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Original poster

Trapped with an alcoholic I hate

158 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:01

Tw:discussion of alcohol abuse and SI!

My partner is an alcoholic. He passed out the other night in a toilet apparently. I didn't hear from him from 11am to the early hours the next day when he stumbled back in. I had taken my engagement ring off to wash and moisturise my face (I'm a jeweller so I know how much soap and lotions are bad for white gold) and he came back, saw my ring on the side and threw it at me. I sat in the garden till morning waiting for him to wake up in his hungover state. Fully decided I don't want to be with him anymore. I can't do this. He woke up, still drunk, shouting at me. I told him it was over and he tried to overdose on beta blockers. I had to take the box from me and call 111. They advised I take him to a&e. So I did. They discharged him a few hours with an AA leftlet. His parents text me saying they are going on holiday and have brought roaming on their phone so they are going to be unreachable (this is after their son tried to overdose) and said that it's 'all in my hands'. I've contacted the AA for him. Managed to get him the go in and fill in some forms. Then a group meeting. This should be progress but h hate him. I genuinely despise him. He's mean and self obsessed and is completely different to the person I originally thought he was. I'm now trapped on suicide and alcohol watch. I know it probably comes across that I have no sympathy but I've been close to death last year with health issues and I've constantly been trying to keep everyone together. Im just tired now. I'm tired of giving him everything all the time and to be ridiculed and made to feel lonely. Ever since being with him I've been on anti anxiety meds and I just feel like I've lost myself.

OP posts:
Inkyblue123 · 09/09/2023 21:31

Call the GP or local
mental health team. Tell them he is suicidal and you can’t keep him safe. Then send him off to hospital and change the locks. Honestly there is F-all you can do for him, he needs to make that decision himself. Stop trying to save him , you can’t. Also talk to Al-anon or another charity and talk to someone who understands and shares your experience

NamaraMc · 09/09/2023 21:33

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:30

But if I leave (he is in my flat) then what if he over doses again? I feel like he's too unstable. He could smash up my place or hurt himself. I don't know what to do 😭😭

Show quote history

As soon as his parents and are back drop him at their front door, text them and say you are finished so it's in their hands now.
Job done.

CrotchetyQuaver · 09/09/2023 21:34

I bet you anything the overdosing was attention seeking rather than genuine. When are his parents back? If he was mine (I had an alcoholic brother and remember the living hell that was only too well 30+ years on) I'd turf him out and change the locks once his parents are back if I possibly could to ease my guilt. If you can't cope any longer, kick him out, don't feel bad, let him face the consequences of his actions. AA say they've got to reach rock bottom before engaging properly and standing a chance of a proper recovery.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/09/2023 21:38

Next time he goes out to the pub or wherever, you call the locksmith and get the locks changed immediately. Perhaps even call the locksmith to have them on standby so they know it's important. It's your flat so he's the one that needs to fuck off.

Once locks are changed, do NOT answer the door to him under any circumstances. Pack his stuff and leave it by (outside of) your front door.

It is NOT your fault if he choose to commit suicide.
He is NOT your problem.

Please do not let your life waste away by not kicking this asshole out.

You deserve better. Deep breath, you can do this. Get him out.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/09/2023 21:39

I'd text his parents and say "actually, no. This is on you as you are his parents and I am his ex. So unpack your bag and make sure your son doesn't kill himself".

Fuckers. I don't get how his parents can be so blasé

Get rid of your guilt. This is on him

FOJN · 09/09/2023 21:40

If it's your flat then wait till he leaves to go somewhere and change the locks. You probably wouldn't even need to change the locks, steal his keys when he's passed out drunk and then act as if he's lost them and just refuse to let him back in.If he starts trying to break in then call the police.

WorkingOnMyMindset · 09/09/2023 21:40

Inkyblue123 · 09/09/2023 21:31

Call the GP or local
mental health team. Tell them he is suicidal and you can’t keep him safe. Then send him off to hospital and change the locks. Honestly there is F-all you can do for him, he needs to make that decision himself. Stop trying to save him , you can’t. Also talk to Al-anon or another charity and talk to someone who understands and shares your experience

This.

Offcom · 09/09/2023 21:42

I’d be scared too, because even though I agree with everyone saying it’s NOT your responsibility I also know I’d feel terrible if something did happen, even if I loathed the person in question.

Interesting that the family is really pushing the idea this man is not responsible for himself! They sound dreadful and – erm, like they don’t care what happens now they’ve got themselves off the hook emotionally.

I hope it resolves itself without more stress for you

ZadocPDederick · 09/09/2023 22:07

Inkyblue123 · 09/09/2023 21:31

Call the GP or local
mental health team. Tell them he is suicidal and you can’t keep him safe. Then send him off to hospital and change the locks. Honestly there is F-all you can do for him, he needs to make that decision himself. Stop trying to save him , you can’t. Also talk to Al-anon or another charity and talk to someone who understands and shares your experience

This is absolutely the best thing you can do for him. Please do it.

baroqueandblue · 09/09/2023 22:11

Filling out a form for AA? Doesn't happen, the clue is in the name: Alcoholics Anonymous. He has lied to you if that's what he told you, and must've pretended to go to the meeting.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/09/2023 22:16

But if I make him even more depressed and he ends his life then it is my fault.

No it is not. Not at all. If anything, you staying and putting up with it is helping enable him to carry on what he's doing. If you leave, maybe it might force him to face up to things and get help. It also might not. But nobody wins ftom your current situation. The suicide threats are manipulation.

Densol57 · 09/09/2023 22:20

If he dies he is out of your hair
Get rid of this vile man before he ruins the rest of your life
His parents knew EXACTLY what they were doing by being uncontactable

QueeniePlumtree · 09/09/2023 22:24

I have been here OP over 10 years ago, with 2 children.

I left, went back, kicked him out, left went back, until eventually I finally left for good.

I was the same. Trying to save someone I couldn't save. Didn't want suicide on my conscience. His family too thought he was borrowing money to support the family, pay bills blah blah. He was only supporting his habit.

I stayed for too many years. Had him sectioned several times, but it was no use. I was feeding his abuse, his alcoholism and his power trips. He knew how torn I was.

Stopping this and being kind to yourself is what you need to do here. Deep down you know it. Call Women's Aid for advice.
Contact the police when you need to.
Don't waste as many years on this as I did.

The future is out there for you to live a happy, freer life!

Big hugs.

You've got this! 💞💞💞

FoodFann · 09/09/2023 22:30

Next time he goes out on the piss, call an emergency locksmith and change your locks. Then when he eventually comes home, call the police to have him removed. He is a grown man, his actions are his choice, not yours. Your life is precious, don’t be dragged down by him

Twokidsanddone · 09/09/2023 22:31

His drinking is not your fault. If he does something after you leave, It's not your fault. If he's threatning suicide when you want to leave, that is abuse. If he follows through, that is NOT your fault. He is responsible for his own life. Let yourself be responsible for yours and making it better. It seems so hard now but I promise it gets better and it isn't your job to make yourself ill to fix him. Please take care of yourself

LaurieFairyCake · 09/09/2023 22:33

Just kick him out, it's YOUR PLACE

Not your problem, hopefully he'll fall down and piss himself - not your job to care, he sounds horrid

DisquietintheRanks · 09/09/2023 22:34

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:38

They are on bloody holiday! They didn't even tell me when they where coming back and they are unreachable as they don't have their phones 😭 apparently they didn't pay for 'roaming'. I'm dumb so I don't know what this means just that I'm on my own as his mother said

Show quote history

He's not their responsibility. And he's not yours either.

The person trappings you is you.

Cherrysoup · 09/09/2023 22:36

Does he have keys for his parents’ place? If so, pack his shit up and kick him out. He is NOT your responsibility, he is responsible for himself.

SwiftieGrainger · 09/09/2023 22:36

Op please please please leave him and never look back. I was with an alcoholic for four years, I eventually had to walk away when I decided to join the police and realised how bloody nasty he was to me and how much being with him would ruin my future. I felt awful but it does not get better I promise, he went from a lovely man to a drunk that cheated, pushed me, gaslit, got into fights when he was out and I was so much happier single and about to start my new career. That was years ago- I wouldn't be engaged to my amazing partner now if I'd stayed with him and probably wouldn't have quite so much empathy for dogshit relationships and how hard it is to get out of them so I do get it but honestly there's no choice but to go and never look back. I had nothing when I left, taken years but I have everything now. He will stop hiding the drink and will just get worse unfortunately x

SwiftieGrainger · 09/09/2023 22:38

BTW you leaving him and his choices and actions from that are never ever your fault. You cannot control another human being, just as you can't get him to stop being this way you can't cause him to harm himself either. This is another symptom of abuse and control over you.

AdviceNeededForMe · 09/09/2023 22:39

If its your flat dont leave. Get him to leave! Parents will have a spare room.

Mythicalcreatures · 09/09/2023 22:43

You are not trapped, you are choosing this. My ex ( and father of dc) continually threatened suicide and he eventually succeeded, sad thing is my life and dc's life's are better since then. He is an adult, his behaviour is his choice.

Beautiful3 · 09/09/2023 22:48

Omg I can see you staying out of guilt, and raising a child in that mess. You'll ruin both your lives, because you feel bad. You have to end this now. Pack up his stuff and leave at his parents house, when he leaves get the locks changed. If he won't leave, call the police. Get a restraining order if you need to. End this now, otherwise you'll only have yourself to blame.

LadyWiddiothethird · 09/09/2023 22:56

I am in AA,sober over 20years,there are no forms to fill in,the alcoholic has to ask for help themselves,I have manned the helpline for years.

There is nothing you can do to help him,throw him out and call Al-anon and get support for yourself.They won’t be telling you to babysit him!

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 22:57

Do you have a key to his parents house?
If so, get him to pack up his stuff and move in there.

Unless you are telling him to kill himself and giving him the rope, then you can in no way be responsible for his death.

I’m sick of abusive twats using the suicide card to keep their partners tied to them.

What happens if he starts hitting you?
Or stealing from you?
Are you going to let him do whatever he wants because he threatens suicide?

Do not play his stupid games.
If the worst was to happen and he did kill hindsight it would still not be your fault.
He is a grown adult who can make his own choices.

Its a lot more likely that you ending it properly will be the wake up call he needs and he’ll actually sort himself out.
If he’s an alcoholic he’ll kill himself eventually anyway.