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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family photo without DSC

101 replies

Phuto · 10/09/2023 09:20

My mum is turning 60 in a couple of months and me and my sister want to get a family photoshoot done for her of us and the grandkids, she's mentioned one before and putting one up in her house.

My husband has asked if DSC will be included and I've said I dont know but really I want to say no.

My parents are separated but neither of them really have much of a relationship with DSC. They get on when they see them but they just don't see them often and don't think of them as DGC, in all honesty I doubt they even know when their birthdays are etc.. only get them a token gift at Christmas that sort of thing. Me and DH share DC too though who they are great grandparents too.

This means the difference in how they are seen is quite evident, not that anyone has complained but I feel it would make it weird to present my mum with a pic of her grandkids and then two other children she doesn't really know very well.

AIBU to go back to dh and say actually its probably best they don't come to the shoot. I obviously don't intend on booking it on a day they'll be here.

OP posts:
fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 10:56

Whichclubisittonight · 10/09/2023 10:47

Oh I don’t know, maybe as a compromise in the interest of finding a solution that suits everyone?

Show quote history

It's not a problem that needs a solution though. It just is what it is. DH has asked. He hadn't said it's a problem if they aren't.

Berlinlover · 10/09/2023 10:57

I think they should be included in the photo.

Resilience · 10/09/2023 11:00

I think I'd probably take the opportunity to have a photo taken of the whole family/kids only etc to display in your own house as well as one for DM. That way you can have a selection of photos to suit everyone's desires and hurt no one's feelings.

Unicorn2022 · 10/09/2023 11:07

Why not get the photo taken just including your mum, you, your sister and the grandkids and say it's just a photo of the generations of your family, and a shared experience getting it done. She doesn't really need a photo with your DH or his kids in it, or your sister's DH.

saraclara · 10/09/2023 11:11

It's a photo purely for your mum. So the step kids don't need to feature as they would if it was a photo displayed in your home. Your DH should understand that, surely?

I get the impression that their mum wouldn't be too happy about then featuring in a photo for your mum anyway

zingally · 10/09/2023 11:16

We had a similar discussion in our wider family recently.

A cousin is on husband number 2, and has 2 kids with him. He's a chunk older than her, and already had two kids, who were about 7 (girl) and 10 (boy) when they got married.
The parents of said cousin welcomed the two step-grandkids-kids with open arms.

The two biological grandkids live literally down the road from the grandparents, so see them a few times a week. The two step-kids lived the bulk of the time with their mum in a city about 2 hours drive away. Cousin, husband and grandparents live in a very rural location, on a rather rough-and-ready mid-sized farm.

Over the years, the girl step-kid came over about once every 4-6 weeks, whereas the boy step-kid pretty much stopped coming once he got to about 13-14. They see him for the odd day here and there, maybe twice a year. He's a city boy at heart, and has zero interest in going to hang out at a farm in the middle of nowhere. He has no interest in farm animals, and not much interest in his 2 half-siblings who are 9 and 12 years younger than him.

When it came to the question of "getting a photo with the grandkids", it was quietly decided to do it when they knew the step-kids wouldn't be around. The grandparents see DSD perhaps 4 times a year, and DSS once or twice. They are 19 and 22 now with their own lives to lead. The parents of their step-mum who they see a couple of times a year, are hardly people they have big ties to. And if they had an issue with being left out, it was figured that they were old enough to realise that sometimes (often) blood trumps marriage.

SpareHeirOverThere · 10/09/2023 11:17

I know the 'how sad for those poor children' crowd will be out accusing you of being heartless and mean...

But this is an easy call. It's a gift for your Mum. So no dsc in the photo if she doesn't have much of a relationship with them and would be a bit Confused to have them in.

I would add that dsc are still young, as is your Mum at only 60, and if you all wanted it, a close relationship could still happen.

But for this photo, go with what she would want. If dh wants a photo of all of you, you and he can book that together.

iamwhatiam23 · 10/09/2023 11:29

Im normally all for including DSC and treating them just like any other member of the family. However in this situation including them in the picture's would just be unnecessary and weird. Im pretty sure you dm won't want them in the picture and that your dsc won't give a shiny shit about being included in a picture with someone they barely know! If your dh is bothered tell him to organise his own pictures to be taken of you all!

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 10/09/2023 11:35

I rarely see my daughter's step children but they are a part of our family. I buy them presents for Christmas and birthdays and when my youngest daughter got married they were bridesmaid and page boy and I bought their clothes. As a family any time they spent with me they also spent with my DM and also my MiL. MiL has met them maybe 3 times but she sends them a present at Christmas. My DM has dementia but she makes sure I buy something from her "for the little ones" for Christmas and birthdays too. We have chosen to make them a part of our family and the extended family - they have uncles and aunts on our side - also treat them that way whether they see them regularly or not.

ZekeZeke · 10/09/2023 11:40

You have been in their life for over half of their lives.

I'm sure you can have more than one photo taken.

If you and your sister are paying for the photos you have an equal say. Have one photo taken with everyone, maybe one with your DM and her bio grandchildren and one with your DH, DSC and your kids.

Movingandlooking · 10/09/2023 11:44

Ask the SC If they would like to be in it. High chance that they won't! But if u was the grandparents I wouldn't be upset they where in it. I would still love the photo regardless.

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 11:46

This is all so overwrought.

CrazyHamsterLady · 10/09/2023 11:47

It’s always a hard one to navigate isn’t it? However, your DH needs to realise that this isn’t a slight on his kids. This is a present for your mum and should reflect the people in her immediate family only. I agree with a PP who said to get one with your family for your home so the step-kids can be in it.

Twentypastfour · 10/09/2023 12:06

I think it’s fine not to include them as it’s for your Mum just as long as you don’t display copies in your home. Any professional family photos you take for your own benefit or to display in your own home should include them.

SistersNotCisters · 10/09/2023 12:16

I have a stepbrother and despite my mum and his dad still being together well over 20 years, I'd probably say a "hello, how are ya?" to stepbrother if we crossed paths in the street. Maybe an awkward hug too. There's no bad history, dislike or anything, I just don't see him at all and we are not close. My grandparents, aunts and uncles were even less close.

It would feel slightly strange to have this virtual stranger in a family photo. Stepkids, especially "every other weekend" ones don't tend to stay particularly close to their dad's wife's family - as a general rule.

I'd maybe have two sets done. One with the stepkids in and one without and let those purchasing their copies decide which they want? As long as this could be tactfully done without making it obvious perhaps?

MaybeSmaller · 10/09/2023 12:23

What you haven't said OP is if DH is meant to be in the picture, or is it just your mum, her DCs and DGCs? This is key to the whole thing really.

It would be weird and I think wrong to include DH if his kids aren't included. It's like saying he is acknowledged as a real part of the family but his DCs are not, and I would not be happy about that if I was the DH.

If it's just your mum, her DCs and DGCs - without partners - then it should be fine to go ahead without the DSCs.

Blanketpolicy · 10/09/2023 12:27

I would prioritise the feelings of the children and also your dh over your mum having a picture with just those with a blood relationship. It is dividing your blended family. Assuming your mum will display the picture it will repeatedly highlight that divison rather than embracing the blend. Kids, both your dc and the step-dc pick up on these things.

For me it would be all the kids or forget the professional photoshoot and make do with your own photos (imo these are nicer and have memories attached to them instead of staged photos)

funinthesun19 · 10/09/2023 14:29

Fairyliz · 10/09/2023 10:36

Wow so children aged 3 and 4 came into your life and your parents didn’t bother building a proper relationship with them? They sound terrible to be honest unless there is a massive drip feed like they live in Australia or something.
Poor little kids, where’s their mum in all this?

Getting on with her own life hopefully and not meddling in business that has nothing to do with her. I can’t think why the mum would be involved in any of this whether that’s her opinion/thoughts/feelings or her physical input.

funinthesun19 · 10/09/2023 14:36

Twentypastfour · 10/09/2023 12:06

I think it’s fine not to include them as it’s for your Mum just as long as you don’t display copies in your home. Any professional family photos you take for your own benefit or to display in your own home should include them.

I don’t agree with this. OP’s children have a different maternal family, so I don’t see why op can’t have a nice picture to treasure of her dc with her mum. It’s not like it’s for her husband, is it?

aSofaNearYou · 10/09/2023 15:15

God this comes up so often. Of course YANBU, I'm so glad my DP does not do this nonsense. It really doesn't take much emotional maturity to understand that his in laws do not have a close relationship with his other children and they don't really have a role in that side of the family. Complete failure of men like this to accept their own life choices mean he does not have a traditional nuclear family and his kids have different grandparents.

I think people are being daft suggesting you need to get one done with them in too at the same time, unless they go to your parents house a lot there is absolutely no reason for them to know about this, let alone be bothered.

WimpoleHat · 10/09/2023 17:49

Complete failure of men like this to accept their own life choices mean he does not have a traditional nuclear family and his kids have different grandparents.

This is a really good point….

ShellySarah · 11/09/2023 10:18

funinthesun19 · 10/09/2023 14:36

I don’t agree with this. OP’s children have a different maternal family, so I don’t see why op can’t have a nice picture to treasure of her dc with her mum. It’s not like it’s for her husband, is it?

Show quote history

I absolutely agree. Why are women browbeaten in this way by their male partners and other women on here.

She wants a photo of her biological children with her mother. How is that unfair to her step children who have their own mother and maternal grandparents and probably aren't interested in the OPs parents.

HorseyHorsham · 11/09/2023 10:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Why can’t it be just about her mother whose birthday it is?

It’s easy, X’s other granny is having a photo taken with her grandchildren.
It would be as odd for them to be in it, as it would be for your children to be dragged to their other grandmothers photo shoot.

I can well imagine they’d feel like an absolute spare
part there.

Frabbits · 11/09/2023 10:26

If the kids and the mum don't really have a relationship, then of course it's fine to have a picture without them. If they don't really see each other, then just crack on and get it done. No need to make a drama out of it at all.

If DH wants a photo over everyone, he can get that done seperately.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 02/10/2023 18:29

I’m probably going to get blasted on here but…..

I don’t see DSD as part of my parents family, even though I really like her and treat her well when she visits (mainly EOW/holidays). So I wouldn’t have included her in a family photo as a gift to my mum. I would avoid mentioning this to her however.

I also have one baby DC (her half-sibling) and have had baby photos done with just the baby, me and DH (her dad). I haven’t hung these up at home but just really wanted professional photos of the three of us. Time to get blasted now…