Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family photo without DSC

101 replies

Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:20

My mum is turning 60 in a couple of months and me and my sister want to get a family photoshoot done for her of us and the grandkids, she's mentioned one before and putting one up in her house.

My husband has asked if DSC will be included and I've said I dont know but really I want to say no.

My parents are separated but neither of them really have much of a relationship with DSC. They get on when they see them but they just don't see them often and don't think of them as DGC, in all honesty I doubt they even know when their birthdays are etc.. only get them a token gift at Christmas that sort of thing. Me and DH share DC too though who they are great grandparents too.

This means the difference in how they are seen is quite evident, not that anyone has complained but I feel it would make it weird to present my mum with a pic of her grandkids and then two other children she doesn't really know very well.

AIBU to go back to dh and say actually its probably best they don't come to the shoot. I obviously don't intend on booking it on a day they'll be here.

OP posts:
gloriawasright · 10/09/2023 10:24

This is a tricky situation,your DM doesn't see the dsc as family so it would be unusual to include them if that photo.
So I think you just need to do it discreetly one day they are not with you.
Or do it when you have them with you but get a few pics done ,mix things up a bit and have various group shots done ,they might not even notice a picture being done that excludes them .

Moomuffin · 10/09/2023 10:25

They’re not your mums grandkids, why would they be in the photo??

Your DH is being ridiculous x

Moomuffin · 10/09/2023 10:25

A

MittensForKittens123 · 10/09/2023 10:26

I’m a step-child (now an adult with my own DC), and I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a photograph with my half-DSibs cousins and aunties. I do however like the fact my DDad and DSM have photos of me and my DSibs together in their house. So I would get two photos done, crucially I would get the photos done on different days so the DSC don’t feel like they are being kept out of one photo, more that they are two separate unrelated things.

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 10:27

gloriawasright · 10/09/2023 10:24

This is a tricky situation,your DM doesn't see the dsc as family so it would be unusual to include them if that photo.
So I think you just need to do it discreetly one day they are not with you.
Or do it when you have them with you but get a few pics done ,mix things up a bit and have various group shots done ,they might not even notice a picture being done that excludes them .

They will they aren't thick. Just do it a day they aren't there. Its not an issue. It will be in OP's mum's house anyway.

greenmarsupial · 10/09/2023 10:28

We had a family photo shoot recently and there were loads of different groupings. I think it would be more diplomatic if you had everyone along but had photos of: you and your sister and your mum; your mum, you and sister and kids; all the kids; you, your DH and your kids and step kids etc.

The one that she chooses for her wall doesn't matter to the stepkids if they never go there but it's quite a statement to exclude them from the whole family photo shoot.

ittakes2 · 10/09/2023 10:28

As much as I am low contact with my m'n'law for various reasons - to her credit she has always treated step grandchildren as her biological grandkids. Your step kids were very young (3 & 5?) when you met your hubby - I think the fact they don't have a special name for your mum is a reflection that you and your family did not want to consider them part of your extended family and still don't now.

MinnieTruck · 10/09/2023 10:28

Why would the step kids feel rejected when it’s literally a picture for the OP’s MUM that they barely know?

It’d be one thing if it was for the OP’s house and they weren’t included but not sure why they need to be in the picture

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/09/2023 10:29

YANBU OP , ignore anyone who says otherwise

ShellySarah · 10/09/2023 10:30

Just arrange it on a day when they're not here and don't mention it to your husband. He isn't your keeper

Why would your parents want a photo with kids they don't know in them.

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 10:31

Whichclubisittonight · 10/09/2023 10:14

Why not suggest to your DH that you do a separate photoshoot to include you, DH, your joint kids and the DSC?

Why. DH can suggest it if it bothers him

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/09/2023 10:31

You can do what you want OP

As poster above says, your husband isn’t your keeper

anotherchanger · 10/09/2023 10:34

BlackBean2023 · 10/09/2023 09:56

I personally wouldn't include your DH either then it's just your mum, her kids and their kids.

This.

CornishGem1975 · 10/09/2023 10:35

Moomuffin · 10/09/2023 10:25

They’re not your mums grandkids, why would they be in the photo??

Your DH is being ridiculous x

Edited

This! I have SC and wouldn't include them, my DH wouldn't expect me to either.

Fairyliz · 10/09/2023 10:36

Wow so children aged 3 and 4 came into your life and your parents didn’t bother building a proper relationship with them? They sound terrible to be honest unless there is a massive drip feed like they live in Australia or something.
Poor little kids, where’s their mum in all this?

Cinateel · 10/09/2023 10:38

This makes me so sad for your step children. My niece was never treated any differently by my parents even though she was my brother's stepchild. Equal gifts, attention, cuddles, and when they died she was provided for in their wills equally with their own grandchildren, even though by that time, my brother and her mother had been divorced for several years.

SpongeBob2022 · 10/09/2023 10:39

I'm usually very much on the side of including step-children. In this case though, I can see it would be a bit odd for your Mum and I would just have the photo taken on a day when DSC not with you and if they don't see much of your parents at their house then they'll never know. Just don't present it in front of them.

The bigger issue for me (as I eluded to above) is that I think step-children should be fully integrated into the family so this situation wouldn't arise. I know this isn't a popular Mumsnet view (and I appreciate you've explained why they're not in your case in your comments so it's not a dig at you).

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/09/2023 10:42

So a 10 and 12 year old would walk past you in the street? I think I'm not getting your post, are your parents divorced or is this your partners family? There's nothing wrong with getting a photo of 'your side of the family' for your DM. Your partner can arrange a photo for his parents of all his children too if he wants.

MistyMountainTop · 10/09/2023 10:42

Fairyliz · 10/09/2023 10:36

Wow so children aged 3 and 4 came into your life and your parents didn’t bother building a proper relationship with them? They sound terrible to be honest unless there is a massive drip feed like they live in Australia or something.
Poor little kids, where’s their mum in all this?

Their mum that went apeshit when OP took them to her parent's house? That mum?

tigpig · 10/09/2023 10:45

Do the photo of you mum , her own children and grandchildren.Exclude partners and step child. If your DH isn't in it either it will be simpler.
Also your mother may actually prefer that anyway

Whichclubisittonight · 10/09/2023 10:47

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 10:31

Why. DH can suggest it if it bothers him

Show quote history

Oh I don’t know, maybe as a compromise in the interest of finding a solution that suits everyone?

WimpoleHat · 10/09/2023 10:48

Do the photo of you mum , her own children and grandchildren.Exclude partners and step child. If your DH isn't in it either it will be simpler.
Also your mother may actually prefer that anyway

Came on to say exactly the same as @tigpig. Get your mum a photo of her daughters with their children. Then nobody has anything to complain about and your mum would probably like it better anyway!

PuppyMonkey · 10/09/2023 10:54

Can’t really see the point of doing two shots - one with the SCs and one without?Confused The OP’s mum will have the “just grandkids” one up in her house so on the rare occasions the SCs may happen to visit, they will see the photo and that they are not in it just the same as if you’d just gone ahead and booked the session without them.

I’d just go ahead and do your “all the grandchildren” one without even mentioning it to the SCs.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 10/09/2023 10:55

I wouldn't include them. I would maybe do a photo for your mum and dgc and then organise another (separate/different day) shoot just for all the kids which can go up in your home.

I would tell hub this plan as well to "buffer" the blow. Just be honest, though, and say as they aren't close it would be a little bit of an odd situation as it's for her birthday but yous love a pic of all the kids together so you've organised one with all the kids to go to his parents/in your home. You can even include his parents in that one if you want.

Goldbar · 10/09/2023 10:56

anotherchanger · 10/09/2023 10:34

This.

Show quote history

This. It's a bit odd having a "family" photo with your DH in it and then missing out some of his children. It makes more sense to have a photo of your mum's family - i.e. her children and her children's children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread