Trapped with an alcoholic I hate

[Whatintheworldgirl]

Tw:discussion of alcohol abuse and SI!

My partner is an alcoholic. He passed out the other night in a toilet apparently. I didn't hear from him from 11am to the early hours the next day when he stumbled back in. I had taken my engagement ring off to wash and moisturise my face (I'm a jeweller so I know how much soap and lotions are bad for white gold) and he came back, saw my ring on the side and threw it at me. I sat in the garden till morning waiting for him to wake up in his hungover state. Fully decided I don't want to be with him anymore. I can't do this. He woke up, still drunk, shouting at me. I told him it was over and he tried to overdose on beta blockers. I had to take the box from me and call 111. They advised I take him to a&e. So I did. They discharged him a few hours with an AA leftlet. His parents text me saying they are going on holiday and have brought roaming on their phone so they are going to be unreachable (this is after their son tried to overdose) and said that it's 'all in my hands'. I've contacted the AA for him. Managed to get him the go in and fill in some forms. Then a group meeting. This should be progress but h hate him. I genuinely despise him. He's mean and self obsessed and is completely different to the person I originally thought he was. I'm now trapped on suicide and alcohol watch. I know it probably comes across that I have no sympathy but I've been close to death last year with health issues and I've constantly been trying to keep everyone together. Im just tired now. I'm tired of giving him everything all the time and to be ridiculed and made to feel lonely. Ever since being with him I've been on anti anxiety meds and I just feel like I've lost myself.

Please do not leave YOUR flat, kick him out

You are actually enabling his addiction by not cutting him off. Supporting addicts who have reached this stage is a waste of time and actually unhelpful to them.

I would agree with this, you actually make things worse for them because you prevent their much needed rock bottom, so they bob along just above the bottom, kept from the bottom by well meaning family and friends, becoming more unwell and entrenched in their addiction. The kindest thing to do is to end things asap OP and let him figure out the help he needs.

Some alcoholics do recover, but not when they are propped up by people like you who they have taken hostage.

He won't change. He won't change unless he wants to. And nothing you say or do will make a difference on that. Trust me, I have been there and have the t-shirt. I also stayed too damned long and should have ended things years before. It was actually lurking on MN and reading @pointythings threads about her H that made me make the final push/stand my ground/realise it wasn't my fault.

Whether his parents are here or not is not your problem. His debt is not your problem. Whether he goes to AA meetings or not is also not your problem. His manipulative shit regarding suicide is also not your problem. Look at the 3 C's of Al-Anon: You didn't cause, it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can't cure his alcoholism, and if he doesn't want to make a concerted effort to change then all the AA meetings, rehab etc won't do a thing. It will only mean that he paying lipservice to get you off his back.

FWIW, I paid for private residential rehab for my ex, he treated it as a 4 week holiday away from DC and me, where he had a "lovely first few days on benzo's". I drove him to AA meetings, he'd pretend to go in and then fuck off to the pub/off license. He'd pretend to take the disulfiram (Antabuse) tablets, but would spit them out.

In your situation, and knowing what I know now, I would pack his things and throw him out. Now, not when his DP are back. It's your flat, and you have the right to have a peaceful and calm home.

His parents text me saying they are going on holiday and have brought roaming on their phone so they are going to be unreachable

If they have roaming, surely they will be able to be contacted? Or do you mean they don’t have roaming?

If it’s your house, he needs to leave. If he does something stupid, that’s not your fault.

His parents text me saying they are going on holiday and have brought roaming on their phone so they are going to be unreachable (this is after their son tried to overdose) and said that it's 'all in my hands'.

What a pair of cunts. One starts to see the roots of his trouble.

But he and his alcoholism is still not your responsibility - no matter what those heinous people, he, or your (false) guilt about the situation tell you.

Hi OP I really do sympathize with you as my mum is an alcoholic so I know how horrible it is. I read in your post that it was your engagement ring so I assume not married? He really does need to leave and you need to be strong and tell him today he needs to make plans to leave especially if it is your property. He will have to either stay at his parents/siblings/friends and I would be sending the same such message to his parents. If at any point he starts shouting or getting aggressive or causing damage you simply ring the police and tell them you feel unsafe and want him removed from the property. My mum tries the whole im lonely i will kill myself i want to die this has been going on for years even with numerous AA meetings, declined rehab, anti depressants etc it is her choice to drink as it is your partners. As you say even if he does stop the damage is already done and cannot be fixed. You need time for yourself to mend after the stress of life recently. Please get him out of your house you are not his rehab, his savior or his babysitter he is a grown adult and you should not have to sacrifice anymore of your life to benefit his addiction that is unfair on you. All the money problems again are not your problem if he borrowed money fo his parents that was an agreement between him and them. Any loans in his name I assume? Trust me walk away and whether he flies or sinks is not your fault only he can help himself and make changes for his own life.

All the people telling the OP to 'leave', this is HER FLAT!!!! He is living in her flat! She should get him out, not leave herself FFS.

You can go for an injunction and change the locks. There’s no reason for you to leave your home and every reason for you to have a safe and sane life.
it will be tough, but you can’t put a price on having your life back.

His parents are on holiday. Therefore send him to their house.

You shouldn't leave, it's your flat!!!

Neither you nor his parents are responsible for his welfare.

You are worrying about making him more depressed? Do you think he cares if he tips you over the edge?
He doesn't care about your feelings or any impact on you. He's manipulated you into making you think you are responsible for him which of course you are not.

You are not in control, you can't change him and you are free.

No, he's not their issue either.
He doesn't need looked after.
He needs to hit rock bottom and not be enabled to continue this cycle of abusing himself and others anymore

Pack his bags, take them round to his parents’ house.

If you can afford it, book a couple of nights in your local Travelodge. Drop him off there / kick him out and give him the keycard.

Whatsapp his parents and tell them that you are no longer in a relationship with their son and that as you are going offline for the next week in order to sort out the mess he has left behind you will be ‘unreachable’ and ‘it’s all in their hands now’ (block them).

And that’s it! You are not married to him, you have no children, you are not in debt with him. You can walk away from this man obligation-free.
Wishing you all the best for your future!

Oh @Whatintheworldgirl you said you are scared that he might hurt you.
You say alcohol helps him sleep and he has no way of buying alcohol. Will he kick off when he realises that ?
Is there anyone you can contact to ensure you are safe ?
Does he have siblings- could you get through to his parents via them ?
What age is he ?

Come on girl!
i literally walked away from my ex when he passed out at the top of MY stairs and pissed himself. I went to bed and the next day I stood firm on my “this won’t work anymore” stance for about a month (I kicked him out that day but yknow the script , the promising to change etc). He went to AA, he apologised to everyone he’d hurt, but I stood firm after 4 years of his shit. He threw so much against me, I’d had an abortion the year before, he gave me hell for that despite him never ever wanting me to keep it. The whole way through I just thought about how my life could be without him and didn’t budge (it took me a long time to get there) . He didn’t really have any family and his mum died shortly after. I know he’s fully back to his ways and he now has another victim to abuse sadly.
You deserve to get out of this trap and NONE of it is your responsibility!!!
Play it forward, what could your life be in a month, 3, 6 months or a year!
Get rid now. it’s the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself x

https://www.rehab4addiction.co.uk/alcohol-withdrawal-symptoms/dangers-cold-turkey

his going cold turkey and the risks of it are NOT the op's responsibility

@Whatintheworldgirl
How did it go this morning and are you ok?

@whatinthewordgirl

Hope you are ok today? How did it go?

Don't suicidal people get sectioned anymore?

As sad as it is, the only person who can help him is him!
All the while he is with you he feels like this is acceptable behaviour because you are still with him and he has had no real consequence for his actions and the more you let him carry on like this the worse it will get and the more miserable you will become. At the end of the day you only have one life and you need to decide if this is really what you want for the rest of yours because take it from someone who knows and has been there with a family member that it will get worse.
They always say that alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they can even start to think of recovery and maybe losing you will be the one thing to make him realise what he is actually doing to himself.
He is not your responsibility, cut him loose and get on with the rest of your life

I've contacted the AA for him. Managed to get him the go in and fill in some forms. Then a group meeting.

Forms??

Leave a bag of stuff with his AA group.

You can't do this. AA meetings rent venues just the same as your local yoga class does. There is no 24/7 "staffed" location for an AA meeting. Groups are made up exclusively of alcoholics, there are no professional alcohol specialists supervising everyone's recovery and checking in Ieft luggage.

Yes. And there are no "forms" to fill in.

Unfortunately no.

Or at least they may section for 24 hours or so, but released as soon as imminent danger is over.