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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her coming in the house?

354 replies

Ogy · 10/09/2023 09:49

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/09/2023 12:33

I guess she has sort of been invited in because you've not put a stop to it right away. Your acceptance is making her think it's OK.

I get it - no way would I let my kid's stepmother in my house for example! Or my XH for that matter. You just need to pick how your going to fix it - lock the door or get your DH to ask her not to.

ZekeZeke · 10/09/2023 12:33

You need to lock your door. Simple!!!^^

Crayfishforyou · 10/09/2023 12:34

DH’s ex used to do similar, she would barge in when I opened the door. She would stand in my living room, smile and say nasty things at me.
I stopped opening the door to her, I would lean out the window to tell her dsd would be out in a minute instead.
She was furious about it.

IncompleteSenten · 10/09/2023 12:35

You can't work on what others should or should not do. You can only work on what they actually do.
I'm not doing X because I shouldn't have to do x because they shouldn't be doing y - doesn't help.

She is walking into your home. You either tell her to stop or you lock the door so she can't get in. And tell her her daughter will be out in a minute and you'll tell her her mum is waiting in the car for her.

It'd be lovely if people only ever did what they should do but that's very unrealistic.

LAMPS1 · 10/09/2023 12:37

I think your starting point on this issue is considering ….
Is your DSD allowed to invite her mum into the house to wait for her while she collects her stuff or not? If she is, then into which bit of space of your house is the mum allowed to wait. If she isn’t allowed to invite her mum in, then your DH has to instruct his DSD to say something like…. ‘Hi mum, if you wait in the car I’ll be there in two secs’
Once that is established you are half way there.

The rest is solved by locking your front door which you need to get into the habit of doing for insurance purposes.

YANBU to be upset by the sudden appearance of woman who blanks you, and who has been rude to you in the past, in your own home.
But you are BU in that you seem to want to escalate this issue rather than solve it, which could be done so easily.

Also, is it possible the mum wants to bury the hatchet and be civil, hoping you might feel the same? After all, this same charade must be happening twice a week ?
I do feel sorry for your DSD with all the awkwardness around this issue when you and DH have the ability to make it all easier for her.

BreatheAndFocus · 10/09/2023 12:39

Why is she turning up early and late? That unpredictability can’t help things. Make sure DSD has her things ready in advance of her mum arriving. Keep your door locked and when she rings, tell her DSD will be out in a couple of minutes.

I’d also ask your DH to request that she stick to the pre-arranged collection time.

millymog11 · 10/09/2023 12:51

why is there so much animosity between you and the mother of your husband's oldest child OP?

Did you get together with your husband when he was still with this woman?

Floofydawg · 10/09/2023 12:52

Ah we had one like this. Used to step inside and I had to make smalltalk with her whilst DSSs messed around getting their things together for 10 minutes. Got fed up of it and answered the door and told her the boys would be out in 10 then closed door. Problem solved.

Lock the door and politely repeat the above.

Dweetfidilove · 10/09/2023 13:05

Literally!

DSD doesn’t even need to be involved.

March her right back outside once and it’s done.

Floofydawg · 10/09/2023 13:07

millymog11 · 10/09/2023 12:51

why is there so much animosity between you and the mother of your husband's oldest child OP?

Did you get together with your husband when he was still with this woman?

There doesn't have to be animosity for you to not want to be disturbed in your own house all the time. Why would you make such a leap that OP was the OW? Ridiculous response.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2023 13:08

I completely get what you are saying. We used to have neighbours children walking into our house via the back door at all hours. Once at 10 pm. And I had to be the bad guy put a stop to it as we had no privacy. I would never let mine do that either.

My DC used to drive me mad saying they were ready, when in reality they'd have to spend a further 15 minutes to go to the loo or search the house for a missing shoe.
I used to encourage them to have everything they need by the front door, packed and ready and shoes/coat/phone/bus pass next to that. We didn't always manage it but it stopped that annoying thing of having them wait until they were told its time to go before they gathered stuff. It didn't always work, but it did improve things, especially if someone else was giving them a lift, and its good training anyway.
Could you encourage your DSD, very nicely, to do that? I know its awkward if you don't know the exact time, but give a half hour warning, 15 minute warning and help her get her stuff to front door initially (so she gets the hang of it) and five minutes before "shoes on?"
I think if you do that she will start telling her mum to be on time so that she's not waiting around completely ready and it will take th pressure off you a bit.

Beautiful3 · 10/09/2023 13:16

This is perfect, do this:-

@AdviceNeededForMe · Today 10:01

"Just lock the door. Also ask DD to say to her “ok, wait in the car, ill be out in a minute”"

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 10/09/2023 13:20

OMG This is like cancel the cheque............ Just LOCK the door 😂

JMSA · 10/09/2023 13:21

It's all about control with her. She's enjoying the control she's having over you by walking uninvited into your home. In the ideal world, she'd have the personal boundaries not to overstep the mark like this. But she doesn't, so it's up to you to take the control away by locking your door.
Your passive stance on it is akin to me leaving my bank card plus PIN in public view, then complaining when others use it!

As an aside, 2 days on, 2 days off? These poor kids, sent from pillar to post Sad

Poppyblush · 10/09/2023 13:22

Ffs, lock the fucking door. Problem solved.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 10/09/2023 13:23

What about your dh dropping her off on his way to work.

Otherwise you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell her she's not allowed in.

Lorelielee · 10/09/2023 13:28

@SheilaWilde I can't fathom having a front door that you have to physically lock.

I can’t fathom that you can’t fathom the concept of different door locking mechanisms.

OP, just lick your door, it’s a pretty good non verbal communication that she can’t just walk in your house.

iolaus · 10/09/2023 13:28

I get being annoyed by her coming in univited - but I'm not 100% it is uninvited - if she is ringing her daughter her daughter may well be telling her to come in

Saoirse82 · 10/09/2023 13:28

Skogrammy · 10/09/2023 09:57

Tell her yourself that she’s not welcome in the house and she can wait outside.

I wouldn’t have my step kids mum in my house. She would be told to get the fuck out straight away. Cheeky cow.

Wow! You're step children are so blessed to have you. 🙄

Lorelielee · 10/09/2023 13:29

Ffs, lock NOT lick. But licking your door could work to deter her too.

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2023 13:33

She's cheeky AF.

Especially as its just begun. No need to all.

But the easiest fix is to just lock the door.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 10/09/2023 13:41

I think you need to text her or call her and tell her to stop doing it. Don't explain why.

All these answers telling you to tell DH to tell her. What happened to just telling someone something like this straight with no emotion and factually.

If she knows you hate it and still does it, then run at her with a piece of Hoover Pipe screaming like a banshee - fuck her but until then, just have a short adult conversation about it.

cheezncrackers · 10/09/2023 14:03

Why on earth can't you speak to her OP? Has the cat got your tongue? If someone came marching into my house like that I'd say something rather than just taking it. You don't have to stoop to her level and be rude, just say 'I'm sorry Sasha, I'm not comfortable with you just walking into the house. Could you please wait in the car? I'll send Daisy out to you once she's got her things' and then escort her to the door.

PussInBin20 · 10/09/2023 14:14

Why don’t you just ask her. Wait in the car yourself? Simples!

FishingWithBobAndPaul · 10/09/2023 14:29

I agree with you, your DH needs to ask her to wait in the car for pick up. Like he does.

The only house other than my own that I walk into is my dad's. It is where I grew up. I live a few hours away. We arrange a visit and I text to give him a ten min warning.