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Original poster

Trapped with an alcoholic I hate

158 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:01

Tw:discussion of alcohol abuse and SI!

My partner is an alcoholic. He passed out the other night in a toilet apparently. I didn't hear from him from 11am to the early hours the next day when he stumbled back in. I had taken my engagement ring off to wash and moisturise my face (I'm a jeweller so I know how much soap and lotions are bad for white gold) and he came back, saw my ring on the side and threw it at me. I sat in the garden till morning waiting for him to wake up in his hungover state. Fully decided I don't want to be with him anymore. I can't do this. He woke up, still drunk, shouting at me. I told him it was over and he tried to overdose on beta blockers. I had to take the box from me and call 111. They advised I take him to a&e. So I did. They discharged him a few hours with an AA leftlet. His parents text me saying they are going on holiday and have brought roaming on their phone so they are going to be unreachable (this is after their son tried to overdose) and said that it's 'all in my hands'. I've contacted the AA for him. Managed to get him the go in and fill in some forms. Then a group meeting. This should be progress but h hate him. I genuinely despise him. He's mean and self obsessed and is completely different to the person I originally thought he was. I'm now trapped on suicide and alcohol watch. I know it probably comes across that I have no sympathy but I've been close to death last year with health issues and I've constantly been trying to keep everyone together. Im just tired now. I'm tired of giving him everything all the time and to be ridiculed and made to feel lonely. Ever since being with him I've been on anti anxiety meds and I just feel like I've lost myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 22:58

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to message on here. I want to personally respond to all but my head is a total mess right now. So a huge huge thank you until I can be more present.

He's currently in the bedroom. He hasn't drunk tonight. This is a big step which he seems to keep mentioning to me (I feel awful faking proudness but I just don't want to argue) I think my hope is whenever his parents do get back (someone mentioned that roaming has nothing to do with them using their phone so I'm going to try and message them for support) I'd like to send him there. I'm going to put on my big girl pants in the morning and pack a few of my bits. Let him know there is no way back and that the relationship is over but try and do it lightly to avoid possible relapse. I've also hidden my card and he has no money so he physically can't afford alcohol now (which may seem cruel? I just genuinely have no idea how to handle this situation) I'm scared but this has gone on long enough and mentally I'm not recovering. He can't heal in a place that he's been broken in and neither can I. I just hope I don't fluff it all up tomorrow 🙈 why is life so hard!!

OP posts:
tonystarksrighthand · 09/09/2023 23:03

Im in AA what forms? This is not correct so be careful what you have filled in.

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 23:05

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 22:57

Do you have a key to his parents house?
If so, get him to pack up his stuff and move in there.

Unless you are telling him to kill himself and giving him the rope, then you can in no way be responsible for his death.

I’m sick of abusive twats using the suicide card to keep their partners tied to them.

What happens if he starts hitting you?
Or stealing from you?
Are you going to let him do whatever he wants because he threatens suicide?

Do not play his stupid games.
If the worst was to happen and he did kill hindsight it would still not be your fault.
He is a grown adult who can make his own choices.

Its a lot more likely that you ending it properly will be the wake up call he needs and he’ll actually sort himself out.
If he’s an alcoholic he’ll kill himself eventually anyway.

He says he doesn't have a key to his parents however he says a lot of things so I'll do some searching when/if he sleeps. He tends to need alcohol to sleep so tonight will be interesting.

I just wanted to personally thank you for your bluntness in this message. Genuinely. You remind me of an old friend I had who was amazing, she was a proper friend and wasn't afraid to lay it bare. You're right, deep down I know that. Deep down I know it's not my responsibility and if someone wants to do something they will do it, I'm only dragging myself down with him. Perhaps I'm being lazy and just wishing each day away in the hopes of an easy escape. Which is pathetic. I feel like my brain doesn't work anymore at all! Like I can't function or think of rational escape plans.
Have you ever been so stressed that it's like a light switch has gone off in your head and you can't think?

Anyway, I'm going to try and stick it out till his parents get back and then remove this person from my life. Thank you so much for your input!

OP posts:
Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco · 09/09/2023 23:11

Well done for not giving him any money. Please be strong, you deserve so much better. Alcoholism is, as we all know, a disease, but he needs to get to a stage where he realises that he is the only one who can save himself if he wants to beat it. Please try not to let him see your emotions tomorrow and just be calm. He needs to know that you mean it. Maybe tell a friend so that they can check that you're OK xxx

maddening · 09/09/2023 23:18

They may not have roaming but WhatsApp uses Internet and they will undoubtedly use the WiFi

I would message them on WhatsApp - if it was me it would include-

  • His debt has nothing to.do with you - he has.not contributed to either yours or his own share of bills
  • you are separating from him
  • they have 72 hours to get home and support him.
menopausalbloat · 09/09/2023 23:23

If he kills himself. it won't be because you left. He took pills to manipulate you into staying. If he wanted to die. he'd have done it somewhere where there was no chance of being saved.
You are not responsible for him and it's obvious that you know what you have to do.

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 23:38

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 22:58

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to message on here. I want to personally respond to all but my head is a total mess right now. So a huge huge thank you until I can be more present.

He's currently in the bedroom. He hasn't drunk tonight. This is a big step which he seems to keep mentioning to me (I feel awful faking proudness but I just don't want to argue) I think my hope is whenever his parents do get back (someone mentioned that roaming has nothing to do with them using their phone so I'm going to try and message them for support) I'd like to send him there. I'm going to put on my big girl pants in the morning and pack a few of my bits. Let him know there is no way back and that the relationship is over but try and do it lightly to avoid possible relapse. I've also hidden my card and he has no money so he physically can't afford alcohol now (which may seem cruel? I just genuinely have no idea how to handle this situation) I'm scared but this has gone on long enough and mentally I'm not recovering. He can't heal in a place that he's been broken in and neither can I. I just hope I don't fluff it all up tomorrow 🙈 why is life so hard!!

Well done, you're doing the right thing.

howtogetthisright · 09/09/2023 23:41

OP, you're scared to leave in case he takes his life, but if you stay, you're giving up your life (just in a different way). Flowers

peachypudding · 10/09/2023 00:12

It's your flat, you have no kids together and you're not married - what are you waiting for?! Be grateful for those 3 things.

Your (fantastic) new life will begin when you choose it to.

1FootInTheRave · 10/09/2023 03:16

This manipulative waste of space isn't your problem.

Don't waste your life thinking he is.

Defiantjazz · 10/09/2023 03:32

Er……just leave him?
I mean his own parents are so fed up with his antics they go to another country and switch their phones off but you’re gonna hang around?

wayyour · 10/09/2023 03:35

Get him to leave. Get rid! Call WA for advice. Call Al-Anon if you think that might help you also.

It's his responsibility if he decides to do something. Nothing to do with you. Please don't feel guilty about his problems. He needs to want to help himself. And ignore his bloody family trying to guilt you into looking after him.

oakleaffy · 10/09/2023 04:14

FineganFineagain · 09/09/2023 20:33

I know this is said on here often, but that's because it's so true: WOMEN ARE NOT REHABILITATION CENTRES FOR DYSFUNCTIONAL MEN! Aaah, I feel better for that.

THIS!!!!!!

@Whatintheworldgirl If he does commit suicide, that's on him, not you.

No one can stop a really determined person from committing suicide, and for that to be laid at your door is completely unreasonable.

His parents clearly aren't bothered, if they are 'uncontactable'- maybe they are used to him and his dramas.

Ask him to leave- When he's gone, change the locks.

No one needs this.

He can change his life around by going to AA if he chooses to, but that's on him, not you.

MumHereAgain2023 · 10/09/2023 04:28

My heart breaks for you.
Please leave.
How not so sure but as soon as parents are back, you cannot stay. This can't be your future

MumHereAgain2023 · 10/09/2023 04:30

Sorry 😢

Justneedagirlname · 10/09/2023 04:33

I bet they will use internet via wifi so will have Whatsapp. You don’t need roaming for that

Lizzieregina · 10/09/2023 04:41

Do you have AlAanon over there? It might be helpful for you to have some support from other people who’ve been in your shoes.

Also, every person is responsible for their own choices. He’s using the threat of taking his own life to manipulate you. Don’t let him.

billy1966 · 10/09/2023 05:15

OP, both he and his parents are users.

You have zero responsibility as to whether he lives or dies.

His parents have left on holidays and don't care.

Why on earth is he your responsibility?

Get him out of your home.

Do not leave him there to damage it.

Please involve the police to have him removed and get your keys off him.

You deserve peace in your life, not have your home used as a drunk tank for this loser.

You have zero responsibility for him.

Don't be manipulated by him and used.

You deserve so much better than this loser.

Nanaof1 · 10/09/2023 05:23

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:30

But if I leave (he is in my flat) then what if he over doses again? I feel like he's too unstable. He could smash up my place or hurt himself. I don't know what to do 😭😭

Show quote history

I am sorry you are going through this but you can and need to stop.

It's YOUR flat. Give him a choice of going into a rehab center or just leaving your flat. There is no third choice. He is toxic and he will take you down with him if he can.

He is NOT your responsibility. You cannot save him from himself. He has to want to save himself or anything you do will only be temporary.

Save yourself because that IS your responsibility.

Nanaof1 · 10/09/2023 05:31

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:34

But if I make him even more depressed and he ends his life then it is my fault. Then a person has decided to take their own life because of me giving up 😭 I just wish his family where home so I could get them to pick him up although apparently he's in major debt with them and if I break up with them it would be 'unfair' for me to expect him to handle the debt on his own, says his mum, even know I've never seen a penny from him. He's obviously lied to them saying it's for bills and stuff when he's never paid for any of the bills and now they think I'm obligated to help that too. I'm just so fed up 😭 I feel trapped

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You should not give a flying fuck what his obviously vile and nasty mother says. You are responsible for NONE of his debt and his mother is trying to make you a prisoner to cater to her equally vile and nasty son. You are not obligated to help him pay off anything. It's not your clowns and not your circus. It's their circus and you need to walk away from all of it for YOUR sake; before your health gets worse. You think any of them give a crap about your mental, emotional or physical health?

You are NOT trapped. Give him the choice of help or to get the hell out.

If he hurts himself, it's on HIM and only him. It would never be your fault as you cannot control other people's actions and it's abuse for his family or him to make you feel that way. YOU haven't given up, you have decided that you will no longer bear the brunt of his abuse. You have decided that YOU are worth saving and do it.

Frozensun · 10/09/2023 05:52

IMO, I agree completely that he’s manipulating you and that will NEVER change. You need to tell him to leave. You should also write to his parents and clearly state that none of the loans were used in any way associated with you or joint living costs. Where I disagree with previous posters - he’s an adult, his parents are not responsible for him. In all probability he’s treated them as badly as he’s treated you. (you’re on your own as a comment indicates that his mum has had enough of him) Whatever happens after he leaves your place is for him to work out, not his parents. Whatever he does is HIS responsibility, not yours and not his parents.

Itsanewnameeveryday · 10/09/2023 05:56

If this man had a genuine mental illness related to suicidal ideation, he would have been admitted to a MH facility.

He has used the suicide gesture to manipulate you.

It’s possible that he has Borderline Personality Disorder which can only be treated if you have an extreme personal motivation to change.

Don’t sacrifice you life as even that won’t make him happy. You will need a plan to get rid of him as he’s all about drama and it will be worse before it gets better.

drhf · 10/09/2023 06:08

OP, there is help and support for you as the spouse of an alcoholic.

Try Adfam who can provide free Zoom counselling wherever you are: https://adfam.org.uk/home/adfamhome/

Al-Anon (mentioned up thread) has a particular take which really helps some people but which others find judgemental and rigid: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4455186-Al-Anon-is-weird-discuss

You deserve to be safe and happy. Good luck x

Middleagedmeangirls · 10/09/2023 07:01

you could sacrifice your whole life to this man and it will not fix him. You cannot change him. Only he can do that. You can stay and hope he changes but if he doesn't you will have ruined your own life whilst making no difference to his. That's two lives wasted

Or you can leave and improve your own life. If he then continues drinking only one life will have been wasted.

TotalOverhaul · 10/09/2023 07:08

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:34

But if I make him even more depressed and he ends his life then it is my fault. Then a person has decided to take their own life because of me giving up 😭 I just wish his family where home so I could get them to pick him up although apparently he's in major debt with them and if I break up with them it would be 'unfair' for me to expect him to handle the debt on his own, says his mum, even know I've never seen a penny from him. He's obviously lied to them saying it's for bills and stuff when he's never paid for any of the bills and now they think I'm obligated to help that too. I'm just so fed up 😭 I feel trapped

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I am stunned that you genuinely think any action of his would be your fault, not his. If you think that way then it's only fair to also tell yourself that you walking out is his fault not yours.

Either way, walk out. No one can cure an alcoholic except the alcoholic himself.