me always bringing money in (not as much as him due to childcare, a point he really liked to make known). He made a really complicated password which I used to connect my devices initially and didn't keep a copy of. I know now who the provider is, having found the router, and am going with a different company.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 18:18

We jointly own the house which makes moving tricky. Agree that this would be the only way to make sure everything was clean though.

OP posts:
Mistressanne · 10/09/2023 18:19

NewName122 · 10/09/2023 13:55

I pay £22pm for superfast broadband. If he says he will stop it set it up in your name

Who do you use please?

RandomMess · 10/09/2023 18:23

Please apply for an occupation order so he cannot set foot in the house again.

Thatladdo · 10/09/2023 18:26

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 18:18

We jointly own the house which makes moving tricky. Agree that this would be the only way to make sure everything was clean though.

Its tricky and arkward, im sorry you in this situation at the moment but it ill pass and lessons have been learned.
In the meantime if you dont feel you personal safety is at risk, id be tempted to have some fun with it. Talk loudly and clearly about all these wonderful men youve met, perhaps on might be in the police and involved in special branch, or throw 3 sheets to the wind and say they work for mi5 or SIS 😆
Perhaps he might be a musclebound meathead and hes not happy and asking questions about your ex wanting to use your broadband...
The worlds your playground!

Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 18:38

Oh I'd love to do this, but would fear the repercussions! It's always in the back of my mind that he could totally flip out one day.

I also just remembered that when he was in the army (long time before we met), his job was focused on communications. 🤔

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 10/09/2023 18:41

I used to work with a recently-left Signals officer, who maintained that nothing on a phone was "private"

MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2023 18:51

You shouldn’t be fearing repercussions. There should be no repercussions as he doesn’t need to know anything about your life, other than arrangements for the DC. I do know how you feel, I was there myself. Learning to get him out of your head, and making decisions yourself without constant worry is possible.

As I said the Freedom Programme, and if you’ve not done so consider calling WA. They will have seen this situation before, and have information/advice on how to deal with it.

Hawkins0009 · 10/09/2023 18:52

PigletJohn · 10/09/2023 18:41

I used to work with a recently-left Signals officer, who maintained that nothing on a phone was "private"

previously it was echelon system, then theirs the five eyes agreement ect, with tech today i would presume we would have the machine system or Samaritan from person of interest, or something similar.

RandomMess · 10/09/2023 18:52

The fact you are scared of him flipping out is exactly why you should speak to Rights of Women about an occupation order and a non-molestation order.

The divorce can still go through, the house still sold etc etc.

Locutus2000 · 10/09/2023 19:15

OP, I've been thinking and if this guy is as dodgy as you say I'm wondering if you should withdraw this thread - surely he would know you use mumsnet to seek advice for stuff and this is all very outing.

OneLittleFinger · 10/09/2023 19:18

I'd use the fact that he kept you in the dark about all this to your advantage: you don't understand any of it so you're making your like as simple as possible and getting rid of all the smart stuff: plugs, light bulbs, Alexa, etc etc.

NunsKnickers · 10/09/2023 19:28

Get this thread deleted and get some expert advice. I would also try and find someone to come to your house to check for anything suspicious.

Lolapusht · 10/09/2023 19:29

.

Shadesofscarlett · 10/09/2023 19:38

you need to lawyer up and get rid of him, and the house, if necessary

Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 19:40

He doesn't have a key but has been coming in to see the kids. I might put a stop to that as he is definitely the type to just do whatever he wants. I was close to an occupation order when asking him to leave, and was glad to avoid that, but it's certainly an option.

OP posts:
hellohelp · 10/09/2023 19:48

Jesus. So bloody scary when you can't relax in your own home

AnIndianWoman · 10/09/2023 19:55

I would contact his employer - seems like he might be misusing company resources

RandomButtons · 10/09/2023 20:24

An antenna on your house won’t give him any better than 4G will.

Dont give him access to anything.

RandomMess · 10/09/2023 20:38

Please carry on with the occupation order otherwise you cannot prevent him accessing the house.

Original poster
Wifispy · 16/09/2023 19:08

Oh God he's just come to ours after a trip out with the kids and tried to interrogate me as to why I've changed the Internet. I just said I didn't want to talk about it, he stood there looking annoyed for ages whilst I was trying to eat my dinner. He was away with work last week so I didn't have to worry then. I know I'll have a barrage of messages later if I don't say anything now.

OP posts: