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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family photo without DSC

101 replies

Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:20

My mum is turning 60 in a couple of months and me and my sister want to get a family photoshoot done for her of us and the grandkids, she's mentioned one before and putting one up in her house.

My husband has asked if DSC will be included and I've said I dont know but really I want to say no.

My parents are separated but neither of them really have much of a relationship with DSC. They get on when they see them but they just don't see them often and don't think of them as DGC, in all honesty I doubt they even know when their birthdays are etc.. only get them a token gift at Christmas that sort of thing. Me and DH share DC too though who they are great grandparents too.

This means the difference in how they are seen is quite evident, not that anyone has complained but I feel it would make it weird to present my mum with a pic of her grandkids and then two other children she doesn't really know very well.

AIBU to go back to dh and say actually its probably best they don't come to the shoot. I obviously don't intend on booking it on a day they'll be here.

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 10/09/2023 09:23

YANBU, we only have 1 photo with all my cousins and my gran in it, and my uncle shoved his stepson into it, and it bugs all of us. He’s never been an active part of the wider family, despite having been welcomed with open arms, amd he’d walk past every one of us in the street

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 10/09/2023 09:25

Of course you're not being unreasonable to not want to gift your parents a photo of people they don't know! There's nothing to stop dh organising a different family photo with all his dc in it, or does he expect you to organise it?.... #wifework...

VisionsOfSplendour · 10/09/2023 09:26

In this situation I think it would be odder to have them in the photo. Do the children feel like they are their grandparents?

Luxell934 · 10/09/2023 09:26

How old are the step children? How long have you been with your husband?

What do you think your husbands reaction would be if you said this to him?

Original poster
Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:28

Luxell934 · 10/09/2023 09:26

How old are the step children? How long have you been with your husband?

What do you think your husbands reaction would be if you said this to him?

They are DSD10 and DSS12

I've been with DH 7 years.

I don't know how he'll react, sometimes he can be a bit funny about these situations others he's not bothered.

OP posts:
Certainlyreally · 10/09/2023 09:28

Could you book to get a selection of photos, DH with DSC, you with DH DSC, and then some of the ones for the GPS without DSC?

dudsville · 10/09/2023 09:28

I think this is really sad for that child. My parents divorced when I was young. One side of the family had a tendency to do formal family pics and I was never in them. We are all directly related, I wasn't a step child to this part of the family, but it always broke my heart that they didn't think I needed to be included. So I have sympathy to how this child will feel over the coming years. It may be against the grain, but I think step children need to be considered just children of the family.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 10/09/2023 09:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I understand this and wouldn't plan a family shoot for us without DSC but it's for my mum, not us. It won't be a picture going up in our home, it's solely for her.

OP posts:
Foggyfoggyfoggy · 10/09/2023 09:30

Just get 2 pics done. I without for them and 1 with for your house...

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 10/09/2023 09:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

nerdandgeek · 10/09/2023 09:33

When you married your husband they became your family they are his children your kids siblings. How awful for them feeling so left out.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 10/09/2023 09:36

dudsville · 10/09/2023 09:28

I think this is really sad for that child. My parents divorced when I was young. One side of the family had a tendency to do formal family pics and I was never in them. We are all directly related, I wasn't a step child to this part of the family, but it always broke my heart that they didn't think I needed to be included. So I have sympathy to how this child will feel over the coming years. It may be against the grain, but I think step children need to be considered just children of the family.

Or it could be like the situation with my family where said stepchild doesn’t give one shiny shit?

Freddiefox · 10/09/2023 09:37

Are you a family or not?

ask yourself if it was your husband excluding your children, would that be ok?

I don’t think you are unreasonable but I think it comes with consequences that that imply you are two families rather than 1, and if you and dh are ok with that then great.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 10/09/2023 09:37

If you're going to all the effort of organising (and paying for) a photo shoot, why not do a photo of everyone? then individual and smaller-group photos as well? incl one of you and your DH together, one of you and your shared DC, one of all the children together, maybe one of just the two DSC etc? (might be a nice present for their mum/ relatives on their side?)

BrutusMcDogface · 10/09/2023 09:37

i think they should be included. I come from the place of being that stepchild and it still hurts that my step cousin doesn’t refer to my children as her nan’s grandchildren, despite the fact that she loved them, was a lovely great nan to them and I took them to visit her often. Step cousin would probably do that, have a picture of the grandchildren related by blood and exclude me/my children, and it would upset me greatly.

a constant reminder on your mum’s wall that the stepchildren aren’t really part of the family? Not nice at all, for your husband or the children.

JohnNolan · 10/09/2023 09:41

I wouldn't include them as if you split up with your husband, would your mum still see your DSC? If not, then I wouldn't include them.

It's not being horrible, or harsh, it's being realistic. Its lovely that they are rightly part of your family and they get token presents at xmas etc from your mum, but as they are not close to her, why would they be in a family photo that is just for your mum? Obviously if you were having a photo done for your house they would be in it but for your mum? No need to include them (or even let them know that the photo was taken).

AnIndianWoman · 10/09/2023 09:41

Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:28

They are DSD10 and DSS12

I've been with DH 7 years.

I don't know how he'll react, sometimes he can be a bit funny about these situations others he's not bothered.

Show quote history

Your family sounds quite heartless if they couldn’t welcome a 3 year old and 4 year old.

VisionsOfSplendour · 10/09/2023 09:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

How will the step children know about the ops plans for a photo for her mum's birthday?

caerdydd12 · 10/09/2023 09:42

AnIndianWoman · 10/09/2023 09:41

Your family sounds quite heartless if they couldn’t welcome a 3 year old and 4 year old.

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Who says they haven't welcomed the children? You can be friendly and welcoming without feeling like they're your grandchildren.

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 09:43

Certainlyreally · 10/09/2023 09:28

Could you book to get a selection of photos, DH with DSC, you with DH DSC, and then some of the ones for the GPS without DSC?

That's going to go down badly... please get out the shoot now DSC.

OP you're fine to just do it without them there.

Callyem · 10/09/2023 09:46

If it were a family pic for your house, it would be unreasonable but it isn't. I can't imagine the DSC feeling any kind of rejection at this. There is no need for them to be in the picture.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 10/09/2023 09:48

Your mum doesn’t really know them - they don’t really know her. There is no need at all for them to be in photos for her. Just say to your dh this is specifically for your mum, and if at another time he would like to arrange for you to have family photos done with the dsc he is welcome to do so.

No reason for the dsc to even know about it if there’s any chance they’d be upset - it doesn’t sound like they’re going to your mums house on a regular basis and would see the photos!!

continentallentil · 10/09/2023 09:48

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 10/09/2023 09:30

Just get 2 pics done. I without for them and 1 with for your house...

This is your best bet

continentallentil · 10/09/2023 09:49

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 09:43

That's going to go down badly... please get out the shoot now DSC.

OP you're fine to just do it without them there.

Show quote history

Ha - no actually PP is right.

Point this out to your husband if he suggests one in one out as a compromise and do it on a day they aren’t there.