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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family photo without DSC

101 replies

Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:20

My mum is turning 60 in a couple of months and me and my sister want to get a family photoshoot done for her of us and the grandkids, she's mentioned one before and putting one up in her house.

My husband has asked if DSC will be included and I've said I dont know but really I want to say no.

My parents are separated but neither of them really have much of a relationship with DSC. They get on when they see them but they just don't see them often and don't think of them as DGC, in all honesty I doubt they even know when their birthdays are etc.. only get them a token gift at Christmas that sort of thing. Me and DH share DC too though who they are great grandparents too.

This means the difference in how they are seen is quite evident, not that anyone has complained but I feel it would make it weird to present my mum with a pic of her grandkids and then two other children she doesn't really know very well.

AIBU to go back to dh and say actually its probably best they don't come to the shoot. I obviously don't intend on booking it on a day they'll be here.

OP posts:
Photio · 10/09/2023 09:51

So this is gift for your mum for a special birthday. So the only thing you really need to consider is what would she want. The wishes of others don't come into it as long as your not hurting anyones feelings by having the photoshoot when they are present but excluded.

So would she want a photo of everyone, so that's her extended family including people she is not closely related to. Or would she prefer just her children and grandchildren? And that's your answer

Chedderbites2 · 10/09/2023 09:51

Difficult situation OP. I had a family photo done once, not a professional shoot just a photo and I asked my (now ex partners daughter) to step in because I felt awful her watching and wanting her to be included. Primarily though I accepted her as part of my family and at the time clearly thought she would be in my life permanently so she is my family. I see this photo and it doesnt bother me that she's in it now even though not in my life anymore as she was an important part of it at one stage. I think its down to how you view your family. Does your mum see her step grandchildren very often? I can see how she's probably not as close to them I assume they have their other grandparents from mother and fathers side. Do they call your mum nanny or by her own name?

MargaretThursday · 10/09/2023 09:52

My dc at that age would have preferred not to be at a photo shoot.

YouJustDoYou · 10/09/2023 09:52

Just get it done for the day they're not there.

Original poster
Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:52

AnIndianWoman · 10/09/2023 09:41

Your family sounds quite heartless if they couldn’t welcome a 3 year old and 4 year old.

Show quote history

Their mum didn't want me or my family involved for a long time. She went mad once when I took them to see my family because they aren't my children. We'd been together about 2 years at this point! So yeah I stopped bothering after a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:53

Does your mum see her step grandchildren very often? I can see how she's probably not as close to them I assume they have their other grandparents from mother and fathers side. Do they call your mum nanny or by her own name?

No she doesn't and no they aren't close. They call her by her name, they've never called her grandma or anything.

OP posts:
Dontcallmescarface · 10/09/2023 09:54

nerdandgeek · 10/09/2023 09:33

When you married your husband they became your family they are his children your kids siblings. How awful for them feeling so left out.

Maybe next time the DSC's mother has a photo done of the DSC the OP's DC should also be included....after all they are siblings...or do they stop being siblings once they are back with their mum?

BlackBean2023 · 10/09/2023 09:56

I personally wouldn't include your DH either then it's just your mum, her kids and their kids.

Legale · 10/09/2023 09:58

I can see why they wouldn't be in the photo, but it's sad that they've been so alienated. "Stopped bothering" after 2 years? Does their dad at least minimise the impact and make them feel more welcome, and ensure they're not treated differently, or at least tell them it isn't anything they've done that's led to them being excluded from half the family?
Poor kids should know it's adults not making the effort and not anything they've done wrong.

MzHz · 10/09/2023 09:58

nerdandgeek · 10/09/2023 09:33

When you married your husband they became your family they are his children your kids siblings. How awful for them feeling so left out.

This is just insane!

funinthesun19 · 10/09/2023 10:01

Why can’t your husband arrange something with his own parents and involve all of his children in that photoshoot?

And/or, he could suggest to his ex to get some photos done of the dsc with her parents. That way the dsc will have some photos with their maternal family too.

Abouttoblow · 10/09/2023 10:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Of course it can just be about her parents.
The photo is for them.

Original poster
Phuto · 10/09/2023 10:02

Legale · 10/09/2023 09:58

I can see why they wouldn't be in the photo, but it's sad that they've been so alienated. "Stopped bothering" after 2 years? Does their dad at least minimise the impact and make them feel more welcome, and ensure they're not treated differently, or at least tell them it isn't anything they've done that's led to them being excluded from half the family?
Poor kids should know it's adults not making the effort and not anything they've done wrong.

Stopped bothering trying to get them together with my wider family I meant because it wasn't worth the hassle we got from their mum about it.

OP posts:
MzHz · 10/09/2023 10:03

I don’t get why your H is stirring this shit up @Phuto , I mean he - better than any of us- knows the situation, knows the kids aren’t close, even that their mother kicked off at them being included in a visit in the past and clearly DIDN’T want them to be ’blended’

it seems that this photo IS for your mum, it’s a record of her family and it IS just the direct relations.

surely your h can make the separation here in his head? They are not her grandchildren.

ColleenDonaghy · 10/09/2023 10:05

I think it's fine given the extent of your mum's relationship with the kids, but why don't you suggest to your DH that you do your own family photoshoot including them? It would be nice to have.

Glitterbaby17 · 10/09/2023 10:07

It sounds like your DH won’t be in the picture - if it’s your Mums children and grandchildren and not including partners/husbands I think it’s fine to to include them as it’s a specific family grouping. If he will be in the picture it’s a bit trickier but ultimately it’s a gift for your Mum, who the DSC rarely see so it should be what she’d like best.

CatherinedeBourgh · 10/09/2023 10:07

As a step child I would have found it very weird to be asked to be in a photo for my half siblings' gp. Not my circus, not my monkeys!

nevynevster · 10/09/2023 10:08

Why not ask your DH what he thinks is best? He knows the situation and the state of the relationship. Just explain this exact thing and say you are not sure what's best given the limited relationship and that it is a gift for your mum. See what his view is ?

MzHz · 10/09/2023 10:11

Phuto · 10/09/2023 10:02

Stopped bothering trying to get them together with my wider family I meant because it wasn't worth the hassle we got from their mum about it.

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This is a point I make often to the DM of other people’s stepkids. When you make things so fucking hard for the ex and his new partner, is it any wonder that people eventually ’stop bothering?’

shitty controlling behaviour from resident parents DOES affect how other people feel about and interact with the kids. It’s obvious!

i wouldn’t want my kids treated badly, and therefore i know it’s important to treat those who have contact with Dc well and with respect.

Parker231 · 10/09/2023 10:11

nerdandgeek · 10/09/2023 09:33

When you married your husband they became your family they are his children your kids siblings. How awful for them feeling so left out.

Totally agree and why don’t the wider family consider DSC’s as a part of that family.

Whichclubisittonight · 10/09/2023 10:14

Why not suggest to your DH that you do a separate photoshoot to include you, DH, your joint kids and the DSC?

diddl · 10/09/2023 10:17

So essentially her with her kids & her kids with their kids?

I think that's fine tbh.

If your husband was in it it might be different!

sashh · 10/09/2023 10:19

Do the step children normally buy for your mum's birthday?

I think that's your answer, you presumably give your mum gifts from you, DH and DGC.

CandlestickInTheLibrary · 10/09/2023 10:19

It sounds like it would be more awkward to include them tbh seeing as they're not close with your mum or (I'm guessing) your sister + her kids.

I'd just arrange the photoshoot for when the DSC aren't around and have a lovely photo to give to your mum. You're not going to be putting up the photo in your house where the DSC can see it. In fact, it sounds like they'd probably never see it.

Saschka · 10/09/2023 10:20

Phuto · 10/09/2023 10:02

Stopped bothering trying to get them together with my wider family I meant because it wasn't worth the hassle we got from their mum about it.

Show quote history

There’s your solution then. Point out DSC’s mum will go mad if there’s a photo of her kids up in your DM’s house.