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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to install antenna to use Internet from my property

164 replies

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 13:50

My ex reluctantly left a few months ago as he was emotionally abusive and controlling, and hurt the children more than once. He rents a shared property around the corner and over the road (bit too close for comfort, but at least he's not in the house).

I was concerned he had access to my phone somehow, he knew things I'd talked about in private etc and he's extremely tech savvy (part of his job). So I bought a new phone and haven't connected it to the house WiFi, which he still pays for. Now he wants to install an antenna on the outside of my house so he can access the WiFi at his new place. He needs a good connection for wfh, and says the Internet at his new place is rubbish (we have the fastest you can get here). He won't ask his landlord about upgrading or moving his contract over there, claiming it would require the house to be rewired.

AIBU to think he wants access to spy on me somehow or am I being paranoid? When I asked him who the internet was with the other month he claimed he couldn't remember, and I don't have the password to access it (my laptop and the TV etc are already connected so I only ever ask for it if I have a guest who wants to connect, and he never tells me).

OP posts:
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SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/09/2023 14:11

@Wifispy Absolutely, I've had dealings with someone like this, they can be extremely convincing. Mine was my aunt who conned my DF out of all but £10k of his inheritance of a large house in a very expensive area by telling him "the council said the (privately owned) house needed £100,000s of mandatory repairs" which was absolute rubbish.

ana101012 · 10/09/2023 14:16

Do you have any cameras in the house he could be connected to? Like baby monitor type things. I have one for my daughter that connects to phone and worked out that my Ex was watching/listening to it on his phone as you don't have to be connected to wifi to use it! Safe to say it's now in the bin! X

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/09/2023 14:16

https://uk.norton.com/blog/how-to/how-to-find-hidden-cameras

Might be useful?

Redavocadoes · 10/09/2023 14:21

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:07

This is exactly what I thought, that wired would always be faster! He claims they only have WiFi at his, which can't be right?

I did get so paranoid at one point that I checked some of the light fittings. He'd dismantled two LED light bulbs at one point and it got me worried.

He is talking rubbish. He can get mobile broadband.

Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:23

He connected tado controllers to all the radiators, which involved him using a hacksaw to cut the pipes. That's all controlled via the WiFi.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:23

Thank you @BrightYellowDaffodil I'll give that a read.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2023 14:28

You’re not being paranoid. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. What you do in your own house is your own business, nothing to do with him , in fact you don’t need to tell him anything either. About your internet provider for example.

It’s easier said than done I know. The dynamics of an abusive, controlling /coercive relationship continue even after separation. It’s really difficult not to simply appease especially if you have children.

Please have a look at the Freedom Programme, even online. It is a game changer both looking back, and moving forward. Finally all the stuff he’s spun you in your first post is utter crap as you know.

Burnamer · 10/09/2023 14:30

If your kids have Apple devices and he asks to join your Wi-Fi, their devices can share the password directly without the kids knowing it. I’m far from tech-savvy so I don’t know what he might then be able to do but I’d find a way to disable that function on any of your kids devices, just in case.

he sounds really scary and controlling. I’d assume that being extra paranoid is in fact healthy in this case and the safest way forwards

Itick8outof10boxes · 10/09/2023 14:31

Two words FUCK OFF. Change passwords etc, do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. He's an ex and a massive twat to boot.

MoxieFox · 10/09/2023 14:33

He is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Tell him no to the antenna. He doesn’t need one.

Stop the broadband and start your own contract and insist on all new equipment for home wifi. Make sure it is secure and don’t let the kids share the password with him. Or you can always change it everytime they go to visit him.

His landlord has nothing to do with broadband or wifi at his new home. That is a utility that he has to arrange and no a house won’t need “re-wiring” to upgrade the broadband speed. He is full of shit. Tell him to get his own wifi at his own home.

At best he is trying to piggyback off your wifi for free and at worst he will also be sucking up your bandwidth that you pay for while monitoring your internet activity. Both are illegal. Your ISP provider will clock on to this antenna being a device connecting to the wifi and you will be the one to take the fall as it is on your home. He will say you were in on it.

MoxieFox · 10/09/2023 14:35

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:23

He connected tado controllers to all the radiators, which involved him using a hacksaw to cut the pipes. That's all controlled via the WiFi.

Oh god, under no circumstances is he is to have any access to your wifi. He can sit in his home round the corner and shut your heat off remotely to control you by threatening you and children with a cold home,

You need to get those devices disabled.

jay55 · 10/09/2023 14:36

Also check for key loggers and other spy software on all devices.

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/09/2023 14:39

You're not paranoid.

He is spying on you. He knows the conversations that you are having in private.

Unless he's the world's first actual mind-reader, he's listening in somehow. Find it.

I know nothing about all this, but someone who does will be along soon to tell you "xyz is the most likely way, so check here, and here etc..."

He could have planted a camera or listening device. He could be listening through a baby monitor on the WiFi.

You are not paranoid. Have you googled "best way to bug a house" to see what he may have done?

Change the WiFi provider immediately.

Itick8outof10boxes · 10/09/2023 14:39

Are you in rented, HA or buying? Might be able to get help sorting the radiator pipes repaired etc if need be.

pikkumyy77 · 10/09/2023 14:43

Start recognizing that this is coercive control. Treat your house as your castle and block his control everywhere even if you need to hire someone to come and review your house for safety protocols.

Second: don’t engage on these topics via whatsapp or anywhere else. Just say, vaguely “oh, no, I won’t be doing that/allowing that.” Don’t give any reason. If he tries to argue or persuade you just say “bye now, must be going.”

Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:44

I definitely need to do this more@pikkumyy77. By engaging I get confused when I am so clear before this.

OP posts:
Burnamer · 10/09/2023 14:44

If he has a key stroke logger he’ll be reading this thread.

Thatladdo · 10/09/2023 14:46

You describe him as tech savvy, depending how tech savvy he is allowing him ( or anyone) to use your wifi - your home network is a very dangerous thing to do.
Potentialy your giving him access to any devices connected to that network, phones, tablets, computers, cctv/ring, smarthome devices like thermostats / alexa etc including cameras and mic's on said devices.

He could monitor your "traffic" - ie everything thats sent though or over your internet connection.

He would also be using your IP address, which come back to you and your house, a few searches for lets call them "terrible things" and you could be receiving an unannounced visit from the security services or get caught up in a child protection investigation by the police.

In the strongest possible way, i recommend you DO NOT allow someone to access / use it.

pikkumyy77 · 10/09/2023 14:47

Submission and confusion are both signs that you are in a toxic relationship with someone who is a skilled abuser. Read Out Of The Fog and maybe Lundy’s Why Does He Do That (or look online for resources) to better identify when and how you are being manipulated.

TerfTalking · 10/09/2023 14:50

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:07

This is exactly what I thought, that wired would always be faster! He claims they only have WiFi at his, which can't be right?

I did get so paranoid at one point that I checked some of the light fittings. He'd dismantled two LED light bulbs at one point and it got me worried.

He can literally plug an Ethernet RJ45 cable into the back of the router to get a wired connection. He’s lying.

Delphigirl · 10/09/2023 14:51

Burnamer · 10/09/2023 14:30

If your kids have Apple devices and he asks to join your Wi-Fi, their devices can share the password directly without the kids knowing it. I’m far from tech-savvy so I don’t know what he might then be able to do but I’d find a way to disable that function on any of your kids devices, just in case.

he sounds really scary and controlling. I’d assume that being extra paranoid is in fact healthy in this case and the safest way forwards

If you get a new router you should be able to set a main password and then also set up a parallel network for guests. Anyone on that network won’t be able to mess with/hack devices on the main router. Give the guest network a totally different name and password and keep your kids on that one. Give your main network a gobbledygook name (E700sg-1c3 or something) and a properly unguessable password and use that for eg your phone, laptop, smart tv etc.

Original poster
Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:54

@Burnamer I'm sincerely hoping this device is safe, it's a new mobile that's never been connected to WiFi.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 14:57

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:54

@Burnamer I'm sincerely hoping this device is safe, it's a new mobile that's never been connected to WiFi.

Change your userrname/password anyway

Balloonhearts · 10/09/2023 14:58

I'd be very careful as pp said about kids devices password sharing. Change your landlines. Any tablets, computers need a malware scan before entering any passwords on them. Make sure it is set to scan for root kits and enable heuristics scanning. If he has something on there and it won't run, you might need to run a chameleon to get it going.

Thatladdo · 10/09/2023 14:59

Wifispy · 10/09/2023 14:07

This is exactly what I thought, that wired would always be faster! He claims they only have WiFi at his, which can't be right?

I did get so paranoid at one point that I checked some of the light fittings. He'd dismantled two LED light bulbs at one point and it got me worried.

Ive just seen this Op

Yes he can just plug into the router, if he doesnt have enough ports he can use a switch - sounds like he would know this, but

Tell me more about him taking LED lamps apart? How do you know he did this and have you checked all of them, what else has he fiddled about with?
(this is a little concerning but might be nothing)